By Force of Instinct (23 page)

“I usually spend my summers at Pemberley, and the rest in town. It would be pleasant to have you and my brother here—I might see a little more of him then.”

“He does not spend much time in London, then?” asked elizabeth, curious as to what she might expect for her own future.

Georgiana seemed quite taken with some sight in the street, and it was a moment before she answered. “oh, he is in
London
often enough, but usually he spends most of his time in Drury Lane, so I see little enough of him. But that will be different now.”

elizabeth smiled—she had not realized his interest in theatre was so great, but it seemed in character. “He is quite a patron of the theatre, then?”

she laughed shortly. “More a patron of a certain actress, I would say.”

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Unable to credit that Georgiana had truly meant what she had said, elizabeth asked, “I beg your pardon?”

Georgiana turned quickly to face her, a look of fear coming over her.

“oh, nothing. He is very fond of attending the theatre, that is all.”

elizabeth felt a sinking sensation. Georgiana was clearly no more skilled at deception than her brother—though perhaps she had underrated Darcy’s abilities in that regard. she refused to lose her dignity so much as to press her, though. With an outward appearance of calm, she replied, “I see.”

Georgiana, who was beginning to appear rather panicky, said quickly,

“no, really, Miss Bennet, that is not what I meant to say at all! I meant nothing by it!”

Thankful for the years of experience at disguising her feelings, elizabeth said, “no, of course not. It would be ridiculous to think otherwise.” she was finding breathing to be increasingly painful.

Miss Darcy looked as if she wished, rather than believed, that the harm had been undone. “I am sorry,” she said in a small voice.

“nonsense, you have done nothing to apologize for; you merely miss-poke,” said elizabeth briskly. “It is nothing to think twice about. But I must be going; my aunt is expecting me back. Would you be so kind as to give my apologies to your brother?”

“of course,” she murmured, unwilling to meet elizabeth’s eyes. ringing for a servant, she asked him to fetch a carriage for Miss Bennet.

They would have sat in complete silence for several minutes had elizabeth not forcibly begun a discussion about the differences she had observed between Hertfordshire and Kent, asking Miss Darcy about her impressions of the different parts of the country. Both were relieved when the servant returned to inform them that the carriage was ready.

It was not until the carriage began to pull away that elizabeth allowed her feelings free rein. The pain she felt inside was so great that she knew not how she would manage it; the shock went deeper than she cared to admit. she could not dismiss the vision of another woman in Darcy’s arms, another woman whom he was kissing and touching just as he had kissed and touched her earlier. she should have known—he had known all too well just how to touch her to achieve the result he had desired; his hands were clearly experienced in the matter of the fastenings of women’s clothing. she shuddered as she realized just what she had permitted; this was a 139

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shame which would not leave her. she allowed her head to fall back against the seat of the carriage and closed her eyes.

So, what is it that has changed so much?
she asked herself, attempting to argue herself out of her distress.
Now you know that he has had a mistress;
surely this is no surprise! We have only just become engaged, and until then
he owed me nothing, and I have no right to criticize. He is a man with a
man’s needs, but everything will be different now that we are to be wed.
But Georgiana had not sounded as if the relationship had been in the past—did he expect that she would turn a blind eye while he kept a mistress on the side? And what did it mean that he had been turning to another woman after kissing her at Longbourn, that he had been in another woman’s arms while she was agonizing over his loss? could he not have taken at least a little time to regret her after coming so close to marrying her?

A new doubt assailed her. Had he in fact planned to marry her, or had that merely been her assumption? certainly he had proposed at Hunsford, but he had never again mentioned marriage until Mr. Gardiner had forced the issue on his honour. could he possibly have decided from her behaviour at Longbourn that he could have what he wanted of her without the baggage of her low connections? she felt ill at the mere thought. surely it could not be—she might not be on a par with the Darcys, but she was by no means as unprotected as an actress on the London stage. no, that she could not believe, not given all he had done for poor Lydia.

But what was she to do now? How could she look him in the eye again?

she knew that he would not have failed to notice that she had departed his house without so much as a farewell—she would have to find some explanation for that as well. she caught her balance again as the carriage jolted over the rougher streets of cheapside, and stared blindly out the window, but found no answers there either.

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Chapter 8

With a sigh, Darcy pushed aside the papers he had been attempting to read. It was no use; his mind kept turning to elizabeth—if not to his extremely distracting memories of her kisses and the touch of her soft skin, then to the question of why she had seen fit to depart without saying goodbye to him. Had she been troubled by what had passed between them? There was no doubt that he had gone too far; he would be the first to admit it—although he would not guarantee that he would do differently in the future, faced with the same temptation. she had not seemed troubled by his advances at the time, but he knew full well that elizabeth was perfectly capable of disguising her true feelings when she saw fit. or perhaps she feared a repeat of those events if she were to see him again before she left—though all she would have had to do to avoid it would have been to remain in Georgiana’s company.

or could it have been something Georgiana had said? If she had said one word about considering elizabeth a fortune-hunter, he would lock her in her room for a week! But Georgiana had, as it happened, been on unusually good behaviour all day. Perhaps he had done the right thing by telling her about Wickham after all, though clearly
she
now wished to avoid him, too—at dinner she had told him she was tired of London, and asked to travel to Derby early. But it made no sense in any case to think that Georgiana would have accused elizabeth of veniality—elizabeth would have laughed, not left, had that happened. And even if Georgiana had 141

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brought up her sister’s disgrace, elizabeth would still have handled it, he was sure—in fact, he could not imagine anything Georgiana might say that could be enough to send elizabeth away. no, she must have wished to avoid
him
for whatever reason, though God alone knew what that was.

He poured himself a glass of port and sat back, taking a generous sip.

Why was it that each time matters seemed to be proceeding well with elizabeth, some trouble or other always came up? It was becoming extremely frustrating—as were certain limitations which were placed upon them, with no relief in sight in the near future. For himself, he would be perfectly happy to dispense with this courtship period entirely and marry her tomorrow. But she no doubt would want the full engagement—it was something he should discuss with her soon. Perhaps he could at least persuade her to set a relatively early date for the wedding, though whether that mother of hers could be brought to agree to it was a different question entirely.

Well, there was nothing for it—it was far too late to follow her tonight; he would have to wait until morning to call on her to see if something was indeed troubling her. But heaven help him if she was troubled by his advances—if he was to limit himself to merely looking at her until their wedding day, he had best find an excuse for a sudden trip far away, because it simply was inconceivable to think that he could see her every day and never touch her! He sighed again. All these months when his only thought had been how happy it would make him if she would only agree to be his; and now he had achieved his goal, and was nearly as frustrated as before.

Well, perhaps not quite as frustrated, he thought, remembering how she had arched to meet his touch and the sweet taste of her lips on his. He took another sip of port, and allowed himself to slip into his memories, his papers forgotten.

elizabeth wondered how many nights it had been in the last months that she had lost sleep over Mr. Darcy. It seemed at the moment as if there had been a great many of them; and now, just when she would have thought them to be gone forever, she found herself again facing a morning when it seemed as if the night had never ended. she was no nearer to a resolution than she had been the previous day, except to have made the acknowledgment that no resolution of this could be satisfactory. she had no 142

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choice at this juncture but to marry Mr. Darcy. There was little she could do to protect her heart—having already given it over to his keeping—but to try to recollect that he was not wholly the man she had thought him to be. Under the current circumstances, she did not expect that it would be difficult to develop greater resistance to his advances; although what benefit there would be from this when they would be married soon in any case was uncertain.

Her best hope was that he would terminate his connection with the actress Miss Darcy had mentioned when they married. Perhaps that had always been his intention; there was no way for her to know. she had tried to give him all possible credit as to herself—she did not deny that he clearly had powerful feelings for her, and found her enticing; it was not a matter of a misinterpretation of his sentiments towards her as one of hers regarding him. she could not imagine ever being comfortable in these feelings, but she was determined to find some manner in which to live with them, since there could be no avoiding of them.

she took some particular care in her appearance that morning. she did not doubt that he would be calling, and she wished to appear, if not at her best, at least as close to her usual self as possible. When Darcy arrived as she had predicted, she was able to meet him with tolerable composure, although the lurch she felt in her heart demonstrated that she was still more vulnerable to him than she would like. With firm resolve to make the best of the situation, she greeted him pleasantly, if less warmly than she might have previously.

Although Darcy was watching her closely from the moment of his arrival, it was not immediately obvious to him whether or not anything was, in fact, troubling her. she seemed perhaps a little subdued, but not unusually so. He wished that he could ask her directly, but the chaperoning presence of her aunt forbade it; he was limited to polite conversation. His impatience would not be ignored, however, and soon he made the suggestion of walking out in hopes of private discourse; but elizabeth, to his surprise, declined the offer, saying that she preferred to stay indoors.

His heart sank—he had never known elizabeth to refuse the opportunity for fresh air and exercise, and this avoidance of being alone with him spoke as proof that she was, in fact, distressed with him. He tried to discover some method to raise the question subtly, but was unsuccessful and, 143

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instead merely followed elizabeth’s lead in discussing his interest in the theatre, plays he had seen, and which theatres he preferred to patronize.

A few minutes later, the maid came in to inform her mistress that one of the children had taken ill. With an apology, Mrs. Gardiner excused herself, pointedly leaving the door open on her departure.

Darcy’s relief at this unexpected opportunity to speak privately was tempered by the sight of elizabeth biting her lip in apparent dismay at this same situation. nonetheless, he did not intend to let this chance go to waste.

“elizabeth, is there anything that is troubling you? If I have done something to offend you, I hope you will tell me,” he said with some anxiety.

she glanced up at him quickly, then just as rapidly turned her eyes away. “Thank you for your concern, sir, but I have no complaints,” she said lightly.

He looked at her in concern. Quietly, so that no one could overhear, he said, “If it was my behaviour yesterday which disturbed you, and certainly you have every right to be unhappy about it, please accept my apologies. I will do my best to prevent such a situation from arising again.”

she shook her head, but did not raise her eyes. “Please do not trouble yourself, sir; I have a trifle of a headache, but that is all. It is no matter.”

she fervently hoped that he would take her hint and leave the matter be; time was what she needed more than anything else to be able to manage this new situation.

Darcy sat back and looked at her assessingly. This was a situation beyond his experience; every instinct told him that she was unhappy, but she herself denied it. He made one last effort, a trace of annoyance beginning to show in his voice. “should there ever be any difficulty, madam, I hope that you
will
tell me; I am a poor mind-reader.”

His reversion to formality vexed her for no reason which she could explain. “I will keep that in mind, Mr. Darcy,” she said coolly. she felt her irritation rising, and counselled herself on the need for calm endurance.

she was not, however, in a state of mind to take the lead in the conversation; she had been unable to resist testing the sore subject of Darcy’s interest in the theatre, and her feelings were still somewhat raw from hearing his discourse on that topic. she determined to wait on his pleasure; she could sit in silence as well as he.

Darcy had never had much patience for conversation which involved more 144

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disguise of his natural inclinations than was comfortable for him. Lacking a better subject, he returned to the one which had interested elizabeth earlier. “Do you have a particular interest in theatre, Miss Bennet?”