Brownie and the Dame (14 page)

Two minutes later both children peeped around the corner of the door to the living room. Bubba was back on the couch. Miz Demetrice leaned over him and said, “You’re sure about this?”

“Shore,” he agreed. “What kind of trouble could they be?”

“Plague, pestilence, apocalypse,” Miz Demetrice named easily. “The boy seems to attract it. The girl is right behind him.”

“Not
right
behind you,” Janie disagreed in a low voice from right behind Brownie. Miz Demetrice, and Bubba did not hear her.

“I’ll make certain they stay on the estate,” Bubba said. “We’ll go fishing or something. Chase down treasure hunters or such. Say, Ma, have you seen my dog?”

“Precious was in the kitchen this morning,” Miz Demetrice said thoughtfully. “I let her out a little while later. You’re going to have to put that hound on a diet.”

“She’s been acting out of sorts lately,” Bubba noted.

“She fits right in this family, then, doesn’t she?”

“That’s true.”

Brownie tugged Janie away from the door. “We need some supplies for our attack, cupcake,” he said.

“Do we get to blow something up?”

“Maybe.”

“The law is more lenient on juveniles than on adults,” Janie stated. “So if I break the law now, it’ll be covered by my minor status later. In other words, let’s go do something illegal.”

“We’re goin’ to catch the dastardly perpetrator of the missing items,” Brownie said. Normally, he’d be overjoyed at Janie’s sudden desire to commit felonious activities, but he had other things on his mind. “Miz Adelia needs her spatula back. Heck, Mrs. McGee said those were her very favorite boulder holders. Lissa was crying about the p-p-penguin.” He paused. “I don’t think Kiki cared one way or the other about the cherry tree.”

“We can catch the perpetrator and do something illegal at the same time?” Janie said hopefully.

“Have you ever ripped the ‘Do Not Remove’ tag off a mattress?”

“No.”

“We’ll start with that.”

* * *

The two children spent most of the day avoiding Bubba, which wasn’t hard. Bubba was still moving at half-speed. He didn’t really want to go fishing, and he wasn’t interested in pursuing trespassers on the Snoddy Estate. He did perk up when Willodean Gray called but slumped back on the couch.

“Janie,” Bubba said at suppertime, “does your auntie like me?”

Brownie imitated a fake gagging reflex.
That isn’t like regular cooties. That’s ATOMIC cooties!

“Boy, I’m goin’ to snatch you bald,” Bubba warned Brownie.

“She goes out with you, right?” Janie said innocently.

Miz Demetrice and Miz Adelia had mysteriously vanished just before supper. In corroboration with their absence, there was an uncanny silence as the telephone stopped ringing.

“I mean, ifin a fella has a few…issues, Willodean wouldn’t hold that against him, would she?” Bubba asked.

“If a fella had a first degree felony conviction, Auntie Wills wouldn’t be happy with it,” Janie offered. Bubba appeared confused. Janie added, “Murder, kidnapping, assault with a weapon, and the like.”

That made Bubba think hard. Brownie seemed to recall that his cousin had a run-in with an Army officer once upon a time that might have been considered felonious.

“What about lesser felonies?”

“I think Auntie Wills knows all about your past, Bubba,” Janie said. “I think if she had a problem with it, she wouldn’t go out with you at all.” She thought about it. “She also might shoot you. Heck, she smashed you over your head and still kissed you, didn’t she?” The expression on her face denoted her sincerity and certainly the sincerity of her aunt.

“How about ifin things just…keep happening to me?” Bubba waved his hand in the air like it was a magic wand. “Stuff. You know.”

“Did you make the bomb and cause that bomb to explode yesterday, Bubba?” Janie asked in the frank manner of a detective. Brownie was impressed despite himself. Time and time again Janie had proven her worth as an investigator and detective. She might be a girl, but she was a smoking-cool girl.

“Of course not,” Bubba said. “I’d have to be nuttier than squirrel’s poopoo to do something stupid like that.”

“Auntie Wills knows that.”

Bubba shifted on the chair in the kitchen. He grunted.

“You okay, Bubba?” Brownie asked. “You seem like someone stole your candy.”

“I got bruises on my bruises, boy.” Bubba moved gingerly. “I dint realize that ifin something blows up right near you, you go soaring through the air, and I ain’t had access to a flying trapeze.”

“Dint the doctor give you some pain medication?” Brownie asked, and he tried like heck to imitate Janie’s innate air of innocence.

Bubba eyed him doubtfully. “It’s on the counter. Bring me the bottle and a glass of water, would ya?”

“Shore,” Brownie smiled and went to do just that.

They watched as Bubba downed the water and the pills. Then they moved into the living room and put
Creature from the Black Lagoon
into the DVD player and watched as the girl in the white bathing suit swam across the surface of the Black Lagoon, and the creature followed her like a puppy dog.

“You’d think she’d look down,” Brownie said. There wasn’t any blood and guts in the movie. In fact, the movie was in black and white. The beginning had a shot of a ripped-up tent with a suggestion of blood and guts, but they just kept showing the reaching clawed hand and playing DAH-DAH-DAH music until the swimming scene. Then there was a lot more DAH-DAH-DAH music. Brownie didn’t think it was all that DAH-DAH-DAH!

“She’s swimming in a
black
lagoon,” Janie said. “It’s blackity black black. She can’t see down.”

“I could see down. Also I’d have a machine gun with me in the lagoon. A fella’s got to be prepared. That’s what Scout Leader Marlon Tarterhouse always says. Plus, a flamethrower wouldn’t work underwater. ”

“A machine gun wouldn’t fire in water,” Janie said with supreme knowledge.

Brownie tossed her a glance.
Dang, she probably would know, too
.

“The creature likes her,” Janie said wistfully. “It probably just needs a big huggie.”

Brownie crossed his arms over his chest. “I’m goin’ to toss up a sidewalk pizza, and Auntie D. is goin’ to kill me. Bubba, don’t you think— ”

There was a resounding snore for an answer.

Both Janie and Brownie turned their heads in perfect concert to look at Bubba. His head had fallen onto the back of the couch. His mouth was open, and his hands rested palm up at his sides. He didn’t look very comfortable.

“He ain’t dead, right?” Brownie asked.

“He wouldn’t be snoring if he was dead,” Janie scoffed.

Brownie shrugged. “Just don’t seem right around here ifin someone ain’t dead.”

Janie shrugged. Brownie knew she couldn’t argue with that.

“Bubba?” Brownie said. “It’s a pure-D shame I ain’t got access to my Sharpies.”

Bubba snored again.

Brownie moved a little closer and said in Bubba’s ear, “Bubba?”

Janie moved in on the other side of the couch. She said into the opposite ear, “Bubba, you’ve got a booger.”

“Big one,” Brownie added. “Green with black speckles. It’s hanging down from your nose like a plumb-bob. Pretty disgusting. It’s a booger chandelier.”

Bubba didn’t move.

“There’s one of those creepy-crawlie bugs wiggling over your cheek, Bubba,” Janie said. “You know, the kind that burrows under.”

Brownie said, “Lays its eggs under the skin, too.”

Bubba didn’t move. In fact, he snored again. His lips fluttered as the air passed through.

“Is he fooling us?” Janie asked.

“I think that medicine was heavy-duty,” Brownie said. “Plus he took four when he only should have taken two.”

“Why the heck did he do that?”

“Prolly cause he thinks since he’s a big fella he needs twice as much.” Brownie pointed. “Daddy does that, too. Had to take him to the ‘mergency room last year on account that he mixed aspirin, Tylenol, and Midol. Ma was fairly mad. She said it made her tushie want to chop stove wood. Look at the way he’s sitting. He must have landed on his tuckus after the explosion happened.”

Janie nodded. She observed Bubba carefully as if she was detecting him. Her eyes narrowed speculatively. Suddenly she yelled into his ear, “BUBBA!”

Bubba snorted suddenly and turned his head away. He muttered, “Purt shore that’s a blue camel pole-jumping a herd of purple hyenas.” His eyes didn’t open, and his head lolled back onto his shoulder.

Brownie nodded appreciatively. He glanced at the movie. “We’re just goin’ to check out the Moose Lodge for our perpetrator, Bubba, while you watch the rest of the
Creature from the Black Lagoon
. Don’t say nothin’ ifin that’s okay with you, Bubba.”

Bubba didn’t say nothin’.

Brownie stood up. “And there we go.”

* * *

They made it to the Moose Lodge just in time to see a group of older women disappearing inside. Although the parking lot was still empty, there was activity from inside the building. They could hear the muffled boom of a stereo system and occasional incessant laughter.

Brownie and Janie parked their bicycles on the far side of the lot. The sun was starting to go down, and Brownie wondered if they had missed the perpetrator’s criminal activity.
Those dang grown-ups and all of their stupid rules
.

They hunkered down and waited. Janie surveyed the area. “It might be one of those ladies who went inside.”

“Hey, ain’t that your aunt?”

Sure enough, Willodean Gray came walking up and went inside, too.

“See,” Janie said, “up to something, too. I’m going to tell Grandma.”

“Could be perfectly innocent,” Brownie suggested.

A blackened shape sidled up to them and whined. “Oh hey girl,” Brownie said. Precious leaned in for a scratch. “What are you doin’ here? Did Auntie D. bring you?”

“If it’s perfectly innocent, then why all the sneaking around?” Janie temporarily gave over both of her hands to make Precious’s back leg twitch in grateful happiness.

“Dames,” Brownie said derogatorily. “Who can say why they think the way they think?”

“You mean, grown-ups,” Janie snapped. Precious made a noise as if someone had taken away her favorite chew-toy.

“Right. Grown-ups. Them, too.” Precious yipped, and both children went back to the business of making a dog drool.

There was an uncomfortable silence for a minute. Brownie was aware that he had messed up, but he was unsure of the most suitable way to fix it. His father would buy his mother flowers and a box of Godiva chocolates for those not-so-infrequent occasions when he would screw up in a spectacular way. Brownie didn’t want to buy Janie flowers or chocolates. He dug in his pocket and offered her an open, half-empty roll of Life Savers.

Janie took it and grunted at him. “I like the cherry ones,” she said with a sniff.

He took it back and ripped the paper away until he found a cherry one. Then he offered it to her.

Then he gave a pineapple one to Precious who licked it twice, shook her head, and trotted away.

Then he showed Janie how to make a whistle with a long stem of grass. The impromptu how-to session and Lifesavers weren’t flowers and chocolates, but it seemed to work.
I’ll have to tell Pa about it.

They sat in the grass and whacked some enterprising insects away. The fireflies came out, and Brownie caught three more than Janie.

As they were letting fireflies loose, a group of women came shrieking out of the building.

Brownie and Janie stared. As far as the two children could tell, nothing was on fire, or no one was bleeding, nor was there a rabid serial killer with a machete chasing them. The women howled like African monkeys and ran around the building in a counter-clockwise manner. They were all dressed to the nines. One woman had on a strapless, sequined, full-length gown that sparkled brilliantly. Others had large hats on with the plumage of a giant extinct dinosaur bird. One woman had transparent high heels on that looked as if goldfish were swimming in them.

Brownie narrowed his eyes.
They
are
goldfish
. “How did she get the goldfish in the heels?”

Janie frowned. “Dang. They
are
goldfish.”

The last one around was a woman with a walker. She had a large round hat on that would have shaded her from the sun, and she had a mink stole wrapped around her neck, but neither dissuaded her from efficiently using the walker. She lagged behind, but the others came back to encourage her. Even Miz Demetrice, Miz Adelia, and Willodean participated.

Thelda held up her iridescent pink skirts while she ran and she yelled, “Thou wanton, shrill-voiced strumpets!” The paintball gun bounced at her side, the strap still around her neck and shoulder.

Janie said, “Are they nuts?”

“
Skirts
,” Brownie said, but secretly he wanted to go shriek and run around the building, too.
Looks like fun to me.