Broken Bonds (Club Imperial Series) (17 page)

“I do,” he said, his voice rumbling in his chest.

“It worked. I miscarried. It was bad, though, and I was laid up for a while.

“When Charlie saw how I was changing, becoming more myself, he told me to stay,” Emmy continued. “He didn’t know it was Franz and Siobhan who were doing the most good. It took Franz nearly eight months to convince me sex was not like that. It took Siobhan the same amount of time. I slept with Franz for the first time eight months to the day after my step-father had burned me. It was a final fuck you to him. Or so I thought.”

The lingering taste of vomit made her nauseous again. She didn’t want to move, though; she was so afraid of letting Nathaniel go. If he got up to do something, he might never come back. And that’s what was going to happen, but she wasn’t ready for that yet. Not yet.

“Mueller has helped you through all of this?” he asked quietly.

“Yes, once we found him,” she said. “He’s done more for me than I could ever have thought a shrink could.” He smoothed her hair gently and let the silence go for a moment.

“Can I get you some mouthwash?”

She looked up at him. “What?”

“You threw up,” he said. “You probably want to rinse.”

“I don’t want to let you go.”

“I’m not going anywhere,” he whispered into her hair. “I’m going to stay right here until you’re ready to move. I just don’t want you to have taste that.”

She looked at him with a weak smile. “So romantic.” She leaned up. “Yes. I would like to rinse my mouth out.”

Nathaniel helped her sit on the toilet lid while he got the glass from the counter and filled it with water and mouthwash. He handed it to her and as she took it, he turned and spun the handles on the faucet for the massive bathtub. Emmy swished, and spit, then swished again. When she finally didn’t taste the vomit anymore she looked over at him. “What are you doing?”

“We’re taking a bath,” he stated. “You need it. Hell, I need it.”

“I took a shower today…” Her words wandered off in confusion.

He turned and looked at her. “This is not about cleaning. This is about trying to regain our balance. Your world has been tipped and mine just went for a ride on the Great Space Coaster. I want to sit in a tub of water and bubbles, and hold you against me while we both try to find our centers again.”

Emmy felt the panic rising. “No, no...” She pulled the robe tight.

He turned and kneeled in front of her again. “Do you hate yourself that much? Do you hate the way you look so much you won’t even let me help you?”

Emmy blinked and the tears spilled out of her eyes. “Yes. They are hideous. They remind me of everything that went on. I was hooked on Klonopin for years—
years
—trying to deal with this. It was only when Siobhan suggested leaving the bras on that I started to right myself. I hate them. I would cut them off if I could.”

“God, no,” he breathed. “I love your breasts.”

“They’re horrible,” she said, tears still rolling down her cheeks.

“They’re yours. They are a part of you, and I love all of you.”

“I don’t want you to see them,” she said. “Not again.”

He took each of her hands and held them in his. “I don’t care what they look like; you do. What if we could fix them?”

“Nathaniel, I talked to a plastic surgeon, a long time ago. It can be done, but I don’t have that kind of money.”

“I do. But, Emmy, I don’t want you to think about this at all if you think you’re doing it for me. This is only for you. You are in pain and I don’t want to see that. I will abide by your decision, and you need to make that for you.”

“It’s too much,” she said. It really was. To pay for a whole operation? Just because she had something she couldn’t look at. Just take another Xanax and keep the bra on. Not many people saw her naked anyway.

But then, there was Nathaniel. Sitting there in front of her, holding her hands, running a bath for her, for them, so she could relax. He had nearly capped Sean’s ass less than hour ago. He had sat through the disgusting reality of her life—
I don’t even remember losing my virginity
—and had held her hair back as she threw up. He’d rubbed her back. He’d saved her life.

He could see she was thinking. “You don’t have to decide right now, Emmy. Please. Just take a bath with me.” She nodded, and he smiled carefully. “You’re so brave, Emmy. I knew you were strong, but you’re brave too.”

“I’m a mess,” she said. “A walking train wreck.”

“Take a bath with me, Fubar. Please.” He stood up and offered his hand. “I’ve got bubbles.”

She couldn’t help laughing. “Well, I’m sold, Mr. Walsh.” She took his hand and stood up.

He pulled her into him. “I love your laugh.”

“I love that you held my hair back while I puked,” she said.

“I love the way you feel against me.”

“I love the way you hold my hand.”

He leaned down and kissed her. She wasn’t really expecting it, but he was very serious about it. His lips moved softly against hers, and his tongue was gentle and sweet. They kissed for a while as the tub filled, and she finally pulled back. “I was promised bubbles.”

“Oh, yes, you were.” He smiled, and ducked under the sink.

He pulled out the bottle and Emmy giggled. “Mr. Bubbles. I didn’t even know they made that anymore.” 

“There is no better bubble bath than the pure chemical soup that is Mr. Bubbles.” After putting a more than generous squirt in the running water, he perched the bottle on the counter and looked at her. “Well, Miss Westerly. Will you let me undress you?”

Her mind recoiled in horror at the request, but she forced herself to be calm. “Only if I can undress you too,” she managed.

“Any place, any time.”

“Oh, no, no, I don’t want anyone to know you’re hiding in those clothes.”

He smiled, dug out his phone, placing it on the edge of the tub and put his hands on her waist. “I’m going to talk you through this, okay? I know I was harsh before, but believe me, I was really ready to kill your step-father. I needed to see what had happened.”

“I should have shown you,” she agreed.

“Moot.” He waved his hand, dismissing the issue. “I’m going to start with your pants, okay?”

She nodded, nervous. He slid his hand to the front and he pushed the robe apart and unfastened her pants. They slid slowly down her legs and she knew he could feel her shaking as he held her hands, helping her step out of them. He folded them to put them on the counter carefully and gave her an encouraging smile. “Your turn.” 

She lifted her hands to his tie and pulled it off, carefully draping it on the sink. Turning back, she slowly unbuttoned his shirt. Her hands were trembling badly, but she was glad he didn’t try to help her. This was about healing, and if she shook, then so be it. Emmy unclasped his cuffs, and gently slid the whole thing off his shoulders. She reached up and hung the shirt on a hook behind him and turned her attention back to him, running her hands down his chest and letting them rest on his waist.

“My turn,” he said, running his hands up her legs. “Just the panties. Slowly.” The tiny bit of cloth slipped off and down to the floor with a flutter of his hand over her stomach and hips. He managed it perfectly, making her feel sexy without lighting her up. “Go ahead. You’re next.”

Her hands found his belt and pants and pulled the zipper down. Running her hands between his pants and his boxers, she dropped them off him to the floor in a pile. Emmy bent down and helped him out, then draped them over the sink with her own clothes.

He put his hands on her waist. “Ready?”

“No,” she said, honestly. “Just do it.”

With a kiss on her forehead, he pulled her closer and she heard the ribbons of the robe hiss out of the knot they were tied into. The front of the robe loosened and fell apart from each other. His hand slid up and pushed the robe off her shoulders, grabbing it at the last moment and tossing it on the counter. He wrapped his arms around her and she felt herself trembling against him. He never looked down at her ruin; he stared straight and only into her eyes.

“Do you have any idea how long I’ve wanted the last barrier to be dropped between us?” he asked softly. “I have wanted to stand here like this with you almost since day one.” Emmy felt tears in her eyes, again. He brought her chin up. “No. Don’t cry. Can’t you feel how wonderful this is?”

She did.

Chapter Sixteen

“What’s going to happen to Sean?” Emmy asked, leaning against his chest.

“Jail,” Nathaniel said. “Wright and Perez took him. Quinn is going to bail him out, and send him on his way. We’re going to monitor his every move, and there’s going to be a restraining order out for him. If this has to go to a judge, you will not be in the courtroom with him. At all, for any reason.”

“Thank you.” She was relieved. “And Allison and my mom?”

“Let me call and find out,” he offered, picking up the phone he had perched on the edge of the tub. He swiped it open, and dialed Franklin. The phone rang only once.

“Yes, sir?”

“Alyssa?” he asked, simply.

“She opted to go with him,” Franklin informed him.

“Damn. And Allison?”

“She’s down here, on a Xanax,” he said. “She wants to stay.”

“Good, set up security for her and get Joanne on the room.”

“Where are you, sir?” Franklin asked.

“Bathtub.”

“Ah.” Franklin laughed. “So I can tell all the nervous Nellies down here to relax?”

“Are they still there?”

“Yes, they are, and they’re pacing like expectant fathers.”

“Tell them to go away.” Nathaniel laughed. “We’re fine. It’s just bath time.”

“Very good, sir, you know the police are going to want to talk to you.”

“Yup,” Nathaniel said. “But until they come knocking, I am not inclined to care.”

“Very good. Talk to you later.”

The call disconnected and Nathaniel put the phone back on the edge behind him and wrapped his arms around Emmy again. She was so soft in the water. “Your mother decided to go with your step-father. Allison is staying.”

He felt her sob, just once. “She’s such an idiot. How can you love and hate someone so much at the same time? How can she go back to him after she found out what he did? How could she have
not
known what he did?”

Nathaniel took her hands and wove his fingers into hers. “That’s some heavy psychological shit right there, sweetheart. Want me to get Mueller back here?” He kissed the top of her head.

She laughed. “No, that’s okay. I’m sure I’m going to be seeing enough of him in the next few weeks.” She turned a bit in the tub and looked at him. “Allison stayed?”

“Yes,” he said. “We’re going to get custody of her. I don’t think we’ll have much trouble.”

“Thank you.” She sighed. She turned around to face him. “Thank you so much, for everything.”

“Hey, love’s a pretty powerful thing, you know?”

“You’re so sweet to me.” She marveled. “Even for all my fubarness.”

“I like that fubarness.” He smirked, waggling his eyebrows.

“You are a dirty boy.” Emmy giggled. “Hey—” She looked at him with wide eyes.

“Sorry, sorry,” he apologized. He had done his best to not be aroused by her, but the instant she started to bring up the kinky sex, he got turned on. “It’s got a mind of its own around you. I like the kink and so does he.”

She looked at him. “I think for the first time in my life, I’m going to turn down sex.”

“That’s fine, he’ll settle in a minute.”

“You’re...not upset?”

“After the emotional mind-fuck this morning? Nope. I completely and totally understand. He’s just reacting to what I’m thinking...about you.”

“You really do like it.” The relief in her voice was apparent. 

“Yes,” he answered.

“I can set up the room again in my apartment—”

“Pssht.” He waved her off. “Why should I go across the city to your place when you can tie me up, whip me and fuck me conveniently in my own house?”

“Mr. Walsh, you know how to turn a girl on.” Emmy nestled back against him.

“And if we keep talking about this, he’s not going to get turned off and you’re going to have to excuse me for a few minutes.” He laughed, bringing his hand out of the water to tap her nose.

“You’re pruny,” she observed, kissing his hand. “We should probably get out.”

“Only if you’re relaxed enough,” he assured her. “I could stay all day.”

“I wish I could.” She let out a long breath. “But I have to talk to Allison.” She settled into the water a little bit more. “God, I have to explain to my fourteen year old sister what happened. She doesn’t need this.”

“You’d better remember, she chose to stay.” Nathaniel kissed the side of her head. “That says a lot.”

“It does, doesn’t it?” Emmy nodded. Nathaniel had a way of putting things into perspective.

“Let’s go talk to her,” he said. “But you still owe me the story about why you hate Lance.”

“Yellow bastard,” she grumbled with vengeance.

“Come on, gorgeous, your sister is waiting.” He inched back so she could get out. He saw her hesitate. “If you’re really that uncomfortable, I’ll close my eyes until you get the robe on.”

She sighed. “No, I’m just not used to being completely naked, or you being comfortable with the mess.” He snickered, and she caught the irony of the statement. “Okay, okay. Very funny. The Domme doesn’t like to be naked. Snicker, giggle.” Emmy leaned in close to him. “You’ll have to be disciplined later, Mr. Walsh.”

“Yeah, okay, talking like that is not helping my situation here,” he grumbled, then popped forward and kissed her. “Let’s go. Out of the tub. Your sister is waiting.” He could tell she was still hesitant so he pushed her forward a little and stood in the tub, carefully stepping out. His erection finally got the idea that it wasn’t needed, and went away. Grabbing her robe off the sink, he held it up for her to slip into. She stood up, and this time he did look at her breasts. He understood why she wanted to keep them a secret, but he was glad they weren’t anymore.

She slipped an arm in the robe and he wrapped it around her, hugging her. “Still not bothered by them?” she asked.

“Nope,” he said, flatly, showing no hesitation whatsoever.

She was suddenly very still, and she rested her head on his arm. “If you’re really willing to help, I would like to talk to a doctor about plastic surgery.”

“I’ll make an appointment,” he said with satisfaction, tying up her robe. “Now, go get dressed, Mistress. Your sister is waiting for you.” 

She stepped away and headed out of the room. “You’re still topping from the bottom, Nathaniel. You’re up to twenty swats.”

He groaned.

~*~*~

Allison smeared the tears away. “I know Daddy would never lay a hand on me but after seeing what he did, I didn’t care. He hurt you so badly. I can’t live in the same house as him. I tried desperately to talk Mom out of it. But she has this crazy sense of stupid loyalty.” She took a deep breath. “I do too, but...damn it. What if Dad turns on me? And why does he get that loyalty and her daughters don’t?”

Emmy nodded. She didn’t want to think what Sean would do to Allison if she went home now. Apple of his eye or not, it wasn’t safe. There was no way she could go back to Boston. “Look, Mom is Mom. I don’t know how much of all of this she really knew, or ignored or just stuck her head in the sand. I love her and I hate her. But you’re here now, with me. And we’re going to be fine.”

“Did...did it hurt?”

“Oh, fuck yes.” Emmy almost groaned with the memory of the pain. “Very much.”

“And you’re okay with it?”

“Uh, no.” She wanted to be clear. “Eight years of therapy and a Klonopin addiction later, I can only just stand them long enough to shower.”

Allison raised an eyebrow. “Or bathe with your boyfriend.”

Nathaniel waved from his place on the other couch. “It was a bubble bath.”

Emmy looked at her. “You’re old enough to know all that sex stuff, right?”

“Yes, duh.” Ally made a face. “We had sex ed like four years ago.”

“Okay, just checking how maternal I need to be with you.” She studied her sister’s face. “If I needed to give you the whole, ‘be smart, don’t screw the first thing with a penis that points at you’.”

“Yeah, your approach? Completely different from Mom’s.”

“I’m a little more pragmatic about sex,” Emmy confessed.

“I’ll say,” Victor agreed.

Nathaniel hurled a pillow at his brother in the doorway. “Shut it, Vic. The kid doesn’t need your opinion on this.”

“Doesn’t need yours either.” Victor hurled the pillow back. 

Emmy rolled her eyes and shook her head. “Look, I’m just trying to figure out where we stand here, Ally. You’re not my kid, you’re my sister. You’re going to have to listen to me while you’re here, but I don’t want to be Mom. And I just want you to be safe and secure and comfortable.”

“I get a bedroom?”

“Nope,” Nathaniel said with no expression. “You’re sleeping with the horses.”

“Considering how nice those horses have it, I wouldn’t mind,” Ally piped right back. She looked at Emmy and then back at Nathaniel. “Look, it’s not that I don’t appreciate you guys here, but could Emmy and I talk for a few without you two here? It’s a sister thing.”

Nathaniel nodded. “Hmph. Sure, I get it. I give you your own room, and you kick me out of my own den.” He stood up and walked out of the room, stopping to give Emmy a kiss on the head. “Dinner’s in tonight. Joanne is making ‘forgive me’ lasagna.”

“Oh, no.” Emmy worried. “Does she feel guilty about all this?”

“We all do,” he said quietly, walking out the door.

“They need to stop.” Emmy didn’t want anyone to feel guilty.

“They love you, Emmy.” Ally smiled at her sister. “Look, I know I’m only fourteen, but there is something going on here. Something I think I need to know. Dad did something to you in the kitchen that drove you to your knees and made you do whatever he wanted. I know he did other bad things to you, and I guess that’s where that whole ‘on your knees’ thing came in. But there’s something else to this, isn’t there? Like the other guy who was here, Franz. He knew stuff too.”

Emmy sighed. “I don’t know if you need to know all that.”

“If you’re going to order me around in that voice, I want to know what’s going on. I don’t want to live in the dark anymore. Even if you can’t tell me exactly what’s going on around here, throw me a bone and at least let me know that I’m not imagining things.”

Emmy stared at Ally. She wanted to protect her sister from the life she lived. But how was she ever going to understand, if she didn’t have some insight into what was going on. Emmy had never been ashamed of what she was, but trying to explain this without scaring her sister would be a challenge. She was giving up the club anyway, since she was going to marry...

Her heart thumped hard.

I’m going to marry Nathaniel.

“Emmy?” Allison asked. “What’s with the stupid grin?”

“Just, uh...just figured something out,” she confessed. “Look, I’m a pretty fucked up head-case, Allison. And yes, most of it has to do with what your father subjected me to when I was your age, and what you saw in that kitchen. The guy Franz who was here...he was the one who started to straighten me out. He’s been a friend since I was sixteen.”

“You dated him,” she fished for information.

“We were...together for a while, yes,” Emmy answered. “Well, because of what happened I was kind of out of control. Franz gave me the ability to control my life, to control exactly what went on in certain aspects of my life. It’s been the only way to handle myself until I met Nathaniel.”

Allison looked at her, and Emmy could see her processing what she’d told her. “Dad...sexually abused you, didn’t he?”

Emmy sighed. “
He
didn’t do it, but he caused it.”

“And that messed your head up about sex, didn’t it?”

“Beyond what you can imagine,” Emmy admitted sadly.

“Why was there a riding crop on the bedroom floor?”

Emmy froze. “Ssssssshit.” She whipped around. “Did Mom see it?”

“I shoved it under the bed, along with the torn up panties I found in the sitting room and a tie tied to the headboard.”

“Triple shit,” Emmy groaned, dropping her head into her hands.

“I mean, I know it’s your bedroom and stuff, but is Nathaniel like…Christian Grey or something?”

Emmy giggled. Then she started laughing, harder and harder until she could barely catch her breath. She was roaring by the time she was able to get the question out. “Who the hell let you read that book?” She gasped between breaths, trying to stop the laughing.

“No one stopped me.” She giggled.

Emmy managed to stop the laughing after a moment. “Allison...”

“Look, it’s cool if he is,” Allison commented with a sly grin. “I get it.”

“No, Ally.” Emmy looked straight at her, taking a deep breath. “He’s not Christian Grey. Even though he has the money.” She paused. She wasn’t going to be able to keep all of this from Allison, no matter how she tried. It was an unfortunate complication of trying to hide her fubar sex habits. Emmy pursed her lips; she also didn’t want her to get the wrong ideas about sex and the lifestyle. “You saw what Sean did to me in the kitchen?”

She nodded. “He got you down on your knees,” she said. “I had to order you up the stairs.”

“It’s called being a submissive, and that’s what Sean made me when I was your age. He made me sexually submissive. He tried to go further and make me a total submissive, but I resisted. It was bad enough the way it was.”

“So Nathaniel is your—”

“My boyfriend,” she said clearly. “He’s not my dom. I can’t ever be a sub again. You saw that when you had to order me upstairs. I had to take control of myself and Franz helped me do it. This is all a little weird to be talking about, but since so much of what’s going on has to do with my lifestyle, I don’t want you to get the wrong idea.”

“I read the books, I get it.” 

“Christian Grey was a prick,” Emmy snapped. “Don’t ever mistake me for a prick.”

“Woo.” Allison smiled. “There she is.”

“Feeling better, dear?” Nathaniel asked from the doorway.

She looked back at him leaning against the door frame, and realized exactly what she’d just done. She started laughing. “Okay, fine. Yes, I’m feeling better.”

Nathaniel came over and put his hands on her shoulders. “Allison, I love your sister. A lot. She’s an unconventional woman, and what you had to be witness to today should never be witnessed by anyone. Our lifestyle is no one’s business, but because you saw that today, it needed to be explained. I also expect you’ll respect that this is our business and stays here. No one needs to know about any of this.”