Can't Let You Go: A Wheeler Brothers Novel (34 page)

"I know, but I didn't want to wait. I have to talk to you." His voice is fast, urgent. "Can we go sit down?"

"Yeah. Just let me put these in water."

"Can you do that later? I really need to talk to you."

"Okay." I set the roses on the kitchen counter and meet him on the couch. "What's wrong?"

He faces me, his eyes on mine, and holds both my hands. "Don't leave."

"What?"

"Don't leave." He sounds out of breath, like he's nervous or anxious or both. "I know it's a good job and I know this is your decision to make, and I respect whatever you decide, but...I don't want you to go. I love you, Jen. I always have. I was just too afraid to tell you until a few weeks ago. I thought it would be good for you to leave. It would get you away from your mom. She wouldn't be able to control you anymore, and I thought that would make you happy, and maybe it would. But Jen, if you stay, I promise I'll help you deal with your mom. We'll deal with her together. I'll do anything. I just don't want you to leave."

"Bryce, I...I don't know what to say."

"Say you won't go. Say you'll at least think about it."

"I don't even have the job yet."

"But you know you'll get it. You've got the job if you want it." He pauses. "So do you?"

"I...I don't know yet." My mind fumbles for the words because I'm not prepared to have this conversation. "I haven't had time to think about it. This is all happening so fast."

"What about
us
? Have you thought about us?"

"That's pretty much all I've thought about," I say quietly.

His face falls. "And you're still not sure what to do."

He thinks I'm ending this. But I'm not. I don't know what I'm doing.

"Bryce, I need to think about this. I thought we decided not to talk about it until we knew for sure if I had the job."

"I know. I just..." He takes a breath. "I just had to tell you how I feel. I don't want you to leave." His face is pleading. "Please don't leave."

I love him, but I'm also frustrated with him. And angry. So angry.

"Dammit, Bryce!" I yank my hands from his and stand up. "Why didn't you tell me this sooner? Like back in January when I started applying for jobs all over the country?"

He shoots up from the couch. "You're mad at me? I bring you roses and beg you to stay and you yell at me?"

"I'm mad because you waited so long! You had months to tell me this and you choose to do it now? Is it only because there's a real possibility I might leave? Is that the only reason you're telling me this?"

"I'm telling you because I love you." He raises his voice. "Why are you trying to make this so freaking complicated?"

"Because it IS complicated. You and I have a history. A long history, and not all of it is good. You told me that you knew you loved me back on graduation night." My voice cracks and I take a breath, trying to get through this without crying. "So if you knew you loved me, then where the hell have you been the past four years? Why were you dating other girls when I was right here? I was RIGHT here, Bryce, for FOUR years, and you never once even asked me out." I'm crying now. I can't help it. I've bottled this up for so long, and now all the emotion I held back for so many years is breaking free.

"Jen." He reaches for my hand but I back away and walk behind the couch.

"Tell me why. Why did you wait four years to tell me you loved me?"

He looks down at the floor. "Because I didn't think we had a future together. You were going to college. Moving forward. I didn't want to hold you back. I thought it was better if we just stayed friends."

"So you made that decision FOR me, instead of letting us both decide."

He doesn't answer so I continue.

"If you'd talked to me after that night, and told me how you felt, you know what I would've said?" I don't wait for his response. "I would've told you that I want to be with you no matter what. I would've said you were crazy to even think that you were holding me back." I sniffle and wipe my tears but more fall in their place. "You're the reason I'm here right now, Bryce. Living in my own apartment. In college. About to get my first real job. I wouldn't have any of this if it weren't for you. You were only six when we met, and yet you knew my mom wasn't taking care of me. So you brought me to your house. Told your parents about me. You gave me a family. People who cared about me and fed me and made sure I went to school. And if I hadn't had that, I would've become my mom. I wouldn't have graduated high school and I sure as hell wouldn't be in college." I wipe my eyes. "So don't you dare fucking tell me you held me back. You didn't then and you don't now. That's your own insecurities talking. And it's an excuse. An excuse so you don't have to be with me."

"I just TOLD you I want to be with you!" He comes around the couch and stands in front of me. "Why are you bringing up the past? It's over. I screwed up four years ago, okay? But I don't want to do it again, which is why I'm telling you how I feel."

"For now. But what if you change your mind?"

"Fuck," he mutters, turning and walking away from me. He whips back around. "Why are you doing this? To make us break up? So it'll be easier for you to take this job?"

I throw my hands in the air. "Yeah, that's why I'm doing it. It's all about me. To make things easier on me." I shake my head. "You're such an ass sometimes."

He storms back to me. "Then tell me why. Why are you talking about four years ago instead of right now?"

"Because you broke my heart four years ago!" I yell at him. "And I don't want you doing it again. You say you love me, but apparently you've loved me for the past four years, maybe even longer, and yet you didn't tell me until just a few weeks ago. I want to trust you, Bryce, and as a friend, I DO trust you, but as a boyfriend, I'm not so sure. I don't trust this will last. I'm afraid you'll find some excuse for why it won't. And then what? I'll be here in Chicago without a job."

"I never said you couldn't take the job." His voice softens and he gently cups his hands around my face. "All I want is for you to be happy, and if taking that job makes you happy, then take it. We'll try to make the long-distance thing work." He sets his eyes on mine. "I'm not breaking up with you. If you want to get rid of me, you're gonna have to be the one to break it off. I love you. I've loved you for as long as I can remember, and now that I have you, I'm not letting you go. I was a fucking idiot for those four years. I thought I was doing the right thing, but I wasn't. I know that now. I know I hurt you, and I know you're angry, and I'm sorry. For all of it. I should've been honest with you, but I wasn't and I'm not going to make that mistake again. So here's the honest truth. I don't want you to go. I want to be able to see you every day. Hold your hand. Kiss you. Take you out to dinner. Buy you Oreos and make pizza bagels together." He pauses. "I know this decision is up to you, but I couldn't let you leave without telling you how I feel."

I'm not sure how to respond. Bryce said a lot of things and I want to believe every single one of them, but there's a part of me that doesn't. It's the part that still remembers the last four years and all the pain and hurt I felt trying to be more than friends with Bryce, but having him reject me over and over again. What if he does it again? How do I know this isn't temporary? Bryce says it isn't, but can I trust his words? Do I give up this job to find out?

"I need time to think about this," I say. "But I want you to stay. So will you?"

"You don't have to ask. You know I will." He kisses me. "I love you."

"I love you too." I sniffle. "I need to go clean up my face. I'll be right back."

When I return to the living room, Bryce is sitting on the couch.

"We should probably get something to eat," I say. "I haven't eaten all day."

"Me either."

"Are you serious? You usually eat every hour. Are you sick?"

"I didn't have an appetite."

"Oh," I say, realizing he didn't eat because of me. And I didn't eat because of him.

"Do you want to just order a pizza?" he asks. "I don't really feel like going out."

When the pizza arrives, I have a slice and Bryce has two. Normally, Bryce could eat a whole pizza by himself and I'd have at least three slices, but tonight, neither one of us has an appetite.

We lie on the couch and watch TV. I feel like we should be talking about this, but I don't know what to tell him. He wants me to stay in Chicago, and I would if I knew I had a future with him, but I'm not sure he can give me one. So do I take the future I'm sure of? The job in Denver? Or do I stay here and trust that Bryce won't break up with me? He said he wouldn't, but can I really believe him? His insecurities drove us apart in the past, and despite what he says, I'm afraid it'll happen again.

There's a knock on the door. I sigh as I get up from the couch. "It better not be Chad."

"Why would it be Chad?"

"He's writing the group paper this week and said he had questions."

"Let me get the door." He goes over there and opens it. "What are you doing here?"

I see my mom walking in. "I came to see my daughter since she never calls me or comes over to see me."

"Mom." I go up to her. "You need to call first. You can't just stop over."

"Oh, really? Is that true for your boyfriend too? Or just me?"

Bryce stands next to me. "Rita, just go. This isn't a good time."

She points her finger at him. "Don't you tell me when it's a good time to see my daughter! I'll see her whenever I damn well please."

"Okay, stop," I say. "Both of you. Mom, I know you wanted to see me, and I promise you, I'll come home this weekend and we'll go out for lunch or do something else. I just can't do this right now. I have too much going on."

"Then tell HIM to leave." She waves her hand at Bryce. "HE'S your problem. Not me."

"Seriously?" Bryce raises his voice. "You're the one who—"

"Stop!" I yell it this time, then go to the door, holding it open. "Mom, you need to leave. And Bryce? You should probably leave too."

"Me? What did
I
do?"

"I need time to think, and I can't think with the two of you fighting."

My mom crosses her arms over her chest. "I'm not going unless he's going."

Bryce glares at her. "You're such a child. Why don't you act like an adult for once and just leave like she asked you to?"

"Fine." She slowly grins as she looks over at me. "I'll leave, but not before I have a little chat with my daughter."

"We'll talk this weekend," I say. "I don't feel like talking now."

"It won't take long." She walks over to the couch. "Come sit down."

I look at Bryce. He's shaking his head. He wants me to kick her out, but I can tell she's not going to leave until she says whatever it is she wants to say.

"You need to make this quick." I close the door and go sit on the couch next to her. Bryce remains where he is, watching us and muttering something under his breath.

"You know how much I care about you, honey," my mom says, holding my hand between both of hers.

Her voice has that edge to it that tells me she has a motive. Saying she cares about me is just a setup for whatever's coming next. And I have a feeling it's not going to be good.

"Just say what you want to say," I tell her.

She tilts her head, looking down at my hand in hers. "I don't want to see you get hurt again. I care about you too much to let that happen. That's why I need you to know the truth about Bryce."

He races up behind the couch. "What the hell are you talking about?"

She ignores him, and raises her eyes back to mine. "I know what happened on graduation night. I overheard you talking to your friend, and I know you and Bryce kissed. I know how much it meant to you. How you thought he cared about you. Maybe even loved you."

I hear Bryce talking. "Rita, stop. She doesn't—"

"Wait." I hold my hand up to Bryce. "I want to hear what she has to say."

"Whatever she says is a lie. Don't listen to her. She wants us to break up. She told me just last night that she's gonna try to break us up."

"Is that true?" I ask my mom.

"Oh, sweetie." She gives me a sad smile and runs the back of her hand along my cheek. "Bryce did this to himself. I'm just tired of keeping this a secret. It's time you know." She glances at Bryce, then back at me. "The night after graduation, Bryce—"

"Rita," Bryce growls through gritted teeth. "I'm begging you not to do this."

"Do what?" I keep my eyes on my mom. "What is he talking about?"

"Bryce had sex with some girl the night after graduation. I saw them in a parking lot going at it in his truck."

A heavy, sick feeling permeates my stomach, extending up my chest, causing an ache just over my heart.

"So the truth is, honey," my mom says, "Bryce didn't care about you. He didn't love you. That kiss you two shared meant nothing to him. That's why he stopped talking to you. You were just one of many."

"No!" Bryce yells. "Jen, that's not true. I swear to you it's not."

"What's not true?" I ask, tears forming. "That you slept with that girl, or that you didn't care about me?"

"That I—that I didn't care about you. That's not true. I DID care about you. I LOVED you. I still do. I always have."

"So the part about..." I take a breath. "You had sex with that girl? The night after we kissed?"

"Fuck," he mutters, dropping his head and pinching the bridge of his nose.

"Did you?" I ask. His response already tells me the answer but I want him to say it. "Did you have sex with her?"

"Yes," he whispers, then lifts his head to look at me. "But it didn't mean anything. I swear. I barely knew her. And I didn't plan it. She was on break at work and she came out to my truck and...it didn't mean anything."

"Why?" Tears are now streaming down my face. "Why would you do that? Unless you were lying when you said you loved me."

My mom gets up from the couch. "I'll let you two chat." She smirks at Bryce. "Good seeing you, Bryce." She walks to the door, but stops before she gets there. "Oh, and Jen. Bryce is the one who paid my parking ticket. He offered to pay it in exchange for me keeping quiet about this little fling of his." She sighs dramatically. "Lying to you? Bribing me? Covering up his sins? I wouldn't trust him if I were you. Bye, sweetie."