Breaking Leila (30 page)

I opened the
door and smacked into a rather solid-bodied Matt.

“Thought you
might be in there,” he muttered. “What are you grinning for?”

* * * *

In the evenings, Matt had begun to walk me home and I was
privileged enough that he’d stopped putting his iPod on.
Unfortunately, that meant conversation and
 
that
 
meant pussyfooting around all
the things I hadn’t told him yet.

“I can’t
believe Poppy’s applied for your job,” he said, incredulous.
“That’s just…sneaky.”

“It’s not
 
my
 
job,” I pointed out. “And she did tell me about
it.”

“But everyone
knows you’ve already got it. It’s obvious.”

“How is it
obvious?” I asked, slightly paranoid.

“Because you’re
the company darling. At least, that’s what Sadie says,” he added,
his upper lip twitching at the term.

“Poppy’s a
clever girl.”

“Poppy gets
used for all of Joseph’s shitty jobs. I don’t think his opinion of
her is very high.”

I hated talking about this with Matt. He never mentioned it,
but the notion hung in the air and spat at me when he wasn’t
looking. It would be awfully
 
convenient
 
for me to be given a job by a
man I’d slept with. Fair enough, the offer had been implicit almost
as soon as I’d started this seat, but who knew how long Joseph had
been a member at the Ladarna? This might have been planned for
months. The thought that I might be given a place at Bach and
Dagier for anything other than my nine-to-five performance made me
feel ill.

“Why do you think she’s changed her mind?”
 
Must steer away from the
subject of Joseph.
 
“Has she said anything to
you?”

“Not that I’ve
noticed.” He squeezed my hand. “You know what I think, anyway.”

“That she
tastes waxy, like too much lipstick?” I laughed.

“No,” he
mumbled, looking away. “That you should apply somewhere else”

“I did, ages
ago. Everyone needs a back-up.”

“I’ll bet it’s
miles from my new place.”

“Let’s cross
that bridge when we come to it, yeah?” I squeezed his hand
back.

I swiped my
card at the building entrance and waved at the doorman as we strode
in. Matt hopped up the stairs way faster than my boots allowed and
I had to keep tugging him backward.

“You put me to
shame. Stop it!”

“All this
running…you’ll be able to keep up soon,” he teased.

We reached my
door and he pinned me against it, nudging my chin up with his nose.
I let him claim my mouth and mewed at his taste, fizzy and sweet,
and his shadow of stubble grazed my skin.

“I can’t wait
for next week,” he murmured.

“Me either.”
 
Liar.

“I don’t care
how knackered we are when we arrive on Sunday–I’m going to make
love to you if it kills me.”

Make love
. There they were: the only
dirty words that didn’t feel right in my mouth. What
I
 
wanted
 
was to flush them out with soap and water. Or scream, scream
without making a noise.

Instead, I
kissed him, trailing my tongue down to the hollow at his throat. He
growled in my ear.

“Are you sure
you’re busy tonight?”

“Yes, I’m
sure.” I laughed.

“I suppose I
should get some paperwork done anyway,” he grumbled, “and I think
Tobe is feeling neglected.”

“Ahh. Have I
made you miss face mask and chick flick night?”

“Worse. Steak
and poker night.”

“Sounds like my
old job.” I giggled.

He prodded me
gently in the ribs, looking wounded.

“Sorry, sorry,”
I said quickly.

“It’s okay. But
talking like that to a man who can’t have you is very, very
mean.”

I dug out my
phone and checked the time. Ugh, not long to get ready at all. “I
have to jump into the shower or Clem will send out a search party.
I’ll text you later, okay?”

“Mmph… If you
insist.” He pecked me on the lips one last time and withdrew,
digging his iPod out of his pocket. “Have a good night, babe.”

“You too.”

I watched him
spring back down the stairs, and then hurried in to get ready.

The sun had
begun to set as I tottered out on my prettiest heels–Russell and
Bromley, forever in my heart–and the air had cool teeth. I’d toyed
with the idea of wearing the silky blue dress that Charlie had
first seduced me in–I still owned it–but it would give rather the
wrong impression. Instead, I threw on trousers and a tight little
jumper with puffed Victorian sleeves.

Charlie was
installed in a booth at the hotel bar, an open bottle of wine
breathing beside him. He wore his old brown leather blazer and my
nostrils were suddenly full of its earthy smell. He smiled when he
looked up, closing his book.

“What are you
reading?” I’d barely sat down, but already fought the urge to play
with my hair.

He held it up. “
American
Psycho
. It’s rather grating, actually.”
Wine spewed into a long-stemmed glass as he poured. “Have you read
it?”

“A long time
ago. I liked it.” I wrinkled my nose. “Well, apart from the
bloodthirsty rampages. Patrick and his...urges...not exactly my
fetish of choice.”

“I know,” he
said, eyes shining. “Too weak for a thing like you.”

The wine was
thick on my tongue and I nodded my approval. Every time he opened
his mouth, my nerves split. It had been a long time since we’d
indulged in one of our clandestine little meetings and a riot of
memories shrieked in my ear.

“So,” he said,
leaning back and folding his arms.

“You’re an
arse,” I said.

“You did say
you weren’t with him,” he shrugged. “Besides, Leila. Give me a
little credit for knowing you. He’s not really your type. I
wouldn’t have guessed in a million years that–”

“What do you
mean, not my type?”

“I just
wouldn’t have put the pair of you together, that’s all.” His
expression mellowed. “I don’t mean to be patronizing. You know I
want you to be happy. Both of you.”

“Charlie.” I
leaned in a little. “Does she know about me? Your wife, I mean.
Does she know who I am?”

“In all
honesty? I can’t say for sure. When she and I first met, she would
read my emails sometimes. She read more than one from you.”

I cringed. “One
with photos…?”

“Yes. Several,
probably.”

“I can’t
believe you showed those to anyone! They were personal. I trusted
you with them–”

He held up a
hand. “I didn’t ask her to read them, okay? She went behind my
back.” He paused. “She was very paranoid in the beginning.”

“She was the
one cheating, not you,” I muttered.

“Either way…I’m
sorry. She might recognize you, she might not, but she wouldn’t be
very fond of you if she did.”

“Could you
maybe talk to her, ask her not to tell Matt?”

Laughter
spilled from his mouth in sarcastic little lumps. “You haven’t met
Libby, have you? She’s very close to Matt and Toby. I wouldn’t have
a hope in hell.” He exhaled. “I’m sorry, Leila. Really, I am.”

“Well, isn’t
that fucking brilliant.”

Charlie eyed me
anxiously. “Are you going to tell him about us?”

“I don’t know,”
I said, my voice cracking. “Probably. Better for him to hear it
from me than his mother, I suppose.” If he still wanted me after he
heard about Joseph’s plans.

“He hates me as
it is.” There was more than a flicker of mourning in Charlie’s
tone. “I suppose it won’t make much difference.”

“Did you really
steal his mum away?”

“I wasn’t her
first affair, if that’s what you’re asking. She and Nate had been
in trouble for a long time. They had the twins and that didn’t make
things any better…and then I came along.”

“I never did
think you’d get married.” I smiled at him ruefully. “I mean, you
seemed happy as you were.”

“With you in my
bed, I was very happy,” he said softly, “but that was never going
to last, was it?”

I cocked my
head. “I don’t know.”

“I asked you to
marry me more than once.”

I rolled my
eyes. “You were joking, Charlie.”

“Only a little
bit.”

“Oh.” Blood
rushed to my cheeks. “You should’ve made that more clear,
then.”

A sigh ruffled
the pages of his book. “Would you have said yes?”

“Well…probably
not, no. But it would have been nice.”

“To reject me?
Cheers.” He laughed.

I kicked him
under the table. “You know what I mean.”

“So...you’re
serious about Matt?”

“I don’t know,”
I confessed. “Why do you say he isn’t my type?”

He pawed the back of his neck; these words were chosen
carefully. “I don’t mean this in a bad way. I
 
know
 
you, Leila. There are men with
certain appetites and then there are men who…who are better suited
to you. He’s the former.”

“I don’t get
what you mean.”

“You probably
won’t. Not for a while.”

“You sound like such a bossy–” I glanced up at him and was
catapulted back to all the moments I came, writhing in his arms and
crying out for
 
Sir.
 
Oh God. Eyes glazed, fists balled–he thought it, too. “Not
everything in a relationship is about sex,” I said
quietly.

“That’s not
entirely true. Especially not for people like me and you.” He
reached out and touched my arm. He may as well have set it alight
and it snatched itself away, landing in my lap roughly.

“Then how do
you do it?”

“Do what?”

“Be married. Be
with one person. Be around other people you like and not find
yourself naked with them.” I couldn’t look at him. “I can’t imagine
what that would be like…I’m never going to have it, am I?”

“Not with a boy
like Matt, no.”

The tears came
rushing in like they were at war with my eyeballs and I hid behind
my hands, rocking.

Charlie eased
over in his chair and put his arm around me. “God, I’m sorry. I
didn’t mean to upset you–”

“It’s okay.” I
sniffed. “I think this has been coming on for a while.”

“I’m not trying
to be an arse. I know it’d make my own life easier if you weren’t
with Matt–obviously–but I wouldn’t say this stuff if I didn’t
believe it.”

I wiped my eyes
with the back of my hand. “I know. I look ridiculous, don’t I?”

A smile crossed
his lips. The knives wilted like the flowers they pretended to be.
“Don’t be silly. You look gorgeous.”

“Thank you,” I
whispered.

“And what’s all
this about never getting married? You’re twenty-five, for crying
out loud. You’ve got decades to settle down.”

If he knew
about the Charlotte he had crafted with those skilled hands…would
he still say the same thing?

“If I
 
can
 
settle down.”

He stroked my
hair gently and I leaned in to him. “You’ll find someone like you.
Someone who understands everything that you’re worried about.”

“How do you
know?”

“Because
 
I
 
could have understood. I did. And God knows, there are better
men than me.” There was a note of bitterness beneath the sympathy
and I suddenly felt very sad for him.

“Worse ones,
too.”

“Well, yes.” He
released me slowly. “Now, I’m going to move back around the table
before I irrevocably fuck my marriage.”

I shot him a
tear-stained grin. “Like I’d screw an antique like you.”

“You’re not too
old to be spanked, you know.”

The atmosphere
swelling around us went sharp and hot. I know he felt it. We had
never been exactly friends or exactly together, and would always
fall into the abyss between where a touch is loaded with everything
and nothing, and kisses lie beyond lips, beckoning curious tongues.
A dangerous place to be. I liked it far more than I should. Ugh…I
hated it when Clemmie was right.

Charlie
gestured to his watch reluctantly. “I need to dash in a bit.”

“We’ve done a
poor state of justice to that wine.”

He looked me in
the eye sharply. “Probably wise.”

“True.”

As we walked
into the street, a dusty skyline curved below the emerging moon. I
turned to brush a kiss on his collarbone.

“Take care,
little one,” he said softly.

“Yes, Sir.”

I shot a smile
over my shoulder as I stalked off, shuddering as the words rushed
over me.

Whenever I
looked back, he still watched me.

* * * *

Before long, my
sadness over Charlie’s words turned to anger. I scraped my heels
against the stairs as I climbed them, rammed the key into the lock.
The thick slam of the door still rang in my ears as I gave in to
the trembles and the tears all over, and I curled up in a ball
against the sofa, indulging each miserable epiphany with an
amplified sob.

Who was
 
he
 
to
say that Matt and I weren’t compatible? We had a great time
together. We laughed and talked. He was coming around to my past as
an immoral whore and he did wonderful things to me naked. Or
clothed. Wonderful things full stop.

Yes, we argued.
Inevitable, considering the circumstances–right? I had a lot more
experience than him, but he was an enthusiastic pupil. Again,
wasn’t that likely to be the way of things for someone like me?