Broken (23 page)

“That's cool, if they want to come,” Frenchy texted.

Two days later, I was in a mad frenzy to get ready for our anniversary. Merek's band and his video phone were key. The gift was key. I was sort of torn. What could I get for his band? And if I did get him a gift for the band, would he ask me to go to more practices? I quickly scratched that off my list. Sierra had suggested I get him a watch. It's like a grandpa gift. Frenchy suggested lingerie. That's like a husband and wife. Weird. I asked
Edna. She said he probably wouldn't care because I was the most important thing to him. That conversation only freaked me out more.

I couldn't say I hadn't thought of Noel. It was sort of haunting, in a way. The good news was that almost two full days had gone by without me thinking of him. I was trying to be more into Merek now. After all, he was “falling for me.” Even Noel hadn't said that to me before.

I brought Merek the sleekest, video smartphone at the carrier store. It had live video chatting, which Cece called Face Time. I upgraded my phone too. If he was going to send video journals, I needed them to be captioned. It was quicker. And I could stop pretending I knew what he was talking about when he asked me about what he said in his video journal. They were really hard to follow.

After I bought the phone, I went to get the dress. It would be my first anniversary dinner. I had to do it in style. I found a snug black, strapless dress. My shoes were the real prize. Three-inch stilettos with golden heels, golden straps across the ankles, a black sole, and a pink bottom.

I sat on the outfit for another two days. I told no one about it. It was only for Merek's eyes. I crossed my fingers, hoping for no more hotel rooms.

On the day of our anniversary, Merek picked me up in a Rolls-Royce limo. He was dressed in a black-on-black tuxedo with a black shirt and no tie. He was classic all around. We had a delicious dinner at a sweet French restaurant in the Theater District. Then we drove all the way uptown, somewhere on Riverside Drive, and parked with a view of the Hudson. We climbed through the moon roof and sat on the roof of the limo with our legs dangling in the interior. I'd never done that before. We held hands and cuddled for what seemed like the entire night. Then he dropped me off at home. I wore the ring he gave me and nothing else. It was the only appropriate jewelry.

When he had dropped me at the apartment, I asked him to come in. I asked him to stay with me and send the limo home. We went back to my room. I sat at the window seat. He followed me.

“Your anniversary gift arrives tomorrow,” he said.

“This is my gift. Come.” I put his arm around my waist. I curled up on the window seat. He curled up and held me. We fell asleep watching the people on Park Avenue go by.

New York in the dead of winter was peculiar. I felt like I desperately needed the sunny skies again. I somewhat disdained the clouds, though I couldn't say I'd never felt like that, cloudy and sad. There was a little ounce of hope you picked up in the crisp air when walking the winter streets. The sun was playing hide-and-seek today. Odd. Noel and I used to play hide and seek in the building on the lower floors in the weeks before he left.
Either way, the playfulness of sun wouldn't wash away the frost of the 20 degree temperatures.

It was holiday break and it seemed like everyone in the world was away. Daddy hadn't been home in almost three weeks. Not that it would make a difference if he were. I had spent the week of Christmas and the week of New Year's with my grandparents. On the Avenue, it was all quiet at the apartment. Edna and I managed to watch two movies. I found myself savagely gobbling up the best handbags from the best SoHo shops. Girls with too much free time could be dangerous. I hadn't gotten a text from Sierra all day. I was starting to really miss her and Frenchy. Merek sent me video journals daily. I was becoming one with him and his hotel suite and his brother, who sometimes added his two cents in on video.

“Milan, would you want to come over for dinner and spend a night?” Nana texted me.

“Yay! I will stop home first,” I texted.

“Home on Sunday, princess. So glaaaaad! Superhero is on his way. Save me wet kisses,” Merek texted.

“Good, we'll meet and have dinner,” I texted. I got in the car and rode uptown. Home was where my heart was. I shook my head. My home was empty.

When I opened the front door, Edna was the first thing I saw. She'd taken a seat next to the welcome table.

“Hi, Edna.” I gave a kiss on the cheek.

“Milan,” she sat there with her mouth open as she searched for words.

“What happened?” I asked. “Noel is home. He come today. He went straight in the back to his room. He come out for a drink of water. I ask him if he wanted something … um, he say no. I tell him your father is away on holiday with his fiancée. He hugged me. He said thank you. Then he go back to his room.”

It seemed like the walls started to move around me. I walked away slowly. Almost at my room, I checked my watch: 5:29 p.m. I went to my bathroom. I looked at myself in the mirror. I looked myself in the eyes. This was real. It was like a fire drill. You kept preparing for it, but if there was a fire you didn't know what to do.

I climbed into the bathtub. I covered my face with all of my hair. I was channeling Cousin It with the hopes of finding an answer. Shouldn't I go to his bedroom door and knock? No! Why hadn't he come knocking for me? I wouldn't even know if he had. I was breathing so heavy you'd think I'd just run a marathon, it dawned on me. I got out the tub.

I packed my things, pretending I wasn't crying. I had waited for him. But this was not how it was supposed to be. I looked at my watch: 6:05. More than 30 minutes had gone by and not a word. Why hadn't he come? Hadn't he thought of me when he came home? Fury began to rise in my heart. I returned to the mirror briefly only to fix my face.

I grabbed my stuffed satchel. I flung open the bedroom door and made sure to set the doorknob to lock. I was close to the main hallway leading to the foyer. Nope! I passed it by. I found myself on Dimitri's side of the apartment. I stopped and closed my eyes. I wasn't going to think. I was going to do. I knocked. After a second, I opened the door.

My heart started to thump in my chest, fury and all. He was quite handsome. The blood pressure in my body was rising. He had a short haircut and a thin mustache. He didn't have that the last time I saw him. He had broad shoulders yet he was slim. He was much taller than I remembered. And he was well dressed. Something out of an AE catalog. His eyes were those of a deer caught in headlights.

“Hi,” I said.

“Hi.” His lips moved faintly. I stood there, studying him. And he, to my surprise, I thought, he was studying me. “You?” he said.

“I'm leaving, but I'll be back,” I said. I closed the door behind me. In my mind I had my hands all over him. I had never experienced this before. With Merek, my feelings were patient and quiet. I liked him. But I had never felt like I had to have him. All I could think about was wrapping my arms around Noel's neck, then down to his chest. I had to take a deep breath. I brushed my hair back with my hand, hoping to brush these thoughts away. The taste of his kiss. It ran through my mind every 60 seconds. If it wasn't for the weird taste you get in your mouth when you wake up, I would've never washed my mouth again. I was being silly. How could I not wash my mouth for a total of two years? His kiss was sweeter than any candy from any shop on Fifth.

I was secretly hoping he was behind me. I was all the way at the front door before I turned around. He wasn't there. I held my stomach. This was so wrong. It was gone and there was nothing I could do. Nothing.

I put on my jacket. I sat down on the chair by the welcome table and put on my rain boots I had left at the door. It wasn't raining, but who cared? The butterflies in my
stomach were going crazy. I stopped in the midst of zipping my boot. I completely lost my thought when I saw him standing there.

“I am … going out too. I'll walk you down,” he signed and said.

“In the elevator?” I asked.

“Yeah,” he signed and said. He walked up to me. We were no more than four inches apart. I stood up one boot half-zipped. “Milan …”

Yes, I love you too.

“I don't have keys. Are there a pair of guest keys?” he signed and said.

“Oh … in the cupboard in the kitchen. Top drawer when you first walk in on your right,” I signed and said.

“I'll be right back. Don't go anywhere,” he signed and said.

“I would never,” I signed and said. He did a double take. When he looked back at me, he squinted his eyes. Then he turned his head sideways.

Why hadn't I told him that I loved him? I dug my fingers so tight into the leather of my satchel that my fingers started to burn. It was going to take all the courage I could muster to keep from hugging him or kissing him even if it was just on his cute cheek. The black leather biker jacket he put on was driving me crazy!

He stood so close to me when we walked out the door together, I could smell him. He smelled the same. Love. That was it. I could never be with another. I had to make him mine. He leaned over me to press the button for the elevator. I turned around and leaned into him. Our lips almost kissed. It was then I remembered what Mama said.
He would be back again
. Had he come back for me?

“The elevator,” he signed and said. I stood there with my back to the elevator waiting for him to do something. I studied every eyelash, every crease on his face. The memory of him. It was still cruel.

“I—” I said.

“It's closing,” he signed and said. He reached past me, brushing my arm to stop the elevator doors from closing. I stepped inside. He stepped in right next to me.

Somewhere around the 10th floor, I got the bright idea to touch his hand. He pulled it back. I looked at him. His eyebrows were angry. The elevator passed 2. I gasped for air. It was all I could do to keep from crying. The elevator doors opened. I bolted out. He grabbed my hand.

“Milan, it's—” he said.

“No,” I said. I broke my arm free. I gathered my composure and smiled at the front desk man. He was new.

I turned away from him and zipped up my coat. I sat down in the lobby and zipped my boot. Then I checked my pockets for keys. The house keys and my room keys. I didn't want to leave. But I didn't know what would happen if I stayed. I got into the car. I watched him walk out of the building. The car started to move. I watched him through the tinted windows as he walked down the street. “I love you,” I kept saying in my mind. Now it would never come out. The fury was back. The rhetorical questions made the rounds in my mind. Why hadn't he come for me? Why hadn't he held my hand? Why didn't he say “I love you”?

It was odd how all the classrooms on the third floor had changed. Seniors now had lockers on the third floor. The classrooms were now high-tech versions of a formal dining room. Every classroom I'd been in featured a long rectangular red wooden table with three or four flower arrangements on top. Each chair cushion was etched with the school emblem. The place settings were a powder blue complete with a school pencil case and an iPad. All materials for class had been preloaded onto the iPad.

Then, underneath the iPad was a set of instructions on how to join the Mac universe. The semester theme was innovation: adapt or die. Our entire semester's textbooks existed on one page full of scannable barcodes that would allow the iPads to download the books.

I'd never felt so behind on a first day of school before. Why didn't they send us an email with pre-work?

I had AP Bio with Cara. She sat at the head of the table right next to me. Something about her was a little off today. I wondered if it was the pink patent-leather Mary Janes and the white socks. Knee-high socks in the dead of winter? Strange. Plus, she was extra friendly. She was bordering on bubbly, in fact! I found myself talking to her nonstop. Until she announced she was moving in.

“Where?” I asked.

“With Dimitri,” she said. My eyes widened. I could feel myself freezing. There was a part of my brain still active. It was screaming: act cool. Act cool, Milan! I couldn't. This was a bad time. I had still chickened out of breaking up with Merek. I was avoiding him and my feelings. All in stupid hopes that Noel would one day knock on my door. Literally! Cara, there was no time for her. When my mind remembered Daddy, my shoulders dropped. I just brushed my hair back. He was a wild card in all this. I didn't know what his problem was. Now that he was engaged, maybe he would leave me and Noel alone.

“Good news!” I said.

“Very! There may be a ring in the mix. At least five carats.” Just as long as it's not Mama's. Suddenly I felt very ill.

It was all so overwhelming. There was something about Cara that sometimes made me feel weird.

“Bathroom,” I typed on the classroom message board. And, like that, I walked out. It was only seconds later I was thrust into another predicament.

“Milan.”

“Merek!” We were face to face. Help!

“I have called you and texted you a hundred times,” he said.

“Why aren't you in class?” I asked.

“I couldn't sit there any longer. I needed to see you.”

“How long have you been here?” The way he shrugged, I could tell he didn't want to answer.

“Give or take 15 minutes.” He hugged me. And I let myself be hugged. I had no plan. “Why haven't you called me back?” he asked. It was difficult looking at him when he was angry. In my mind, I replayed the day we met at the Saloon in SH. I did love his smile, even though he wasn't smiling at me anymore.

“Merek, I think we need a break,” I said.

“No … oh, no.” He rubbed his face. “Why did you say this?” he asked. “What happened?” he asked. I could tell him absolutely nothing.