Broken Glass (31 page)

“Shut up,” my face was hot now.

“He’s right,” Shakespeare grinned. “I’ve had a mad crush on you since day one, Ava. You’re the most beautiful girl I’ve ever seen and in any other circumstances, I would chase the hell outta you until you agreed to be mine. But seeing as how we’re both crazy, and my condition is most probably incurable, I’m not meant to chase after you in this lifetime.”

I began giggling uncontrollably then, blushing even more and unable to look at either one of them. This had a ripple effect because the two of them began laughing as well.

“Oh, I don’t know how I would’ve survived this place without the two of you,” I said, after I’d finally stopped laughing. “Thanks for being so good to me.”

“You sound like you’re giving us a farewell,” Henry said.

“Julianne told my mom we were going to be having some sort of meeting tomorrow afternoon,” I leaned forward and spoke quieter. “I don’t know why and Julianne didn’t mention anything to me about it. She told my mom she thinks I’m improving a lot, but what if she was lying? What if she wants to move me to a different ward or something because of…” But I couldn’t finish. Surely Julianne would never make me switch wards or hospitals just because of Conner.

“Is that even legal?” Shakespeare asked. “No, no, she couldn’t do that. Surely she
wouldn’t
do that.”

“Shake’s right,” Henry said. “Julianne may be a little angry because of the ‘relationship’ the two of you have formed, but she would never stoop to such petty levels as to transfer you somewhere else.”

“I hope you’re right,” I sighed.

I sat in my room later that night when I received another unexpected visitor.

“Conner!” I exclaimed, as he entered the room. I quickly shoved my Tyson box under my bed and got up from the floor where I’d been sitting.

“
Hello
again,” he said, politely. “I see you opened your gift. Do you like it?”

“Yeah, it’s great!” I smiled, but I felt
really awkward for some reason,
like I was fourteen again, trying to figure out how to stand and what to do with my hands around my crush. “Thank you so much.”

“You’re welcome,” he grinned, but I noticed that his eyes were serious.

“What’s wrong?” I asked him, immediately.

“My mother’s very upset with me, Ava,” he bit his bottom lip. “She doesn’t want me rotating on this ward anymore.” I nodded, not looking at him.

“I’m not surprised,” I admitted. “Are you?”

“I agree that I haven’t been very…
professional
with you,” Conner said. “And maybe she’s be
ing lenient on me. But nothing, as far as she knows,
has happened to be considered inappropriate patient/doctor conduct.”

“Does she know you were caught in here this morning?” I asked him. He shook his head.

“No,” he sighed. “I trust that Josephine won’t say anything, but I could be wrong.”

“I have a meeting tomorrow with my mother and Julianne,” I told him. “Do you know anything about that?”

Conner frowned.

“No,” he replied. “Do you know what it pertains to?”

“Not a clue,” I said. “My mom came by to visit me this morning and told me Julianne had called her and told her I was really improving and that she wanted the three of us to have a meeting tomorrow afternoon. I’m afraid she’ll want to transfer me somewhere else because of…” I let my voice trail off. When Conner didn’t say anything, I went on,

“A-and maybe it’s for the best if she does transfer me. I mean, what’s happening here…maybe it’s not right…for either of us, you know?”

I looked up at him and his green eyes were bright with some sort of heated emotion, though I wasn’t sure which.

“No, Ava, I don’t know,” he replied, and he was clenching his jaw. “I wasn’t lying about everything I told you last night. I won’t take any of it back just to be practical or because you think it’s ‘not right for either of us’.”

“You don’t have to be angry with me,” I snapped at him. “I was just saying
—
”

“That’s all you’ve been doing lately!” He blurted out. “Trying to rationalize any way out of how you feel! And yes, Ava, it does make me a little angry and extremely frustrated! Here I am, laying everything out on the table for you to do what you will with it and you keep pulling further and further away! What am I to do? What would you have me do? Pretend I never fell in love with you? Pretend you’re not in love with me?”

His words hit me
hard. I was speechless at his outburst. He was right and I was wrong, and I knew it, but putting everything out on the table like he was doing wasn’t an option for me. I was scared as hell to do that again and he knew it, so why was he pushing me so hard?

Because he loved me so much.

That was it. Plain and simple, that was all there was to it.

“Did you have to sneak in here?” I asked him, quietly, not wanting to do this now.

“Yeah,” he sighed. “I can’t stay long. I just wanted to see you in person to tell you I’d be missing in action for the next couple of days. I’ve got some big evaluations on the first ward upstairs.”

“Is she definitely taking you off this ward?” I asked him.

“No, darling, she just mentioned it,” he answered, reaching out and touching my cheek gingerly. “So your mum came by today?”

“Yeah,” and I smiled. “It was really amazing to see her. I realized how much I miss
ed her…how much I need her
.”

“Good,” he said, smiling, too. “I’m sure she was elated to see you. Do you think she’ll start visiting more often now?”

“I hope so,” I said. “But when she left
today, I felt almost abandoned
. I wish I could go home now. For the first time in a long time, I just want to go home for real. Does that make any sense?”

“Makes perfect sense,” he replied. “I’m glad you finally realize how important home is again.” He took a step forward and gave me a quick, sweet kiss on my temple.

“I’ve gotta go,” he told me. “See you in a few days, Ava.” He turned to leave, and I found myself calling after him.

“Conner!”

He turned around, giving me a puzzled look.

“What is it, Ava?” he asked.

I wanted to ask him what would happen if Julianne did try to transfer me before he came back to the ward…I wanted to ask him if I would ever see him again…but I didn’t have the courage to
hear the answers, so I just said,

“Six months.”

He just stared at me, continuing to look puzzled.

“What?” he asked.

“I won’t get to go home for six months,” I told him. “That’s half a year. That’s a million seconds away. And thousands of things can change in six months.”

He walked back over to me and took my hand in his, placing it over his heart. It was almost beating out of his chest again.

“This will never change,” he murmured. “Not six minutes from now, not six months from now, not six years from now, not six million years from now. This will never change.”

And then he turned and walked out of the room.

23
.

Sitting through group therapy the next day was torture.
The
whole time, I just fidgeted with my hands, wanting some kind of look or hint of emotion from Julianne. She didn’t give me any. After group therapy was finally over, I was surprised when Julianne came up to me.

“Ava,” she said, pleasantly, as everyone else was leaving. “Can I see you in my office?”

I just looked at her and nodded, wordlessly. My mother had been the o
ne to tell me about the meeting, but
this was the first time Julianne had said anything about it.

I followed behind
into her office and my mother was already sitting there. When we entered the room, she looked up at me, smiling. I immediately went to her and wrapped my arms around her. It’d been less than a day since I’d seen my mom, but that’d been plenty of time to miss her.

“All right,” Julianne said, sitting down behind her desk. “I’m sure you’re both very curious as to why I called this meeting.”

My mother and I nodded.

“Well let’s get straight to business then,” Julianne said, smiling. It was a fake smile. “I’m pleased to say that Ava has been improving tremendously. She’s eating, she’s sleeping, and
overall, her therapy sessions
b
oth with me and with the group
are some of the best I’ve seen out of any of my patients in a while.”

“That’s wonderful,” my mom glanced over at me and gave my knee a gentle squeeze. I didn’t return her smile, but instead focused on Julianne’s face. What was going on?

“I’ve decided to put in a form of early release for Ava,” Julianne announced to us then, in an almost triumphant tone. My mother let out a sound that resembled a squeal.

“When?” She asked. “I-I didn’t know you could release her early.”

“Neither did I,” I spoke up, in a less than excited voice. Julianne was looking at my mother, smiling.

“She can indeed be released early, with signs such as these of extraordinary improvement,” Julianne nodded. She wasn’t looking at me. Wh
y wasn’t Julianne looking at
me
?

“S-so this means Ava can come home?” my mother’s voice was shaky now and I looked over at her. Tears were in her eyes.

“Yes, it does,” Julia
nne smiled and looked at me finally
. Our eyes met and in that split second, she knew that I knew that this was all a l
ie. I may be better, but in all actuality,
I wasn’t well enough to be abruptly sent home.

“How long will this take?” my mom asked Julianne. “I mean, when exactly will Ava be able to come home?”

“The paperwork should clear in less than a week,” Julianne was looking at my mother again. “I should say by Friday Ava will be able to go home. She should actually have her things ready to go because as soon as I get the release
forms back, she’ll be able to leave
!”

They both looked at me then. My mother was beaming. Julianne was waiting for a response. I was trying so desperately then to create one, but I just couldn’t. I was numb. I was in utter disbelief. Was this happening?  Why wasn’t I happy?

“Is this
real?” was all I could manage. The wide smile on my mom’s face never faltered, but
there was a slight dismal expression that passed through Julianne’s eyes then.

“Yes, Ava,” Julianne answered, in a soft voice. “It’s very real. It’s your time. You did it. You got better.”

I didn’t feel any better.
I felt like I was cheating.

“By this Friday?” I found myself muttering, not believing it. So fast, so sudden. Even if I felt like all this was being done for the right reasons, would it have been easy for me to accept? I’d always thought wh
en I got out of this place
it would
be the best day of my life. But I was filled with nothing but dread.

Julianne got up then, and Mom and I followed. She ushered us over to the door, smiling brightly. I couldn’t look at my mother, for I knew there’d be tears of joy in her eyes, and I just couldn’t share that emotion with her. All I could think about was Conner. And Henry. And Shakespeare. And Channing. How could I leave them? How was I going to tell them?

Julianne began talking again, but I couldn’t hear what she was saying. My head was spinning uncontrollably and it was all I could do to not crumple to the ground. This wasn’t happening. It wasn’t possible. I wasn’t ready. I couldn’t face the real world again. Could I?
Could I
?

Before I knew it, my weak legs were walking alongside my mother towards my room.

“Oh, Ava, honey, will you say something?” I
heard her ask me. I didn’t reply as we walked into my room and over to the bed to si
t down. I stared straight ahead. I knew I should be thrilled. I knew I should at least be acting like I was thrilled, for my mother’s sake. But I couldn’t do it. I just couldn’t do it.

“Do you think I am ready?” I instead found myself saying to her. I finally looked at my mother and was heartbroken when her face fell.

“Well, I haven’t been here, Ava,” she replied, softly. “But if Julianne thinks you are, what more do you need? Don’t you believe you are? I thought this is all you’ve wanted for months.”

I looked down at my hands in my lap.

“I thought it was, too,” I sighed. And in that instant, I wanted to tell her about Conner. About Channing. About Shakespeare. About Henry. Even about Aurelia. About my life here. About how I had just, in this split second, come to realize that I was in love…with
my life
, as it was now. I wanted t
o go home and be with my mother—
it wasn’t that I didn’t. But what I was leaving behind meant so much.
All of this…it had taught me how to walk again.