Bring Me Back (13 page)

“Ally, do you trust me?”  I ask, leaning against the wall. 

“Of course I do, more than anyone,” she says quietly. 

“Okay, I want to try something tonight.” Walking to her and taking her hands I lead her to the bed.  “Ally, I want to sleep with you tonight.”  I realize how that sounds when I see the shocked look on her face. “Umm, what I mean is really actually
sleep
together.”  I’m a little embarrassed, and even more so when I have a fleeting moment where I actually imagine doing what I said, in the other context.

“Ian, we have slept in the same bed many times, I’m confused.”

Okay, I’m really screwing this up. 
Running my hands through my hair, I groan.  “Ally, I want to sleep now…at night…with
you
in my arms.”  I look up and she is biting her lip, obviously worried.  “Please trust me; I think this may work, especially since you were able to tell me about everything.”

 “Okay Ian, we can try this.”  Surprised that she actually agreed, I smile, “Yeah?”  Smiling, she takes my hand, “Yeah.”

***

I lie down on my back and pull Ally against my side.  With my right arm around her, she nestles her head in the crook of my arm, draping her arm across my chest. 

“Is that what the scar is from?”  I ask, careful to watch her expression.   Tilting her face up to meet mine she answers quietly. “Yes, I had to have a plate put in my skull where the bullet shattered it.  It ricocheted off and exited back here.”  She says lifting her head slightly so she can show me a small scar a few inches behind her longer scar.  “The doctors said it was amazing that it didn’t hit my brain at all.”   I lean down and kiss both of her scars as she sighs and lays her head back.  “How long were you n the hospital?”  “Three weeks, and then I spent several months in a rehab facility—then here.”   

“Well, I’m glad you’re here Ally.”  I whisper.  “Me too Ian. Goodnight.”  “Goodnight Ally.”

Chapter 33

~Ally

I could feel the sun on my face, shining through the window.  Taking a long cleansing breath, I slowly opened my eyes. 
Morning!
I can’t believe I slept through the entire night, without a single nightmare, in fact, I’m not sure I remember dreaming at all.  I feel like I had slept for days.

I was wrapped up in the sheets and comforter, curled up on my side. 
Ian!
   Rolling over, I expected to find him still sleeping, but his spot in the bed was empty. 
Maybe he is in the bathroom
.  Sitting up, I holler, “Ian?” No answer.

I had just begun crawling out of bed when I spotted a folded piece of paper on the pillow next to me, the pillow Ian had slept on.   Crossing my legs underneath me, I unfolded the letter, smiling as I remembered the night before.

Dear Ally,

I have to take care of some things.  I don’t know how long I’ll be gone.  I’m sorry to leave without saying goodbye, but you were sleeping so soundly.  Please call me if you need anything. (970-443-9873) I’m sorry to do this now, but I don’t have a choice.

Thank you for trusting me,

Ian

He left
.  My heart feels like it has been crushed.  I opened myself up to him last night, told him everything, all my darkest secrets and nightmares—things I hadn’t told anyone, and it was too much for him.  Hell, it had been too much for me for over three years, how could I expect anything different?
He left me.
  I can’t even cry anymore after last night, I feel empty.

I don’t want to allow this, but I can feel the walls coming back up.  Looking around my room, I make a decision.  I could waste weeks, days or months trying to figure out how to pick up the pieces again, or I could leave the pieces on the floor—step over them—and move on.  And that’s exactly what I intend to do.

***

I accomplish more today than I have in weeks.  I clean the house from top to bottom, rearrange the living room furniture, and clean off the porch. 

The snow is melting, everywhere but in the shady spots, and it makes me long to be outside.  I decide that is exactly what I need, to get outside and enjoy the fresh air, so after changing into my sweats, I throw on my sneakers and skip down the steps.

Leaning my head back, I take in the full aroma of the surrounding forest.  The sweet smell of the pines and the cool air mixed with the scent of wet ground are like balm to my starved senses.  I set out down the drive a little bit and contemplate on whether I should go my normal route through the trees or try something different.

I decide to head straight down my drive, toward the main road.  Testing out my body I jog a few steps, but it still pulls just slightly, so I decide to take it easy and settle into a brisk walking pace, allowing the crunching gravel to sing to me like music as I walk.

I don’t think I have
ever
walked down this drive, and I can count the times I’ve ridden down it on one hand.  It feels so new, but what’s even better is I don’t feel that nagging feeling I used to get when I strayed too far from my house.  Gone is the rapid heartbeat, the nausea, the sweating and the shaking. Everything feels different today—I feel almost free.

Ian was right.  He thought things would be different with me sleeping after getting everything out.  Last night I had slept better than I had in years, but now
I
felt different too, more in control, and as scary as that was, it also felt amazing!

As I walk I realize just how much Ian has done for me.  He has been there when I needed him—when he didn’t even know me.  I can’t allow myself to be angry with him because he doesn’t feel for me what I feel for him.  My past is more than he bargained for.  I have a
lot
of baggage, too much to ask someone else to take on, especially when they are dealing with their own issues.  Over the past weeks I had allowed myself to rely on someone else for the first time on over three years, and it had felt good.  I loved being in Ian’s arms, feeling him caress my hair, kissing my head, rocking me.  I didn’t think it was possible, but I had fallen in love with him.

He had never mentioned anything about his past, other than he lost someone, but I could tell he was hurting and guarded too.   He must have felt uncomfortable with where things were going, and the position I put him in by sharing my dark secrets.  I can’t blame him for needing to get away, who wouldn’t?  When he comes home, I will be a friend to him, without any expectations.  Just a friend.

Chapter 34

~Ian

I don’t really have a plan; I just know I need to do this.  Last night Ally had finally opened herself up completely to me.  She had trusted me with everything she had carried alone, for so long. 

When she had fallen asleep in my arms, it felt so right.  I wanted to stay there forever, but when I woke up, I felt like there was unfinished business.  I had to get out of there and make things right.  Memories remain the same but people change—sometimes you have to let go of the past so you can embrace the future.

***

The house hasn’t changed a bit.  Standing out front, my heart feels like it is pounding in my ears.  I know I need to do this, but I’m so scared.  I walk up the front steps, knock three times and wait.  I wait for the conversation that will change everything.

“Ian?” I look up and see those familiar eyes—Laney’s eyes.  “Hi Laura.”  I mutter, as I look at Laney’s mom through the screen door.  She opens the door for me, “Please come in.”  “Thank you,” I say as I walk into the house that I spent so much time in—time with Laney as she was dying.

Laura leads me to the living room, and as I sit down, I realize that none of it’s the same.  The hospital bed is gone and so is the flower patterned furniture.  The carpet has been replaced with hardwood floors, and is covered by a lovely oriental rug.  The furniture has been replaced by a sleek sectional sofa.  If I didn’t know any better, I would think I was in a different house.

“Umm, the place looks great Laura.”  I say as she hand me a glass of water and sits down next to me.  “Ian, it is so good to see you.  What brings you back to Colorado Springs?” She asks gently waiting for me to answer.  I run my hands through my hair and look up, “I’ve met someone.” I think I see the corner of Laura’s mouth turn up slightly, “Oh?”  She says casually.  I nod, “I haven’t been able to do much more than exist since Laney died,” Pausing to try to keep it together. “I was so wrapped up in my own grief that I pulled away from everyone.  I couldn’t be around anyone who reminded me of her.”  Laura takes my hand in hers, “We understood that Ian, it was hard on everybody.  Some days it still is.” 

“Laura, when I moved away from here, it was so I could be alone.  I didn’t expect to meet someone.  Ally is my neighbor.”  She nodded, urging me to continue. “Well, Ally is very private, doesn’t have any family anymore, she’s been through something…God Laura, something so horrific.”  I reach and take another drink of water before continuing.  “She showed up on my doorstep so sick that I had to take her to the hospital.  I didn’t think I could do it, go back into a hospital, and I almost made her go alone.  It was selfish, and I realized that, so I stayed with her.”  “Good Ian, that was the right thing to do.”  She said as she continued to listen.

“I stayed with her to help her get better after having her appendix removed, and somewhere along the way, I umm, I fell in love with her.”  I looked at her, waiting for her reaction.  I felt like it was a betrayal to Laney, and I didn’t know what to do.  Laura took a deep breath and smiled gently at me. “Ian, happiness is a choice—it is a choice we make in our hearts.  You can hang on to old hurts and be miserable or you can make a choice to let it go.  Ian, Laney would have wanted this for you.  She would have wanted you to go on, to be happy.”

I started to cry, “I just feel like I’m betraying her, Laura.”  “Oh Ian!  You can’t think that.  You loved Laney, and she loved you too.  You can hold the memories close, but that’s what they are, memories.  People don't come into your life by accident. Everyone that crosses your path serves a purpose.  You learned so much through your journey with Laney. You are the man you are today because of that experience.”

She stood up and pulled me into a hug.  “Ian, you are like family to us.  We love you and want you to be happy.  If this Ally makes you feel that way, then that is exactly where you need to be.”  Hugging her tightly, I feel such a sense of relief.  “Thank you Laura.”  She pulls back smiling, “Of course Ian, now go see your mom.”  She says laughing. 

I stayed the rest of the day and the night in Colorado Springs.  My parents had been so shocked and pleased to see me that they insisted I stay.  After seeing Laura, and clearing the air and my guilt, I wanted so badly to just run home and be with Ally, but I knew I had some things to explain to my parents.  They deserved that.

***

I had been on the road for just over four hours.  I had stopped only once to grab something to eat and use the restroom. and my heart started getting nervous and excited to see Ally.  I wasn’t quite sure where we were going from here, but I knew I was in love with her, and I was going to do whatever I could to show her that.