Broken (48 page)

‘And Lord forbid if anything happened to you.' Hilda crossed herself. ‘Then where would they be?'

‘She'd have to do it as soon as possible.' Hannah ran her fingers through her hair while she thought. ‘Those two kids shouldn't go back to him after this. It's too risky'

Mattie stood up and went over to the sink, putting some distance between herself and this outrageous suggestion, which Hilda and Hannah seemed to be taking so seriously. She stared out of the window as the discussion continued behind her and tried to imagine starting all over again somewhere new – and couldn't. The very blankness of the future was frightening. Then she tried to imagine continuing on as she was, and knew that was not an option. Last of all she tried to picture herself back in the house with Jake, watching him and knowing how he'd forced her to return. The lengths to which he'd gone, regardless of their effect on her or the children. And she paled. But surely the counselling would help there. Surely.

Mattie licked her lips nervously, and turned on the tap to wash her hands. She kept the still-damp bandage away from the water and let the water trickle between her fingers. Then she allowed her thoughts to drift towards Hilda's bizarre suggestion. The thought of leaving, with two children and a couple of suitcases, and simply fleeing to another part of the country. There to re-establish themselves with next to nothing. Except an ongoing fear that every corner they turned, every door they opened, might have
him
standing on the other side. Mattie shook her head. Far better to live with him and know where he was. She turned off the tap and then leant against the sink, watching the other two as they continued their conversation with growing enthusiasm.

‘And the lease doesn't really present a problem.' Hannah undid her plait and ran her fingers through her hair, fluffing it out. ‘Because
Charlotte broke a lease last year when she changed universities. All she had to do was advertise it, and then pay the rent until someone new came in. We can do the same here, so we might end up out of pocket a month or two of rent, but that's a small price to pay.'

‘So she takes only those things she cannot do without,' said Hilda, draining her coffee. ‘Photographs, documents, things like that. Leave behind things she can replace.'

‘And I'll just call in a second-hand dealer and flog him the lot,' put in Hannah, flicking her hair over her shoulder and leaving it out. ‘Then send her the money.'

‘Ah, yes. Money,' said Mattie sarcastically. ‘Perhaps that might be a problem?'

‘I'll lend it to you,' said Hannah promptly, ‘And don't say no. You can't afford to. But don't forget you'll be selling your car for cash, that'll bring in some. See, here's the way I think it should work. I've got a set of suitcases at home, we'll use them. Because we can't afford to have them here in case Jake comes around and guesses what we're up to. So we move what you want from here by plastic bags and pack the cases at my house. But don't take anything that'll indicate what's going on – like photos from the walls and that. Don't forget he's got keys now so he'll probably let himself in at some stage. You need to stay at my house until you go. Keep
both
kids out of school just in case. Now, today you sort out what you want from here, and I'm taking you to the doctor's. You need stitches, and I think that eye needs attention. Plus, it gives medical support to what we're doing just in case we ever need it. Then tomorrow we sell the car and tie up loose ends. And tomorrow night you're off.'

‘Tomorrow night!'

‘Yes, you can't afford to wait any longer. That'll give you a two-day head start before Thursday. Besides, if you wait any longer, you run the risk of Jake pulling another stunt and us having to call it off. Like he refuses to bring the kids back until the hearing or something.'

‘Hannah is right, Mattie,' agreed Hilda, nodding.

‘And obviously you need to give a false name,' continued Hannah, frowning with concentration. ‘Which should be okay because you'll only be going interstate. And don't go direct to wherever it is that we
decide is the best. Instead, use a plane or bus or whatever first, to say Sydney, then use a different mode of transport to somewhere else. Zigzag across country for a day or so. In fact, I'd zigzag until Thursday if I was you.'

Mattie shook her head in amazement. ‘This is a joke.'

‘And she needs to finish up in a capital city,' added Hilda, ignoring Mattie's interjection. ‘That way she will not miss the car for a while. And it will be easier to just blend in.'

‘That's right,' said Mattie sarcastically ‘I'll simply turn up in Sydney, or Perth or wherever, with a couple of suitcases and two children and then settle in under some lamp-post, shall I?'

‘Don't be ridiculous,' Hannah waved a hand at her sister dismissively. ‘You'll get emergency accommodation to start with. In fact, as soon as we decide where you'll end up, I'll start making some enquiries and I'll get you an address, or a phone number.'

‘Which is another reason to end up in a capital city.' Hilda nodded. ‘It will be easier to get emergency accommodation. And there is sure to be a domestic violence centre.'

Mattie recoiled. ‘Domestic violence!'

‘That is what it is, you know,' said Hannah softly. ‘Domestic violence.'

Mattie didn't want to think about it. Even the words left a bitter taste in her mouth. She stared at Hilda and Hannah, becoming increasingly frustrated by their inability to see how ridiculous they were being.

‘Do the children have passports?' asked Hilda suddenly.

‘Why? You want me to go overseas now?'

‘No, of course not.' Hilda smiled. ‘But we could make him
think
you have, yes?'

‘Sorry to be a killjoy, but they're at the house.'

‘Can we break in?' asked Hannah, looking fierce.

‘You're mad,' said Mattie, with a flat laugh.

Hannah looked disappointed. ‘Oh well, we'll have to do without. Never mind. But if we do this right, Jake won't know you've gone till Thursday, when he tries to collect the children after school. And then he won't believe you've done a runner for a while.'

‘He certainly won't,' agreed Mattie. For a moment, she embraced the
image of Jake standing at the school, watching all the other children file out and slowly realising that his own weren't among them. And then having to search for them, growing increasingly angry, and frustrated, and powerless. Just as she had last week. Mattie shook the image away and looked at her sister questioningly. ‘You realise that this great plan of yours means I'd never see you again? Or Mum?'

‘I have no doubt that if Mum knew, she'd approve. She might be old-fashioned, but she'd be appalled to think of what you've been through. Absolutely appalled. As for me, well . . .' Hannah stared at Mattie in silence for a moment before continuing. ‘I'll really miss you, but at least I'll know you're safe.'

‘And it will not be forever.' Hilda shook her head dismissively. ‘Things change. The children will get older, become less vulnerable. And Jake might find someone else.' Hilda narrowed her black-button eyes. ‘Or die.'

‘Remind me never to cross you,' Mattie grinned, warmed by the camaraderie despite the subject matter.

‘We need to make some lists,' said Hilda efficiently, getting up and reaching for Mattie's notepad off the top of the fridge. It was the same one that she had used to make her ‘to do' list. A lifetime ago.

‘Yes.' Hannah nodded approvingly ‘We need to be practical. Think of every contingency.'

Mattie leant back and stared at them both in wonder. One was a sister who'd never been terribly close until recently, and the other was a woman she hadn't even known for that long. Both were willing to go to extraordinary lengths to help her, even putting themselves in danger. She felt her eyes mist and blinked to clear them. Enough was enough.

‘I really,
really
appreciate all this.' Mattie gave them a wide, heartfelt smile, which made the bruise on her right side pucker around the edges. ‘But I'm not doing it, you know.'

‘You have no choice,' said Hilda. ‘Not really.'

‘Yes, I do. And with counselling, it'll work out. I know it.'

‘You really think he will go through with that?' asked Hilda, raising an eyebrow. ‘The counselling? That he is not just saying it for you to return?'

Mattie looked from Hilda to Hannah earnestly. ‘I honestly don't know how I can convince you both that I know what I'm doing here. So I'm going to have to ask you to give me the benefit of the doubt and just trust me. Okay?' She stood up. ‘And now, if you'll excuse me, I'm going to go and check on the kids.'

‘Good idea.' Hannah stood up and put the kettle on again. ‘While you're gone, we'll start writing everything down. Go over the plan. Finetune it, see if there's any more snags. And I'll make more tea and coffee, we're going to need it.'

Mattie shrugged. As she was leaving the room, she glanced at the fridge and the lone motivational saying caught her eye:
The obstacles of your past can become the gateways that lead to new beginnings
. She thought about reading that aloud, to illustrate to Hilda and Hannah that negatives
can
become the foundation of a new life, but she didn't. Only because she suspected they could just as easily use it to support their own suggestion.

Mattie left the room, with the other two already deep in discussion again, and almost skipped the three short steps to the children's door. She opened it and looked inside.

‘Hey, Mum,' said Courtney immediately. She was sitting on the floor with the entire contents of her cardboard toy-box spread out around her. ‘I'm seeing what I want to give to the poor people. Most of these I don't play with anymore.'

‘Well, we'll discuss that later.' Mattie smiled at her. ‘Where's Max?'

‘Up on his bed.' Courtney pointed.

Mattie could now see the hump of his body underneath the covers. He had his back to her and was facing the wall.

‘He's not talking to you,' added Courtney helpfully.

‘I can see that.' Mattie climbed up the ladder and sat on Max's bed, next to him. Then she bent over and whispered to him. ‘I'm sorry, Maxie. Do you want to talk about it?'

‘No.'

‘But I need to explain it to you.'

Max shuffled his body around and looked at her with a tear-stained face. ‘I hate you.'

‘No, you don't.' Mattie touched one damp cheek. ‘But you do need to trust me.'

‘That's what
Dad
says!' Max glared at her and then turned, burying himself back underneath the bedclothes.

‘He does too,' said Courtney conversationally. ‘All the time.'

‘You know I wouldn't do anything to hurt you.' Mattie stared at the humped bedclothes but when Max didn't answer, she sighed sadly and bent forward to drop a light kiss on the covers. Then she clambered back down the ladder. She kissed Courtney's head too as she was leaving and closed the door again, so they wouldn't be able to hear the conversation out in the kitchen. Then she went to the bathroom to wash her face. The cold water felt refreshing on her warm, flushed skin and even the bruised section felt better for it.

After she'd finished, Mattie found a fresh bandage in the vanity and rewrapped her hand awkwardly. She threw the wet bandage into the sink and then stood back and stared at herself. Was their proposal
really
so ludicrous? Could such a huge step be even remotely feasible? Domestic violence. She rolled the words off her tongue and let them hang before her, a separate entity to be either seized or dismissed. Then she held out her good hand and watched it tremble. How long would it take before all that stopped? Or would she still be looking over her shoulder for the rest of her life, wherever she was?

For a moment she lowered her defences and allowed herself to imagine arriving in a strange city with Max and Courtney. With few belongings, borrowed money and no idea where to go or what to do when she got there. It would probably be night, and she would emerge from the airport, or railway station, or bus terminal, and stare into the darkness as her children clutched a hand each and waited for her to provide some answers. Which she wouldn't have.

The idea was so petrifying that Mattie watched herself visibly pale in the mirror. And was reminded suddenly of how she'd looked when she stared at herself after the sex on Thursday night. Her body a core of contradictions, with disgust at her own frailties warring with an impotence that was more painful than any physical maltreatment. She let each of the options filter through her mind once more as if they
were
options, and she had not already decided. One by one they embodied themselves and proffered their ramifications, without bias, and she allowed them to play themselves out without flinching.

When they were done, Mattie took a deep breath. She still didn't have the answers but she did know that whatever she did, her life would be bracketed by guilt. Guilt about things she had control over and things she didn't. Guilt that she'd gotten into this mess, and guilt from trying to extricate herself. Guilt because of the possible repercussions on the children of any decisions she made. And huge, gut-wrenching guilt that she was even entertaining the idea of taking his children away, and robbing him of the chance to change. To make things right.

But she'd lived with guilt for a long time now, and was used to it. Her choices needed to be made only with what she opted to construct within those boundaries. A finite balance of regret and resolve. Because the bottom line was that whatever she did she would be hurting someone, and it was simply a case of minimising the number who were harmed and maximising the number whose lives would be improved. As this rumination crystallised, Mattie's mouth dropped open and she stared at herself wide-eyed in the mirror. Because that was it.
Exactly
it. And, what's more, it suddenly and irrevocably made her choices crystal clear.