Breaking the Wrong (16 page)

I grip his forearms tightly as my body sinks closer and my thighs hug his hips. Against the juncture of my thighs, I can feel how hard he is. I shift once and my thighs start to shake. He only pauses for a second, looking at me with such intensity, I’m waiting for my skin to melt. When his lips meet mine, there’s more urgency to our kiss. My nails dig into his flesh as he licks the seam of my lips and nips at my bottom lip.

I want to pretend, just for a few hours, that I’m someone filled with forgiveness. No scars on my past. No cuts on my emotions. I want to be a whole person, not someone sewn back together. And I feel put together with Macsen’s arms banded tightly around me.

I open my mouth and his tongue slips in. I gasp loudly in shock at how good this feels. Goosebumps break out across my skin
, and I move my tongue against his cautiously. My revenge runs in the opposite direction the longer his mouth is on mine.

Slowly, I start to relax my body. I practically sigh when Macsen’s hands move from my hips and toward my face. He bites lightly on my bottom lip and soothes the burn with his tongue.
Macsen angles my head and explores my mouth. I thrust my tongue against his and fist my hands into his hair. The grip on my face tightens before his hands drift away, traveling down my body.

His fingers drift over my breast and through my bra, my nipples tighten. I want him to keep touching me there, but his hands move across my stomach and slip underneath my shirt. 

How can I be doing this? None of this is part of the plan. My mind torments me and tries to pull me back to reality, but Macsen is my weakness. I can’t stop. My fingers drag up his arm, clinching his biceps. His hands explore my stomach and I breathe heavily, pulling away from his mouth and leaning my head on his shoulder. Those large hands inch closer to the lace of my bra and the two of us are breathing hard. His fingers veer around my chest and I feel him slip a finger underneath the strap of my bra. And even with the barrier of my shirt, he drags it down my shoulder and down my arm.

There’s a torturous second where he does nothing and I think I stop breathing.

Against his neck, against my will, I murmur, “More.”

My brain has shut down and now my lust is talking. It’s a greedy feeling because all I can think about is having his hands all over me.

His body becomes rigid. Macsen lifts my head up to look him in the face with a hot expression in his eyes. “Where do you want me to touch you?”

My heart starts to drum erratically and my breath starts to come out in pants. Boldly, I push down the cup of my bra. I search for his hand and through my shirt, I grip his fingers and place his hand on my breast. A guttural sound escapes his mouth and he slams his mouth on mine, moving so fast I can barely breathe. His touch is frantic as he sucks on my tongue and brushes his fingers against my nipple over and over.

“Oh, God,” slips from my mouth. I don’t know what I really want, but I want more of this. I want more of what he’s giving me.

My hands slip down to the hem of his shirt. I wrap it around my fingers and tug. Macsen gets the message and with one hand he drags it over his head. It hangs down off one shoulder and I rake my hands down his naked back, feeling his muscles flinch underneath my hands.

My weight shifts and suddenly I’m on my back. Macsen leans over me and I look over his chest, the skin pulled tight over his abs. With his arms braced next to my arms, he nuzzles my neck. His tongue drifts over my collarbone.

He drifts lower and presses himself into me. I breathe deeply as he kisses the swell of my breast and starts to pull down my shirt.

I move against him eagerly and wait for his touch.

The door creaks open. Instantly, Macsen covers me. My heart drums painfully against my chest as I realize what I just did. I hear a girl giggle and the sound of the music. I had completely forgotten a party was happening a few steps away. My eyes slam shut.

“Oh!” the girl giggles out. “I thought this was the bathroom,” she slurs.

“Does this look like a bathroom?” Macsen shouts.

I flinch in his arms. The drunk girl just laughs and shuts the door behind her. There’s something intoxicating about Macsen. It makes me want his body pressed against mine even when I should be pushing him away and running out of the room. I still want his calloused hands on my skin even when I shouldn’t.

He leans down, presses his lips against my clavicle and breathes me in. My eyes close as I hold onto him.

“Emilia.” My name is muffled against my skin.

“Hmm?”

Macsen sighs and lifts his head up. Alarm rises in me. “We have to stop.”

“Why?”

He stands up and offers his arm to me. I take it with a frown and take a step back. I’m waiting for the ‘this was a mistake’ talk to kick in at any moment. I can’t regret it. I probably should, but there’s not an ounce of remorse or guilt in me right now.

He steps forward, looking desperate. His hands latch onto my hair as he whispers, “There’s a party going on outside this room, right now. I don’t want anyone else to walk in!”

I stand there silently, feeling so much. The cardinal rule from Tosha was never to feel for your target and I’m breaking that rule. I realize now that you can never be touched or kissed without feeling
something
. The body is a double-edged sword because it reacts from simple touches and creates tangible emotions that you can never erase.

“If there wasn’t a party going on, you’d be in my bed right now,” he whispers deeply.

My eyes widen and I start to breathe heavily.

“Do you want that?” Macsen asks.

“Yes.”

He gives me a brief kiss and pulls himself away, grabbing his shirt off the floor and covering up all the muscles I’m still desperate to touch.

“I need to go,” I say regretfully.

Macsen nods and rubs his eyes. I know he wants me to stay.

~

“So why did I come get you?”

Tosha picks me up from Macsen’s apartment. Surprisingly, she isn’t dressed up in a costume, but she did use this holiday as an excuse to dress in the tightest red dress money can buy. I tell her about my kiss with Macsen. I can’t keep it to myself and she can’t stop herself from pulling up to the Steak ‘n Shake drive-through and ordering two large shakes.

“This conversation deserves ice cream.”

I agree.

We sit in her car, in the Steak ‘n Shake parking lot.

Thoughtfully, I hold my shake in between my hands and stare down at the melting ice cream. “I think what I’m doing ... I think it’s going too far,” I confess. “I’m starting to feel a little out of control with this whole ‘Macsen plot.’”

“You don’t have to go through with your plan.” I stop eating and stare at her with wide eyes. “You can forget about it, and just go with what you see in front of you. Don’t shut down anymore. Don’t use anything against him...” her words die off as she sees my expression. “Did you feel anything when you kissed him?”

There were so many emotions during our kiss I would have to be a robot not to have felt something. But I was walking a fine line. I had to sacrifice my Burn List, or sacrifice everything I felt with Macsen. I didn’t want to give either one up.

Looking over at Tosha’s sympathetic face, I mutely nod.

And that’s all she needs. She sighs and looks down at her ice cream. “Then ignore the revenge you’ve been plotting. You see Macsen, you take Macsen, and you make yourself happy.”

“I’ve moved across the country for this, Tosha!”

“What do you want me to tell you?” She shrugs helplessly.

“That I should move forward with my plan for revenge.” Tosha’s already shaking her head no. I keep talking, “And that I should figure out what it is that I feel about him!”

“I think you know how you feel about him.”

It’s my turn to shake my head back and forth.

“If you didn’t, you’d be laughing over this kiss. It would be giving you victory, not confusion—if you were not feeling
something.
”

No more excuses come out of my mouth. Kissing him was like a drug, an addiction. And like a loyal addict, I’m already trying to figure out when I can get my next fix. That makes make me the worst sibling ever.

“Are you listening?” Tosha asks.

My head pivots in her direction. “I am.”

“You can’t have both, Emilia.”

I nod my head in agreement and she starts her car back up. The whole ride back to campus I’m thinking of the past, of my sister, and of Macsen.

She pulls up outside of my dorm and looks over at me. “Are you sure he’s guilty?”

My fingers tap against the passenger side door and I think of how to phrase my words. “It takes someone cruel to do what
was done to my sister. And Macsen isn’t cruel … he doesn’t seem to have that in him.”

“I just want you to be sure
… this is a big deal, Emilia.”

“You
think I don’t know that?” I whisper.

The implication
of my words torments me because I’m challenging my sister’s words. It’s like I’m pointing a finger straight at her and telling her that Macsen isn’t the one.

I give Tosha a weak good-bye and walk up t
he sidewalk in a daze. My bag is in Macsen’s truck. It has my ID card in it. I groan as I walk up to my dorm. Luckily, a few girls are walking in front of me. I blend in with them and smoothly get inside. The lights are off in my room when I walk in. I’m happy that Severine isn’t back and hope that she stays somewhere else for the night. 

I slide out of my boots and take off my clothes, tossing them in the far corner while I change into a tank top and shorts. My body is still tingling as I drop to my bed. I want to call my sister. I’ve never kept anything from her. I want to keep this feeling for myself, with no one to take me down from my high.

Instead, I walk over to my desk and pull out my sister’s journal. It’s still looks the same, but it feels different. There is sadness cloaked around it, yet I no longer have to read it. It’s not screaming at me to open up the pages and see the words written in clear block letters. My hands shake as I walk to my bed and kneel down to reach for a box underneath. I drag it out into the open. It’s filled with items that hold memories. But my sister’s journal is more than a memory. I read this frequently.

I don’t want to anymore. I realize I’m giving myself daily doses of pain by picturing E’s pain. Carefully, I lay the journal inside the box. My breath comes out shaky as I slide it back underneath my bed. 

You can’t heal a heart that’s been fragmented. But my wounds are closing. Stitch by stitch, I’m starting to feel again. I can’t undo the past and stop everything that has happened. However, I can try to take a tiny step forward. Moving E’s journal underneath my bed is a step for me.

My heart should be feeling guilt for betraying my family, but it doesn’t. It might come back and haunt me later. For now, I close my eyes and for once I have a night that isn’t filled with memories from the past.

It’s the best sleep I’ve had in months.

EMILIA

My legs bounce up and down nervously. I’m sitting next to Haley in the Student Center, searching for Macsen and hoping that he has my bag with him.

I was a prisoner in my own dorm this weekend. I didn’t have Macsen’s number. I could have found a way to get in touch with him, but I held back and did nothing. I was using my bag as an excuse to see him again. I’ll see him for our weekly tutoring sessions, but I want something outside of those moments.

I wouldn’t have been much fun this weekend anyway. Now that I’ve set my Burn List aside, I feel like a rug has been pulled out from under me. I’ve had this agenda planned for months. But I’m happy, happy that I feel free.

Students sit around me. Most are talking and a few are on their laptops or quietly eating. I scan those faces, trying to catch a face with dark stubble and sharp green eyes.

“You okay?” Haley’s eyebrows slant low. “You’re shaking the table with your legs.”

Instantly, I quit moving my legs and start to rub my palms back and forth on my skinny jeans. “I’m good.”

I continue to scan the faces around us as Haley eats her hamburger. Most of my lunches are spent with her. Sometimes she says nothing, and sometimes she talks the entire time. Today, she’s quiet and focused on her food. I know Tosha thinks Hayley is two love notes away from being Macsen’s stalker, but I look past that. And when I do, all I see is someone who needs a friend.

Heels click on the floor. I turn to see Tosha walking over with a tray of food. She eats with me and barely says two words to Haley.

She sits across from me and hands me a plate of cheese fries. “Here you go.”

I rub my hands together quickly. “Mmm. Thank you!”

“Anytime. So, did you get your bag back from Macsen?”

My eyes narrow and I nudge my head at Haley, who is now fixated on Tosha. Tosha ignores my subtle way of saying
shut up
and waits for me to answer. I kick her shin underneath the table. “Not yet,” I grit out.