Breaking Through (Atlanta #3) (24 page)

"Hey, Erin," Jenna said with a forced smile when she and Cassie got to the little sandwich shop.

"Hey, ladies," Erin smiled as she walked up to her two friends. "How are you doing, Jen? You ok?"

"I'm starting to feel a little ok," she returned honestly. "Still trying to figure out how everything went so wrong. I can't believe I pushed him so hard he left me."

"Sounds like he's the one who gave up, Jen," Cassie pointed out.

"Yeah, I think this one's on Harley. You took good care of him from what I could tell," Erin added. "Has he called?"

Jenna shook her head. "I really think it's over. I should have waited longer to try and get him to open up. Or maybe I waited too long? I wanted him to feel better, and get him to a point where he can be with his daughter all the time. And with me, totally."

"Have you decided if you're going to call him yet?" Erin asked quietly.
 

"I don't think I can," Jenna said. "I don't think I
should
."

"Well," Cassie let out, "if Harley was really as tied up inside as you say, then it would take a hell of a woman to stay with him and love him."

"I agree," Erin chimed in. "Look at everything Marcus went through. I know from personal experience how dark things can get for a person, too. Love is what it takes to get someone out of that. If Harley ever had a chance, it was with you. You have that kind of love to give."

The waitress came by to bring them water and take their orders. As soon as she was away, Cassie changed the topic for Jenna.
 

"So, get this. You remember Luke? The guy Marcus is training? He came into the gym on Saturday and was actually stupid enough to pick a fight with Marc. My meathead brother took him down. He told me about it yesterday when he called me. Luke actually was
glad
he got beat up."

"What?" Jenna asked, trying very hard not to sound too interested. But this was new information. This was her first connection to Luke in days.

"Yeah," Erin confirmed. "Marcus told me about that. He said he'd never seen Luke so upset. He more or less forced Marc to beat him up. Luke wouldn't let it go until he was bloody. He was bruised up pretty bad before Marcus forced him to quit."

Jenna almost cried. Only her need to keep things secret for Luke prevented her from breaking down. Silence was the only thing she had left to offer him. "Did Marcus say why?"

"No," Erin shook her head. "Marc doesn't tell me anything about him, really. I just know he's been pushing pretty hard recently. He's worried about him."

Cassie couldn't help but offer her opinion on the subject. "Well, whatever it is, Luke needs to get his act together. I don't know why it's so crucial, but Marcus says it's really important. I hope he can get through this. I know how much better off Marcus was when he finally sorted himself out. Luke sure could use some relief from all his baggage."

"So what about you, Cass," Erin asked. "Things with your adoring hubby good? How was the honeymoon?"

"It was amazing," Cassie smiled. "Every single bit of the week dripped of pure Cassie and Scott. I was in heaven the entire time. Swimming bare-ass naked in the lake together, staying snuggled up in the cozy, fancy barn, and thrifting. It was absolute bliss the entire week. And check these out…I found these shoes up there at a Goodwill."

She held up her foot to show off the…

And then the conversation turned away from Jenna and Luke. Jenna barely heard whatever Cassie and Erin talked about. All she could think about was Luke getting himself beat up on purpose. In trying to help, she'd only pushed him further down. And now, all she wanted to do was go to him and comfort him. She wanted to hold him and run her fingers across his short hair. He loved that. She wanted to let him pin her down and take her body passionately. Their physical connection calmed him, too. No matter how they found a way into each other, Luke felt love from her, and he needed so much.
 

Now he was without, and seemed to seek out the opposite. He wanted punishment rather than connection, and Jenna couldn't offer him the darkness he sought. He was broken now, and she was the one who pushed him over the edge. Nothing but shame sat in her gut. She looked down and noticed she'd barely touched her lunch.

"So what do you think, Jenna? Should I?" Cassie asked with an ornery grin about their unknown topic, breaking her out of her circular thinking.

"I'm sorry, I didn't really hear you," Jenna apologized. "I can't seem to get out of my head."

"That's ok, Jen," Cassie said in complete understanding. "We've all been there. You want to talk more about it?"

Jenna shook her head. "Can we get back to work? I need something else to focus on."

Cassie nodded and squeezed her shoulder sympathetically. The three paid for lunch and went to their respective jobs. The whole way to the clinic in Cassie's little sedan, Jenna was doing nothing but holding back her tears. Luke was broken, and she was miserable. All she wanted was to see him and take care of him. The unsatisfied need to hold him caused her arms to physically ache. Had she really lost him? She didn't want to believe that was possible, but she didn't see a lot of hope on the horizon.
 

Luke sat on his motorcycle, hidden in the alley behind the clinic, hoping to catch a glimpse of Jenna. He spent his lunch break from the butcher shop watching the employee entrance. He was about to give up and head to George's when he saw Cassie and Jenna pull into the parking lot. And there was his angel, looking sad.
 

He wasn't sure what he expected, but the sadness etched on her face broke his heart. If he was being honest with himself, he figured he'd see her relieved, happy, and smiling. She was supposed to be free from all the darkness, not still trapped in his mess. Look what he had done to her.

All his resolve to keep away from her nearly left him. He wanted to erase that look from her face, and bring her to a place where she could get lost in him. Every time he took her body, no matter how strongly, she always let go of the world around her. He was everything to her in those moments, and she had nothing but happiness with him. She told him so. And every time he held her gently afterward, she relaxed into such a beautiful, warm state of peace. She told him that over and over, too. She loved him, and now she was broken hearted without him, or so it seemed.
 

Marcus was right. Luke was a fucking idiot. But still, Jenna deserved better. She was an angel who would surely find someone who could make her happy without all the ugliness inside. Her current sadness was temporary, but would last forever if he stayed with her. Eventually he'd hurt her again. No, she was better off.
 

When she was safely inside the clinic and out of earshot of his bike's loud engine, Luke kicked the motorcycle to life and sped away, angry with himself all over again for everything past and present.
 

He returned to his shift and walked right past George and back to the trimming tables. He heard George sigh. Maybe Luke should rid his boss of himself, too. Luke was nothing but poison to those around him. He was good at the job. He liked working with his hands and was picking up on the business side faster than he would have thought.
 

He even liked the tiny living space upstairs. With George's blessing, he replaced the giant brown couch with a single bed. He preferred a mattress to sleep on, especially after not having one for more than two years in Afghanistan. Plus, his bed worked pretty well as a couch anyway. He didn't need to impress anyone with his apartment; it's not like anyone ever visited anyway. He never even brought Jenna there.

George came back and grabbed an oilcloth apron and a pair of long latex gloves. He grabbed a filet knife and set to work beside Luke. "Talk."

"Nothing to say, old man. Just working."

"Come on, son. I know you better than that. What's going on."

"Nothing more than the usual. I'm a fuck-up."

George shook his head and adeptly used his large, rough hands to filet shoulder muscle from a cow bone. "Well you need to stop being a fuck-up. I need you to keep this place going. I've worked my whole life to build it up, and I've already decided I want you as a manager when I retire. I know you can handle the work, and I know you won't take any shit from the employees. Fuck-up's not an option."

Luke stopped cutting and dropped his shoulders. He shook his head in frustration. "Have you been talking to Marcus or something?"

"Damn right I have been. You think I'm going to trust my business with just anyone? Now he assures me you are still a good man. I already know you're a hard worker and I can tell you're pretty smart — smart enough to know what you have to do to pull your life together. Question is, are you determined enough to do it?"

With that, George snapped the gloves off his hands and walked away. Luke always appreciated his brevity. Neither liked giving or receiving long speeches, and George's few words hit him hard.

Of course he knew what he had to do. He needed to let go of all his self-hatred. He needed to find a way to deserve Jenna. He needed to rescue Sophie from her train-wreck mom. He was certainly determined enough to do it. The big question for Luke was
how
. How could he do all those things when he couldn't get the nightmares and ugliness out of his head? He still believed himself to be a danger to everyone around him.
 

Look what he had almost done to Jenna, and only because she wanted to help him. That awful morning last week, he slammed his hand into the door beside her face too damn hard. What happens next time if he can't control himself any better?
 

He shook his head again and got back to the work in front of him.
Sorry George,
he thought.
Fuck-up's all you get right now
.
 

He worked his way through the rest of the side of beef until his hours were up. He hung his apron, disposed of his gloves, and washed his knife. After he sprayed down and sanitized the stainless steel work table, he nodded goodbye to George and went up the stairs to his apartment. He checked his yellowing bruises in the mirror and thought about picking another fight at the gym. He didn't feel like his wounds should heal. His heart hadn't.
 

Tuesday and Wednesday were more of the same. He worked his early-morning shift from four to nine, then went to the gym for his work out and training, and finished his shift from one to four. Both days he spent his noon hour on his bike outside the clinic, hoping to see Jenna's face in a smile. He knew seeing her happy would be a relief, but would also break his heart. He knew deep down he wanted her to miss him.
Selfish bastard
. At least he was keeping his distance from her. She deserved at least that.

He forced himself not to stalk her on Thursday, but Friday he had to see her again. Those glances of her beautiful face kept him going, but he still hadn't seen her smile which both relieved and frustrated him. The next week was exactly the same. Every day he saw her, and every day she looked empty. Every day he shredded himself at the gym.
Damn it!
Maybe he should call her instead of watch her like some fucking creeper.
 

The next Monday from his hiding spot in the alley, he saw her get into her car with a wave toward the clinic door. She called over to Cassie that she would be gone a half hour and then be back with lunch for both of them. Excellent. He could see her twice. After Jenna pulled out to run her errands, Luke went to get lunch and then would watch for her to come back. And he'd have to be more careful. Twice she'd almost seen him in the alley.
 

So this time, Luke parked his bike in front of the clinic about a block down so he could watch her coming down the street in her blueberry. He had to quit doing this, he knew, but that would have to wait for another day. The day he saw her smile, he would know she was ok. He would be able to stop checking on her. Right now, he could see her hurting. Seeing her in any kind of pain made him hate himself even more. God, he really was a fuck-up.

Almost exactly a half-hour later, Luke saw Jenna's car a few blocks up. He watched intently, his heart skipping beats every so often from knowing she was near. She got stopped at a traffic light and he almost grinned because he got a few extra moments to see her, even at a distance, even through her windshield. When the light turned green, he watched her car roll slowly forward until she was into the slow traffic of the city.
 

All of the sudden, Luke saw something out of the corner of his eye. His adrenaline spiked before his conscious mind even knew what was happening. In movie-cliché-slow-motion, a large SUV barreled through the red light just as Jenna was driving through the next intersection. In a sickening thud of metal against metal, Luke saw her body whip sideways from the point of impact and her windshield spider-web with cracks. That damn SUV t-boned her driver's side door. The grill crushed her car and probably her body inside. Luke didn't even hear himself scream. Without any idea of what he was doing, Luke dropped his bike to the ground and sprinted to her car. He cleared the two blocks in no time.
 

CHAPTER ELEVEN

"Jenna!" he yelled as he ran to the car. "Jenna!"

In the background of his brain he registered someone dialing 911. He saw the bastard driver of the SUV splayed out unconscious on his airbag. Luke hoped the fucker was dead. He heard glass crunching under his feet, but all he could do was try to get to Jenna. Ambulance sirens filtered distantly through his ears like he was underwater. None of his senses worked properly. The only thing in his mind was getting to Jenna. He had to help her. She had to be ok. He climbed up the hood of her car and grabbed the glass edge of the broken windshield and bloodied his palms trying to peel it back to get to her.
 

Shouts of "back up sir" and "let us handle this" came from firemen and paramedics, but Luke didn't really hear them. His only focus was her. Through the hole in the windshield, he could see his angel lying in the car bleeding. She seemed to be sleeping peacefully.
Oh good,
he thought for a split second.
She's resting comfortably in such an ugly place.
But then shock left his brain and an ugly jolt of reality reminded him she was
not
comfortable. She was possibly dead.
Someone please save my angel
.