Broken Hearts Damaged Goods (2 page)

Aug. 25, 2010

After reading my last journal entry, I’ve decided
that some of my and Steve’s problem might be me and my attitude.  Okay.  It was
after talking to Megan while having a few drinks, but the fact of the matter is
that I am going to be the change that I would like to see in this relationship.

I can’t expect a guy to love me, if I am noticing
things like him drooling on my clean sheets.  I mean, that’s a natural thing
for a body to do when you’re asleep.  It’s not something you can control.  I’m
sure that I drool on my sheets.

So starting today, I’m going to start to notice that
good things that Steve does.  It will make me appreciate him more.

He always buys condoms and throws them away after
sex.  He has never not been prepared for sex.  And he buys the nicer kind, so
it’s not like he is being cheap or anything.  I don’t know why this is
important and what it really shows about him.  I mean, I guess it shows that he
is responsible and wants to make sure that I don’t get any STDs.

I wonder if I should ask him to get tested.  Would
he find that offensive?  I mean, if I am on the pill and we are in a committed
relationship, are condoms really necessary?  Maybe the condom is coming between
us.  It could be acting like a little barrier keeping us from getting closer
together.

I wish I could find out if couples that have
unprotected sex have better relationships.

Steve responds to my texts in a timely fashion.  He
has never not replied to a text, even if it was a stupid, “OK.”  I mean, that’s
not ideally what I want to hear from him, but it is at least a response.  Even
his “idk” is a response.  A very useless response that isn’t even worth
checking my messages for.  And it ruins the excitement of wanting to see what
he said.  It’s like waiting for the mail to come because you have a package
coming and then getting junk mail.

Okay.  This list is not working.  I’m just
justifying the things that he does.  It’s not making his annoying habits more
endearing.  I think that was the point Megan was trying to get me to
understand. 

This was all totally her idea and didn’t come from
me reading my journal.  I will have to think of something else to make me love
him more.  I mean... To make me realize all of the things that I love about him
and just have forgotten.

I bet I would freak him out if I asked him to go t a
couple’s counseling.  We’re too young of a relationship.  We’ve been dating for
five months, but three of those months were spent apart.

Maybe I’m just suffering from post-separation anxiety. 
I’m not anxious over the separation anymore.  I’m afraid that we won’t be a
couple after the separation.  I wonder if there are pills or anything you can
take for that.

Maybe I’m too neurotic and need to stop thinking
about the actual relationship and just enjoy him and everything that we are as
a couple.

Aug. 28, 2010

Steve and I went out to the bars last night.  He got
a little drunk.  Okay, he got very drunk.  He gyrated on me most of the time at
the bar.  I guess I should enjoy rubbing my ass against his crotch as he grabs
my tits.  Somehow giving him an erection while he molests me isn’t very
enjoyable.

Since he was incapable of driving, I couldn’t drink
last night after a certain point.  He passed out in my bed.  Of course, I had
to help get him in my bed.

I thought the night was a total waste, but he had a
drunk boner.

It was the best sex we’ve had in a while.  He just
laid there until I was finished and dismounted from him.  And since he was
passed out, I didn’t have to worry about him talking to me and saying things
that I didn’t really care about.

This must be what it is like to be a man.

I can’t say that I enjoy acting like a man.  The
being able to orgasm and then quit part is kind of fun, but I didn’t really
like him not being present, except in dick only.  It was a kind of shallow sex,
even more so than a random hookup.

And I did want to talk to him, even if I hated him a
little bit at that moment.  I wanted him to hold me and do everything that I
have wanted him to do since we came back to school.  I just can’t get him to
understand this.

I would talk to him about it, but there’s no good
way to bring that kind of thing up to a guy.  If I tried to talk to him about
it, it would just cause a fight.  Or he would zone out, and I would get pissed
off.  He would then ask me what’s wrong.  I would say, “Nothing.”  He would
push me for an answer.  Guys can never tell when you want to talk about
something until you get so mad about it that you don’t really want to talk
about.  At that point, it should be obvious what is wrong.  But they still
can’t figure it out, so press you for an answer so that they can fix the
problem.  The only problem is that the problem should have been fixed a long
time ago.

I mean, I shouldn’t have to have sex with my boyfriend
when he is drunk and passed out.  And it sure as hell shouldn’t be the best sex
I’ve had in a while.  And I shouldn’t feel guilty for having sex with my
boyfriend, except that I know that it amounted to rape.

As much I want to try to justify it all the way a
guy would, I feel bad about it.  Now I kind of have to stay with him to help to
rebuild the trust that I just destroyed.  But I don’t feel like I can tell him
what I’ve done.  I know that I should.

Do guys care if they weren’t awake for sex?  I know
that most are just happy to get some.  The only problem is that he didn’t
really get some this time.  With how much he had to drink and with me just
using him to get off, I pretty much left him with blue balls.

I don’t really think the blue balls were my fault. 
With as much as he had to drink, part of his body was telling him to pee. 
There was another part of his body telling him that he was aroused.  I just
sided with the part of the body that was aroused.  So in a way, I was really
just listening to and responding to his unspoken cues.

I think it is best to just not mention this to him.

Aug. 29, 2010

So I told Steve that I raped him.  We then got into
a huge fight that he somehow won.  I mean, he wasn’t even really upset that I
raped him.  He was just mad that we had unprotected sex.  He said he didn’t
want to get me pregnant.  He said he’s not ready to be a father, and that if I
do get pregnant, he’s not going to take care of the kid.

I told him I was on the pill.  Plus I told him that
he didn’t cum last night.  I then started into my defense, which included
bringing up all of the problems we have been having since we got back to
school.

He denied us having any problems and said that a
normal person would actually discuss their problems with their boyfriend and
not take advantage of them.

And I couldn’t really argue with that.  But when I
tried to bring up our problems as a couple, he made me sound crazy or like one
of those crazy psycho-sluts.  I just wanted to talk to him about everything
that was wrong with us as a couple, and he blew me off.

We’re supposed to go out in a few days.  He wants
some time to think things over.

We’re not on a break or anything.  I think he is
doing a power move here.  He wants to act like he is punishing me and make it
seem like he is right in this matter so that we don’t have to actually talk
about our problems.

If I let him get away with this, we will never
discuss what is wrong.  The only problem is that I can’t break up with him
after having just raped him.  It looks bad.

I have to let this go until he is ready to talk,
which is not going to happen.  He’s a guy.  Plus, even when we were good as a
couple, we still didn’t discuss feelings.  We just had really great sex and
enjoyed each other’s company, which included a lot of physical intimacy and
some getting to know each other.

I think we really need to break up.  There’s no way
to fix this relationship.

I will wait and see what he does.

Sept. 4, 2010

Steve and I had dinner together tonight for the
first time since the fight.  We had hung out together some during the week and
had a few phone calls and texts, but everything between us was formal, even
when he ended every conversation saying that he loved me.

The dinner was okay.  He did everything to make it
seem like we were a couple.  He kissed me goodnight.  Well, he kissed me on the
cheek.

Maybe I seemed a little cool.  He was trying to be
romantic.  I just felt indifferent to him and really wanted to break up with him. 
I would break up with him, but I don’t know if I want to be just friends with
him, or just remain friends on Facebook while not actually ever talking to each
other.  I don’t think I want to unfriend him.  He wasn’t a bad boyfriend. 
We’re just no longer good as a couple.

I’m looking forward to this weekend.  I’m going to
go home for Labor Day.  I’ll discuss everything with my sister.  Sometimes the
best thing to do is to talk it out with somebody that knows you and has your
best interests at heart.  And she will help me to figure out what I am really
feeling and thinking.

Sept. 7, 2010

It felt good to see my family this weekend.  And it
felt good to be away from Steve and all of our problems.  I decided to not
break up with him.  I think I can save this relationship.

This feels like the right decision, especially after
having lunch with him today.  I don’t know what changed about him, but we
seemed more like we did when we first started going out.  We talked about what
was going on in our lives. And he listened like he actually cared.  He looked
deep into my eyes and hung on my every word.  He told me I was beautiful and
held me close to him.  There was a softness and a tenderness to his kisses. 
And I felt like he actually loved me.

And as we walked back to my apartment, we just
talked and held hands.  When we got back to my place, I apologized for having
raped him.  He kissed me and told me that it was okay and that I didn’t need to
apologize.  He should have been paying better attention to me and everything
that I was feeling.

We then had sex, but it was different from all of
the sex we have had before.  It was soft, sweet, and tender.  He held me after
it.  We just laid there and talked.  We then showered together and got ready
for dinner.

He was even sweet in the shower.  He was more loving
than erotic or passionate.  He wasn’t seeing what he could do with me.  It was
about his light touches and caresses and him taking care of me.  The best part
was that he didn’t ask for anything in return.

He actually took me out to eat for dinner.  It was
that nice little Italian place, Cusina DeBenecia or something.  It was almost a
candlelit dinner, except that there were no candles.  The lights were just a
little dim, but in a romantic way.  And the waiter suggested wines to go with
your pasta dish.

After that, we just hung out at my place.  He held
me as we watched TV.

He’s asleep right now.  I’m enjoying watching him
sleep.  He’s so beautiful.  I know that he isn’t going to like that term, but
how else would you describe it?  He’s so at peace.  His dark hair is just
slightly messed up.  His lips are begging to be kissed.

And he is shirtless, so I get to see his pecks,
biceps, and the top of his abs.  He really is a gorgeous man.

And I can’t say what has changed or how it even
happened, but I’m glad that we didn’t break up.  Of all of the guys that I’ve
dated, this feels right.  I feel loved.

Sept. 11, 2010

Guys are assholes!  I want to take back everything I
said about Steve being handsome, sweet, and romantic.  Apparently he was only
doing all of this stuff this week because over Labor Day weekend, his best
friend, Jack, confided in him that he was going to propose to his longtime
girlfriend, Brittany.

Well, it seems that Steve has been sleeping with
Brittany.  When Jack told him he was going to propose to her, he broke off the
affair and was going to act like it never happened.

I don’t think Steve expected Brittany to turn Jack
down tonight and tell him about the affair.

I was out with Steve at the bars when Jack called
him and acted all excited about the proposal and then asked if he could speak
to me.  He said that Brittany wanted to ask me something.  When he handed me
the phone, Jack then told me that Steve had been having an affair with Brittany
since the summer and that she told him this tonight when he proposed to her. 
He said if I had any questions that I could meet him at the FishBowl.

I casually hung up the phone and turned to Steve.  “So
you’ve been sleeping with Jack’s girlfriend?”

You should have seen how he was trying to make
excuses for it.  He tried to act like the hero by saying that he was the one
that broke it off.  He “ended it as soon as I heard Jack was going to propose
to her.”  What kind of reasoning is that?  Who sleeps with your best friend’s
girlfriend of four years?

He tried to tell me that he loved me and that he
wanted to work things out.  He brought up how I raped him, which was worse than
what he did.  He had only been cheating on me since June.

The sad part is that I don’t really care that he
cheated on me.  I mean, I have been cheated on before.  Shit, I’ve even done
two guys at the same time, but that was without giving either of the guys an
actual relationship status.

What makes me mad about this is that I spent the
summer trying to sustain a relationship when he was banging somebody else?  And
then I’ve spent the past few weeks trying to save that relationship.  When I
feel guilty about taking advantage of him in a drunken state, he tried to act
like I was the reason that the relationship wasn’t like it once was.

Then I find out that the wonderful past couple of
days I have been enjoying with him are due to the fact that he ended the affair
with his best friend’s girlfriend.  It had nothing to do with me and how he
felt about me.  He was just doing what he had to do to keep getting some, since
he had just lost what he had been getting on the side.

When I met Jack at the FishBowl, I found him to be a
mess.  He was still coherent.  He was just really depressed.  He was so sad and
pathetic that I kind of forgot my anger.

I sat beside him and tried to smile a sympathetic
smile, but he just turned away and looked at his drink as he was lost in his
thoughts.  He then turned to me and asked me if I wanted something to drink.

After I ordered my drink, we just sat there in
silence.  I didn’t know what to say to him.  “Are you okay”, seemed a little inappropriate
and insensitive at a moment like this.  I didn’t know him that well.  I mean, I
have had conversations with him before, but it was always at parties or other
things where Steve was around.  He was always very good to ask me about my
major, how my day was, and other stuff like that, but we had never had a really
in depth conversation.

The one thing I always admired about Jack whenever I
would hang out with him and Steve is how he always seemed to think about other
people and be genuinely interested in them and what they had to say.  Although
he was a little slow on his conversation tonight, that quality was still
present in him.

“I hope you don’t mind me telling you that Steve was
cheating on you.  I felt you had the right to know.”

I told him that it was fine and that I was glad that
he told me.

“Do you know... all of my friends knew about this, but
none of them told me?  I’ve been friends with him since first grade.  And I’ve
been with her for four years.  And it’s not like they just cheated on my once. 
They’ve been doing this all summer, right under my very nose.  Even my other
friends knew about it, but none of them would tell me.”

He closed his eyes, and I couldn’t tell if he wanted
to cry or was about to pass out from the alcohol.  I put my hand on his
shoulder and asked him if he was okay.

“Did you know that he was cheating on you?”

“No.  I knew that we were having problems, but I
never thought that he would cheat on me.”

“I didn’t even think that Brittany and I were having
problems.  I thought everything was perfect between us and that she was the one
I wanted to spend the rest of my life with.  You would think some of my
“friends” would have told me that she was cheating me when I told them I was
going shopping for rings.”

He then pulled the ring from his coat pocket and
presented it to me.  It was a gorgeous ring.  The diamond wasn’t too big.  It
was just the right size for a young man still in college.  You could tell that
he had put thought into buying it for her.  He must have had the entire night
planned out for her just to find out that she had been cheating on him.

I wonder if the beauty of the ring is what finally
made her admit to the relationship with Steve.  I don’t think Steve was going
to admit it to him, even though he did break it off as soon as he knew Jack was
going to propose to her.

I don’t know if I was admiring the ring a little too
long, but Jack looked at me and said, “Do you want it?  It’s paid for.  I
worked all summer for it.”

“No, I...”

“Just put it on.”

He then took the ring out of the box and put it on
my finger.

“See.  Isn’t it beautiful?  While I was busy working
and saving up the money for that, she was busy screwing my best friend.  And
you should have seen her face when I got down on one knee tonight and popped that
ring out.  It brought her to tears and made her admit that she didn’t deserve
that ring.”

He looked at the ring on my finger and his face
changed.  He seemed to be torn between two emotions, but he dismissed one and
continued, “You know you’ve done a good job of picking out an engagement ring
when it makes your girlfriend cry tears of regret instead of tears of joy. 
That ring is so beautiful that it made her feel unworthy of me and everything
that that ring stands for.”

And at that moment, I just started crying.  I
couldn’t help it.  I just felt really bad for him.  And I couldn’t stop crying,
even when he tried to get me to stop.  How was I supposed to stop crying when
he just kept saying that I needed to stop because the ring was bought to make
somebody happy?  After he said that, I just started bawling.

I had to get away from him.  I stepped outside, but
he followed me.  “Come on, Liselle, don’t cry.  I’ve had enough sadness and
heartache for the day.  I don’t need the only friend I have at the moment to
fall apart on me.”

And then I kissed him.  I just grabbed him by the
face and kissed him.  I don’t know why.  He was just so sweet and pathetic.  He
had been though a lot.  He made my situation look not so bad.  And he gave me
some sort of hope that there could be a halfway decent guy out there for me.

He looked at me and said, “How you been wanting to
do that for a long time, or was it just...”

I then had to explain to him that I kind of get over
failed relationships by making out with other people and that he was just so
beautiful in his heartbreak that I wanted to make out with him, which is a very
hard thing to explain to somebody that was your ex-boyfriend’s best friend when
they just got dumped by the girl that your ex-boyfriend was screwing.

He thought about this and then said, “Well, I was
going to use alcohol and try to drink my way out of this alone, but your way
seems a lot better.”

“Not necessarily.  I’ve been doing this since I was
a senior in high school.  I don’t know which guy I’m trying to get over at this
point in my life.  As far as I know, I could still be trying to get over my
first failed romance, but with so many guys in between, it’s hard to tell.”

“Do you want to go back inside and get a few
drinks?”

And so I joined him for several drinks.  We just sat
and talked about how stupid this whole love thing is.  I was finally able to
tell him about everything me and Steve and everything that I had been feeling
lately.  And I heard about how he met Steve in first grade and how they had always
been the best of friends and how they would discuss women.  And then he started
to talk about Brittany and how they had gotten together.

I didn’t have the heart to tell him that he was
still madly in love with her.  He doesn’t care about anything that happened
tonight.  He would take her back right now.  And that kind of makes me sad.  He
feels things for her that I have never felt for anybody I have ever dated.

That’s not saying that I wouldn’t want to feel a
kind of love like that.  I just don’t think it is possible.  He talks as if
being in love is like everything I saw in Disney movies growing up.  I have
never found love to be that way.  It has always been sex with a guy you find
attractive until you end up being friends.  I just figured that as long as you
got along with the guy and enjoyed his company that you were a good couple. 
When you end up feeling like you are just tolerating the guy, then it is time
to end the romance.

We drank and talked until it was time for the bar to
close.  And for the first time in my life, I didn’t want the conversation with
a guy to end, so I asked him what he was doing now.

He seemed to think about this.  “I don’t know.  I
should go home, but Steve is there.  I don’t really want to see him now, and
I’m a little mad at my other friends for not telling me that they knew I was
being cheated on.”

So I told him that he could sleep over at my place. 
Neither one of us was in the mood to be alone.  He tried to object on moral
grounds, until he realized that spending time with me wouldn’t be cheating on
Brittany.  Saying you won’t marry a guy is pretty final.  I don’t think I
should have mentioned that to him, or kissed him again at that moment.  But
even guys that are still in love with another girl won’t refuse a make out session
with another girl, as long as the guy is currently single.

I don’t know what I was thinking, or even what I was
wanting.  Part of me thought that it would be getting back at Steve.  Part of
me feared being alone that night.  I just wanted somebody in bed with me.  If
you have a guy’s arm around you as you are asleep, you don’t feel so bad about
yourself.  You at least get the feeling that somebody in this world finds you
attractive and wants to be with you.

We started off holding hands and continued our
conversation from the bar.  When we got back to my place, I led him instantly
to the bedroom and started to make out with him.  When I started to undo his
shirt, he stopped kissing me and said, “I should be going.”

I then apologized to him.  I started babbling about
how I’m sorry if I made him feel uncomfortable.  I know that he is going
through a hard time right now.  And then I said something about how a rebound
romance usually makes me feel better.  I just thought that maybe if we used
each other knowing that we didn’t have any deep feelings for each other that we
could both get over our exes while kind of getting back at them at the same
time.