Broken Like Glass (10 page)

It’s dark when I wake up.
I sit up and look around. The moon is covered by the billowy clouds I’d seen earlier. I don’t know what time it is, where I am, or how to get home. Momentarily, I’m panicked. I haven’t been in these woods since I was little.

I try to remember what things looked like when I pulled myself up on the shore. Was the tree over there? I think really hard. No, it wasn’t. I’d floated downstream. I don’t even know how far either.

I stand and try to get my bearings. I’m as lost as Superman in a warehouse full of telephone booths. What do I do now?

Walk. That’s what I’m going to do. I’m going to walk away from the stream and keep it to my back. I’m going to walk in a straight line and I’ll get to the edge of the road and I’ll be fine.

My plan starts to fall apart after a while. It makes me wish I’d been using my cell phone. I hadn’t used it since I got to town. No point, really. The only people with the number were in Austin and they knew I needed time. What’s the point of a cellphone if no one is calling you? Only, the point is crystal clear now that I’m lost in the woods without one.

I stop walking after my feet are burning. My endurance level is pretty high so I know I’ve been walking for a while when I find a tree and sit with my back against it. The thought hits me that I’m in the woods and there are all kinds of creepy crawlies living here.

There’s nothing I can do about my current situation so I lean my head back against the tree and watch the sky. The clouds are broken so the moon shines through here and there. The wind picks up and I can taste the dirt in my mouth. The ground is still moist from all the rain we’ve been getting.

I wish I’d brought a jacket, but it was too hot when I left the house this morning. The wind picks up again and the trees shimmy. It’s cold. You’d think by the end of May it’d be livable at night, but, again, it’s Texas. Nothing about the weather in Texas makes any sense to me.

The next time the wind blows, I take a deep breath. The air is chilly, but it feels so good in my lungs. I love when the air has a sharpness to it. I don’t necessarily want to stay in it, but I do love it.

The woods are singing, and I relax enough I drift off to sleep again.

My morning is tinged grey when I wake up, on my side, mouth in the dirt. I spit and sputter as I push off the ground. Stretching, I take in my surroundings and I’m still lost. I can hear the stream, but I can’t tell which direction the noise is coming from.

I’m hungry too. I didn’t eat anything the day before, and that soda is long gone. My mouth is dry and I smack it trying to get the juices flowing. There’s no point in sitting here all day so I push off and start walking again.

I walk and I walk and I walk. When I sit the next time, the sun is high in the sky and I can feel the burn in my cheeks. The exertion is getting to me. I’ve had no food or water for a good twenty-four hours. I can’t hear the stream either. Maybe I should have turned around, but by the time I realized that it was too late and I didn’t know where to turn.

My butt starts hurting so I figure it’s time to start walking again. This time I’m less motivated to get anywhere.

Of course, that’s when Uriah Pendleton comes to mind. I’ve known him since I can remember. The first time I saw him, I was in first grade. He was playing with Bo, Misty, and Jenny. I didn’t fit in much. My parents being older I was used to being around older people.

I can speak granny, but I can’t speak the language of people my age. I was always the outsider. I know Uriah thinks I wasn’t, but he doesn’t remember it right. The fringe is where I lived. Just on the outside of everything great.

How Bo and I became best friends, I don’t know. One day we just became friends. I went over to his house and he had matchbox cars and fire trucks and that was it. He had fun toys and he was now my friend. We’d played Batman and Robin, built indoor forts, and watched reruns of Mork and Mindy.

Oh how I loved days he came over to play. Then I realize, he never came to my house to play. Never. Not once. I would play at his house and we would have fun, but when I’d ask if he could come over his momma would say no.

That thought brings me to a dead stop.

His momma and daddy think I’m trash, too. Is a preacher supposed to think someone is trash? I shrug. Why not? They’re people too. They can have likes, dislikes, and opinions just like the rest of us. I’m not mad at the realization. I’m not even hurt. Why, if Bo had been my baby I may not have let him play with me either.

I remember one time, at Bo’s house, his momma caught him wrestling with me. We were maybe thirteen or fourteen. She snatched him up by the ear and pulled him out of the room. I couldn’t hear what was being said through the door, but I could certainly hear the anger in his momma’s voice. After that, our time was spent at school, youth group or with a crowd. I was never allowed back at his house again.

That Texas sun is draining me dry so I start walking again. The lack of food and water take their toll on me and the further I walk the more tired I get. I smell rain as the wind picks up, and it has teeth this time.

When the sun starts disappearing, I look up to find dark clouds have yet again rolled into town. The rain starts quick. One minute it’s dry and the next I can barely see in front of me. There’s no shelter to be seen so I just keep walking the best I can.

Stupid me. That’s right, I’m stupid. I should have sat my butt down the moment the rain started because I don’t go six steps and I trip over something and hear a pop. When I try to stand my ankle gives out and it’s throbbing.

Now, I’m lost, wet, cold, and hurt. It’s also dark, and I’m tired. I lie on the wet ground getting beat by hard rain, and I wonder if anyone misses me.

I hope Uriah or Bo does. I hope they miss me enough to look for me. Then my doubts and fears start plaguing my mind. I told Uriah to leave me alone. I told Bo he deserved better too. They both deserve better than me. It doesn’t mean I don’t want to be wanted anyway. It just means I’m aware that I am no good. Not to them. Not to anyone. I’m not gonna cry this time. There’s no point. If I die in the woods, Uriah and Bo both can move on and find someone worthy of their affection.

Papa, if I’m supposed to die out here, please let them know I cared. I truly cared. I know I was sassy and I had a mouth, but I did care. It’s why I said they deserve better. It’s why I keep pushing them away. I’m okay with dying, Papa. I’m not mad at anyone either.

I talk to Papa until I simply can’t keep my eyes open anymore.

I know when I wake up,
I’m not out in the woods or in my cabin because whatever I’m lying on is soft, clean and smells like lilacs. I’m warm too which is why I know I’m most definitely not in the woods. I see Uriah’s face and I realize I’m at his house.

Then I gather my wits and things seem a little clearer. My throat hurts, and when I breathe it feels like fire racing down into my lungs. I move and it gets Uriah’s attention. He’s gathering me in his arms, holding me so tight I wonder if he’s trying to suffocate me.

I pat him on the back, and say, “It’s okay. I’m okay.” It comes out like a hoarse frog croak.

“Oh, my Lilly,” he says, “you have any idea how worried I was?” It comes out as broken sobs as his lips move against my ear.

“I’m sorry,” I whisper, not because I want to, but because it’s the best I can do.

He keeps me in his bear hug. Almost like he’s afraid if he lets go I’ll disappear. “You were gone two days. It took me and Bo and several others in the town to find you. Bo’s already talked to Judge Kringle.”

“How much trouble am I in?”

“You’re not. Chrissy stood up for you. That was before we realized you were lost. Once we figured it out, Judge Kringle was a real softy.”

“How did you know I was lost?”

“I had a feeling. I just knew you wouldn’t run like that. I knew you were troubled that day when you left Kettlefish. I came by the cabin later that day, and you were nowhere to be found.”

“But how did you know where to look?”

He lets me go, resting me back on the bed, and palms the side of my face. The way he’s looking at me, all worried and sweetness, almost like he can’t believe I’m there, makes me feel gooey. “I came back to the cabin the next day and you were still gone, and as I was driving back to town I saw the little road off to the side. I got out and followed it. I walked until I got to the stream. I just knew you’d jumped in the stream. I went back to town, got Bo, told Fancy and people came out to help. Fancy’s the one who found you.”

“What day is it and where am I?”

“It’s Saturday and you are at my house. Even as tore up as you were, you were fighting when they started talking about taking you to the hospital. So, I offered to let you stay here. Doc Stevens came here. He said your ankle is going to be okay. It was pretty swollen when we found you. You were ice cold too.”

For a moment, I stiffen. I’m in Mrs. Pendleton’s house. If she thinks I’m trash too, then I don’t want to be in her house. It doesn’t make me mad to think that way, just makes me want to not disrespect her and keep my landfill out of her house.

“Lilly, my momma likes you. Always has. You are welcome here, now and anytime.”

I didn’t have to say anything for Uriah to know exactly where my mind was going and what I needed to hear from him. I think to myself, what if he knew all my wickedness? How much better would his comfort be?

Then I think of Papa. That’s how He knows to comfort me. He already knows all my blackness. The darkness that bleeds out the edges with hands that seem to latch onto the people around me. He still loves me. Still wants me.

“You sure?” I ask.

“I’m sure,” Mrs. Pendleton is leaning against the door frame. She’s got one hand on her hip and a hand to her throat, playing with the pendant on the necklace that’s around her neck. “I’ll let you know if something’s bothering me, sugar.”

I look at her. She’s a tall, thin woman. Her face has wrinkles in all the right places and tell a story of a happy woman. She smiles and I know I’ve read it right. The brightness I see in Uriah, I see in her. She loves the way he loves. That’s where he got it from.

“I don’t have any better words than thank you.”

“I don’t need any better words than thank you. You hungry?”

My tummy does the salsa, a few backflips and then growls like a rabid dog.

“I’ll take that as a yes,” she says smiling, pushes off the door and walks away.

Uriah continues to sit on the bed next to me. “She’s going to make biscuits and gravy.”

“Mmmmmm…” But, honestly, left over toe jam would taste good about right now, I think to myself.

“You know how to cook biscuits and gravy?”

“I think I’m the only woman in the world that’s managed to burn water.”

He chuckles. “That is not music to a man’s ear.”

“Then perhaps that man would be better off skipping to the next song.”

“Perhaps that man should be happy with the song he’s got because he’s listening to a song he loves.”

I narrow my eyes at him. “You talk like this to girls when we were in school?”

“I had eyes for one girl, but she was always occupied with someone else.”

“Your eyes must not have been real focused. You sure you don’t need glasses?”

“I can see just fine.”

I’m too tired for all this dancing and crap. The sigh that escapes my lips describes my level of tired without me even speaking.

“I need to let you rest,” he says and moves like he’s going to stand.

I put my hand on his arm. “Uriah, please don’t go.”

He stops in his tracks. “I’ll stay as long as you want.”

The way he looks at me makes me wish with all that’s in me I wasn’t so broken. I don’t know if I’ll ever feel good enough for him and I don’t know if I can love him the way he should be loved. I don’t ever remember experiencing anything like this because there’s nothing in this world I’ve wanted more in my life than Uriah Pendleton. It makes me hurt so deep and so pure I can’t keep myself from crying.

Uriah thinks I’m crying because I was lost in the woods. His face gets this serene look on it, and he picks up my hand. “It’s okay, Lills. You’ve been through a lot.” He wipes my tears, leans down, and kisses my forehead. I know Uriah enough to know it’s nothing but kindness. “You got nothing to worry about here. Get some rest. I’ll wake you up when momma is done with dinner.”

Between my heart, Uriah, and the exhaustion I’m fighting I can’t seem to find peace. The last time me and Papa talked, I felt pretty good. I thought for sure it would stick, but I’m feeling like wax paper and all His talking just sliding off into the waste bin. I close my eyes and start counting, hoping it will put me to sleep. Things get really fuzzy when I hit about forty-two.

Against Uriah’s protests,
and to be fair, my better judgment, I stayed less than a week at Uriah’s house. I insisted on being back at my cabin. The idea that the town lips could be flapping bad stuff about Uriah or his momma bothered me.

I’ve taken up my usual spot on the deck, feet on the railing, watching the woods when there’s a rap on the door, and Bo lets himself in with a yell, “Hello?”

“Hey.” My voice still sounds tired even with all the resting I’m doing.

“How are you doing?”

“I’m fine,” I say and move my ankle. It still hurts pretty bad.

“You missed church tonight.”

“Missed means I was aiming to be there in the first place.”

“You’re not going to come anymore?” he asks as he sits next to me.

“Why? I can judge myself just as harshly as those church folk. I don’t need a choir for backup.”

“Lilly, they’re just…”

“Jerks?”

“Sinners.”

I jerk my head in his direction. “You sure they know that?”

Bo laughs. “I didn’t say they did.”

“Besides, your daddy and momma aren’t wanting my kind in their church.”

“What’s that supposed to mean?”

“It means they’ve always thought bad of me. It’s okay. I understand, but doesn’t mean I want it in my face all the time.”

“No, they don’t.”

“Bo, you remember when we were kids? We would play with your cars and trucks and build forts?”

Bo knits his eyebrows together. “Well, yeah.”

“You ever remember coming to my house?”

I can see him thinking. Under normal, less serious circumstances, I’d be teasing him about smoke coming out of his ears.

“Think about it, Bo. Think real hard.”

“It’s just cause my momma was home more. I had better toys anyway.”

“It’s cause your momma and daddy didn’t like me or my family.”

“That’s not true. Don’t think like that.”

“You remember when we were about thirteen or fourteen. Your momma caught us play wrestling? You remember her yanking you up by your ear and yelling at you?”

What I’m saying starts hitting him like I’m throwing rocks at him and his family.

“I’m not mad, Bo. Not at them, or you or anyone. I’m just saying, your momma thinks you deserve better than the likes of me. I can’t say I don’t agree with her. You deserve better than me.”

“Lilly, she’s just being a mom. She’s always been like that with people. She wants what every mom wants: for their kids to be happy.”

“She wants you happy with someone and that someone is not me.”

“My momma doesn’t get to decide who I love or spend my life with.”

I let out a long sigh. “Bo, n…”

He interrupts me. “No, you listen. When you went missing in the woods, I thought about how it would be if I didn’t have you in my life. It broke my heart. I know we’re friends. I know I don’t want to hurt our friendship, but I can’t keep this any longer. I’ve loved you my whole life. I loved you before I even knew what loving someone meant. Your fiery spirit, your intelligence, and your kindness. All of it. I love all of you. The parts you don’t want anyone to see. The parts you think are hidden.”

I’m staring at Bo wide-eyed. Uriah was right. He’s sweet on me and he’s been sweet on me. I’ve never given him any reason to think it was mutual, but here he is.

“Well, don’t you feel something for me? All those times we would lie on the hood of the car and look at the stars and talk about life? All those times we would hang out after the youth group went home? Don’t you love me too?”

I wilt inside. “Oh, Bo, I don’t. I don’t feel that way for anyone.”

“Uriah.”

“I don’t.”

“Liar. You’re a bald face liar. I know you feel something for Uriah. I just hoped what you felt for me was more.”

I shake my head, stand, and hobble to the corner of the railing. This is not what I planned. I put my hand over my mouth and try to think of words that will comfort my best friend in the whole world. “I don’t love anyone, Bo. I don’t think I can. Not really love them. Not the way they deserve to be loved.”

“You don’t get to judge how someone else feels loved, though, Lilly.”

“Please don’t, Bo. Please don’t. You’re going to get mad at me and I can’t take it right now. I need my best friend. I need you to be my best friend.”

Bo gets up, walks over, and stands directly in front of me. “I want to be more than your best friend, Lilly. I want to be your best friend, and so much more.” He tries to sound tender, but there’s something else there. Something in his voice I’ve heard before. Not from him, but from someone else. It’s not what he’s saying, it's behind what he’s saying.

“Bo, if you really care for me like you’re saying you do, then you’ll love me like I’m asking. Please, just be my friend.”

The corner of his mouth twitches, his forehead creases, and he reaches out and takes my both my arms in his hands. “Do me one favor,” he says and licks his lips. “Kiss me. Kiss me and if you don’t feel anything then I’ll accept being friends. It’ll hurt me like crazy because I’m crazy about you, but I’ll do it.”

I stare at him wide eyed. Kiss him? This isn’t high school and I don’t want to kiss him. The idea turns my stomach. What do I do? Everything inside of me is screaming no, but at the same time, if I kiss him and I don’t feel anything then he’ll be free to find someone who does love him. Someone who will kiss him and see nothing but him when they do.

“All right, but if I don’t feel anything then you’re just my friend and you’ll find a way to be okay with that, right?” Anxiety is flooding my veins. The picture of his lips on mine flashes in my mind and all I want to do is throw up. I don’t know why I’m having this reaction, but I’d almost rather die than kiss Bo.

Bo nods and smiles. Those thin lips and that squishy smile. I close my eyes and I can feel him close to my face. His mouth presses against mine and at first it’s not as bad as I pictured it. It’s just me and him and high school all over again. I don’t feel anything about him other than friendship.

Then the moment shifts when his tongue tries to invade my mouth. I push him back. “I’m sorry, Bo, I can’t. I just can’t.”

He steps closer, wraps his arms around me, and looks at me hard. “You said you’d kiss me.”

“But Bo, you have to feel this isn’t right. It doesn’t feel right. We may love each other, but it isn’t that kind of love. It’s the kind of love that skips rocks, fishes together, or sits on a deck just talking. It’s not the kissing kind of love.”

His body is pressing hard against me. “I want you, Lilly. I’ve wanted you for so long.” He narrows his eyes at me. The way he’s looking at me isn’t the way I want someone to look at me, especially if what they’re wanting is my affection. He’s a hawk and I’m a tiny mouse.

I’m nervous now. This is a side of Bo I’ve never seen. I don’t know how I’m going to get out of this either. My head is swimming and the only thing I can think of is to do what I said I’d do. I’ll have to bleach my mouth after, but I’ll do it. “I said I’d kiss you and I will.”

He smiles this thin, hard smile like he’s won something he’s cheated to get. His mouth is on mine before I can even close my eyes.

I kiss him back. I kiss those nasty, squishy lips. His hands are holding me tight and his slippery tongue is all in my mouth. Disgust splashes at my ankles, hits my waist, and by the time he’s done kissing me I’m under it, gasping for air. I don’t stop kissing him until he’s done with me.

I feel a deep down dirty I haven’t felt in a long time. Those memories that had been trying to scratch at my surface have broken through and now I remember why Mr. Marlin made me feel the way he did. Men, telling me they love me, asking me what I want, and then taking from me what they want regardless of how I feel about it.

“Did you get what you want, Bo?” Every bit of good that tried to find a way into me has been stomped out and all that is left is black and bitter. My darkness is a mountain and the little light that tried to shine is crushed under the weight of it.

Bo looks at me, this puzzled look on his face like he doesn’t know what’s wrong. “Lilly?”

“I don’t feel anything. I don’t love you like that. I will never love you like that. I don’t love anyone and I will never love anyone. All my love. All my goodness. All my lightness died tonight,” I say flatly.

He stumbles back from me and says, “But…”

“You got what you wanted from me, right?”

I see Bo’s posture soften. For a moment, he just stands there looking at me like I’ve slapped him. He opens his mouth to say something and clamps it shut. His chest is heaving in and out and I can feel he’s trying to figure out if he’s hurt or mad.

“I’d like to be alone now if that’s all right by you.”

“I…”

I walk to my chair, sit down, and put my feet on the railing. “Be a dear and shut the door on your way out.”

His shoes clack on the floor and he stops behind me.

I look at him over my shoulder. “Don’t come back, Bo. You and me. Our friendship has come to an end.”

Bo’s shoes clack on the floor all the way to the door. It opens and clicks shut.

Papa tries to talk to me, but I tune Him out. I don’t want to talk to Him now. I don’t know if I’ll ever be able to talk to Him again.