Calling Me Back (8 page)

Emma sighed and got up off the chair opposite me, taking her book with her, and headed toward our bedroom. “The thing is it shouldn’t be.”

It was early, but bed seemed like a good place to be. I needed some space to think. Would Ash feel like this when Richard proposed? Would she have doubts? I knew Haven and Jake never questioned their future together. They knew that it was right, and Jake worshipped my sister. But not every couple was like that, were they? The fact that Richard hadn’t been to Sunday night dinner suggested that Ash wasn’t as serious about him as Haven had been about Jake. But maybe if he proposed, she’d get more serious? I closed my eyes. I should have been concentrating on Emma and me, not thinking about Ash and Richard.

Should I take Jake’s advice and wait for the right girl? Was I the sort of man who found the right girl? I wasn’t sure. Emma was right; we’d been together long enough to understand our feelings for each other. And although I loved her, when it came down to it, if I was being true to myself, I didn’t want to marry her. As much as I tried to imagine being married to Emma, it was easier to imagine us not together anymore, not in each other’s lives. That feeling wasn’t as uncomfortable. My mind drifted back to Ash. The thought of her not in my world because she’d built a life with Richard was . . . Well, it was unthinkable. Just the possibility made my temperature rise and my palms sweat.

I’d missed Ash this evening. It was never the same without her. Surely she would be back this evening from her weekend away? I pulled out my phone to message her.

Luke: Hey. Missed you at dinner tonight.

I scrolled through a few work emails, wondering if she’d message me back.

Ash: Good to know I’m missed.

I grinned at the screen. Of course she was missed.

Luke: Did you check your schedule? Can you make the awards dinner?

I was looking forward to that evening now I’d invited her. I hoped she wasn’t working.

Ash: Yeah, I can make it. Richard’s out that night too.

When had Richard being out become a factor in Ash’s decision making? Maybe Haven was right and they were serious. My fingers hovered over the dial button. I wanted to call and ask her what was going on, whether she was going to marry him. I mean, I was like a brother to her. I had a right to know, didn’t I? But it wasn’t just protectiveness I felt.

It was jealousy.

Of Richard.

Ashleigh

“It’s been amazing, hasn’t it?” Richard said as he kissed me softly on the lips. We were putting our bags in the car, ready for the journey home from the Lake District.

I nodded. The weekend had been lovely, but not amazing. Richard had been kind, thoughtful and attentive as always. I had
nothing
to complain about. But I hadn’t laughed as much as I normally did, hadn’t been silly or . . . I just hadn’t felt quite like myself.

“I always forget how beautiful it is up here,” I said as I turned away from the car, back toward the view of the lake below me. The mountains jaggedly cut though the blue sky, and I took a deep breath full of mountain air. Before my parents moved to Hong Kong, we used to visit the Lake District quite regularly. Haven and Luke joined us once, before their parents died. Even when it rained, which was most of the time, it was incredible, magical and such a contrast to London. “Thank you for bringing me back.”

“We’ll have to come again. Maybe we’ll have our honeymoon here. You never know,” Richard said, grinning at me.

My stomach lurched at his suggestion, but I managed a small smile. It wasn’t excitement that coursed through me. It was anxiety at the thought of a honeymoon with Richard, a life with Richard. He was such a great guy, and I knew that I was crazy with a capital C for not swooning at his suggestion. But as much as I tried, I wasn’t as serious about our relationship as he was. I was disappointed in myself for not being able to fall for him. Part of me wondered whether I was just destined to be unhappy, or if I would choose the most difficult route to happiness and be bound for failure.

Richard opened the passenger door for me, and I got in, getting comfortable for the long drive.

“Have you got a busy week?” he asked as he started the engine.

I nodded. “Yeah, quite busy. I’ve got to study for my entrance exam, so the next few weeks will be brutal.”

He glanced at me. “Sorry. What are you talking about? What entrance exam?”

“I told you that I was thinking about applying for an MBA program.”

“No you didn’t. Why do you want to do that?”

“I think it will be good. It’ll help me if I want to head up nursing in a big hospital, or . . . I don’t know. I might want a career change, to move into a more general healthcare role.” I liked the challenge that an MBA provided, and it was increasingly common for nurses to get them. As much as I enjoyed my job and the contact I had with patients, I felt there was more I could do for people if I had an opportunity to influence policy within a hospital.

Richard didn’t respond. He just stared out of the window at the road in front of us.

“You don’t think it’s a good idea?” I asked.

“I didn’t think you were a career girl, that’s all.”

What did that mean? “What’s a career girl?”

He frowned and looked in my direction, then back at the road. “Wouldn’t you want to stay at home with your children?” he asked.

“Well, unless you know something I don’t, I’m not pregnant. Anyway, I like working. I don’t understand how a girl with a career is a bad thing.”

“I’m not saying it’s a bad thing. I think it’s great that you’ve been to university, but motherhood is the most important job you can do.”

“Like fatherhood?”

“Well, yes but it’s different, isn’t it?”

“Is it?”

“Well, apart from anything else, my earning potential is more than yours, so it makes more sense if either of us is to stay home that it would be you.”

Were we really discussing what married life was going to be like for us? I wanted to undo the top button of my shirt to relieve the tightness around my throat, but I was wearing a V-neck and it wasn’t the collar that was creating the restriction.

“Who knows, maybe I’ll end up earning more than you if I get my MBA.”

“And is that what you want?”

“What? To have a successful and rewarding career? Sure. Isn’t it what you want?”

“I know, but do you want that more than you want to have kids and be a stay-at-home mother?”

How were we having this conversation at the beginning of a five-hour car ride?

“I want to have kids and a career. I guess like you do.”

Richard nodded but didn’t reply.

Haven had been right. Richard wasn’t the man for me. If I hadn’t known before, how he saw our future together had solidified my feelings. Ultimately, if we didn’t want the same things from life, then whether or not there was passion between us didn’t matter. It was a relief in a sense. It gave me a sensible reason for not wanting Richard. I didn’t have to worry about whether or not I was prepared to give up passion for a good guy, or that wanting someone who was my best friend, who made me laugh but also knew how to make my toes curl, was naïve and ridiculous. These were concrete compatibility issues.

I would have to tell him. Sooner rather than later. It was clear that he was serious about us, and it wasn’t fair to keep him thinking that I was too.

“Hey, you’ve ordered the wine, I see,” I said to Haven as I reached the table. We were meeting at one of our favorite restaurants in London. It wasn’t fancy, but the staff was friendly and the tapas amazing.

“You look really good,” she replied.

“Thanks.” I’d been home to change. I wanted to feel good tonight.

“The Lake District agreed with you then?”

I grinned. “Kind of. I always love going back, but Richard and I didn’t work out.”

“What do you mean?” She paused just before pouring my wine. I pointed at my glass. I needed a drink.

“I ended it with him last night. Things weren’t right.”

“Because of the sex?”

“Yes and no. I think the sex was just a metaphor for our lack of connection on a lot of levels. We wanted different things, and I couldn’t be myself around him; he didn’t make me laugh. I think I would have been less with him—certainly not been everything I could be.”

“It sounds like you made the right decision. You need someone who will make you more, bring out all your colors.”

I nodded.

“How did he take it?” she asked.

I wasn’t sure how he’d taken it. One minute he’d been mentioning our honeymoon and being really attentive, but he’d barely reacted at all when we’d met the next day and I told him that I didn’t think we were going to work out. “Okay, I think. Sometimes I thought he was really into me, and then other times I wasn’t sure if it was me, or the idea of me he liked. I’m going to start Internet dating, I think,” I said.

“So this isn’t about Luke?” she asked.

“What do you mean?”

“Ending things with Richard isn’t because you still have a crush on Luke?” I looked over my shoulder to check who was around. The last thing I needed was Luke to be behind us.

“Haven, I’ve loved your brother a long time. I’m not sure that will ever change, but he’s going to go off and have his two kids and picket fence with Emma. I’m pleased for him if that will make him happy. I just need to concentrate on what’s going to make
me
happy.”

She looked surprised. “You think you love him?”

“I know I do,” I replied.

“I’m sorry,” Haven said as she reached for my hand. “I didn’t realize that you felt that strongly.”

“It’s fine. I’ve had a lot of time to get used to the fact that he doesn’t feel the same way. If it hasn’t happened by now, I know it’s never going to.” I took a deep breath. “I’m not saying I’m over him, or that I ever will be. I just know I have to make my world about more than him.” Haven’s eyes were glassy with tears. “I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have said anything,” I said, squeezing her hand.

“No, I’m pleased you did. I’m sorry you haven’t felt you can talk to me about this stuff.”

I pulled my hand away. “He’s your brother. I don’t want to make it awkward for you. Anyway, now we don’t need to talk about it again. I’m moving on. Dating Richard was good for me. I just need to find the right guy. Can we clone Jake? That would work for me.”

“You know, with his science-y contacts and his money, that’s a real possibility. I’ll ask him. In the meantime, more wine?”

I nodded. “Oh yeah, and he has to adore me like Jake adores you.”

“From what you were saying, Richard adored you.”

“I think he liked me. I guess it’s mutual adoration that I’m after.”

“You know that Jake and I hated each other when we first met. It’s not always love at first sight.”

“I know, but I gave Richard three months. I mean, you know by then, don’t you?”

The more distance I had from Luke, the better. I needed to stop comparing what I had with him, what I felt for him, to whomever I dated next. Maybe practice would make perfect.

Luke

I wasn’t going to leave it until Emma’s deadline was up. Now I knew where we were going, it seemed unfair to string things out. Emma had the day off tomorrow, so I was going to tell her this evening. I’d texted her earlier in the day to suggest we talk when she got home from work, and she’d replied saying she’d be home at eight. I’d also called Haven and asked if I could spend a few days with them while I got myself sorted out.