Burnt (20 page)

The Mistress was due back that night.
Vaughan told him that Luna and Josephine were both eager to tell the Lady Autumnsong why two slaves were dead. But while he knew that he might be handed over to Luna’s ministrations as a result of the events of that day, he found it difficult to worry about.

There was no way to plan for anything. He didn’t know what Lady Autumnsong would decide to do with him, and he couldn’t impact that decision in any way now. So it was difficult to spend time with Vaughan, who could do nothing but worry. Peren was better. She never mentioned any concern on the matter. But he still caught
her fidgeting with her hair or watching him sadly when she thought he wasn’t looking. Their concern weighed on him, testing his patience and fraying his temper. So his time in the stables became increasingly precious.

It was a better distraction that he expected, giving him large chunks of time where he didn’t think about the dead at all. It wasn’t happiness. Kaie didn’t think that was possible anymore. But it let him slip into a sort of numbed contentment that was just as soothing as the goop Peren used on his hands that first week.

Apparently it showed because Stephen decided to add more responsibilities to his daily routine. Now he was brushing down the horses as well as any of the other men in the stables. He was surprised to discover he genuinely enjoyed the task. Each animal was unique, dealt with him in a different way. Some trusted him without thought. But his favorite, the stallion, was a challenge. He needed to prove himself over and over.

In a rare instance of conversation with Stephen, Kaie learned the dark brown beast was a rescue of sorts. He was mistreated by his former Mistress. Lady Autumnsong was so distressed when she witnessed it that she offered three times what the horse was worth just to get him away from the unworthy owner. But even after a year in the Autumnsong stables, he still expected the pain from his past. Kaie didn’t bl
ame him. Some hurts never healed.

He was caring for the stallion, taking care not to get too close to the teeth that were always eager for unguarded flesh, when Sojun arrived.

The sallow husk that rambled up and watched him without a word was, at first, completely unrecognizable. Kaie continued his work for a while, trying to sort out why he was of such interest to what looked like a corpse. Everyone else in the stable was gone, melted away so completely only the stranger’s presence could account for it. He was just starting to worry about plague when he noticed the thick black collar.

He couldn’t breathe. Gods, where did all the air go?

Vaughan promised to make this happen. It took many mornings and more than a handful of arguments, but the boy finally accepted that Kaie wouldn’t be dissuaded. Still, a part of him didn’t really believe. All Vaughan needed to do was wait him out, after all. In another day or two, the Lady Autumnsong might well be handing him over to Luna and her experiments. Kaie wouldn’t even hold it against him. But he kept his word after all.

A nip on his hand woke him. The stallion, in a very uncharacteristic act of mercy, decided not to take his fingers when he bit. But even the gentle, almost affectionate, press of teeth to skin was enough to draw blood. It was his own fault, forgetting what he was doing and letting his hand hang in easy reach. And, despite the pain, Kaie was relieved. Finishing his work and wrapping his hand gave him a task to occupy himself while he worked on sorting out the cacophony in his head. Sojun seemed content to watch, saying nothing and rocking slightly from one leg to the other.

He finished too quickly. With nothing else to do, there was no reason not to speak. But Kaie still didn’t know what he needed to say. This wasn’t the strong protector from his memories. He was barely a shell of that boy. Kaie couldn’t wrap his mind around this transformation. Even as he noticed features that undeniably belonged to his heart’s brother, he was trying to convince himself he was wrong. Sojun’s hair would never be thinning like this. Those might be his eyes, but they would never be so bloodshot, so vacant. His friend’s shoulders would never be so stooped, his flesh never so loose. But it was Jun. He couldn’t pretend it wasn’t, no matter how hard he worked at it.

The silence stretched and pulled taut. Either he needed to speak or leave. It was past the point where
he must choose which, and was fast becoming intolerable. Even when he opened his mouth, Kaie wasn’t sure which of the two he was picking. He was so grateful for words coming out, he almost didn’t notice what they were.

“You’re alive.”

Sojun laughed. But the sound was all wrong. Like he was mimicking a laugh he heard from someone else. It didn’t feel fake, not exactly, but displaced.

The next words were harder. Impossible. But if he didn’t get them out now, Kaie knew he wouldn’t. He was too much of a coward. “Amorette is dead.”

The corpse nodded, his eyes darting up and around like a stone ricocheting off walls before finally settling on the stall door Kaie just closed. “Mistress told me.”

“Lady Autumnsong?” He was genuinely confused. The question drew another of those odd laughs.

“Real Mistress. My love. My nightmare. Mistress.” He rubbed at his arms, twitching with every gesture. Kaie couldn’t tell if it was because moving hurt him or because his whole body was shaking slightly. “She says you killed her.”

His words got stuck on something thick in his throat and came out sounding strangled. “I guess I did.”

Sojun nodded. Like they were discussing the weather. “Amorette. Ams. I remember her, sometimes. Pretty like sunshine. She came to see me. Mistress brought her. She said you fucked her.”

Kaie flinched. “Yeah.” He took a deep breath, forcing the words past the blockage developing in his throat. “I’m so sorry, Jun.”

“She wanted me to hurt. Mistress too. Mistress likes it when I hurt. Hurting will make me stronger. But I didn’t. Not then. Not for that. I told her. She got mad, but I told her.”

“Told her?” Kaie wasn’t even sure which ‘her’ they were talking about
or if Sojun knew.

“I forgive him. You. I told her. She was mad. Mistress was mad. Said it was weak. I’m not supposed to be weak. But I don’t lie to Mistress, so the girl wasn’t allowed to hit me.”

Kaie rocked backward. “You forgive me?”

“That’s what I told her,” Sojun answered, not seeming to understand what Kaie
meant. “The first time she was mad and Mistress was mad. But last time, Mistress said it was okay. That it was good. Because you were going to come see me soon, and we should still be friends.”

“Last time?” He tried to sort out what the man was saying. “Amorette told you we had sex more than once?”

“Sixty-seven times. Counting, counting. Every time it’s not me, she counts. She says you are bigger than me. Better. That you make her scream so loud the people in your house want to move out.”

“What?” Kaie struggled to keep the anger out of his voice. “No! One time, Jun. Just one. It was a mistake.
I don’t know why Amorette said that, but I swear it was only the one time.” That was a lie. He knew exactly why she said it. She wanted to hurt them both, as much as she could. Wasn’t that what she told him?

“
I told her, I forgive you. Amorette was weak. She had to be weak, to be dead. Only the weak ones die.” He frowned, the right side of his face jerking independently of the rest of the expression. “I was weak, once. Before Mistress taught me how to be strong. I said things. Secrets. Bad secrets, ones that were supposed to stay hidden inside me until they put me in the ground. One about you.”

“I know.
It’s ok, Jun. It wasn’t your fault.”

Sojun spat at his feet. “Was! I was weak! Filthy, bad, weak!” His face shifted. Emptied. Like something reached in and yanked out whatever was left inside the husk of his friend. When he looked back to Kaie, there was nothing recognizable in those hollow eyes. “Don’t let her get you, Rosy.
Better weak, better dead, better anything, then with Mistress.”

“I don’t get a say in it, Jun.” Needing some excuse to look away, Kaie headed over to where the feed was kept. It was too early. Stephan would be as upset as the stoic man ever got. But better that then stare into that vacant face another second. “All I can do is wait and see what Lady Autumnsong decides to do with me.”

Fingers that were more like claws wrapped around his arm. They dug in so deeply it hurt. “She’ll give you to Mistress. Has to. Mistress said so. But you can’t let her. Take the other way. Promise. Promise you’ll take the other way.”

“There isn’t another way!” He was ashamed to be yelling. But he did it anyway. Better shouts than the tears burning in his eyes. “If I die, they’ll blame Peren! I can’t do that to her! Same thing, if I try to run! There’s nothing I can do that won’t get her killed!”

“Not nothing. Bad, filthy, weak. But not hers. Not dead. Keep your promise. Not nothing. Something. I can help. Keep her from getting you.” Sojun dropped his hold. The stable doors called to Kaie, pleading with him to walk out now. He saw enough, said enough. He wanted to tell Sojun and now that was done. He could walk away and wait for tomorrow with that one thing lifted from his conscious. That could be enough.

He turned around. Sojun’s face split into a grin, the right side still jerking. “What?”

“Lord Peter won’t let me see you tomorrow,” Vaughan said mise
rably, poking at the food in the bowl with a clear lack of interest. “I tried explaining, but… He’s afraid of what Lady Luna would think. He didn’t want to let me come tonight.”

Kaie smiled, secretly relieved. Getting through tonight would be hard enough. He wasn’t sure he could survive a scene tomorrow as well. “It’s ok.
Honestly, I think you’re making this too big of a deal. The Lady Autumnsong likes me, remember? And Stephan said he’s going to tell her how invaluable I am at the stables. Everyone knows Samuel hurt girls, right? I bet she decides I get a few lashes and then things go back to normal.”

“Yeah,” Vaughan said, the boy’s
tone making it very clear he wasn’t convincing anyone. “You’re probably right. No big deal. I need to get back. Dinner was perfect, Peren. Thanks.”

“Hey,” Kaie regretted the word even as he said it. Better he just let Vaughan go. Anything he said now would make it harder for all of them. But it was too late to stop. The boy was already looking at him with those eyes, every bit as big as
Peren’s if not nearly so intense. “Thanks. For everything you’ve done since the minute you walked into that tent and healed me.”

Vaughan smiled. “It’s been an honor,
Bruhani
.”

“What does that mean, anyway?”

The boy blinked. “You don’t know? I thought Peren would have told you.”

Peren giggled, waving her hands frantically. “Don’t you tell him, Auny!” She looked to Kaie and winked. “Ask again after tomorrow.”

He grinned. “When I earn it?”

She nodded. Vaughan rolled his eyes. “Sometimes I feel like you two are speaking another language entirely.”

“We are,” Kaie teased. That won him another giggle. “Get some sleep tonight, Vaughan. I’ll see you on the other side, yeah?”

After a minute of scrutiny, where Kaie feared he tipped his hand, the boy nodded. “Ok, yeah. I’ll see you then.”

The minute the blanket fell back over the door, Peren was tugging the bowl out of his hands and collected Vaughan’s as well. He let it go without much of a fight, most of the food gone already. He didn’t feel particularly inclined to eat the salted pork. Ever again, actually. But that was another matter.

He watched as she arranged the bowls in a neat little triangle i
n the far corner of the shack. Then, with her back still turned to him, she tugged off her shirt. Kaie choked on the noise coming out of his throat and quickly threw his gaze to the opposite wall. Not before he caught sight of bandages wrapped around her chest and milky white skin. The blush crept up his neck and into his cheeks. Certain she didn’t have any idea how uncomfortable she was making him, he struggled to come up with anything to say that wasn’t about how very topless she was.

“Are you…” He cleared his throat of whatever was making his voice squeak and tried again. “Are you hurt?”

“No.”

“But those bandages…”
He bit back a curse. This was Peren. He shouldn’t be this awkward. Not with her. He shouldn’t be thinking about how so much softer the lines of her shoulders and curve of her back looked without a shirt. Or how he was pretty sure she wasn’t twelve.

“I have to hide,” she answered as though he managed to finish the question. “I told you, I’m invisible. If I go around looking too much like a girl, someone is bound to notice and you aren’t hiding if you’re getting noticed. So I wear big clothes and hide all the curvy bits under bandages Vaughan brin
gs me. But I don’t want to hide right now.”

Because he thought he heard invitation in her voice, and because he wanted to see way more than he should, Kaie dared a glance in her direction.

“Oh.”

S
he was still Peren, still tiny and more sharp angles than anything else. But her chest wasn’t flat anymore. She was wearing different clothes now, smaller. Until that moment, he never noticed how big everything she wore was. And her hips… “Oh.”

She smiled. “Good, then?”

He shook his head, struggling to hold on to any thought that wasn’t about her hips. Or her skin. Or… were her lips always that plump? “What’s going on, Peren?”

Her
smile took on a different look, a – gods help him – sexier look. Things were spinning out of control. This was Peren! He wasn’t supposed to wonder what kissing her would be like. “Whatever happens tomorrow, this is the last night you’re mine. There’s not going to be anything I regret about it.”

Something in his head was broken. It wouldn’t produce anything resembling intelligent. “How old are you?”

She laughed. It was the same laugh as before, loud and not at all ladylike. But it was different, too. Now he was hearing an element that was always there but that he never noticed before. Like she shoved his perception of him slightly left and now he was seeing all the things that made her absolutely intoxicating.

“Old enough to know you just said goodbye to my brother. A real goodbye. Old enough to know that anything that happens between us tonight is going to make
whatever you’re planning for tomorrow hurt so much more. Young enough to think it will be worth it.”

She was absolutely determined to remove his ability of speech. There was no other explanation. Not for what she was saying, not for the way she slid dropped down in front of him. Gracefully. Like th
at day at the stream. “That’s…how old is that?”

She laughed again. Driving him crazy. “Seventeen.”

It was his turn to laugh. Twelve? She was older than him! Old enough to be married.

Then life snapped back
the way it was supposed to be. Not exactly. He was still thinking about her lips and, gods help him, her hips. But now he was also thinking about why he was here instead of finding a wife in his village or staring up at the roof of his shack in East Field.

“Peren, I’m not in love with you.”
Not yet, a part of him whispered. But that didn’t matter. All that mattered was today and today it was true.

She placed her hand on the side of his fac
e. The same as she did so often when he fought his way free of the nightmares. But different now. So different. “I know.”

“Amorette…”

“I know that, too.” She sighed and sat back. “I’m not asking you to forget her. You wouldn’t, even if you could. And I’m not asking you to lie to me.”

If it were anyone but Peren saying it, Kaie wouldn’t believe. Even
with her, after all she did for him, it was hard. Amorette’s cackle echoing in his head made it nearly impossible. But it was Peren.

“I’m not even going to ask you what you’re planning for tomorrow.
But I’m not wrong about you not intending to come back.”

“No,” he agreed. Because what else could he say?
“You’re not.”

“If
you say no, we can forget this…but couldn’t we spend it this way?”

His comparing her to Amorette lasted exactly until the moment her lips pressed against his. When she pulled away again, he
couldn’t help the smile that turned up the right corner of his mouth.

Then, because he could deny her nothing now, and because he found he actually wanted it, Kaie nodded. “Ok.”

The fire went out. He didn’t know when. They were too busy to notice. But he stared at the darkness now, waiting for the self-loathing to wash over him. And waited. But it didn’t come. It took a while, but as the last coal turned black, Kaie finally accepted that it wasn’t going to. That he was allowed to enjoy the warmth of holding Peren curled up against him, underneath the blankets. That he could keep the peaceful, satisfied feeling that suffused him. It was almost enough to make him forgive the gods for what he needed to do. Not quite, but it did get damn close.

When her finger started drawing that same pattern on his chest, Kaie nearly leapt out of that warm circle he was enjoying. She was so still for so
long; he never suspected she was awake.

“Are you thinking about her?”
she said.

Kaie chuckled and kissed the top of her head. “No. For the first time I can remember, no.”

He didn’t need to see her face to know she was smiling. That made him feel good, knowing he put it there. Better than he expected.

“Do you love me?”
he asked. It seemed important. Something he should know, before he said goodbye to her too.

“Not yet,” she murmured sleepily. “But it’s close, I think.”

He knew exactly what she was talking about. He could feel it, too, right now. Like maybe this was the way things were supposed to go. That all the pain from before was only to get him here. Or a few weeks from here, when he could let it go and just be with her.

But there were some hurts weren’t supposed to heal.

“Don’t,” he told her. “Don’t love me. Don’t hold on to me. It will only hurt you. And it won’t be worth it.”

“Do
n’t I get to choose things like that?”

“I mean it
, Peren. Don’t hold on to anything of me, when I leave. Get rid of my clothes, my bowl, everything you don’t need. Let go of anything that comes of tonight. Feelings. And if there’s a child…You have to let every bit of me go. If they think, if they even suspect, that you care what happens to me, they will find a way to use it. You won’t be able to stay invisible.”

“You aren’t making sense.”

“Maybe not. But do it anyway.”

She sighed, sounding nothing but tired. “Does it have to be tonight
that things get all dark and dramatic? Can we just have this?”

He smiled. “Yeah. I think we can.”