BUTTERFLIES FLY AWAY (15 page)

Carrie woke early again.  No strange dreams or
nightmares disturbed her.  It was a little after 5am.  She snuggled
under the duvet and tried to sleep but twenty minutes later she was standing
under the shower.  After sleeping so much yesterday it was no wonder her
body clock was telling her time to get up.  A cup of coffee and a cookie
from the glass canister that Terri provided for her guests to tide her over
until breakfast. 

She dried her hair and left it loose.  After
washing it was too soft to braid or pin up.  Her hair was longer than it
had been in years but she kind of liked it like that.  For now
anyway.  Lathered on lots of the new moisturiser, yip she was quickly
becoming accustomed to the scent of this new lotion and would have to purchase
some more before she went home.   She rubbed on her facial moisturiser
letting it gently dry on her skin.  Slowly feeling a bit more human. 
Catching up on sleep the dark circles were fading from under her eyes. 
She rubbed on a little of the lip balm, smacked her lips together.  There
done.

She wore jeans and in the spirit of her planned trip
to the light house thought a nautical themed sweater would be fitting.  An
oversized navy and cream jumper with a red anchor on the front.  Her red
converse matching the red of the anchor.  Pocketing some money and her
mobile she was ready for her walk along the beach before breakfast. 

“Good Morning Charlie” she greeted the night porter.

“Good Morning Carrie, another fine morning here on
the Cape.”

“Yes, it looks like it’s going to be a great
day.  I’m going for a nice refreshing walk, I hope!”

Now that Carrie was familiar with the route to the
path to the beach it took only five minutes to get there.  She walked in
the opposite direction from yesterday, away from the house and towards a crop
of rock pools.  She passed bleached driftwood that had been arranged
around the scorched sand and rocks of a fire pit.  It must be an area
popular with the locals.  Again at this early hour the beach was empty and
Carrie spent time walking amongst the rock pools. The sea water in the pools
containing little crabs and even the odd star fish.   She wasn’t
knowledgeable to identify all the different types of flora and fauna in the
rock pools but was amazed once again at nature.  The sky was already a
bright blue and it would be a good day to go to the lighthouse.

Walking back through the rock pools towards the
sandy area of the beach she saw a familiar sight.  Beau.  He
recognised her too as he raced along the sand in her direction.

He woofed a greeting to her and she patted his head,
ruffling his ear.

“Hello Beau”

She looked around for a stick to through, found a
suitable piece of drift wood and they began their throw and catch
routine. 

“Good Morning Carrie”

The deep voice of Nico interrupted their play. 
Startled Carrie turned round; she hadn’t seen him accompany Beau.

“Good Morning Nico, I didn’t see you there.”

“Beau raced ahead this morning, too much energy for
this early hour!”

Nico had a battered tennis ball which he threw in
the distance and Beau raced away, this new target in his sights.

“I know the feeling, I woke early needing some air
before my caffeine fix.  So are you an earlier riser too?”  Innuendo
alert.

“Sorry, oops I meant do you get up early too?”

“Are you hitting on me Carrie?” oh no, innuendo
alert part two!

“Erm, no no I eh”

“I’m only joking with you.  In answer to your
question, yes, I am an early riser!”

Carries face was scarlet.

Beau returned and dropped the ball at Carries
feet.  She picked it up and threw it again.

“I like to start the day if I’m at home out for a
walk with Beau.”

“I envy you; it’s a great way to start the day.”

“Amongst others.  What about you Carrie, do you
have any pets?”

“No none for me, not even a goldfish to look after.”

They had reached the driftwood surrounding the fire
pit after walking side by side. 

“I have a bit of a confession.  I read the
local paper, so I do know who you really are.  I didn’t want to have the
awkward, oh where do you work type of conversation with you.”

“Oh really Carrie, what do you know?”

“Well it was reading the Cape News yesterday and the
article about the house fires.  The work that you are doing to re-home the
families affected.  All of that confirmed that I thought you were ‘that
Nico Devanti’”

Carrie had thought it best to be clear that she knew
exactly who he was, no pretence.

“Mmm, ‘that Nico Devant?’ you’ve got me there”

“Sorry, no insult intended, I know as much as anyone
knows about you from the public eye, so how about a trade?  I will answer
any question you may have about me .. well only if you want to know .. You
might not.. I understand” oh damn awkward.  Why the hell didn’t she stop
talking!

 “Carrie, you haven’t insulted me.  I’m
just surprised by your honesty.   Believe it or not I don’t get a lot
of that.  Let me think of a suitable question for you?”

“Okay, what do you want to know?”

“Will you have dinner with me?  I figure
bribing you with some food you might answer more than one question?”

“Oh, I hadn’t expected that.”

“Let me show you what the Cape has to offer, do you
like seafood? Oops that’s a question”

“Ha, I love seafood.  That is a tempting offer
to appeal to my appetite.”

“Okay changing the subject then.  How do you
like the Cape?  Have you made any plans to see any of the local
attractions?”

“I love what I’ve seen so far, unfortunately I won’t
have much time here before I return home.  But I am planning on going to
the Portland Light today.”

They were almost back at the path.  Beau had
run back and forth with ball in his mouth.

“Here take my business card.  My numbers are
all there.  How about dinner tomorrow evening then?  I have to fly to
LA today but I’m back tomorrow.  You can tell me what you think of our
famous landmark.”

Carrie was torn.  She didn’t know if she was
ready to go out for dinner.  Nico sensed her indecision.  He was
probably used to women falling all over him not dithering over what to do.

“Okay, I’d like that.”

“Great, where are you staying?”

 “The Captains Rest, it’s just ..”

“Carrie I’ve lived in the Cape all my life, I know
where the Captains Rest is”

“Oops, I forgot”

“8.00pm okay for you?”  Carrie nodded. 
“I’ll pick you up then”

Carrie petted Beau goodbye and walked up the
boardwalk.

“Are you going to
The Esperanza?”

“Carrie, yes I am, you know entirely too much about
me .. we need to even those the odds out!”

“Say Hi to Belle Hamilton for me, she’s my
Aunt!  That should help with those odds!”

Jeez what had she just agreed to do? 

The business card in her hand was black and white
embossed with the scrawl of D for Devanti which was recognisable from the
company logo.  Listing his mobile and office contact numbers.

As before she turned around when she got to the top
of the pathway.  He was still standing there, watching her with Beau at
his side.  She gave him a wave which he returned.

Back at the Inn Carrie went straight for
breakfast.  Her stomach beginning its own rumble at the lack of
food.  She again succumbed to the blueberry pancakes with maple
syrup.  Justified to herself that this calorific breakfast would make up
for the lack of dinner the previous evening. 

Tansie was once again serving breakfast.

“Good Morning Tansie”

“Good Morning Carrie would you like some more
coffee?”

“Yes, I’ve a feeling I will need lots of caffeine
this morning.”

“One of those days?”

“Yeah I need the energy I think.  I’m going to
Headland point this morning to see the lighthouse.”

“Oh you will like it, I haven’t been in years. 
The weather is beautiful today.  I think you have picked a good day for
some sightseeing.  Be sure to visit the park when you are there too if you
have time.  Oh and take a camera!”

Carrie didn’t linger as much over breakfast as she
had the previous day.  The pancakes were just as yummy as the day before
and she knew they would tide her over until lunch time.  But she was keen
to get on with the visit to the lighthouse and away from the distraction of
Nico.  How could she have agreed to go out for dinner?

Time to get back to what had brought her here in the
first place.  When she returned to her room her laundered jeans were
hanging on the hook.  Her room was not yet serviced by the housekeepers
but Carrie knew she would be leaving soon.  She checked her notes that she
had written for this trip a quick review of the directions she had
written.  Look out for the hanging green and white road sign for the Fort
William Park and Portland head light entrance.  Scribbled down the post
code for the sat nav.  She brushed her hair, pulled it back into a high
pony tail, a final touch of the lip balm and she was ready to leave. 

She checked her bag again for almost the millionth
time in case she forgot anything, money, phone, car keys, bottle of water and
finally ‘Rob’.   She moved the cylinder from the draw were it had
been for the last three days.  Under the tube, a shiny penny.

“Oh Rob, why now?, why today?”

Not a USA penny but a penny from back home and there
was no way imaginable that it could have gotten there.  That was not
unless she slept walked and during the night put it there!  It wasn’t
there when she unpacked and was adamant of that.

She sat on the edge of the bed, holding the cylinder
and trying not to cry.

“Am, I going out of my mind?”

Her plans now in disarray but this was what she came
here to do.  If it didn’t feel right when she got there she would come
back and book the first flight home.  Dinner or no dinner with Nico.

She put the penny in her pocket for luck and left
the room.  Terri was speaking with another guest when Carrie walked past
the reception.  She gave a friendly wave and Carrie walked through the
doors of the safe haven of the Inn.

Her rental car was safely parked where she left it and
after a few minutes of familiarising herself she was ready to go.  The sat
nav ready and waiting to give directions.  It didn’t take long and she was
soon passing the green and white road sign for the entrance.  She followed
the directions for the Portland head light entrance. 

The lighthouse was impressive. 

She could see where people had set up tri-pods at
look out points to take the best photograph.  The sky was blue with a few
clouds in the distance across the bay she could see Portland harbour and the
shipping channel.  A quick turn point and she found a parking space. 
There were pink and white roses in the bushes surrounding the parking
lot.  A ranch fence surrounding the property lines.  Pathways leading
to the old lightkeepers house and the lighthouse itself along with a path
leading to Fort Williams Park.   She decided to walk through the
grounds.  Along the path that was bordered with a low chain fence to the
grass.  The white of the building sharp in contrast to the red tiles of
the roof of the buildings and outbuildings. 

She passed a brass plaque to commemorate the 1789
1989 – bicentennial list of keepers and stopped to read the many names. 

But firstly she headed to the museum and paid the
two dollar entrance fee.  A display presented instructions for
light-keepers and masters of light-house vessels; explained the hardships that
the early keepers endured as they protected Portland and the adjacent
area.  It was fascinating to read of the early warning attempts to
preventing bringing the area under British rule.  There was also a display
on the Annie C Maguire shipwreck which struck a ledge on Christmas Eve on
1886.  It also said that rock outside in the shoreline identified the spot
of the wreck.  She stopped off at the gift shop.  This time she found
the perfect gift for her Dad.   A Coast Guard Cap.  The blue cap
with gold embroidery US Guard and underneath PORTLAND HEAD LIGHT.  For
herself she picked sterling silver charm of the lighthouse.  Just a little
memento.

She walked back through the grounds and stopped at
the café.  Time for some people watching whilst she recharged with a
coffee.  In the bay she could see the white sail of a loan boat passing
by.  There on the rocks in marked with white paint the marker for the
Annie C Maguire shipwreck.  Time to try the camera on her phone to capture
the view around her.  Opening her bag she rustled about until she found
her phone.  Her hand lingering a moment on the cylinder with Robs
ashes.  Could she really do this today?  Could she really part with
him?

Since her arrival only a few days ago, she realised
that she had stopped taking the medication for her anxiety.  That was why
she surmised that she had slept so long the day before.  She didn’t want
to go back down that road of taking the tablets and would try to make the most
of her new resolve.

She took some pictures of the lighthouse and bay the
texted one to her sister.

“Hiya Sis, Mmm guess where I am?”

She took another sip of the cooling coffee. 
Within seconds she had her reply.

“Well, well, well, you finally made it!”

“Yeah finally did.  Going for a walk around the
park. Will call you later tonight and you can update me on the house
move.  Big kiss to Harry for me. X”

“Okay.  Will do. X”

Refreshed after her coffee she decided to have a walk
through the grounds towards Fort Williams Park.  She had a laugh at the
sign which proclaimed the park was “Open at sunrise closed at sunset” you can’t
get much more precise than that!

She walked to the ruins of the Goddard
Mansion.  Read the inscription detailing the place in society that the
mansion had in the 1800’s but now a ruin.  The trees high in the back
ground shadowing the shell of the bricks.  The path was quiet and she
walked back to the shoreline.

It was a charming place and she could appreciate why
everyone that she had spoken with had told her this.  She could imagine
coming with family, exploring the park and the Fort.  Playing games or
sharing a picnic.  It was a family area.  Across the Casco Bay she
could see the ledge of Ram Island Light.  The photographers were still at
the positions, waiting for that perfect picture.  She saw many in the gift
shop displaying the lighthouse in all the wonders of nature.  Beautiful
sunrises to cold snowy days.   

In the distance she could see more ships in the
Casco bay.  She wished that she could have climbed the tower of the
lighthouse and looked out for miles and miles of sea but that was closed to
visitors.  Instead she walked to a tidal pool, close the edge were the
waves crashed relentlessly against the rocks.  She had found the perfect
spot.  In her mind she could picture the butterfly as it was in the
book.  Fluttering near those rocks.  This was it she was sure. 
It was time.

She took the cylinder from her bag, which she left
at her side high on a flat rock.  She was alone in her task.  No
other tourists around.  Just her, the sea, the rocks and Rob.

“I loved you so much Rob.  I always will.” She
spoke aloud and opened the lid.  She scattered some of the ashes and they
caught in the wind.  They blew high, swirled and settled on the ocean.

“Go far my darling.  There’s nothing but ocean
and waves with you now.  Just like you imagined it would be.”  Her
voice broke with the last words and she quickly returned the cylinder to her
bag. Gripping her mobile she took some photos of where she had scattered the
ashes.  Returning the mobile to her bag she was shaking as she walked back
through the tidal pool towards the car park.

She took the sunglasses from her bag, not to protect
from the sun but to hide the tears that were accumulating.  Time to return
to the Inn and the haven of her bedroom. 

Carrie retreated to her room and was careful to
avoid Terri.  She didn’t want to give a review of her trip to the
lighthouse.  Housekeeping had been and gone.  She put the do not
disturb sign on the door and locked the door.  Kicked off her shoes and
lay curled on the bed in a foetal position.  The sobs that she had been
holding back on the journey from the lighthouse she could now release in a
torrent.  Deep down she had expected at some point that this trip would be
cathartic; that scattering Robs ashes would reduce her to this emotional level
but now it had happened she wasn’t prepared for it.  She hadn’t cried this
much in months.

She wrapped the quilt around her fully clothed body
and tried to block everything out.  Picking up her mobile phone she
flicked through the pictures that she took and left the screen on the last
picture she took.  The one of the sea and the rocks where she had scattered
the ashes.  In the lighthouse book the same cluster of rocks where she saw
the butterfly in her picture there was now a small circular orb.  She
flicked back and no other pictures had an orb.  It must be the sun or dust
or something that had left a circular impression.  

Her crying jag had left her exhausted and she slept
for a few hours.  It was dark when she woke in a tangle under the bed
clothes.  Disoriented, head sore and feeling a bit shaky.  She
removed her wrinkled clothes, leaving a trail on the floor and padded naked
into the bath room.  Standing under the stinging hot water of the shower
she attempted to wash away the lethargy.  She didn’t linger over lotions
as she usually did but washed functionally, dried herself and put on a bathrobe. 
Her trail of clothes she picked up, folded and returned to her suitcase. 
It was after six o’clock and despite the emotions of the afternoon her stomach
grumbled loudly reminding her it was almost ten hours ago that she had
eaten.  She didn’t want to go out to eat but decided to order from the
same take out place she had a couple of days ago.  For quickness she
ordered the same meal and put on some clothes to go down stairs when it
arrived.  As before she got a call to advise the delivery had arrived and
she made a quick journey to collect it, the dollars in her hand to pay and
tip.  Her eyes were still puffy from crying but she couldn’t wear the
sunglasses inside.  But thankfully she didn’t have to speak with any of
the friendly staff at the inn or avoid eye contact.

The pasta tasted just as delicious as it had before
but to Carrie it could have been cardboard that she was eating.  This time
she accompanied it with some water and not a glass of wine.  Her head was
still sore and she found some pain killers to take.  Her mobile phone
flashing with a text alert. 

“Hi Sis, Hows things?  Did you do what you had
to do at the lighthouse? Cx”

An hour later

“Hellooooooo.  Whats happening?”

Then two more

“Carrie, call me or text me when you get this .. please! 
I’m getting worried”

She texted a reply.

“Hi sorry I didn’t get back to you.  I’ve been
sleeping.  Had a migraine when I got back from the light house.  When
are you home? X”

Within minutes she had a reply.

“So you are alive then!”

Quickly followed by.

“So worried Carrie about you.  Please no more
silence Carrie.”

Then another beep

“Okay, rant over. What happened?”

Carrie grabbed the throw off the bed, suddenly
chilled in the room.  She tucked it around herself and lay back on the
sofa.

“I will skype you later and fill you in.  When
are you free?  Its 8pm here.”

“Give me an hour to get settled and I will speak
with you then.”

“Ok”

Carrie checked that her tablet was fully charged
then put on the gas fire to heat the room.  She took her rubbish again out
of the room and downstairs.  Back in the room she washed her face and
brushed her hair.  She even added a little of the lip balm.  She
didn’t want Claire to worry about her. 

Opening the app on her tablet she signed in and
waited for Claire.

“Hi Claire”

The familiarity of her sister gave her a moment of
homesickness.  Claire looked a bit stressed but Carrie didn’t say
this.  They discussed the progress of the house move.

“Oh that was very fly of you Carrie ordering toys
for Harry!”

“I’m his Auntie of course I get to indulge in some
pressies, think of all the years that I couldn’t!”

“Well thank you, I’m sure Harry will be delighted.”

Carrie took the tablet round the room to give Claire
a blurry look of her surroundings.

“Have you got the fire on?”

“Yeah, I was a little cold after my sleep”

“Well are you going to spill and tell me what
happened today at the lighthouse or not?”

“It didn’t take me too long to find, the lighthouse
is in a great location.  There’s a beautiful park next door and I went for
a walk through the grounds.  Saw the museum and I even got Dad a coast
guard cap from the gift shop.  I’m sure he will be delighted to wear when
doing some gardening.”  Carrie pulled the cap from the gift bag and popped
it on her head.  Picking it up and quickly demonstrating it.

“He will, he loves a baseball cap, suits you!”

“I didn’t say but before I left home I decided to
bring Robs ashes with me, well some of them.  Today I scattered some at
the water’s edge”

“Oh Carrie, are you okay?”

A single tear rolled down Carries cheek.

She wiped it away.

“Yeah, I am now.  I didn’t know if I could do
it but I had a feeling deep inside that it was the right thing to do.  For
some strange reason I felt closer to Rob there.  I keep remembering the
night we watched that program and he said he wanted to come here.”

“I guess we all didn’t realise that you felt this
way Carrie, I have to be honest and tell you I thought it was just a wild goose
chase but you look well for making this trip Carrie.  I think you needed
to do this too.”

“There’s another lighthouse I want to go to but
today has drained me.  My room is reserved until Friday.  So I’ve got
plenty of time but I haven’t looked at flights home yet”

“Carrie why don’t you stay on a little longer? 
I know you wanted to get back home for the move but I think you might be better
having a little me time over there.  Let me speak to Mum and explain it a
bit better to her. I know I haven’t been your best support with this crazy trip
but I understand it more now.”

“Thanks Claire, I knew you would.  Guess what
I’ve even stopped the anxiety medication.  Well I didn’t deliberately
stop.  I just forgot to take it for a few days.  I slept like a log
yesterday so I guess it must be getting it out of my system.”

“That’s great but if you feel unwell you must see a
doctor.  Mum and Dad will be relieved you have stopped taking them. 
Why don’t you see how the next few days go before you look at booking your
flight home?”

The spoke in general over packing, unpacking and the
latest family updates. 

“Auntie Peggy asked Mum again if you will be at
their party, Mum said of course you would.  She was only being nosey
because she heard that we are moving into yours.  She asked Mum if we had
money troubles!  The cheek!  Mum put her straight so I don’t think
she will be asking that again. ”