Burnt (19 page)

At some point Kaie started washing and dressing himself. A short time after that Peren took him to the stables again. He didn’t know how many days he missed but none of the men commented on his absence. Stephen put him in charge of the feed again. He thought the stable master shot him a few sideways glances, maybe smiled at him a little more. But it was probably his imagination.

When lunch came, so did she. They sat together on t
he bales. When the day was over she was waiting for him. She wrapped his hand in both of hers and led him back to her home. He ate when she gave him food. The tangerine was gone and the rest was tasteless, but it didn’t matter. When he was done he laid down under the blanket. He didn’t fall asleep until she was next to him again.

Kaie wasn’t sure how many nights he was there when the nightmares started. He woke in a cold sweat, feeling Amorette’s blood spilling through his fingers. He stared up at the ceiling, gasping and waiting for the tightness in his chest to fade. Peren’s fingers
entwined with his. He held her hand tight, worried he might hurt her but unable to loosen his grip. Eventually he fell asleep again. If he dreamed more, he didn’t remember it.

Vaughan
came to see them some mornings after that. He brought vegetables and clothes. He and Peren spoke in hushed tones but he didn’t think they were trying to keep him from hearing. It didn’t matter if they were. Kaie wasn’t listening. He knew there were things he was supposed to worry about. But they didn’t matter.

The nightmares came every night
, as if now that he let them in, they wouldn’t go away. Some nights it was just Amorette’s blood. Some nights it was the burning log. Once it was the weight of Amorette’s corpse.

That morning was one where Vaughan came to see them. He stayed for longer than usual. He even tried speaking to Kaie. Kaie knew that’s what he was doing, but he didn’t hear any of the words. It should bother him, but it didn’t. Finally, the boy gave up. His head dropped and his shoulders hunched. Then he stood and walked away.

After Vaughan left, Peren sat down beside him. She didn’t put food in his hands. She didn’t wrap the blanket around him. He didn’t know what she wanted him to do. He waited but all she did was sit. And then she cried.

The sound of her soft sobs sent a s
hiver through him. For a second Kaie was back in that moment. The one where he swung and a man died. With effort, he fought his way free. He knew what came next, knew he couldn’t handle reliving it. Not now. He didn’t want to think but he needed to. It was so much easier, just falling back into another vision. But Peren was crying and he needed to know why.

“Are you hurt?”

His voice was jagged and hoarse. Startled by the sound, Kaie realized it was days, maybe more, since he used it last. Peren gasped then fell into a fit of coughing. Not knowing what to do, Kaie waited it out, watching her face closely for any sign that she was in danger of choking.

She got her coughing under control qu
ickly. The tears didn’t go away but they mingled with a strange, strangled laugh. She caught one of his hands up in hers and pressed it against her cheek. “You’re here!”

He glanced ar
ound the room, confused. “Yes…was I somewhere else?”

Peren nodded. “For a while.”

Kaie shook his head. He didn’t understand. But that wasn’t important. “You’re crying. He hurt you. Are you ok?”

“He…” Her eyes widened. “You mean when I was attacked. Yes, I’m ok. I was just sad.
And a little scared.”

He frowned. “Because of me. Because of how I’ve been?”

She nodded and released his hand. Peren’s head dropped for a moment, her hair closing around her face. Kaie felt more awkward than she was. He remembered his time with her but it was foggy. Like a dream. And now he didn’t know what to do to make her stop crying.

“Hey.
” He gathered her up into his arms. She was so tiny. Half his size. He remembered her holding him but couldn’t figure out how she possibly managed it. “It’s ok. Peren, I’m ok.”

She slid into his lap, folding her legs up and pressing the side of her face against his chest. It was his turn to stroke her head as she sorted out if she was laughing or crying. The end result seemed to be some sort of odd hiccup that shook her entire frame for several minutes.
“You were so lost,” she whispered. “I didn’t know how to find you.”

Kaie pulled in a slow breath. The first weeks, when Amorette wouldn’t speak
a word… Even if he didn’t love her, it would hurt. Being so alone. And he did it to Peren. How many nights? How long did he put her through that? He rested his head against the top of hers. “I’m sorry. Gods, I’m so sorry. Please, don’t cry.”

She wiped her eyes with the back of her hand and
sucked her nose, snot making a strange honking sound. Slowly, she slid away and put herself back in order. He watched, oddly fascinated. Her tears stopped. A pressure in his chest eased. She wiped her eyes one more time and flipped her hair back out of her face. He took that as the cue she was better.

“How long
since…?”

“
Three weeks.” It felt like longer. It felt like forever. “Are you really ok?”

Kaie thought about it. Thought about reaching into the fire and swinging the log. The crack as it connected. The way the man slumped down. The way Amorette cackled. The way her blood felt as it trickled through his fingers. “No.
”

She laughed
again. It didn’t sound happy. “No. You’re not. You wanted to go back out into the storm and I stopped you.”

His brows knit. “You knew?”

“Yes.” She stared up at him, and Kaie saw the tears still waiting there. He cringed. So much damage. All because of him. “I’m not letting you give up. Do you hate me?”

He shook his head. “Not you.”
Kaie wondered if he was going to be hearing that question for the rest of his life. He looked down at his hands, a little surprised to find them clean of any blood. They should be stained. “What did I miss?”

“
A lot of snow. Earlier, a few of the kids are fighting with balls of it. I watched them while Vaughan talked to you. It seemed like fun.”

In spite of everything caught up in his head, Kaie discovered he was s
miling. Imagining her out there throwing snow balls at little children was funny. Her choosing that to share out of everything else that must be going on was funnier. “You should play.”

She was up in an instant, managing not to hit him a single time. She tugged her shirt, straightening out some wrinkles, and then held out her hand. “You’re coming with me.”

Kaie hunched his shoulders up nearly to his ears, crossing his arms over his chest. “I’m ok.”

She rolled her eyes, a smile dancing on her lips. “
You told me that already. Come on. Throw handfuls of snow at small children with me.”

He snickered, c
ouldn’t help it. “Go,” he urged. “Have fun. I’ll be here.”

She shook her head and grabbed one of his hands, tugging until he unfolded it and stood up. “
You’ll be out there. I’m not going without you.”

She dragged him forward. Kaie shuffled behind,
all those weeks of practice making it more habit than a decision to cooperate. He didn’t want to go outside, to play in the snow. Just thinking about it filled him with dread. But he owed her. Three weeks. He couldn’t say no. Not if it would make her happy.

It was worse. As bad as he expected it to be, the reality was worse. All that snow
. Pristine white drifts. In the corner of his eye, he saw dark red spreading across it. But when he turned to look it was still just white.

Kaie sucked in one sharp breath. Two. His body tensed, ready to run back inside. He stumbled. Where was Peren? Wasn’t she just holding his hand?
He was going to fall in the snow. He was going to feel that awful chill deep in his chest, and then he would be back in that moment. He belonged in that moment. The pain was worst there.

Something cold and wet smacked him in the face. Kaie gasped a
nd wiped it away. Peren was laughing. And then, for no reason he could think of, Kaie was too.

They were building something around him. His mother and father. The people of the village. Samuel the brute. He was lying in a pile of branches and they were each coming up with another armful. He tried to call out to them, to ask them what they were doing or tell them how much he missed them. But he couldn’t talk. Nothing came out of his mouth but a ragged burst of air.

Bit by bit, they built it around him. He tried to climb off but he couldn’t move at all. Not until they were all finished adding their part. Not until it was done. Then all the others faded back and two new figures stepped forward. Kaie sat up, leaning close. He squinted, trying to see who they were.

They were in front of him in an instant. Holding hands. Looking so perfect, just like they did that day on the hill. Amorette and Sojun. Encouraged by his ability to move, he tried to talk again. This time it worked. “You’re here!”

Sojun laughed. Warm and hearty. The sound of childhood. “We wouldn’t miss
, this Rosy.”

He frowned. Confused.
“What is this?”

Amorette laughed. Cold and brittle. He cringed. The color drained away from the world. “Can’t you tell,
Bruhani
? This is where you belong. This is where the dead go.”

The pile of sticks burst into flames. As the heat climbed up, as his skin bubbled and split, he understood. It was where he belonged. It was his pyre.

The scream tore through him. He jerked up, sobbing. He was not burning. The fire was beside him, and he was on the ground. Not a pyre. Where was Peren? She was always next to him.

“Kaie?” The voice came from across the room. He remembered. Things were different now. It didn’t seem right, her sleeping beside him. So she was on the other side of the fire.

She didn’t stay there, though. She was beside him in an instant. Before he thought about it, before he could convince himself it was wrong, he wrapped her up in his arms and buried his face in her hair. An anchor, holding him here against the current pulling him back into the nightmare. Her small hands rubbed his back while he battled against the sobs. Slowly, the memory of burning alive faded and the terror released its grip on him.

When he was able to
lie down again, she draped the blanket over him. For a moment he felt her indecision. Kaie didn’t wait for her to decide she was supposed to be across the fire from him. It was him taking her hands this time. Her head tilted, and the question on her lips was so obvious he could see it coming even in the dark. But she never asked. Instead she slid down under the blanket.

It was strange, holding her. It didn’t seem right, taking comfort after everything he did.
Like maybe he was trying to replace one girl with another.

“Will you tell me what happened? Before Vaughan and I got here?”

He didn’t know he was going to ask until the questions were already out. He expected Peren to stiffen and pull away. The way Amorette would if he asked it of her. But the girl in his arms now was not the same as the one he did then. All she did was squeeze his hand. “Are you sure?”

He nodded. “I need to know.”

“Because you loved her?”

“Because sometimes I didn’t,” he answered. “And I need to know which one was right.”

Peren was quiet just long enough to make him worry she was upset. But when she spoke, her voice showed no sign of any emotion at all. “She was very angry. I didn’t understand why. She kept saying I was ruining everything. When I asked what I was doing, she hit me.”

Kaie cringed, the image of such an event far too easy to summon up.

“After that, she calmed down. She said that she would only let you go if I paid for you.”

He cringed again, hearing the words echo in his head. “So you gave her your mirror.”

Peren tilted her head in its spot on his shoulder until she could look into his eyes. Kaie met her gaze reluctantly. The pain he expected wasn’t there, though. All he saw was concern. “Not at first. I said she could have anything. She made me tell her about everything.”

He let out a slow breath of air, wondering what he did to warrant such an offer from a girl who he knew so little about. He wanted to ask but was afraid of the answer. “She didn’t want the tangerine, huh?”

Peren smiled. “I was surprised, too.”

“It was your mirror.”

“My mother’s mirror,” she confirmed. “I told Amorette it was the only thing Vaughan and I had left of her. Then she laughed and said it was a start.”

Kaie couldn’t stand looking at her any more. Bad enough whe
n it was just a pretty trinket. “I’ll get you another. It won’t be enough, I know. But I’ll get you another.”

He could feel her chuckling into his shoulder. “Will you buy it with your smile?”

“I’ll figure something out. I promise.”

“You’re very sweet,” Peren said softly. “But there’s no use worrying about it. It was just an object. The only value was what I decided to give to it.”

“It was your mother’s.”

Her hand stroked the side of his face. She was trying to coax his eyes open. He could de
ny her nothing. Not anymore.

“I decided
its value was you being safe from her. I think my mother would approve.”

Kaie shook his head. “It wasn’t worth it.”

She stuck out her tongue. “You’re here. Walking and talking. So I get to decide, and I say it was.”

He wanted to argue more, b
ecause she was wrong. But the way she was looking at him, like his presence set everything right, Kaie couldn’t bring himself to take that from her. “And Samuel? What was he doing here? Who was he? I know he was Luna’s. I saw him, the day before…”

A cloud passed over Peren’s face. Her eyes left his and drifted over to the fire.
“Yes, he was Lady Luna’s.”

“But he didn’t have a collar. At least, I didn’t see one.”

“Lady Luna has plenty of experiments. The collar is just her favorite. Samuel wasn’t.” That got filed away. It was important. He just didn’t know why. Yet. “I don’t know what she did to him. But everyone knows he doesn’t talk. And that he hurts people. Especially girls.”

“Why would someone like that be with Amorette?”

Peren shrugged. When she said nothing for several minutes, Kaie realized she wasn’t going to elaborate. Maybe she couldn’t. He didn’t want to ask the next question. It wasn’t one that would rest though. “Why did he hurt you? He was with her, and you gave her what she wanted. So why?”

“I shouldn’t have said it.”

“Said what?”

“He was there from the beginning. He came in with her.
I asked her about him, and she said something about a deal with Lady Luna. I didn’t really understand. But he was going to leave with her, before I said it.” He waited. She sighed. “I was worried. He worried me. I told her that if I was paying, you were mine. And that meant she couldn’t hurt you.”

Kaie groaned. He could see it, all of it. Spinning through his head like a horrible play, determined to make him suffer for every blow she took. “Why? Why do good people keep getting hurt to protect me?”

The chuckle came from somewhere deep in Peren’s throat. “You really don’t know the effect you have on the rest of us, do you?”

“I don’t do anything.”

“You do.” Something in the fire shifted, sending up a rain of sparks. The light played off her angles, giving him a glimpse of something truly beautiful. “You give us hope, Kaie. Just being near you. Something about you helps us all remember what we used to be. Before we gave up. My brother thinks it’s something about the way you channel the
Jhoda
. I think it’s just who you are.”

“Must be why I’m so popular.”

She laughed again. Even now, especially now, it was nice to hear. “Exactly. Even the Mistress likes you.”

It came out before he could stop it. “Amorette didn’t.”

“Not everyone can stand remembering,” she murmured, her fingers tracing a pattern onto his chest. “Some people need to believe that what they’ve become is all they could ever be. That’s not your fault. Not even if you want it to be.”

They lapsed into silence after that. Kaie didn’t want to listen to her find all the different ways to convince him he wasn’t to blame. She believed it. He knew that. But he also knew better.

Sleep was threatening. She was still tracing that pattern on his chest. It was strange and relaxing, in equal parts. Just like everything else about her.

“You want to see Sojun, don’t you?”

“Mmhmm,” he replied, half asleep already.

“He won’t help you
figure out if which was right.”

“I know,” Kaie admitted. “But I have to tell him anyway.”