Breathe: A Novel (22 page)

“Oh, I just missed my other half.” She smiled sweetly at me.

Memories of seventh grade flashed through my mind, the year we decided it was us against the world. Haley had arrived in Sisters like an exotic bird, dazzling in American Apparel, with a mother that was beautiful, flighty, and single. Adults whispered disapprovingly, while kids begged to go to their parties. Everyone wanted to know Haley, wanted her to transform them into the pictures they had seen in
Seventeen Magazine
. She had chosen me. Now I was in a time warp.

“You missed your what?” Andy asked, putting down the menu and looking at me for clarification.

“My other half. Al is the yin to my yang. How’s that for New Age dogma?” Haley said with satisfaction. She laughed and placed her hand on Andy’s bicep. He raised his eyebrows, I choked on a piece of ice, and the rest of the meal pretty much followed suit. Haley flirted, Andy played along, and I felt entirely uncomfortable.

Andy, of course, knew the chef, and ordered us something that wasn’t on the menu, probably because he couldn’t open the menu without taking out Haley’s eye. The food that arrived was delicious and likely would have cost a fortune, but the tab was taken care of again. This was all Haley needed to seal the deal. She assumed that he was clearly someone important, although for the life of me, I still couldn’t figure out his modest celebrity status wherever we went.

So after he thanked the chef, who had come over to see how our meal was, I asked, “Andy, why do you never have to pay for your food?” I met his eyes, remembering our almost-kisses and kicking myself. He returned the gaze, and I wondered if he was thinking about the same thing.

“I co-own a few restaurants. The food biz is like a family; we take care of each other.” He shrugged. There had to be more to the story. I had never heard of people eating at each other’s restaurants for free.

Haley’s eyes grew big, and she asked, “Which restaurants?”

He turned toward Haley, whose boob was now very close to his pecs. Were they touching?

“Lavender, Rise, and,” now he turned to me as he spoke, “The Cottage.” So he owned that restaurant. No wonder we were treated so well.

Haley’s posture changed. “All environmentally conscious restaurants.” She spoke as if explaining something they both knew but I didn’t. “It’s the way of the future. Everything is local and organic. I bet they even use worm bins like good ol’ Maggie Greene.”

Haley, talking sustainability? Haley, who wouldn’t touch hay bales and hated bugs?

Suddenly, Andy’s attention seemed more focused on Haley.

“Do green restaurants interest you?” he asked Haley.

Yes, Haley, do they?

“Oh, I read about them in
Vanity Fair
. They named the top green restaurants in every city.” And there you had it. Haley’s photographic memory dominated every time. She and Andy continued to discuss “green cuisine,” her boob now resting on his arm, while I was consumed by complete and utter envy, this time unable to deny that I liked Andy. It was so un-evolved to want him now that Haley was interested, but my yoga-self was nowhere to be found.

When the breakfast ménage-a-trois was finally over, I resolved to get myself out of San Francisco ASAP. Clearly, I did not have the yoga/meditation thing down enough to ground myself with Haley around. She could have the apartment for the holidays; throw a party for all I cared. I would spend two quiet weeks in Oregon: Christmas with snow and Mom’s gingerbread. There was no other option. Either I booked a plane ticket that day or I would have to duct-tape Haley to a chair in my closet. I was seriously losing it.

No violent thoughts about self or others
.

It was a good idea in principle, except that I was having violent thoughts every five minutes.

Give thanks for your teachers.

Back at the apartment, I looked at Haley lying on the floor, cucumbers over her eyes and vinegar-soaked dishtowels draped across her stomach. It was a post-meal ritual that she’d read about somewhere, “To diminish retention and help flush toxins.” She had continued to take up more and more space in my apartment, my life, and my mind. Now she was going on and on about Andy and his “entrepreneurship.” No, at that moment I wasn’t thankful for “my teacher Haley.” I wanted to be, but I wasn’t. I stepped over her, grabbing my cell phone and laptop, and headed for the door.

Once outside, I dialed the ranch. My mom answered.

“Hi, honey. How are things with Miss Haley? Is she recovering?” She was in the barn; I could hear the horses. For years, it was impossible to reach her during daylight hours until they finally got a line installed down there. Mom wasn’t one for cell phones.

“Mom, I’m about to lose it,” I said, unable to defend Haley for another second. I was ready to admit I had been wrong about so many things. Not needing to be right was freeing. At least I was practicing that.

“Have compassion, honey.”

“Mom, she is worse than ever.”

“I have a feeling, Alex, that she hasn’t changed much. Just remember, she is doing the best that she can, given what she’s got.”

“Okay, well, she can do her best independently for a little while. I’m ready for a break. What are you guys doing for Christmas?”

“Alex! If this means you are coming home, I am eternally grateful to that crazy-making girl,” she laughed.

“Would two weeks be okay? I just wanted to check with you before I booked the ticket.”

“Of course! That’s great news.”

“I miss it, Mom. I miss you and the ranch and Winger . . . ” I heard someone yelling in the background and wondered if an animal was stuck in a cattle guard. Or maybe one of the trough pipes had frozen. I wanted to be there to help.

“And we miss you, Alex. Now get on home!”

I laughed out loud. All was not lost. This healing process was deepening our relationship. I could feel it. And I realized that my needing space from Haley was a sign of growth, not regression. If she was in fact my teacher, I could consider this my Christmas Break. I had been taking it all too seriously.

“Love you, Mom.”

“Love you, honey. Now I have to run. You stay here as long as you like. Always. You know that.”

I opened my laptop and wondered if Haley was still deep in her monologue, oblivious that I had left the apartment. I found a flight that left the next week and returned two days after Christmas. Perfect. Looking at the trees, whose branches were now bare, I found myself thinking of Andy. Lying in the crook of his arm, watching the great oak leaves rustle in the wind . . .

I walked back upstairs and found Haley still on her back, only now she was quiet. I walked into the kitchen and opened the fridge, retrieving a pitcher of water.

“Alex? Alex, is that you? You scared me. I was sharing my final heart-wrenching conversation with Karl, and when I didn’t hear anything I started yelling, and still, nothing. I’ve told you, it’s really hard for me to be alone right now. And I can’t remove these vinegar wraps for another thirty minutes.”

Probably not the best time to tell her I’d be heading back to Oregon.

Half an hour later, my phone rang. It was Jenny, and her voice was like music.

“Alright, sister. Is it rescue mission time? I’ve seen you once in three weeks. Is that wretched woman holding you captive?”

“She’s a good friend,” I said.

Haley chimed in. “Who are you talking to?”

“Jenny,” I answered.

“Yes?” Jenny replied.

“No. Sorry, Jenny. I was talking to Haley.”

“Oh, she’s right there. Okay, I’ll keep this quick. Here’s the deal. Tomorrow morning, Galen’s class. Just you and me. We’ll do the early one. That way you can sneak out before Legally Blonde wakes up.”

Was I terrible to think that this was the best idea I’d heard since Haley moved in?

“Okay,” I replied, knowing that if I said anything else, Haley would figure it out. She could smell plans being made without her.

“So that means yes? Excellent. I’ll be downstairs at seven. Stealth mode. I can’t handle your friend. No offense.”

“What about acceptance and tolerance? You’re the one that got me into all this stuff.”

“Yes, well, there’s also self-preservation. See you in the morning!”

As much as I wanted a day with Jenny alone, it didn’t feel right to be so deceptive. Haley was finally up off the floor, peeling layers of paper towel from her pancake-flat stomach.

“That woman Jenny is a little chilly, don’t you think?” she commented.

“What do you mean?” I asked, remembering Jenny’s obvious disdain for Haley at Thanksgiving.

“Oh, nothing. I’m sure once I get to know her I’ll love her just like you do.” She grabbed an orange from a bowl on the counter. “So why don’t we all hang out tomorrow? I have no plans.”

“Haley, you never have plans. You don’t know anyone here. And you keep refusing to get a job,” I said. “What if we stop by the Museum of Modern Art this afternoon. I saw that they’re looking for program coordinators. I think it’d be perfect for you.”

“But there’s no need for me to work. Karl is sending checks weekly.”

“I wanted to spend the day with Jenny tomorrow.”

“Great. I’m sure we’ll be best friends by the day’s end.” She was flipping through
Be Here Now
. It was faded and the pages were falling out. I think I’d studied it daily since the accident. “Alex, what is this stuff you’ve been reading?” She tossed it on the bed.

“No, Haley. Just Jenny and me,” I said, envisioning Nancy’s face for moral support.

Boundaries.

She seemed unfazed. “I guess I could call Andy and see what he’s up to tomorrow.”

“What?” I said with too much urgency. “I mean, I guess you could join us. Why don’t we all go to yoga tomorrow?” So much for personal growth. I had regressed to the eighth grade after all. Jenny was never going to talk to me again.

“You’re into him, aren’t you? Why won’t you just admit it?” Haley pressed.

“Haley, I’m working on self-improvement, in case you hadn’t noticed. I’ve got to get a handle on myself before I get into another relationship,” I said.

“Oh, Allie. Still thinking way too much. You have got to stop trying so hard. Have some fun. You’re great at being funny on the outside, but you’re so intense on the inside.”

“Maybe that’s just who I am, Haley.”

She stroked Bitzi, who was sitting on her lap. “I’m just saying, live a little.”

I almost pushed back at this mild criticism out of habit. Then it occurred to me that we were finally having a real conversation. Haley obviously found it easier to talk about my pain than her own, but still, she was present. Maybe this relationship would deepen too?

“If you really don’t want me to come tomorrow, I won’t,” she said, adjusting the tiny white bows over Bitzi’s ears. She looked sad, and it didn’t feel manipulative.

The suffering of one is the suffering of all.

“Of course I do, Hay.”

She smiled, unzipped Louis Two, and started laying out her yoga clothes.

“So how about that museum?” I asked one more time.

“Nah.” She wrinkled her nose and shook her head. “Not interested.”

***

When Jenny showed up the next morning, Haley and I were waiting outside with our mat bags. She looked at me and said flatly, “Jump in, girls.”

“Hey, cute car,” Haley said as she opened the passenger door and climbed in. “Adorable and fun. Just like you, Jenny.” I watched with apprehension as Haley got herself situated in the backseat then reached forward to give herself a quick check in the rear view mirror. “You know, as Allie’s two best friends,” she said as she fixed her hair, “we should really be better acquainted. I’m glad we’re spending the day together.”

“We’re spending the day together?” Jenny flicked her gaze to me, a look of irritation on her face. Avoiding eye contact, I jumped into the car and closed the door.

“Haley’s been wanting to try Galen’s class,” I explained in what I hoped was a subtly apologetic tone. “And she’d also like to get to know you.”

“He’s even known in the New York yoga scene. All these A-listers, Al? You’re making me proud,” Haley said, now applying some bronzer.

“So you’re into yoga?” Jenny asked.

“Oh, God, yes. All those hot bodies, cute clothes, and amazing tricks? Had to try it. And let’s be honest, once you get good at it, you feel like a rock star.”

“Is that so,” Jenny replied. I understood her exasperation, but wished she could be just a little bit nicer. Blatantly turning her attention to me, she said, “So, Alex, how’s your leg?”

“I think I’m pretty much back to normal. I mean, it’s tight, but I did a full class last week with just a couple modifications.” I rolled my window down a crack.

“I didn’t notice any modifications. What happened to your leg, Al?” Haley asked, inserting her head between the two front seats.

“As one of her best friends, shouldn’t you know?” Jenny replied frostily.

“I beg your pardon?” Haley’s tone was cool. “And where are you going anyway? We were supposed to turn back there.”

Ignoring Haley, Jenny looked at me and said, “Galen switched his schedule to teach at the Marin Club on Sunday mornings.”

I had forgotten this small fact, and suddenly realized that I was headed back to Marin for the first time since I moved.

“Shoot, Jenny, Marin?” I asked.

“I know, Alex. I thought of that. But you’ve moved on. It’ll be good. You’ll see how you’ve outgrown it. Plus, we can just do the class and leave if it’s too hard to be there,” Jenny replied.

I now realized why she had insisted on picking me up. There was no way I would have driven to Marin on my own. I appreciated that Jenny’s attempts to help me move on were well intentioned, but her pace was faster than mine. I drew a deep breath.

Everything happens for a reason.

“I’m sure you’re right. It’ll be fine,” I said, trying to locate my bigger yoga Self.

Let go. Go on.

“Of course it will be fine,” Haley interjected. “Marin is one of the most fabulous places on the West Coast. Who wouldn’t want to spend a day there?” She was back to checking herself out in the rear view mirror. Again, Jenny readjusted it. “In fact, I think we should hit the Terrace for lunch after class and then do a little shopping. I’m so excited! A day with the girls. I haven’t done that in so long. I’m not kidding. I was like Karl’s prisoner in that penthouse. A woman needs her girl time, right?” She squeezed both our shoulders.

I was watching Jenny carefully. Haley seemed to have let her earlier comments go, but I wasn’t sure she would get away with anymore. I felt a face-off coming.

“Karl, huh? Is Karl your husband?” Jenny asked.

“Soon to be EX-husband, thank you very much.”

“Right. So what happened?” Jenny was clearly struggling with whether she really wanted to know.

“Nothing happened. Nothing at all,” Haley said, examining her nails. “That was the problem. Karl was totally uninspired. He seemed so promising in the beginning, but it became clear he was going nowhere fast, and I couldn’t waste my talent on that. It goes to show . . . ” she sighed. “You just never know.”

“I’m sorry, did you say your ‘talent’?”

Here we go.

I remembered that Winger reared at an aggressive steed one time. I held on for dear life, trying to steer him away. Now I was doing the same.

“Haley met Karl when he was a rising star at his law firm. He retired when he didn’t make partner.” I kept my tone neutral.

“And don’t get me wrong. I didn’t leave because he quit his job. It’s just that once he had all that free time and was actually home, I got to know who he really was.” Haley stretched out her legs between the two front seats.

“How long were you married?” Jenny was now sounding more floored than anything else.

“Oh, what, Al, three years? We got married the year before you guys did. Now
yours
was a fun wedding; were you there, Jenny? Alex and Tripp looked so gorgeous.
That
guy is a winner. If he went under, at least you wouldn’t get bored looking at him.”

“Haley, I’m not married to him anymore, remember?” I said, thinking twice about Jenny letting her have it.

“Oh, I know. I’m just saying. You were much smarter in your selection.”

Right. Much smarter.

Jenny shook her head slightly. “Are you for real?”

I looked back at Haley who was now leaning against the seat, looking out the window wistfully. She somehow missed Jenny’s comment. Or didn’t care.

“Cut her some slack. Her marriage is ending,” I said.

“Yeah, she mentioned that.”

When we arrived at the club, I expected to feel anxious, embarrassed, indignant or something at least. But as Jenny predicted, I’d somehow outgrown it. A bowl of genetically inflated fruit gleamed at the valet stand as we drove past.

“Can you just drop me off here please?” Haley asked.

“Why?” I asked as Jenny slammed on the brakes. She was more than happy to let her out.

“I want to hit the girl’s room before class,” Haley said, although more likely she was on her way to get a good spot in the room. “See you in there.” She shut the door, and Jenny looked at me.

“I don’t even know what to say. I’m completely confused.” We cruised the lot, looking for a parking place. “I mean, you have nothing in common. What do you even talk about?” Jenny asked as she put on her blinker.

“You heard her. She does most of the talking.” I pulled our mats from the back seat.

“Obviously, but doesn’t she drive you insane?”

Walking toward the entrance, I still felt nothing, not even a twinge of angst. Instead, I was already thinking about unrolling my mat, getting into child’s pose, and taking some deep breaths . . .

“Alex, are you with me?” Jenny persisted.

“Sorry, what? Oh, Haley?” I shook my head. “I don’t know. She definitely annoys me, which is something I never thought I’d hear myself say.” I looked up at the Club’s impressive façade as we entered the lobby. “I mean, she always had it so together back in Sisters. Her ambition scared the heck out of me, but she was smart and ballsy and fun to be with.” I vaguely recognized a few people milling around inside. “I guess things really unraveled for both of us in New York.” I thought about it for a second, my back against the counter while Jenny dug around in her purse. “I had no idea she was going through any turmoil.” I turned to face her and said, “I don’t know how I’m gonna do it, Jenny, but I want to be there for her this time.”

“Well I guess that makes you a saint.” Jenny scanned her member card and wrote me in as a guest. Apparently, Haley had breezed right in. She must have said she was someone’s guest. I still admired her knack for appearing to belong everywhere she went.

Changing the subject, Jenny looked around and asked, “Does this feel too weird? Is it hard for you to be here?”

“Actually, no. It feels like I was never even a part of all this.” I hoped she wouldn’t take that the wrong way. I stopped and looked at her. “Jenny, you know that when I comment on my life with Tripp, I’m not judging yours, right? I mean, I really admire how you and Tucker are so comfortable in all this, but manage to stay grounded and open.”

“Of course.” She put her arm across my shoulders, and we started walking again. “You’re a yogi now. Yogis don’t judge. Except maybe this one,” she said as she pointed to herself, “who needs some serious help with one over-the-top blonde. I am judging her all over the place.” I smiled at her sympathetically.

When we reached the studio, there was Haley front and center, cornering Galen. She was recounting her yoga resume and name-dropping yoga teachers in New York loud enough for the whole room to hear. It appeared she neglected to save spots for Jenny and me.

Galen looked up, saw us both, and gently excused himself from Haley. He gave me a big hug. “Alex in Marin? It truly is a beautiful day.” He gave Jenny a hug as well, then asked a few people to move their mats, placing ours in between. “So what’s the latest? How’s old Andy?” he asked.

I blushed and busied myself with a block and strap. “Fine, I think. I mean, he’s good.”

Galen stood above me like the Great Ganesha himself. He smiled and shook his head. “Alex, you are one lovely mystery.”

Before I could ask what he meant, Galen called us all into child’s pose, inviting us to shift our attention from the external to the internal. Thanks to his comment, though, all I could think about was Andy, who probably counted as “external;” I figured it was Galen’s fault though, so I should just go ahead and enjoy. More distraction came later during standing poses, when the only
drishti
I could find was Haley’s bright blond head. Her performance was pretty shocking, sucking in her cheeks and sticking out her chest. I realized with a mix of embarrassment and empathy that a couple months ago, that had been me. I reluctantly took my eyes off her and finally turned inward—as much as I could. I figured I’d settle my intention on ‘acceptance,’ because it sure seemed that Haley was here to stay.

In and out. In and out.

Feeling more calm and centered with each breath, I continued moving through poses. I focused on my own work, my own healing, and my own practice, letting everything else outside of me fade. My hamstring was tight, but I considered it a reminder of how far I’d come. When Galen called out tree pose, I lifted my right foot and placed it against my left thigh. And with hands in prayer position, I found my balance.