Brothers (41 page)

Altogether there were twenty young men at whom Lin Hong looked more than once, nineteen of whom were infatuated with her. The only one who didn't respond at all was Song Gang. The nineteen who were infatuated with her felt that she clearly meant something when she looked at them. That backward glance, as she was walking away— a glance as rich as a garden overflowing with sensory delights—made their hearts flutter and kept them up at night.

Of those nineteen, eight were married, and they would sigh in disappointment, complaining bitterly that they had made their momentous decision too early in life without having taken the opportunity to sow their wild oats. Of those eight, there were two whose wives were quite ugly, and these two were even more frustrated, waking in the middle of the night completely furious and unable to resist pinching their wives in anger. When their wives woke up from the pain, the husbands would start snoring deeply, pretending to be asleep. One of these men always pinched his wife's thighs, the other her bottom. Both wives were in such pain that they didn't know what to do. When they examined their bruises, they concluded that their husbands must be suffering from a sort of narco-sadism, never suspecting the truth. The women complained incessantly all day, and at night steadfastly refused to sleep in the same bed with their spouses, explaining that it gave them the creeps.

Of the twenty men Lin Hong looked at twice, nine already had girlfriends, and these nine would also sigh incessantly, regretting their own impatience to get a free taste of cow's milk and lamenting that drinking early was not nearly as important as drinking well. They started considering the idea of dumping their girlfriends and running off in pursuit of Lin Hong. Of those nine, eight were swayed by considerations of profits and losses and decided that, although it was true that their girlfriends were not as beautiful and captivating as Lin Hong, they had gone to considerable trouble to court them, seduce them, and bed them. No matter how good Lin Hong might be, she had merely glanced at them twice, unlike their girlfriends, who were safely in hand. These men were of the opinion that a bird in the hand was better than two in the bush. Therefore, even though they were entranced by Lin Hong, they didn't make any concrete advances. Of the nine, these eight were methodical pursuers of love—only the ninth was an opportunistic
pursuer. He began by tentatively placing bets on both horses. One night he slept happily with his current girlfriend and felt emotions as deep as the sea; the following night he secretly bought two movie tickets, hiding one in his inner breast pocket and asking an acquaintance to give the other to Lin Hong on his behalf.

By that point, Lin Hong had become the towns resident Sherlock Holmes and had investigated the personal backgrounds of all twenty of the town s handsome young men. Therefore, she knew that this opportunist who sent her a movie ticket was already living with a girlfriend. Lin Hong didn't reveal any emotion when she accepted the ticket, but her heart skipped a beat as she thought that this was someone who was about to get married yet still dared to make a pass at her. People at that time were still very conservative, and as soon as a couple slept together they were perceived as having lost value. When a new house or new car becomes old, one can only go to a secondhand market to exchange them. Lin Hong knew that the girlfriend of this opportunist was a cashier at the Red Flag fabric store; therefore she went to the store and, while admiring the multicolored fabrics on display, spoke with the girlfriend. Lin Hong took out the movie ticket and handed it to her; then, noting the woman's confusion, explained that the ticket was given to her by the woman's boyfriend. After Lin Hong told this confused and anxious young woman the full truth, she warned her, "Your boyfriend fancies himself Liu Town's resident Don Juan."

This opportunistic lover, it turns out, was none other than Poet Zhao, who was initially quite well respected but later became hopeless and despondent. That evening, unaware of what Lin Hong had done, he went expectantly to the theater. Some even say that he was whistling. Poet Zhao wandered around outside for half an hour, and only when the film had started did he sneak in like a thief. Zhao was going from a bright area to a dark area, so he had to find his seat by feel. He couldn't clearly see the face of the person sitting next to him but thought that it was Lin Hong. He confidently whispered her name a few times, then added that he had known all along that she would come.

Poet Zhao then leaned over and poured out his heart to his companion, still assuming she was Lin Hong. He had not yet finished speaking when he abruptly heard an ear-piercing screech and was rewarded with a few hard slaps to the face. Finding himself suddenly under attack, he had no idea what was happening, and even less how to protect himself. Dumbfounded, he craned his neck and turned toward his
attacker, thereby exposing his entire face to the oncoming slaps. As his girlfriend shrieked in fury she didn't sound like herself, so Poet Zhao didn't recognize her voice and continued to believe that it was Lin Hong who was slapping him. He therefore became very indignant, wondering,
Who in the world flirts like this?
He quietly urged, "Lin Hong, Lin Hong, be careful of your image…"

At this point Poet Zhao's girlfriend screamed, "I'll fucking kill you, philanderer!"

Poet Zhao was finally able to make out his girlfriend's face and fearfully hugged his head as he allowed her to beat the stuffing out of him. The movie that was showing was
The Shaolin Temple.
Later audience members would say that they enjoyed double screenings of
The Shaolin Temple
that night—one starring Jet Li and the other with Poet Zhao. Furthermore, everyone agreed that Poet Zhao's version was more impressive, that his girlfriend was even better than the Wulin master, and that the martial arts she used in cursing and beating Poet Zhao were even more deadly than Jet Li's. From that day on Poet Zhao became notorious, his reputation for wickedness exceeding even Baldy Li's after he was caught peeping at Lin Hong's bottom. Zhao's girlfriend immediately kicked him out and married someone else, and went on to bear her new husband a cherubic son. Though he was deeply regretful, from that point on Zhao never managed to have another girlfriend, let alone a wife. After learning this painful lesson, Poet Zhao waxed lyrical to Writer Liu with a sigh, "They speak of going for wool only to end up shorn. ‘Tis I, ‘tis I."

Writer Liu laughed appreciatively but thought to himself that since he also had designs on Lin Hong, it was really but for the grace of God that he had avoided losing his current wife and ending up like Poet Zhao. Writer Liu patted Poet Zhao's shoulder, then—though it was unclear whether he was congratulating himself or consoling Poet Zhao—he concluded, "It is a wise man who knows his own limitations."

Of the nineteen infatuated men, only two were bona fide bachelors, and these two initiated courtship procedures, both declaring that they had neither a marital history nor even a girlfriend history. One even showed Lin Hong's parents his medical records, which stated that he had no history of mental illness or any other chronic illness. The other, when he learned of this, immediately presented his parents’ medical histories. Spreading them out as if he were unfurling a pair of scroll paintings, he showed Lin Hong's parents that his own parents had no
history of mental illness or chronic illness either. As for himself, he patted his chest and said that he had no medical history at all. He claimed that he had never been sick in his life and in fact didn't even know what it meant to be sick. He said he was so healthy that he had never even sneezed, and that as a child he found it very curious when someone sneezed, thinking that their nose was farting. As soon as he said this, his own nose started to itch and his mouth opened of its own accord. Realizing that he was about to sneeze, he made dramatic gestures as he swallowed the sneeze, looking as if he were gulping down poison. He feigned a yawn and said with embarrassment, "I didn't sleep well last night."

These two bona fide bachelors both paid several visits to Lin Hong's house. Though they saw with their own eyes her tepid response, the polite smiles from Lin Hong's parents inflated their hopes. Already imagining themselves as prospective sons-in-law, these two bachelors started calling Lin Hong's parents Mom and Dad. Covered in goose bumps from embarrassment, the parents demurred, "Don't call us that, don't call us that."

One of the bachelors was comparatively tactful and switched back to calling them Uncle and Auntie. The other, however, was even more obtuse than Baldy Li and continued calling them Mom and Dad, explaining that since he would be calling them that sooner or later, he might as well start now. Lin Hong's parents snapped back, "And who is your dad? Who is your mom?"

Lin Hong despised these two handsome misers, who kept coming to her house empty-handed just before dinner and dawdling in order to get a free meal. It's true that once one of them did give Lin Hong some melon seeds to snack on. He kept reaching into his pocket while they were chatting but waited until her parents retreated to the kitchen to hand her the seeds, looking as if he were giving her some South African diamonds. Lin Hong saw that the seeds were already soaked with the sweat from his palm and mixed with lint from his pocket. Revolted, she turned away, pretending she hadn't seen them, and thought to herself that this oaf was even worse than Baldy Li, if that were possible.

Initially Lin Hong's parents, upon seeing a suitor lingering about when they were ready to eat, would courteously invite him to stay for dinner. After each of these bachelors had had dinner once at Lin Hong's home, he immediately bragged to everyone that he and Lin Hong were officially an item. They would even spice things up a bit,
one boasting that Lin Hongs mother had served him personally, the other claiming that Lin Hong had fed him with her own spoon. The bachelors even asked their friends to help spread the stories of their romantic adventures with Lin Hong. Their friends, however, suspected that none of this was true; and while it would have been easy to simply repeat the stories, they would lose face if Lin Hong disavowed them. The two bachelors, however, saw things differently, and upon hearing each other making up preposterous stories, they felt the need to make even more outlandish claims so as not to fall behind. Even if they fell short in the end, they nevertheless felt that to have courted Lin Hong in the first place was definitely something to be proud of and would certainly raise their personal worth—which would come in handy in courting other girls.

These two sensationalizers finally encountered each other on the street. As one of them was proudly recounting stories of his romantic adventures with Lin Hong, the other, walking by, couldn't stand it anymore and shouted, "Bullshit!"

The two then stood there in the middle of the street and proceeded to curse each other, spittle flying everywhere. Everyone watched as they simultaneously rolled up their left sleeves, then their right. The onlookers retreated to give them room, fearing that a fierce battle was about to erupt. The two suitors then squatted down and rolled up their pants legs, exciting the onlookers even more. Everyone was certain that they were about to put up a ferocious fight, a fight for the ages. After the two had rolled their pants legs up above their knees, they noticed that they now had nothing left to roll up, but they still didn't come to blows; rather, they continued cursing each other as before, the only difference being that now they wiped the spittle from their mouths with more intensity.

As everyone was waiting with anticipation Baldy Li appeared on the scene. Having just given Tao Qing his work report over at the Civil Affairs Bureau, he was on his way to the Good Works Factory when he saw a huge crowd of people. He pulled one of the onlookers aside and asked what was going on. With a certain degree of exaggeration the person exclaimed, "World War Three is upon us!"

Baldy Li's eyes glittered, and he shoved his way through the crowd. When the people of Liu Town caught sight of him, they became even more excited, saying that now there was sure to be a great show, that what had already been a competition between two heroes had now
become, with the arrival of Baldy Li, a
Romance of Three Kingdoms.
Hearing the two men—fingers pointed at each others chests and spittle flying everywhere—each claiming Lin Hong as his own, Baldy Li immediately erupted in a fury and launched himself between them. Grabbing each by the collar, he roared, "Lin Hong is
my
girlfriend!"

The two suitors hadn't expected Baldy Li to appear and immediately stopped in shock. Baldy Li roared again as he released the one on his right and swung his fist at the one on his left, giving him a black eye. Then he proceeded to give the one on his right a black eye as well. That morning Baldy Li ended up beating both men so badly that they were left moaning in anguish. The onlookers were now so giddy that they repeatedly stomped their feet, sensing that this was even better than returning to the Three Kingdoms period and watching Cao Cao beat up Liu Bei and Sun Quan. Several onlookers became so frenzied that they imagined themselves to be the famous
Three Kingdoms
strategist Zhuge Liang and urged the two suitors to join forces and attack Baldy Li together. One onlooker pointed at one of the suitors and shouted battlefield strategies at him as though he were Liu Bei: "Join forces with the Kingdom of Wu to defeat the Kingdom of Wei! Join with Wu to defeat Wei!"

After Baldy Li beat the two so badly that their heads started spinning, the crowds calls became increasingly muffled, though Baldy Li's shouts could still be clearly made out. He continued to pound them mercilessly while at the same time submitting them to a policelike interrogation: "Tell me, quick, whose girlfriend is Lin Hong?"

Both responded with their last breath, saying, "Yours, yours."

The onlookers shook their heads in disappointment, saying, "They are both hopeless."

Baldy Li shoved the two aside and glared at the onlookers. Those who had just been pretending to be Zhuge Liang were so terrified that they tucked their heads in and retreated, not daring to say another word. Baldy Li waved at the onlookers, warning them, "If anyone dares to claim that Lin Hong is his girlfriend, I will beat him so badly he won't even be reincarnated."