Bring the Rain (19 page)

My eyes bulge. “Are you kidding?”

He hands me a plate of steak and potatoes, a man’s idea of comfort food. It’s kind of sweet.

“I’ve refused his resignation until I’ve spoken with you.” He taps my leg. “This is serious. I need to know what happened. I can’t let this kid quit when he helps support his family, unless he has a real reason to go.”

I pick at my dinner roll. Part of me wants him to quit and be off Dad’s land, but I can’t let that happen. Not to Grace and little Chase doesn’t deserve that. He still lives in a world of Batman and Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles.

“What happened?” Dad asks.

“He lied.” I muttered, feeling foolish that it’s come to this.

“About?”

I take a deep breath. This conversation is going to suck, but there’s no reason to lie to Dad. There’s nothing left to lose. Our relationship is about as far south as it can go. “He lied about being a virgin.”

Dad’s jaw sticks out and the veins on his neck throb. “Did you sleep with him?”

“No. I did not.” I’m so glad this is true.

“So he just lied to you about being a virgin?” He scratches his head. “There’s got to be more.”

“Let’s just say last night I found out he has an extensive history.”

“Ahh,” he nods. “But he told you he’s a virgin and… I’m sorry, I’m really confused.”

“He told me he wanted to stay a virgin.” My face heats as I watch him absorb the implication of his daughter throwing herself at a guy.

“Oh,” Dad says, patting my leg. “All right,” he stands up. “Enjoy your dinner.”

“Dad,” I put the plate down and follow him into the kitchen. “I’m sorry.”

“No. Don’t apologize. This isn’t your fault. It’s mine.”

“Yours?”

“I never taught you how a relationship should work.” He shakes his head. “Listen, I’ve got some phone calls to make.” I notice him shift away from me. Great. Now I’m even more of a disappointment, but I don’t have to be. I can do the right thing. I stand up, following him to the doorframe.

“Hey, Dad,” I add. “Don’t let Colt quit.”

“No. I won’t. It sounds like he always was a gentleman with you, right?”

“More than that, I promise.”

“I won’t fire a man for that. And,” he sighs. “I can’t blame a guy for having a past, but you do need to talk with him about the lies. Don’t end things like this. It’s not right.”

The few steps back to my mattress are a dooming walk of shame. Dad knows way too much about me now. I smash my face into the pillow. He can probably guess I’m not a virgin too. He may say it’s his fault, but his eyes tell the truth-- he's disappointed. 

I move the steaming plate of food off the mattress and crawl back under the sheet. I can’t eat.

I’ve broken everything.

“
Take it slow
. It’s all new,” Dad reminds me as he unhitches the latch to the horse trailer. Howdy peers out from behind the rope.

“Hey, buddy.” I pat his velvet nose, my fingers avoiding a black burn scar on his cheek. I step into the trailer and he pushes into my stomach, nuzzling me. “I’ve missed you, too, Howdy.”

“Ready?” Dad asks from below.

“Yup.” I take Howdy from the post, urging him down the ramp. He takes a few steps and in the daylight I see more scars on both front shoulders and one large hairless area on his back flank. “Oh buddy, I’m sorry,” I whisper and his ears perk back.

“That’s it, nice and slow. We’ve picked the stall near the back exit.”

I nod, leading Howdy into the pole-barn Dad bought with some of the insurance money. It took a week to order and, with the guys from town, one day to get up. It’s so different from our old barn. There are high ceilings, haylofts, and seven stalls. It’s far from cozy, but Dad smiles every time he steps in there, so I won't complain. It’s the only joy I’ve seen on his face this month.

Howdy clomps next to me, his new horseshoes weighing down his feet.

“You’ll get used to them buddy.” I unlatch him and lead him into the stall. He splashes his nose into the water and takes a drink before sniffing each corner and examining the door.

“I know, big, right?”

I grab my bucket of brushes. Howdy needs my love, or, maybe, I need his. I start with the curry comb, circling it on his neck.

“Thank you for saving me, Howdy.”

Todd and Dad’s voices echo down the concrete walk as they unload the next horse trailer.

I whisper in Howdy’s ear. “Don’t worry babe. I’m not deserting you for them. Dad and Todd can handle your friends themselves. Are you excited to see Shadow again?”

His tail swats at some flies as he paws at the ground.

“Don’t blame Shadow. He’s young and threw me because he was scared. He was trying to survive.”

The metal clang of the horse trailer shutting startles Howdy. He dances sideways.

“Shh, it’s okay.” Poor guy. He never cared about loud noises before. His nares flare, and, when someone shouts, he kicks the back wall. “Whoa.” I place my hand on his shoulder, but I’m careful not to get pinned away from the exit. Just because he loves me doesn’t mean he won’t trample me if he’s totally freaked out. I sing Howdy’s favorite song,
Twinkle Twinkle Little Star.
His breathing steadies as I start the verse again. “That’a boy.”

“I think that’s it,” a husky voice floats through the barn.

My heart stops.

I haven’t seen him since that night four days ago. He’s been avoiding me, or maybe I’ve been avoiding him. Hearing his voice feels like someone knocked the wind out of me. Of course Colt would be here. I’m a fool for thinking I wouldn’t bump into him today. No wonder Dad asked if I was sure I wanted to come.

I duck down in the stall. There's no way I want a confrontation today. Heavy footsteps clomp closer and I hold my breath.
Please, please, don’t let him have heard me sing.
A stall door opens and closes. “Nice and comfy, better than my place, huh Shadow?” Colt says.

Another set of boots step near on the concrete, “Colt, would you mind helping Todd and I sink the t-posts out front?”

“Sure boss. No problem.” He hangs back for a second, shuffling in place.

“Colt?” Dad calls.

“Yup, coming.” His cowboy boots pound back down the concrete walkway and out the front door.

Thank you, Dad
. I suck in a deep breath, hoping the oxygen will calm my nervous heart. The pull barn door squeaks as someone pulls it shut.

I stand up, brushing hay off my knees. Okay. So what? Colt is outside. Big whoop. If I bump into him, I know exactly what to say. I’ve rehearsed it a thousand times. I’ll smile, telling him I’m fine. It’s not a big deal. I’ve already considered everything broken off. I don’t trust liars. And then I’ll shrug and walk away. Easy, right?

With quick strokes, I brush the other side of Howdy down. Howdy’s mane is tangle free so I check the hoofs, also picked clean. Well, it's good the University cared for him. Carefully, I lower his hoof then put everything back in the tack bucket. His breathing deepens and his horse snore startles me a bit.

Poor guy. He must be exhausted. I quietly lift the latch and slip out. He needs to sleep. Plus, there’s no excuse for me to hide here any longer.

I eye the back exit. It’s like it was designed to help me avoid Colt. If Colt’s not already gone, there’s no way he’ll see me if he’s working on the corral out front while I skip out the back and across the meadow. I’ll walk back to Dad’s truck, turn on the air conditioning and take a nap, or hide and spy on him if he’s near. Whatever.

The door opens easily. Since the fire, I appreciate any easy opening door or window. Life can simply come down to that. I step out of the barn and squint, the sun blazing in my face, scorching so hot I feel like it’s laughing at me. Here’s hoping Dad left the keys in the car.

“Autumn?”

I jump. My sight adjusts to the brightness, only to discover Colt leaning against the side of the barn. My heart throttles into overdrive. I want to dash away with it, but my legs won’t budge.

“I’ve been waiting for you,” he says. “Your Dad thinks I’m driving to the store.”

“Well,” I swallow the lump that had taken over my mouth. “You should probably get going then.”

“The store can wait. We need to talk.”

“I’m sorry. Now you want to talk? No. It doesn’t work like that. Last time I needed to talk, you stormed off and
deserted
me at a random party, at a house I didn’t know, with people I don’t know.” I take a step away from him. What was my opening line supposed to be again?

He reaches out and grabs my hand, pulling me back. “That wasn’t talking. That was fighting.”

“Well, at least I tried to communicate. You left me.” I pull my hand away. “Alone,” I have to add.

He drops his head and shakes it before glancing back up at me. My eyes dart away. His hand finds mine.

“Look at me. I can’t do this if you aren’t looking at me.”

This is it. He’s going to break up with me… but not if I do it first. I rush to get the words out before he can. “Listen, it’s fine. I’m fine. You’re fine. It’s over, I get it. Okay?” I say.

“No,” he pulls me close. “No,” he says with a firm determination in his voice. “Let’s talk. I’m sorry for leaving you. It was wrong, and I was shocked.”

“You were shocked? You’ve got to be kidding me. How do you think I felt? Seven girls?”

Colt won’t meet my eyes. Coward.

“We’re done, Colt. It’s not worth it.”

“Are we that easy to throw away? I’m sorry. Relationships don’t work that way.”

“Well then how does it work?” We’re up in each other’s face now. “You could have said you weren’t interested in me! Obviously, sex isn’t an issue for you. Why play such a stupid game?”

“Me? Play a game? Oh no. You’re the one who kept straddling me, trying to push me farther and farther to see how crazy you could make me. You play people like pawns.”

“What’s that supposed to mean?”

“You know what it means.”

“No. I don’t. Enlighten me.”

“You are happy and satisfied being with me… until you get bored. Then it’s all ‘how far can I push Colt?’”

I shrug, “It was something to do.” My heart tears apart. That’s not really how I feel, is it?

“And then there’s Chris. He’s trying so hard for you. Do you think it’s faster for him to rebuild his house with your help? Do you think it’s easy for him to know that everything’s on the line? Every word he says or doesn’t say is being evaluated?”

“Don’t bring my dad into this.” He’s totally crossed the line. “It’s none of your business.”

“Come on, Autumn.” He steps close. “You haven’t even considered staying, have you?”

“It’s France, Colt. France! It’s everything compared to this dusty, sweaty place."

We’re so near now I can feel the heat from his breath on my face. It smells like fresh mint. Something stirs and my head swirls. I’m crazy, craving a kiss. He takes a few deep breaths and I think he may kiss me.

What are we doing?

Then he drops my wrist and takes a step away.

“You owe Chris more than that,” he says, before turning away.

“I don’t owe anyone anything.”

He turns around, “Not true. You’re playing a game with everyone. You shift us around, making sure you’re the one in control. And the worst victim?”

“Don’t you dare tell me it’s my father.”

“No, it’s yourself, but you already know how you’re playing that out.” He cocks his head and bows his cowboy hat before turning the corner around the barn.

I crouch down and scream into my palms.

He’s so wrong. He lied to me. Dad neglected me for seven years. How am I supposed to handle either of them? Just open myself up and trust them?

No. I slipped up after the fire, but my head’s back on straight now. If I keep living open, I’m going to get hurt. It’s safer to let Dad try so he knows he did his best before I say goodbye. It’d be rude of me to tell him I always knew I planned to go to Paris.

And Colt? How can I ever trust him? He’s totally backwards. What guy lies about being a virgin? It’s usually the other way around. Just seeing him makes every cell in my body want to burst.

“Autumn?” Dad calls from inside the barn. “You there?”

I take a deep breath, harnessing the adrenaline from the fight to block my tears. I pull open the back exit. “Yeah. I’m here.”

“Up for some home-cooked enchiladas tonight? Just like Mazillo’s?”

“Sure, that sounds great, Dad.”

“Or I could make a bruschetta chicken?”

“That’d be fine too.”

“Whatever you want, okay?”

I smile at him. “How about the enchiladas? I could use a taste of home.”

Dad’s face falls and guilt burns my chest. The words slipped out before I thought what they’d mean to him. What they mean to me. Home is in New York City.

“Absolutely. Let’s get back to Todd’s. I think we’ll call it a day.” He walks next to me out of the barn. “Did you see Colt?”

“Nope.” I lie.

“Good, I don’t want him around you until you’re ready.”

“How is he?” I dig.

He shrugs. “He’s Colt.”

***

“Autumn,” Dad says as he takes my plate after I pick at the remaining few crumbles of corn tortilla. “I was wondering if we could talk?”

Oh no way. I know what’s coming. He wants to talk about my relationships and sex. I crumple up my napkin. I’ve already survived the sex talk, I don’t need to go through that again. Mom bluntly sat me down and reviewed safe sex and birth control. I know what I need to know.

My panic must be obvious because he sighs. He places the dishes in the sink, then turns to me. “I know you don’t want to talk about me and your Mom, but we need to.” He turns on the water, washing down my plate.

My gut tightens. I don’t say anything. What’s worse, talking about him cheating or having a sex talk? There’s got to be an option C, like sports.

“I’m sorry I cheated on your mother. I need you to understand how much I feel it. My mistake will always be my biggest failure—as a husband, as a father. Hell, as a man.”

I nod. I don’t know what to say. I’ll never be okay with what he did.

“But I also want you to know, that the same morning that I told her, she handed me pre-drafted divorce papers from her lawyer she already found in New York.”

I open my mouth to speak yet there or no words to describe the world crumbling around me. There’s a snowflake-like crack in the kitchen linoleum. It’s like my foundation shattered again. Mom was already planning to leave.

“But...” I say.

“It doesn’t make my actions right. I wish I could take my decision back. If your mother would have given me those papers a day earlier, when I was faithful, I would have fought for her, for you. But I couldn’t. She deserves better.” He shakes his head. “You deserved better than me too.”