Broken Like Glass (12 page)

I’m fixing my best PB&J
as Uriah sits out on the deck waiting for me. I take my time because I know when I get out there, he and Papa both are waiting for me to tell him what happened with Bo. I said I’d tell, though, so, I will. I’m dirty, but I’m no dirty liar.

“You need to stop your stalling and get out here and talk to me,” Uriah calls from the deck.

He’s caught on to my game. I pep up my speed and walk out onto the deck with the sandwiches. Uriah got the drinks before I started making the sandwiches.

I hand him his plate and sit down with mine. He holds it in his lap and just looks at me and I stare forward.

“You’re stalling, Lillian James.”

I quickly glance at him. “I know.” It comes out just above a whisper.

“So tell me,” he says and takes a bit of sandwich.

“That first day back in the cabin after I stayed with you, Bo came over. At first, it was a normal visit with him, but he started talking about having feelings for me and saying how he worried when I was lost in the woods and how his heart would break if he lost me.”

“Okay, doesn’t sound so bad yet.”

I set my plate down on the deck. My hunger seems to have vanished and my stomach is in knots. “I tried to tell him his momma wouldn’t have none of that. I wasn’t good enough and he deserved better, but it was like he just wasn’t hearing me.”

“I knew he was sweet on you.”

“That’s not sweetness, Uriah.”

He looks at me and frowns.

“I told him I just wanted to be friends. That I didn’t love him like that. I told him I didn’t love anyone. Bo talked about how we would talk and watch the stars at night and hang out. He asked if I felt something for him.”

“You don’t feel like that about him?”

“No,” I spit. “And even if I did, I wouldn’t anymore.”

Uriah knits his eyebrows together and gives me this menacing look. “Keep talking.”

“I told him I didn’t. He called me a liar when I told him I don’t feel like that for no one.” I look to the corner of the deck. “I got up and stood over there and he followed me.”

I’m fine telling what happened to this point and then my heart starts racing. This is the part when I broke that night and reliving it is painful.

“Lilly, I know it’s hard for you to tell stuff, but you need to tell me. I need to know what happened.”

“Bo wanted me to kiss him. He said if I kissed him and all I felt was friendship after that he’d let it be. I didn’t want to kiss Bo at all. I have never felt like that about him and I never will. I tried to tell him, but he just couldn’t or wouldn’t hear me. So he put his mouth on me and at first it was okay, but then he tried to kiss me like I was his girlfriend. When I pushed him back, the look on his face.”

“What did he do, Lilly?”

“He grabbed my arms and the look on his face. I don’t know, but I’d never seen him like that before. So, I told him, fine, I’ll kiss you like I said I would. I kissed him until he stopped kissing me.”

“But he didn’t do anything other than that?”

“No, but I can tell you right now, I’ve seen that look before. Heard that tone of voice. If I hadn’t, I don’t know what he would have done. He was just like Marlin. Just like that boy at Lucy’s house.” I gasp as I realize I’ve spilled something I hadn’t planned on spilling.

“Marlin?” Uriah’s voice rises.

“I didn’t mean for that to come out. Just forget about it. I’ve talked to Chrissy. She knows.”

“Is that stuff you told her today?”

I nod.

Uriah jumps up, hands on his hips and looks down at me. “I’ll kill both of them if they ever so much as look at you again.”

“You can’t change what happened. Just like I can’t.”

“But Bo didn’t do anything, right? You’d tell me if he did.”

“He did exactly what I just told you. He left that night. I told him were weren’t friends no more.”

“But Marlin? What did he do?”

Well, Papa, if I’m spilling my beans, might as well spill ’em all, right?

“He’d catch me alone when I was over at his house helping his wife. He’d touch me and kiss me and feel me up. The last time he caught me, it went further, but not a whole lot.”

Uriah sits down with a thud. The look on his face is something between anger and disbelief. “You’ve kept this secret this whole time?”

“I told momma, but she called me a liar and busted me. Told me not to go spreading lies about people.”

“Your momma didn’t believe you?”

“Oh, I think she believed me. I just think she didn’t want daddy being sent to jail for killing him. I’ve realized she loved daddy a whole lot more than she loved me.”

Uriah rakes a hand through his hair. He’s cut it since the last time I saw him, but it’s still long like I like. “I can’t believe you’ve gone through all of this by yourself.”

“I’ve had Papa, but He was the only one who knew until I told you and Chrissy. Bo doesn’t even know.”

Uriah stands and pulls me into a bear hug. His face is buried in my neck and I feel his lips move against my neck. “As long as I live, and if I can help it, no person will ever lay a finger on you again unless you want them to.”

I snuggle into his arms and I feel so warm and so protected. It’s an entirely new experience for me. I’ve been on my own for so long its feels foreign to have all of these feelings all at once. Then I remember my daddy and those safe arms feel more like a lead coffin.

“My daddy will hurt you, Uriah,” I say and pull away from him.

“What makes you say that?”

“Cause I know him. He’s vindictive, mean, and horrible. He’ll kill you if he gets the chance or he’ll kill me so it’ll hurt you if he thinks that’ll be worse.”

“Then you’re coming and staying at the house with me and momma.”

I shake my head. “No. I won’t do that. These lips in town will flap and all their judgment will come at you and her.”

“I don’t care. She won’t care. I’m not leaving you if you think he’s capable of that.”

I realize now I should have kept my mouth shut. I shouldn’t have told him my daddy is dangerous. Papa, you’ve got to help me figure out how to keep him safe.

My posture softens, I relax my face and try to put him at ease. “What do I know? I’ve been gone all these years. I stayed at the house and things were fine until the grocery store.”

“Do you know why you stabbed him now?”

“No, I don’t. I can’t fathom why I’d do such a thing.”

“What I saw today makes me not want to leave you here.”

“I’ll be fine. Daddy doesn’t know I’m here.” At least, I don’t think so.

Uriah looks at me like he’s got a war inside going on. “I don’t like it. I don’t like leaving you alone out here.”

“You’ve been leaving me alone out here and I’ve been just fine up to this point.”

He eyes me.

“Okay, so one time. One time I’m not so fine, but all the others I was fine.”

Uriah pulls me into another hug and we stand on the deck, watching the birds and woods until it's too dark to see. I’ve loved Uriah and I’ve loved him for as long as I can remember and now I know why: he’s never wanted anything from me.

Mid-June turns to mid-July,
and I don’t see my daddy again. It doesn’t really surprise me though ‘cause I didn’t see him before the time in the parking lot so who knows where he’s been keeping himself or with who.

I see Bo every so often and I shy away from him.

Uriah and I spend time together. I go to church with him from time to time. He doesn’t push me to go. When I say no, he listens and lets it go. He and Papa are working on my trust.

My therapy sessions get easier. I still don’t know why I stabbed my daddy, but the other things that had been weighing me down seem to get lighter the more I see Chrissy. It’s not like what I thought it would be at all.

Between my talks with Papa and Chrissy, all those years of feeling like I was dirt start to get better. I won’t say they’re gone, but I can say better. Chrissy says I’ll probably struggle with them for a while. Not because Papa can’t heal me, but because it can be hard to not hurt from stuff like that.

One day, I’m in her office, and we’re talking about why things take so long to heal. I’m sitting in my chair, she’s sitting in her chair, and Papa is taking up the rest of the room. I know because I can feel Him all over.

“You think miracles still happen, Chrissy?” I ask.

“I think so. There're stories all the time about people being healed from cancer or other life-threatening things.”

“You think Papa can heal me and make all my hurts go away?”

Chrissy’s eyebrows draw together, and she thinks for a moment. “I think He can. Now, whether He will or if you will let Him is a different story. I think it’s easier to heal physical stuff than it is to heal emotional and spiritual stuff because the outside stuff you can see. You know it’s healed, but the stuff on the inside is harder to see and easier to be brought up again and again.”

“I can see that.”

“What made you think of that?”

“I don’t know. I just don’t want to have all this in me anymore. I don’t want to be able to remember all this stuff. I don’t want to feel it anymore.”

Chrissy lets out a long sigh. “I know. I wish I could do something more to help, but I know talking about it and keeping it under a light will help.”

“I’m feeling better, lighter. I think keeping it to myself let it fester and turn into a monster.”

She chuckles. “Well, that’s true. Have you spoken to Bo since that night?”

“No. I don’t have anything to say.”

“Maybe he has something to say. Maybe he will apologize. Not that it makes what he did, right, but maybe it will help him be a better person.”

“I guess.”

“Have you forgiven him?”

“Papa and I have been having a tug of war about that. I don’t want to forgive him because I think it will make what he did seem okay and it’s not.”

“Why do you think that?”

“Because if he apologizes then he’ll think things are okay and we can be friends again.”

“Maybe he could apologize and you can tell him you forgive him and just because you’re forgiving him doesn't mean what he did was okay and you can’t be friends with him anymore because you don’t trust him.”

“There you go being all logical like Papa.”

Chrissy smiles and laughs. “Lilly, you have the best humor of anyone I’ve ever known.”

“Papa laughs too. I think both of you are crazy most of the time.”

“How do you do that?”

“How do I do what?”

“How do you talk about Him like that? Like He’s here in the room? Like He’s so real?”

I shrug. “He is real. He is in the room. He’s Papa.”

“But how did you get a relationship with Him like that? I go to church every Sunday and every Wednesday and I find myself insanely jealous of you when you talk about Him because I want a relationship like what you have.”

I think my therapy session just went haywire.

“Chrissy, it’s all I had. I didn’t have anyone else. I ran from here at seventeen. You and Uriah and everyone had relationships with each other. I had Bo at the time, but he never knew all the things that happened to me. I was alone all the time. I always felt like an outcast. You guys remember things way different than I do.”

“But this relationship you have. It’s so…tangible. I want that.”

“Then have it.”

Chrissy looks at me funny. “But how? How did you do it?”

“I clung to the only thing I could. I have a few business associates, but I don’t have any friends. He’s all I had. He’s all I’ve ever had. Momma and daddy only let me do youth group stuff and anything else was strict. I didn’t get to stay out or play or do anything like you and everyone else so my only friend was Papa.”

“Tell me what I can do to have what you have?”

“Just talk to Him like you would your friends or your husband. When it’s just you and Him. Just talk. Ask Him to sit a spell and then just listen to what He has to say. Sometimes it’s hard to listen ‘cause you got so much going on and you think He’s there to just listen, but He’s not. Sometimes He’s got stuff to say so you have to be quiet.”

“Do you think if your life had been easy your relationship with Papa would be what it is?”

Maybe my therapy session didn’t go as haywire as I think. I take a long breath and ponder a moment. “I don’t know. Maybe. Maybe not. I guess I’ll never know. I wish it could have been the way it is without all the junk I’ve dealt with, but I can’t change anything.”

Chrissy smiles sly. “I’m not saying Papa caused all your mayhem, but maybe He’s using it for something awesome.”

“He’s said that too. Still don’t mean I have to like it.”

“No, you don’t have to like it. Maybe you could talk to Papa some more about letting go and forgiving these people who have wronged you. Not because letting it go or forgiving them makes it right, but because letting it go sets you free.”

“You and Papa talk a lot of crap.”

Chrissy snorts and chokes. When she gets her wind back, she says, “I’ll be glad when you aren’t my patient. I’m serious, though, let them go.” She pauses for a moment. “You want to forget. To let this stuff go and be healed. I think forgiving them will set you free to do just that. I think Papa is right. Maybe you just wash your hands of those memories and next thing you know, you’ll be wondering why you hung on to them for so long.”

I shake my head and look away. “I know in my head, you and Papa are right, but it’s hard to let it go. I’ve held onto it for so long. I didn’t realize until just now, talking with you, just how hard I’ve clung to it. It’s part of what makes me, me. I feel like if I let it go, then I’m letting part of myself go. What if I can’t let it go?”

“The best you can do is try. You might have to let it go a myriad of times before it’s finally gone, but you keep letting it go so you can remain free.”

“But how do I do it?”

“Let Papa tell you who to forgive first. Let Him guide you, that way you’re doing what He wants.”

I swallow hard. “You two are asking a mighty tall order, ya know?”

“I know, but we both love you and want you to be free.” Chrissy looks at the clock. “Time goes so fast when you're in here.”

I pop out of the chair. “Says you.”

Chrissy walks me to the door. “I’ll see you next time, okay? Maybe we can start figuring out why you stabbed your daddy.”

My heart sinks and I think she feels the shift in the mood.

“We’ve already talked about some pretty rough things. That should be a cake walk.”

“What kinda cake you been eating?”

She bear hugs me. “I love you, Lilly.”

“Thanks, Chrissy.” I turn to walk, and I stop. “Chrissy?”

“Yeah?”

“You like being married?”

Her eyebrows rise.

“No, don’t you go thinking anything. I’m just wondering. You being married and all, I was just wondering if it’s what you thought it’d be.”

Chrissy smiles wide. “Yeah, Lilly, it is.”