Breathe Me In (15 page)

“You are generous.” She maneuvered my cock until it was resting right at her moist heat. “But I’ll save my power for moments when it really matters.” She sank down onto me.

I gritted my teeth against the pleasure. “Like now?”

“Like now.”

I was going to have to extract more information from Anya about the dealer and deal with it.

But for the moment, there was only her, me, and the promise of pleasure. We moved together, for our mutual satisfaction, her body rising and falling on mine, her wet heat surrounding me. I buried my lips in her hair. “You feel so good,” I murmured.

Her answer was her orgasm, a tight hot explosion, her cry sliding past my ear. So absolutely fucking hot.

When I drove her back to her apartment that night she let me rest my hand on her knee. She let me walk her to the door and see her inside. Like what you did when you date. She let me kiss her goodnight and she kissed me back.

Then she flicked my arm with her index finger. Like she couldn’t quite leave it at just straight up tenderness. So I soft kicked her ass with my boot heel.

“Hey!” she said, though she looked more amused than upset. “Douche.”

I laughed and opened the apartment door for her. “Go to bed, you badass. I’ll call you tomorrow.”

She did a pinup girl pose with an invisible phone and said, “For a good time, call me.”

That really made me snort. I reached out and grabbed her hand, which was the phone for our purposes, and said into it, “You’re insane. But adorable.”

Anya made a face, because if I had learned anything, it was that Anya couldn’t take a compliment. But then suddenly without warning, she reached forward, cupped my cheeks with her petite hands, and kissed me. Hard. Then stepped back and shut the door on my face.

She liked me.

I walked back to my car, grinning like a total idiot.

“Let’s go to Old Port,” Kane said, as he stroked hair back off my head and behind my ear.

I didn’t like my hair behind my ear, but I did like him touching me. After a few weeks of seeing each other as much as our schedules allowed, I had not only gotten used to him touching me, I craved it. I was like the dog who rolled on her back to get a belly rub every time her owner’s hand came out. Kane reached for me and I moved into his touch. It was wonderful and awful all at once. I felt… ashamed to be enjoying it as much as I was. Like I was being stupid and naïve. It was like a betrayal of myself and all I’d done to establish a life on my own. Now I was just going to trust him and his feelings and his touch?

Maybe it wasn’t trust that he wouldn’t hurt me eventually, but there was trust that his intentions were honest, pure. He wasn’t a player and he wasn’t using me, not any more than anyone used another person. We all did to a certain extent. But I still felt in constant flux about my feelings. I couldn’t help it.

“What is Old Port?” I asked, snuggling against him on his couch. We were naked, which was what happened every time we saw each other. Sometimes it was immediate, the minute we saw each other. We’d greet each other with hot kisses and torn off clothes. Other times it was at the end of the night, when we would strip at a more leisurely pace, and Kane would spend a lot of time driving me crazy with his tongue. But that day we’d gone to breakfast because I had to work that night at the pizza place. After an omelet Kane had gotten that look in his eye that told me there was no way he’d let me go home without getting more than one breakfast sausage.

“It’s the area by the water. There are shops, restaurants. An observatory. It’s really nice out today, I think we should go before the first snowfall.”

“This is nice?” It was like two degrees outside.

“It’s sunny.” He kissed me. “Please?”

It was really hard to say no to him when he was so freaking cute. “Okay. But I have to be home in time to see Asher for at least two hours before I have to go to work. I miss him when I’m working all these hours.” Juggling a job and dating and being a mom was shit, but at the same time, I felt more at peace than I had in maybe ever. The money was steady, Kane was steady, Chloe was steady. Asher had cut another tooth, and I had actually bought myself a winter coat at the thrift shop. Despite my nearly daily freak out over actually doing whatever it was with Kane, I felt happy. Good.

“That’s fine. Let’s get dressed and head out.”

“What, clothes are necessary? Count me out.”

He made a face at me. “You’re so hilarious. It’s honestly like the first thing I noticed about you. I said, now there’s a chick with a sense of humor.”

I threw a couch cushion at him. “Shut up.”

Kane grinned. “And no, you can’t drive, before you even ask.”

I stuck my tongue out at him. I wanted more experience driving so I could take the test, but I couldn’t get my temps without having possession of my birth certificate. I had no clue where that was, and go figure, Kane was a stickler for the law. “All right, I will stop asking.”

“How about we just figure out how to get your birth certificate?” Kane stood up.

I was distracted by the sight of his perfect ass inches away from me. “Huh?”

“Your birth certificate. Let’s order it online. Make you all legit.”

That soured my mood. “I don’t even know where to start. I guess I had a Russian birth certificate, but then I had an American passport when I was adopted. And I guess maybe I have an American birth certificate? I don’t know.”

“How did you get your temps the first time?”

Standing up, I moved around the coffee table to get my jeans. “From a friend.” Yeah, not exactly totally legal. But I’d needed a job and I’d needed the ID. It wasn’t my fault there was no paper trail to say who the hell I was.

He sighed. “That’s not going to work long term. You have to deal with the proper channels.”

“Because the proper channels have been so helpful to me.”

Kane pulled on his underwear. “Okay. Never mind. I’m sorry. I was just trying to be helpful.”

“I know.” I got dressed, uneasy. It was a struggle not to be defensive, but I was trying. I was really trying.

The silence was mostly easy as we drove into town and to the coast. Every time I saw another part of Portland, I was amazed at how beautiful it was. As soon as Kane parked his truck and we opened our doors, I could smell the sea. The buildings were all brick and way older than I was expecting. It almost looked European, with the cobblestone streets and colorful doors.

“I envy you growing up here,” I said as we started down the street. Kane reached out for my hand and I let him take it, even though it made me feel incredibly self-conscious and ridiculous.

“I am a Mainer, no doubt. I love it here. Where was your favorite place to be when you were a kid?” he asked, tucking both of our hands into the pocket of his hunting jacket.

I answered without thinking. “Alone. That was my favorite place to be.” Sometime when I thought about my childhood, it was like I was watching a movie. I was the silent narrator, staring out at everyone, observing. Blending in.

Kane squeezed my hand. “I’m sorry. Were there any good memories?”

“Sure, here and there. But after the adoption, I got quiet. Not as quiet as Chloe, apparently, but quiet at home. Everywhere else though, I lashed out. I shoved kids when they bullied me, I back talked teachers who were mocking of my accent. Then when I was fourteen I just figured fuck it, and left. That wasn’t that smart of an idea, I guess, in hindsight. But there are moments, you know?” I leaned my head against his shoulder as we walked, simply because I could. “The sun on the carpet. A Christmas ornament. A hug from my fifth grade teacher. They stand out.” Like now. Like Maine in the fall, the trees exploding in color around us, the ocean sprawling out, a dark mystery. I would remember how it felt to walk, our shoes on the stones, hands entwined, my body satisfied. Emotions engaged. Not hidden. Not buried. Not shrouded with anger.

“That’s how I feel about the time after my dad left.”

“Do you ever talk to him?”

Kane made a sound of irritation. “No. He pays child support, but against his will. No one has spoken to him since the day he left.”

Now it was my turn to squeeze his hand.

Then I stopped walking in front of a store window, captivated by the cat sleeping against the glass. “There’s a cat in there.”

“A fat cat, geez.”

It seemed weird to me that the cat knew where he belonged. He was so confident of his place in the store he was willing to close his eyes and trust nothing bad would happen to him. “I want to be like that cat,” I said, without really intending to speak out loud. “I want to fall asleep and not be afraid what will happen when I open my eyes.”

Kane reached over and kissed the side of my head. “Anya.”

“Yeah?” I turned and glanced up at him.

There was a tenderness in his eyes I didn’t feel like I deserved. “Anya, I think you’re really fucking amazing. Just thought you should know that.”

I wanted to make a joke. I wanted to snort. I wanted to push him or call him a name to deflect my embarrassment. But I fought against all of those things. I didn’t want to be the woman who couldn’t take a compliment. I was amazing in some ways. I had survived. I had my morals still intact, for the most part. I never willingly wanted to hurt anyone. I had kept myself away from drugs when it would have been easy to give into a little bit of escape. So yeah, maybe I could believe Kane just a little bit. Maybe since I had let down my guard with him somewhat, he saw me more clearly than anyone.

“Thanks,” I whispered, my throat tight. “You’re not so bad yourself.”

The corner of Kane’s mouth turned up. “Maybe someday you’ll let me tell you how I really feel.” He put his hands up to make a frame in front of my face. “But just seeing how beautiful you are is good enough for today.”

I wanted to ask him how he felt. What that meant. But he was right. Just being together was good enough for now. I wasn’t sure I could handle any more.

He kissed me softly.

I was pretty sure that this might be what love feels like. Whatever it was, it was delicious.

My hands were sweating and my armpits were sweating and my heart was racing as Kane and I drove to his mother’s house, Asher clicked into his new car seat in the back of Kane’s truck. I’d never done a family dinner. With my own family or a guy’s family or anyone’s family.

“What’s the matter?” Kane asked, glancing over at me.

“I think I’m having a heart attack.” I put my hand on my chest. “I’m terrified to meet your family, I totally admit it.”

“They’re going to love you,” Kane said. “And you already met Kasey.”

Right. When I’d fainted from starvation at the bus station after stealing baby food. “I don’t even remember what I said to your sister, honestly. It’s kind of a blur of foggy thoughts and blind panic. And it’s more than a little embarrassing that your family’s first impression of me is poverty-stricken passing out bus station girl. That’s classy.”

“Will you stop?” Kane said, idling at a red light and reaching over to squeeze my knee. “I didn’t tell anyone else about that. I just said we met at the bus station when you weren’t feeling good.”

“What did you tell them about Asher?” I wasn’t sure I had ever been that scared, truthfully. Not during childbirth, not when I found Sam dead, not when I was penniless in the bus station. Because what was so damn scary was that it really, really mattered to me that Kane’s family like me. I wanted to fit in with them, I wanted them to accept me. I wanted to make Kane proud.

All of which made me feel vulnerable and nervous.

When I’m nervous I get rude. I can’t help it.

“I told them he’s a baby. Fourteen months old. Not a particularly picky eater but don’t offer him a beer, he’s underage.” Kane hit the gas when the light changed. “It’s going to be fine, I promise.”

“Did you tell them about his father?”

“I told my mom he passed away, that’s all. No reason to tell her your life story in five minutes. Just be your normal self, it’s all good.”

I fought the urge to say that no one really liked my normal self. Maybe just him and Chloe, and Chloe was predisposed to like me because we were twins. Kane? Well, I couldn’t make out what he saw in me, honestly. But I bit my tongue. That was way too self-deprecating to say out loud.

The house Kane had grown up in was mid-sized, unassuming. Just a sixties rambler with lots of trees in the yard. They were mostly deciduous and it was a pretty neighborhood. Relaxing. There was a pumpkin and a scarecrow on the stoop by the front door. “This is a nice area. I like it.”

“My mom has been here since I was two. Crazy. But yeah, it was a nice place to grow up.” Kane parked in the driveway behind an older sedan and got out.

Before I could work up the nerve to exit, he had Asher out of his car seat and on his hip, diaper bag on his shoulder. I was both grateful whenever he took charge with Asher, and territorial. I couldn’t help it. I appreciated the help and I appreciated that he knew my son was my priority and that if we were going to date, Asher would be around at times, but at the same time I felt that instinctual tug of mine. Asher was mine and I had been the one to take care of him since the minute he was born. Kane was just playing house. But I knew that wasn’t fair so I swallowed those feelings every time they arose.

Nor could I deny that Asher liked Kane and was comfortable with him, and Kane was a natural with kids. The three of us hadn’t spent a ton of time together, but we had some, because I didn’t want to blow off my kid to have a boyfriend. Or whatever you wanted to call what Kane was to me.

Kane carried Asher with the ease of someone who had spent years helping his mother with younger siblings. For a teenage boy to be thrust into that role and not resent it said a lot about Kane as a person. As a man. He’d grown up early, just like me, only he wore it well. The effect was positive. The jury was still out on me.

Kane was wearing a hooded sweatshirt and Asher was chewing on one of the strings. “You can pull that out of his mouth, you know,” I said wryly as we went up the front walk.

“Huh?” He glanced down and shrugged. “It’s just a sweatshirt and it’s keeping him happy. I’m not going to worry about it.”