Bunny Tales (28 page)

Hef’s Birthday Party

In April we celebrated Hef’s birthday all month long. Whatever clubs we attended on a regular basis would each hold a party for Hef—sometimes we attended three birthday bashes a week! They all tried to outdo each other with the cakes: Hef as a Simpsons character, a caricature of Hef, Hef with the girls. But the main event was, of course, Hef’s birthday party at the Mansion, which was my second favorite of all of the parties. I find that a lot of interesting people tend to show up to wish Hef a happy birthday, including celebrities who do not attend our other parties. In addition, Hef’s birthday party is one of the two annual parties that are limited to 500 people, and it feels more intimate. Our table is located right at the entrance, so we get to see everyone who comes in.

As for the décor, it varies. For Hef’s seventy-sixth birthday pajama party, the Mansion was transformed into an art deco old Hollywood, where new Hollywood players Snoop Dogg, Drew Barrymore, David Schwimmer, Matthew Perry, Gavin Rossdale, and Kiefer Sutherland mingled with scantily clad women. After an early-evening screening of the James Cagney movie
Footlight Parade
with fifty of his closest friends, Hef emerged from the Mansion’s screening room to join the beautiful crowd with us by his side.

My favorite was when Snoop Dogg showed up at the party with the pimp Don Magic Juan. They had on their pimpest outfits and carried their own blinged-out chalices. Emma and I snuck away from our table the first chance we had to look for Snoop, and we found him outside sitting at one of the tables.

“What’s up Snoop? Welcome to our house!” we said.

“Wuz up, baby girl!”

Snoop then asked us if we cared for a smoke, and of course we said yes. He then proceeded to roll and pass over what looked like a cigar. Emma and I giggled before we even took a puff. Snoop ruled. He was so cool. He came back to the Mansion again to film an episode of
Doggy Fizzle Televizzle
and brought with him these election stickers that said “Hef/Dogg 2004: A finer, hotter nation.” It was hilarious.

Besides Snoop, my favorite person to see at Hef’s birthday party was Jack Nicholson. He was standing in the corner of the dining room when I saw him. I think he was a bit overwhelmed by all of the attention and left fairly quickly.

Hef’s party dress code was lingerie. Like with the other parties, anything goes really, but it was not as wild as Mardi Gras, not as whimsical as Midsummer Night’s, and less formal than New Year’s Eve. We usually wore something sexy and romantic—lots of lace and frills. One year, inspired by the Pussycat Dolls, I sported a faux-mohawk and dressed up my outfit with fishnets, stripes, stars, and bows. I think it was bit much for Hef, but the guests seemed to like it. On Hef’s actual birthday, we would go out to dinner unless the party fell on that date. The toughest thing about Hef’s birthday was getting him a birthday present. What do you get a man who has everything? Most of the time, we would get Hef photos of ourselves. In 2002, Emma, Lea, and I gave a him a photo of the three of us that he absolutely loved, and it became one of his favorites; he even put it in
Playboy’s
“Hanging with Hef ” section. It was a photo of the three of us naked, but posing in such a way that nothing was revealed. I was in the center, and Lea and Emma were on either side of me. Our hair was long enough to cover our nipples and our bodies were posed sideways so that nothing at all showed. It was a sexy yet subtle and elegant photo. Hef hung it up in an alcove with a light above it, located at the top of the stairs of the second floor. I heard it has since been replaced and stored away. Some of the other things Hef would get were stuffed animals. It wasn’t really worth getting him anything else because he is so set in his ways that introducing new things never worked. We usually did a group photo for his birthday, which was enlarged and displayed in the great hall so that Hef and the guests could see it upon arrival.

Midsummer Night’s Dream Party

This is the party of the year, the most famous of Mansion parties. Every August, the Midsummer Night’s Dream bash is the hottest ticket in Tinseltown. The theme of the party is fantasy, and the Mansion is transformed into a magical place. As the guests arrive, they see the Mansion sparkling in pink lights. As they enter, they see colorful flowers—the pool area is surrounded by plants, with flowers floating in the pool and beautiful mermaids lounging on the rocks surrounding the pool. The guests lounge on a veritable sea of colorful satin pillows, snacking on food from the sumptuous buffets. In 2003, the Mansion was turned into Mermaid Island for the annual bare-what-you-dare bash. A year later, it was a Greek bacchanal theme, where the lush grounds were decorated with giant statues of Greek goddesses and decorative flute-playing satyrs. This party seems to attract the most celebrities—not necessarily the most interesting ones, but the largest number. At 8 p.m., the gates were opened to a thousand friends—Playmates, Girlfriends, and celebrities, including Jenny McCarthy, Jimmy Kimmel, Sarah Silverman, Nikki Ziering, Tommy Lee, Michelle Rodriguez, Fred Durst, Marilyn Manson, J.C. Chasez, Leonardo DiCaprio, Tobey Maguire, Matthew Perry, Ali Landry, Jamie Foxx, Owen Wilson, Drew Carey, and Drew Barrymore. And to top off the star-power for the evening, Britney Spears arrived fashionably late. As testament to the party’s desirability, Mansion security worked double duty with Bel-Air Police to corral all the crashers who tried in vain to scale the walls. After all, you have some of Hollywood’s biggest names, rock stars, and hundreds of gorgeous women prancing about in the skimpiest of sleepwear.

It was to this party in 2002 that Stacy Burke wore the horse outfit with a gag in her mouth. Stacy is into fetish and bondage. I cannot help but laugh as I recall this; it was an ongoing joke among all of us. The girl was wearing a white lingerie outfit with a tail and hooves, and she had a gag in her mouth the whole night. It was over the top. We had never-ending fun with that, and soon after that, we voted her out of the group. So even though the Mansion is an open fantasy atmosphere, the fantasies do have their limits. It is not a free-for-all freak show.

Also at the same party, I met a couple who had paid $40,000 on eBay for an invitation. I went up to them and said, “I’m Hef’s Girlfriend. Is there anything I can do to help make this experience worthwhile? You paid so much money to be here.” They looked at each other and smiled. Then the wife said, “Yeah, you could go down on me!” I was speechless; I had been thinking more like an exclusive tour of the house. I laughed nervously and quickly walked away, mortified.

Then the busty British sexpot Jordan got totally wasted. She kept asking Hef if she could become a Girlfriend. Holly was getting jealous, and the whole thing was hilarious. But then Jordan began passing out on the table and we had to take her upstairs where she immediately crashed. We couldn’t wake her up, and we were scared. She could have taken something; we didn’t know. We called a doctor, but she turned out to be fine. I think she was just dealing with a lot of stress because her first baby had just been born blind. Jordan was really nice, and I wished she stayed longer. She flew back to the U.K. the next day with a bag full of Hello Kitty stuff for her bathroom.

Then there was a girl who tried out for Playmate and who played hard to get with Hef. When he lost interest, she tried anything to get into the group. I remember sitting at our table during the party talking to another Girlfriend when she suddenly grabbed my arm. “Will you kiss me?” she said with a heavy Southern twang. All I could think was, “Eww, no,” but I politely told her I could not. She ran off to the kitchen, crying to the butlers that she had been rejected. The freaks we had to put up with for Hef! There were some girls who really thought that most of the Girlfriends were into other girls, but that was simply not true. That party was a trip; it was one freak after another.

Halloween Party

The Halloween party at the Mansion is the most lavishly produced party, and it is amazing. It is my favorite party of the year! The usually tranquil Playboy Mansion is transformed into a wicked house of horrors. The decorations are incredible. In the front yard, we had personalized tombstones, and they are hilarious. Emma’s said “Stoned to Death,” Roxy, who is from the South, had one that said, “Too much Southern Comfort,” while Susan’s said, “From Neiman Marcus to Rigor Mortis.” Mine was boring, it said, “Legally Blonde.” Maybe it would have made more sense if it said, “Pronounced Legally Blonde”? The rooftop gargoyles glared from their perches, looking awesome flapping their wings. Monsters jumped out of the bushes, a gigantic, robotic alien monster invaded the front lawn, and dismembered corpses oozed blood from guillotines along the driveway. The great hall is transformed into the “Hall of Heads,” and the walls are ringed with fanged ghouls, blood-soaked monsters, and bug-eyed freaks.

One of the scariest, and most popular, diversions at the party was a horrifying haunted house constructed on the tennis court, which featured killer clowns, axe-wielding psychopaths, the Exorcist, and Freddy. I am not easily frightened, but Hef’s haunted house is no joke—definitely not made by amateurs. Every year we began the party by walking through it and holding each others’ hands tightly, while the camera crews from various news stations and entertainment shows like
Access Hollywood
,
Extra
, or
Entertainment Tonight
followed us and captured every scream and terrified look. Then they showed it on the late night news. It was a lot of fun.

Another great thing about the Halloween party is the costumes. All of the girls and all of the guests really go out of their way to dress up; no homemade stuff, this is the real deal. In 2001, I spent Halloween with Hef before I actually joined the group; I dressed up as a ballerina; it was actually a really cute one-of-a-kind costume. Unfortunately, that is the infamous party when I did my own makeup (before I learned the tricks of the trade). I got completely drunk, and all of the pictures from that party are horrible. The years after that I was a “Sexy Biker Chick” and the “Rite of Spring”—I just wore some flowers on my underwear and bra. Truthfully, we tended to choose costumes not based on the theme but on which ones we looked hot wearing. As for the guests, the Halloween party attracted the crème de la crème of Hollywood. At the 2002 party, I saw an actor I had always thought was good-looking. I caught him checking me out, so I walked up and introduced myself. He then introduced me to his beautiful wife; I didn’t know he was married. We chatted, and I went on my way. Later on, they found me and gave me
their
number, just in case I wanted to “hang out” with the both of them. That was the first time I had been propositioned by a couple. (It was before the eBay couple.) They were both gorgeous and I was flattered in a way, but I was and still am way too chicken for things like that; I smile every time I see him on television.

Besides the five major parties, there are also a number of smaller gatherings such as Easter Day festivities, and the Fourth of July celebration. The Fourth of July celebration is a daytime party. It’s a fun day with lots of celebrities stopping by, and a lot of Playmates show up; people are playing volleyball, swimming, or discovering the rest of the property. There are old-fashioned popcorn stands, ice cream stands, and all sorts of goodies you would find at a fair. In the evening, there is a buffet dinner, and around 9 p.m. when it got dark, we would have the fireworks. Hef is the only person in the city who has a private permit for a fireworks show, and it is always fantastic. The presentation starts off with a story about independence, followed by a salute to all of the branches of the military, and finally the fireworks start while beautiful patriotic songs are played in the background. It’s all very touching; it makes you reflect on what this country stands for, and for someone who wasn’t born here, like me, it fills me up with respect, admiration for America’s beginnings, and a love for the American spirit. There are other firework displays that are bigger and brighter, but together with the songs and the atmosphere, so far the best Fourth of July I have been at has been at Hef’s.

Easter at the Mansion is also a lot of fun because Hef has an annual egg hunt. The festivities start at noon, when all of the celebrities and Playmates arrive with their children. Hundreds of decorated empty eggshells are scattered around Mansion grounds, and prizes are awarded to the top gatherers. Hef announces the winners while the Girlfriends hand out the prizes. Everyone is dressed casually; we always wore pastel sun dresses. After the egg hunt, the children and adults would enjoy the petting zoo, ice cream and popcorn, and many other treats. Every child also left with an Easter basket full of sweets and toys. In the evening, there is a buffet dinner and a movie.

Also, not many people know that on many nights, the patio, pool, and backyard area (but not the grounds or the Grotto) are rented out for $10,000 per night for private parties. Hef agrees to come down and mingle with the guests and have his photo taken—like a prince or prime minister from one of those tiny European principalities who interrupts the affairs of state to greet the tour buses. It was all a little tacky, but I’m sure it went a long way toward defraying the costs of Hef’s exorbitant lifestyle, which was a constant source of contention with the Playboy board of directors, particularly his daughter Christie. Hef argued that this was the best advertising money can buy—branding the company name and marketing directly to their demographic—anyone who secretly wanted to be Hef.

When security finally kicked everyone out, the attendees waited for the shuttle bus right under our windows. I remember how much it sucked to be drunk and exhausted, trying to fall asleep, people were screaming for hours right under our bedroom windows. And just when we fell asleep, the trucks arrived at 5 a.m. to take away all of the chairs and tables. They piled them up on the metal base of the truck as our nervous systems rattled. It was morning when we finally fell asleep. When we woke up, there was no sign that a party had gone on the night before, except that the grass was a little flat where the stage and the tent stood.