Breathe: A Novel (21 page)

I laughed and Billy started barking.

“What’s going on in here, you two?” Jenny had come back with more dishes.

“Oh nothing, I’m just prepping Alex for the workshop,” Andy said as he squeezed past us with an apple pie and carton of ice cream.

“See what that man will do to make you smile?” she whispered with delight.

I looked up from the sink of warm, sudsy water and gave her a guilty grin.

“I know you’re right, Jenny. It’s just—”

I was interrupted by the unpleasant, atonal drone of my buzzer, which cut through the roar of conversation.

“I didn’t know we were expecting anyone else,” I heard Nancy comment. “Alex, shall I get the door?” she called.

I came in from the kitchen wiping my hands on my apron, but before I could open my mouth to answer, the door flew open, and a mane of blonde hair, followed by no fewer than six pieces of rainbow-colored Louis Vuitton luggage, filled the front hall.

Haley?
“Alex!” she cried, throwing a purse, cell phone, and pink leopard dog carrier onto my couch like she’d been here a million times. She ran over and hugged me. “
Here
you are! Do you know what it took for me to track you down? I’m in the middle of a MAJOR CRISIS, and I
need
you. I’ve been texting you
all day.
” She seemed oblivious to the room full of strangers staring at her. An unusually small teacup Yorkie was shivering at her heels. Billy ran over to investigate and began barking wildly.

“You have a dog, Haley?” I called over the racket.

“Of course. You know Bitzi. Karl bought her for me right after I moved in,” she replied. “Anyway, isn’t she adorable?” She reached down to stroke the poor straggly little thing.

“Is that a fur vest Bitzi is wearing?” Galen asked in disbelief from across the room.

“Well, I heard that San Francisco doesn’t have quite the sunny beach weather I had hoped,” Haley replied defensively, scooping Bitzi up. She thrust out her hand and began introducing herself. “I don’t believe we’ve met. Haley, Haley Hamilton, Alex’s best friend,” she said, scanning the room and batting her eyelashes at all the men, even the two who were holding hands.

Andy looked amused. “Alex’s best friend Haley. Welcome to San Francisco. Want some ice cream with your pie?” he asked, holding up an ice-cream scooper.

I hadn’t mentioned Haley to Andy, I was sure of it.

“No thanks, I’m really watching my figure. Given my current situation, it’s essential,” she replied demurely while looking Andy up and down and taking a step closer. “Things went south between my husband and me, not unlike this one here,” she said, pointing at me from across the room. “So Alex, a little tight in here, no? Where’s
my
bed?” She laughed.

The rest of my company still hadn’t moved.

“Hey, Nancy, would you mind giving me a hand with the pie?” Andy urged, still smiling.

She hadn’t said a word. I had never seen Nancy so quiet.

Meanwhile, Haley walked around the room, like a decorator assessing a new job.

“So, Al, I’m actually
thrilled
. You know me, I always look at the silver lining, and the diamond in this mess is that we get to live together again!”

I’m pretty sure I turned sheet white.

“Wait, Haley, what?”

Quiet conversation had started again at the table, but I watched everyone steal glances at Haley and me. She was sitting on my bed now, checking out the label on my comforter.

“Alex, I needed a change, and I knew being around you would make me feel so much better. I texted you, but you never responded.”

“Haley, it’s Thanksgiving. I haven’t looked at my phone all day.” I gestured helplessly to her luggage. “I have to admit, I’m pretty shocked that you moved everything out here without even—”

“That’s not everything. The large bags are being delivered after the holiday weekend.”

I thought she was traveling awfully light for Haley. Of the six designer bags she’d flung into my apartment moments ago, not one was larger than a watermelon. I remembered each and every one of them. Haley had picked up a second job and saved for a year so she could buy her first bag from that candy-colored collection. It was a small duffel that had cost her $1,800. When it arrived in the mail, she cared for it like newborn baby. She named him Louis One, buffed him nightly and even slept with him on her bedside table. It didn’t take her long after getting engaged to accumulate the rest of her collection.

I was speechless. There once was a time when all I wanted was Haley’s acknowledgement and admiration, but now I felt her draining me instantly. It was like she had sucked all the air out of the room. I still had no idea what to do about it. I looked at Haley, suddenly with very different eyes.

Be kind in word and deed.

Trust your path.

Was Haley my path?

Okay, here goes . . .

I grabbed Andy’s camping chair and pulled it up to the table. “Well you’re just in time. Come join us. I want you to meet my friends,” I said.

She tilted her head and puckered her lips. “Aww, Allie, you’re so sweet. But if you don’t mind, I’d rather take that leopard print chair over there.” She pointed to my seat, the one next to Andy. “This one seems awfully low to the ground.” And with that she sashayed over to Andy, sat down, poured a glass of wine, and turned to him, saying, “So, where are you from?”

I sat down in the camping chair, my head barely clearing the table.

***

Somehow, I made it through dessert. Haley’s interest in Andy was unnerving, and she dominated the conversation with tales about Karl and her other New York friends, each one more outrageous than the last. I remembered how we once loved to gossip, but now it felt shallow and mean. Jenny and Nancy had both grown quiet, and I worried that they were judging me for her behavior. If it weren’t for Andy, Galen and Marco, it could have been really uncomfortable, but they thought she was hilarious. Andy laughed easily, which egged her on, and Galen and Marco talked about their own colorful experiences in New York.

Finally, the evening was over. Jenny and Tucker went off to her parents for “round two of dessert,” while the boys headed out to meet friends at The End Up. Andy left for the greenhouse, having declined Haley’s invitation to grab a drink downtown. Nancy and I now cleaned the kitchen while Haley screamed into her phone; Karl had called.

Nancy reached up to put the salt and pepper away and whispered, “Darling, you have your hands full here. You say she’s a close friend?”

“Well, yes,” I said self-consciously. “She’s like family. I’ve known her forever.”

“Apparently it is your time for a lesson in boundaries, dear girl, because over there is one of your greatest teachers.” She rinsed the creamer and nodded toward Haley.

“What can I do, Nancy? She needs me,” I said, covering the pie with foil.

“Boundaries aren’t for isolation, they’re for containment. Just keep deepening your roots, darling.” She dried the counter, hung the dishtowel, took my face in her warm hands and said, “Call me tomorrow.” Then she was gone, and I was left with Haley.

Haley, my ‘best friend’ who felt like a stranger.

I couldn’t believe it.

We were living together again.

Every morning, the sight of Haley sprawled in silk pajamas across a Roche-Bobois futon confirmed this was
not
a dream. She’d purchased it day two and had it delivered before noon. (“My first Black Friday purchase of the year!”) Now, two weeks later, she looked right at home, a facemask perched over her nose and dual sound machines humming it out on either side of her. It was a Saturday morning, my day off, and I groaned at the thought of spending it with Haley rehashing her New York days. Hoping for a little inspired patience, I grabbed Eckhart Tolle’s
The Power of Now.
I had barely opened the book when Haley stretched and meowed.

“Mmmm. So what’s on the agenda today, Al? A little Christmas shopping?” She flipped the covers back, exposing her perfectly electrolyzed legs. I couldn’t help but look down at my own. Yep. Euphoria Spa was a distant memory.

I looked back at my book. It felt like Haley was slowly draining the life out of me. For days, I’d been encouraging her to find some sort of job, even a volunteer position. I promised that work would revitalize her; although the truth was that my motives were entirely selfish. I needed her to have something to do. She wanted to spend all of my non-working hours together, and although part of me loved to be needed, especially by Haley, I now had zero time to myself and was going slightly insane.

“Allie, are you reading another touchy-feely book? Listen. I
am
here now, and I am
starving
now, so get that tight ass in the shower and let’s go eat breakfast. I was thinking Amanda’s Kitchen.” I could buy ten of the Mission’s best burritos for the price of Amanda’s toast.

“Haley, I told you. I can hardly afford this apartment. I can’t eat at places like Amanda’s.” I stood and walked to the bathroom, grateful for the lock. I could still hear her through the door.

“Oh, please, Alex, you need to live a little. Didn’t you get child support or something from the divorce?”

I could hear her filing her nails. I sat on the toilet and took deep breaths.

“Haley, I don’t have kids. Why would I get child support?” I rubbed my temples.

“You know what I mean. Alimony or whatever. I mean, the Edwards family is loaded. I hope you didn’t let them off easy, especially since he obviously found someone else.”

Ouch. I hadn’t told Haley about Lauren.

Let it go.

“That’s the one thing that makes my split with Karl such a no-brainer. I know I’ll be taken care of. More than taken care of. I just have to be patient and wait for him to realize that he was out of his league and made a mistake. Don’t worry; some other girl will throw herself at him in about two seconds. He’ll ask me for a divorce and then make it up to me with a spectacular settlement. I know it sounds awful, Allie, but you know it’s true: the cheerleader and the chess player—it just doesn’t work.”

I opened the bathroom door and looked at her. It did sound awful. Was she suggesting it was Karl’s fault that their marriage hadn’t worked? She never accepted him for who he was; instead, she hid his pleated pants and sweater vests, and harassed him to cut his hair and work out. She’d always been intolerant of awkward guys. Why was she surprised by the challenges of living with one? Was this how Tripp talked about me, that I was ‘out of my league’? I leapt to Karl’s defense.

“I don’t think that’s fair, Haley. Karl adored you. He tried to be everything you asked him to be. Plus you’d crush anyone in chess,” Irritated, I closed the door again. “Why do you always hide your intelligence, anyway? It’s sneaky.”

“I don’t hide it. I just use it for things other than chess. Like the situation with Karl for example, which, come to think of it, I played a lot like chess. Besides, my mom always said to marry someone who loves you more than you love him. In Karl’s case, the scale was tipped much too far. I mean, he loved me so much it was boring. And so is this conversation, by the way. Back to the point. Amanda’s. Giddy up.”

I couldn’t take it anymore. My chest was tight; my skin was crawling, and every muscle in my body felt rigid, which was happening a lot lately. I jumped up and walked out of the bathroom. I started yanking open dresser drawers, looking for something to wear.

“Actually, I have plans this morning. I forgot.”
Another half-truth. Ugh.
All my personal growth was slipping away. What would Galen say if he heard me? Or Ram Dass, whoever he was? But there was no time to feel guilty; I had to conjure some plans before my half-truth became a full-blown lie. Andy, of course, was the first person who came to mind. I had barely seen him since Haley’s arrival.

“Plans? With whom?” Haley was up now, pulling hundred-dollar t-shirts out of Louis Five. She was stark naked, holding up various articles of clothing and looking at herself in the full-length mirror she had purchased along with her futon. I was having trouble not staring this morning. Her body was flawless and her skin seemed to shimmer. Turning toward me, she dropped her t-shirt and put her hand on her hip. She looked down at Billy.

“I know, sweet dog.” She puckered her lips. “You like what you see, don’t you.”

I laughed—I mean, you had to. She looked at me and smiled. Haley loved an audience.

“I have an idea,” she said.

“Haley, would you mind putting on some clothes before we get into ideas?”

“Oh, Al, you’ve always been so modest. When you’ve got it, why cover it?” She did some porn-star move in the mirror before throwing on a t-shirt and thong. “Anyway. I’ve been thinking. Why don’t I just start paying rent?”

‘Rent’ meant ‘permanent stay.’

“But we don’t even fit in here. Why don’t we look for a place for you? It’ll be fun. We can talk on the phone and meet for coffee, like in New York,” I said enthusiastically. However, reliving those days was the last thing I wanted: meeting up at the latest latte lounge, underdressed and unequipped to deal with her intimidating entourage. I looked over at Haley who now sat on the end of her bed, looking deflated.

“Alex, I really can’t be alone right now. I mean, I have just lost everything.” She looked up at me, tears glistening. I softened.

Checkmate.

“Stay as long as you need.” I could head back to Oregon for the holidays, if things got really bad.

“So who do you have plans with?” She had recovered and was shimmying into her designer jeans.

“Um, Andy.”

“Andy?” she said. “That delicious guy from Thanksgiving? Make that reservation for three.”

Haley started applying her make-up, and I began to panic.

“Oh. Well, I’m not sure what we’re doing—”

“Well, I know what I’m doing. Getting a piece of that very hot—” and then she whispered the word ‘ass.’

Andy’s butt flashed before my eyes.

“Al, you look like death. Are you okay? Don’t tell me you have a crush on Andy? So soon?” She curled her eyelashes and started on her mascara.

“Nothing is going on with Andy. I’m still . . . I can’t . . . ”

“Oh, Al come here.” She put down her eyeliner. “You’re devastated, aren’t you?”

I didn’t move.

“I couldn’t imagine if it had been Karl who left me,” she said. “There’s a big difference when you’re in control. I want to be here for you.”

“You’re a little late.”

It slipped out.

“Oh, come on, Al, don’t be like that. You know what my life was like.” She was back to her make-up. “I talked when I could.”

Her life was busy. And what did I expect from her anyway?

“This is all getting much too serious,” she said, zipping her make-up bag. “Back to your sexy friend. How do I look?” She smiled seductively at herself in the mirror. I felt like I had eaten bad chicken.

My cell started ringing. I turned to grab it off my nightstand when Haley draped her body across my bed and grabbed it herself.

“Greene residence.” She covered the mouthpiece, shrugged her shoulders and scrunched up her face like this was all so much fun. “Andy,” she said, drawing out his name. I stood there paralyzed. “We were just talking about you. It’s Haley. Remember me? Alex’s cute friend from Thanksgiving?” She giggled flirtatiously while I struggled to swallow. “So I’m going to join your breakfast plans, if that’s alright? Really. Well, Alex must be telepathic, because she thought you already had plans. Meet us at Amanda’s? Honey, with those eyes, you could show up just about anywhere in farm clothes. See you in twenty.”

I couldn’t even blink. I grabbed my purse, Billy’s leash, and walked to the front door.

“Come on, pal,” I called out in a weird, robotic monotone.

Haley came and stood next to me in front of the full-length mirror. She held Bitzi in her carrying case.

“Yes, Andy can get away with wearing anything to Amanda’s, but you on the other hand.” She looked at me. I looked at me. I was still in my sweats and hadn’t even put on shoes.

“Oh, yeah,” I said through my mental tailspin about seeing Andy and about Andy seeing Haley. ‘Hot Haley,’ as I’d so often heard her called. I desperately tried to practice
non-reactivity.
I focused on my breath.
In and out.
I walked back to my dresser, grabbed some jeans and a black top. I stepped into my boots, brushed my hair, and was about to put on some make-up when Haley called, “Gotta go, Al! I’ve read that Amanda’s gets busy after nine!”

Oh, whatever.

This whole thing was like a tsunami. I gave up as Haley swept me out the door. At least I had brushed my teeth.

***

When we arrived at Amanda’s, I told Haley to put our names on the list while I took Billy for a quick walk. In the flurry of Haley’s activity that morning, he still hadn’t been out. I also needed a minute to center myself. Andy’s truck wasn’t in the parking lot, so maybe I’d have a chance to intercept him and explain why I allegedly thought we had a date for breakfast. Billy found a little park to sniff around, so I sat on a bench and looked up at the bright December sky. It was the kind of blue that made you wonder about your own place in the world. The kind of blue that was so powerful and otherworldly, it put things into perspective.

Haley’s just another human being, trying to get her needs met.

It wasn’t her fault that I was so frustrated. She just embodied everything that had caused me to lose my way. I’d been there, where Haley was, clinging to a shallow notion of happily ever after. Her fixation on clothes, connections, and wealth seemed ridiculous yet so familiar. I knew she had to be suffering.

Compassion.
Which Sutra was that?

“Alex. Alex!” Haley shrieked with urgency from the entrance of Amanda’s. I jumped to my feet.

“What?!” I yelled back, afraid someone was choking inside.

“Come now!”

She looked so stricken that I quickly tied Billy to a tree and jogged over to her. Already back inside, she waved me up the staircase. “What is it?” I asked breathlessly.

Haley smoothed her hair. “They’ll seat us now, but we all have to be present. It’s completely booked, but there happened to be a no show.”

I looked around for Andy.

“But we’re not all here.”

“It’s fine, trust me.”

We weaved between sophisticated couples easily twice our age, all appropriately dressed and not a dog carrier in sight. The décor was white and silver, and there were calla lilies everywhere.

“Here we are.” The expressionless hostess showed us a tiny corner table. Haley sidled into a narrow booth seat against the wall, leaving me with the miniature chair opposite her. I had no idea where Andy was supposed to go. “Your waitress will be with you shortly.”

Haley wiggled herself deeper into her seat and grabbed the menu, beaming.

“Haley, where is Andy going to sit?” I said.

“Oh, he can scootch right in here next to me. I’m down to a size zero since the split. I love that stress reduces my appetite.”

I reached for a menu, gritting my teeth. If I was going to be compassionate, I really needed to get back to yoga. Maybe if I could help Haley open up about her feelings, then I could be more understanding as well.

“Haley, are you okay?” I looked straight into her eyes. “Ending a marriage isn’t easy, regardless of who does it.”

Her eyes registered pain, and she looked away.

“Oh, there he is! Andy! Over here!” Haley waved her arm.

Floor, swallow me now.

“God, Al, he is fine.”

“You’ve mentioned that,” I mumbled into my water glass.

I felt two hands pressing down on my shoulders.

“So who chose this place?” I heard Andy ask from above my head.

“That would be me,” Haley said before I could respond. “Isn’t it exquisite?” She fluttered her eyelashes almost imperceptibly—a move I knew well. I felt jealousy creep up my spine. But he wasn’t mine, so why did I care?

Abundance. Non-hoarding.

Both of these people were important to me. They could like each other. I took a few deep breaths and sipped my water again.

“Well, Haley, I’ll let you know after I’ve eaten, although it looks like it may be a little tight,” Andy replied.

“No, no. Just squeeze in here next to me. Plenty of room. I’m tiny.” She tucked her hair behind an ear and patted the six-inch space beside her.

“Alright, then,” Andy said as he turned his body sideways and wedged himself in. He seemed to find the whole thing very funny. “So this is cozy,” he said. “How are ya, Oregon? Or have we taken on the alter ego?” He nodded to the fancy Marin-like crowd.

“This was not my choice,” I replied, feeling a little too warm in his presence. I realized that I had really missed him these last two weeks.

Haley chimed in.

“No, I had to drag her here. Who needs to be dragged to Amanda’s? I mean really?”

“I was wondering that myself.” Andy humored her, putting his napkin on his lap. I looked down. He was supporting himself on one extended leg.

“So Haley. Haley from New York. How is it that you landed here in San Francisco?” He picked up the menu with difficulty, given the lack of elbowroom.