Breathe Me In (20 page)

I took her for her hearing and the judge threw out the charge since it turned out the coke was mostly cut with baking soda. Given that she’d passed her drug test and had no prior possessions, he let it go. Which meant social services wouldn’t come sniffing around. It was a huge relief for me as well as for her, but we drove out of the city for two hours before either one of us said much of anything. I hadn’t slept well, and it was clear she hadn’t either. There were dark circles under her eyes that I wanted to smooth away.

The urge to kiss her had been strong all morning. It was unpleasant to be shut out, cold-shouldered. I hated it.

She was leaning on the window, staring out at the trees.

“Do you want to stop for some coffee?” I asked, spotting a rest area sign.

“Only if you do.”

That did me in. “Anya. What are you thinking?”

“I don’t know, Kane. I just want to get back to Maine so I don’t have to sit next to you totally aware of the fact that you’re walking away from our relationship.” She turned to me. “It hurts. Okay? It hurts.”

“I’m not going to do that.” Okay, wait a minute. Was I reversing my decision on breaking up with her? No. I couldn’t do that. She drove me insane. I wanted more than what she was willing to offer me, which was a total lack of trust. “But I can’t keep trying to give you what you need when you never bother to ask me what I need. I’m done.”

I’d already said that I was done. And she’d just said it hurt, so why did I say it again? That was a dick move. But I wasn’t really done. I was just trying to convince myself that I was and it fucking pissed me off.

“So walk away,” she shrugged. “I think we’ve already established that.

I couldn’t walk away. Fuck. Fucking fuck. Why wasn’t I going to walk away? Oh, my God, what the hell was wrong with me? Any sane man would. I ran my fingers through my hair. “I can’t. That’s not how it works.”

“But you’re breaking up with me.” She blew her hair out of her eyes and pulled the hood up on her sweatshirt.

She looked adorable and full of attitude. She pulled her hood up whenever she was upset. Afraid. Feeling defensive. I wondered if she even knew she did that. I wanted to take her into my arms and never let her go. I was full of shit. I wasn’t going to break up with her. And I wasn’t going to let her break up with me. If I wanted her- and fucking yeah, I wanted her- I was going to have to take her. Make her mine. Demand what I wanted and give her exactly what she wanted.

“I don’t think that I am, actually. I don’t think that was every really an option for me.”

“What do you mean?”

I glanced over at her. “I’m in.” Pulling off at the exit, I waited for her to respond, but she just chewed her lip and stared at me, looking pensive.

Parking the car, I leaned toward her, eliminating the space between us. “I don’t trust you because you don’t trust me. You lie to me, you keep secrets, you take off. You tell me what you think I want to hear. I hate that.”

“It’s not easy for me to trust,” she said, her voice quieter. “That doesn’t mean I don’t want to trust you. But I don’t know how to have a relationship.”

God, she was so beautiful. So sweet. So special. She’d had nothing given to her. Nothing. Yet she was such a survivor and I loved the way she loved Asher with the fierceness of a lioness with her cub. She would kill for him, I had no doubt, despite never having been shown what a mother should be. I loved her because I admired her, because I could look at her and see that she was capable of great love, of wonderful things. I didn’t want another man to love her, to be the one who gave her protection, comfort, security. I wanted that man to be me.

“I don’t know how to do that either.” I cupped her cheek, and ran my hand back into her hair under her soft hood. “I don’t want to lose you. But I can’t always be worried that you’re going to take off on me.”

Anya stared at me, hers eyes dark, huge. She gave a shuddering sigh. “I don’t want to take off on you. I want to stay in one place. I want to build a future. But it seems so unreal… like I can’t have it. Like I don’t deserve it.”

That made my gut clench. “Hey. You deserve everything you want.” I kissed her softly. “I love you, Anya. I do. I love you so much it makes me crazy. I want to pick you up, carry you home, and handcuff you to my bed so you can’t leave me ever.”

Her lips were close to mine, but not touching. Her breath teased against my flesh. “I don’t want to leave. Because I love you, too. I wasn’t sure I knew what love is.” Her eyes held mine. “But this is love.”

Hearing that was pretty fucking amazing. I knew what it took for her to admit that. “How can I help you learn to trust me? Tell me so I can work on it. I want this to work.”

Anya touched my lips with her finger, like she was just in awe of this. Of us. Then she gave me a smirk, a soft laugh escaping her mouth. “You have to trust me with your gun.”

I grimaced. I couldn’t help it. She had me by the balls because letting her have a firearm definitely required a shit ton of trust on my part. “We can work on that.” The thought made me swallow hard. But that’s what it was about. We couldn’t move forward if we couldn’t trust each other, couldn’t work together. Communicate.

“What about you? What is my trust test?”

That was easy. “You let me cuff you.”

Anya’s face leeched of color. “But…”

“I know it’s uncomfortable. That’s the point, right? You have to trust me not to take advantage of you when you’re vulnerable. That’s what I know about relationships. Ethan told me that with you I need to be all in or all out. He was right. I’m all in.” God, I was so fucking all in. “How about you?”

Anya smiled up at me. “I’m in. I’m scared shitless. But I’m in.”

“Bullshit. You’re the bravest girl I know.” And she was mine. All mine.

I kissed her, hard, dragging her over the stick shift and half onto my lap. I’d missed her mouth.

She gripped the back of my head and kissed me back.

Spring in Maine was like my period- late. It was April and there was no sign of trees budding, birds singing, or my monthly crampfest. After three weeks of waiting for its arrival, and having been pregnant before, I was pretty damn sure that Kane and I were knocked up. After six months of living together and learning each other, and fighting and pouting and learning how to not give him a knee-jerk reaction every time I felt insecure or unsure, we were doing great. Our awesome moments always outweighed the rough ones, and since we both knew our greatest fears it was easy to see when they popped up like an emotional Jack-in-the-box.

But this… I wasn’t sure about this. We’d been using condoms but sometimes we got ahead of ourselves in the moment. I wasn’t nervous about how Kane would react though. I knew he would be happy. I knew he would stand by me. I knew he’d never favor his biological child over Asher, and I knew that he was in it for the long haul. Knowing I had nothing to be afraid of in telling him I was pregnant showed me that it was time to give him what he had been asking for- my total trust.

When he got home from work, Asher was already down for the night. Kane came in and tossed his keys on the table he had by the door. I had moved in with him at Christmas and I liked waiting up until he got off second shift. We didn’t always have the same days off but in the summer I was planning to go to cosmetology school so my schedule would be more stable.

“Hey,” I said, rising off the couch and stretching my arms over my head both because I was stiff and because I knew it would turn him on.

“Hi.” Kane strode over to me.

Him wearing his uniform would never stop getting me hot and bothered. It was like a visual orgasm every time he donned the black pants and work boots. Sometimes when I tugged on his hair and tore open his shirt, I thought how totally sexy it was to fuck the police. Literally. Today I had something other than tearing his clothes off in mind.

Our sex life was occasionally tender, but mostly it stayed rough and explosive, rather than a slow burn. We were combustible and had been since day one. I didn’t want it any other way.

“Asher get to sleep okay?” he asked, reaching out and driving his hand into my hair. He yanked me towards him. “I missed you.”

“I missed you too.” I kissed him, our mouths a hot tangle of tongues. Reaching down between us, I stroked over his cock and then rested my hand on the outside of his gun holster. “Can I?”

“Yes.” There was no hesitation in his voice and that made me love him even more. He trusted me and every time he let me touch his weapon he proved it. It meant more to me than anything- even that he loved me. It meant he accepted me as I was and he didn’t need to change or fix me. He wasn’t looking for the better version of Anya. He wanted the real me.

Kane had given me lessons on handling firearms and I removed his handgun the way he had shown me to, removing the cartridge and putting it in the kitchen cabinet. I rounded on him and pointed the gun at him, unable to prevent a grin from splitting my face. “Give me your wallet.”

That made him laugh. “I’m pretty sure there’s nothing in it thanks to you.”

I stuck out my tongue. “Fine. Give me your cock instead then.” As his eyes darkened, I bit my bottom lip, knowing how much he liked that, whether he was even aware of it or not.

Kane reached out and disarmed me. “You’re not going calling the shots here. I am.” He turned me around and forced me to bend over the sofa.

Oh, yeah. A shiver of anticipation crawled up my skin. The ache between my thighs increased when he kicked my legs apart. “You’re under arrest for threatening a police officer.”

“This is police brutality.”

He leaned over and whispered roughly in my ear. “Cooperate and there won’t be a problem.”

“Yes, sir.” Then I snickered, because even I couldn’t help it. Submissiveness was never going to be part of my personality, but I released all my anger, all my issues, when I was with Kane. He made me happy, relaxed. This wasn’t about giving in to him, it was about letting go, enjoying him and my sexuality. I had never understood the power of pleasure until I’d met him.

Our passion brought us an intimacy, a bond, I had never expected to feel and it was amazing.

So I let him put the cuffs on me, cool metal over hot skin, not behind me, but in front so my arms could be raised.

Kane peeled my pants down in one smooth movement. Turning me around, he lowered me to the couch, and took my hands above my head. Then he was inside me, our bodies blended in perfect hot harmony. He watched me the entire time, our gazes held by the invisible thread between us that seemed to strengthen every day. He let me come first, like he always did, a sort of gentleman’s courtesy that was sometimes still foreign to me.

When he rested his forehead on mine, breathing hard, his uniform rumpling between us, I was suddenly overwhelmed by a tenderness I hadn’t even known I was capable of for anyone other than my son. “Kane,” I said, voice hoarse. “I think I’m pregnant.”

“How can you know that already? I’m still inside you.”

That made me laugh. “No. I mean, I haven’t gotten my period in seven weeks.”

“Oh.” He pulled back and fumbled in his pocket for the handcuff keys. When he removed them, he massaged my wrists. “Wow. That’s okay, right? I mean, we haven’t talked about kids, but we already have one. What’s another one, right?”

That made me relax my shoulders. “If I’m not, we should be more careful.”

Kane kissed me, a deep, territorial, tender kiss. “Or maybe we should just be.”

I closed my eyes and breathed his scent in. “You’re right. You’re absolutely right.”

I had everything I needed and more.

I was a survivor, but now, I was just living.