Can't Wait to Get to Heaven (31 page)

Tot Still Telling It Like It Is

9:45
AM

A
s busy as she was on Wednesday, Norma was in her chair as usual and had braced herself for another tirade from Tot.

“I’m telling you, Norma, entertainment has gone from bad to worse. With all that violence and sex stuff they put in the movies now, no wonder people around the world don’t like us, if they think that’s what we are like.”

“It could be,” said Norma.

“Why don’t they make movies about nice people like they used to? I don’t mind a little cussing, I do my share, but it seems like every movie I see, every other word is the
F
word. I’m not a prude, my God, I’ve been married twice, but what ever happened to love stories? Nowadays, it’s hello, how do you do, let’s have sex—and I’m not so sure they even stop to say hello. Oh, it’s everywhere, even the nature shows want to show you animals having sex, and you know it’s men that are filming those shows. You sit in your own living room with your grandchildren to watch television and here comes an ad for Viagra. Good God, just what we don’t need, more men with more erections. It’s disgusting. And then they say right out loud for the whole world to hear, if you experience an erection lasting over four hours, you need to seek medical attention. Can you imagine? And wouldn’t that be a pretty sight coming into the hospital. Wasting the doctor’s time with that silliness. What idiot thought that pill up ought to be shot, and you
know
it was a man. The number one problem in the world is overpopulation and now they’re inventing pills to help make it worse. I tell you…men and their sex. Why don’t they work on curing cancer or some other diseases, and just leave well enough alone. Let sleeping dogs lie, I say. If any of my husbands had ever tried that, I would have run him off with a stick.”

She slammed a bobby pin into Norma’s scalp.

“They say our morals have just slid to the gutter and everybody has just gone criminal anymore, and we’ll be back in the jungle with bones in our noses and sticking each other in pots, if we don’t watch out. I’m thinking about moving to a gated community and getting a gun myself. They say the barbarians are at the gate.”

“Oh, Tot,” sighed Norma, “you need to stop staying up all night listening to all that hate radio. It just keeps you upset.”

“It’s not hate radio, it’s the truth!”

“Well, I think if you can’t say something nice, then don’t say anything.”

Tot looked at her in the mirror. “Norma, I tried being nice and it didn’t get me anything but a bad back, a bad marriage, and two ungrateful children, plus a nervous breakdown. I’ll tell you, Norma, it’s a good thing I don’t work for the suicide prevention hotline, because in the mood I’m in, I’d tell them to just go on and do it.”

As the weeks went by, Norma realized she could no longer go to the beauty parlor without getting upset at having to listen to Tot rant on and on, and with the stress of the new job, she was afraid of having another break-out on her nose, so she made a hard decision and drove over to Tot’s house.

She walked in and said, “Tot, I came over to talk to you about something. You know I love you. I’ve known you since I was born, but you have to know something. I’ve been struggling with an anxiety disorder.”

“Oh, who hasn’t?” Tot said. “You’d be crazy not to be anxious these days. The best thing for you is to get yourself some Xanax and have a drink once in a while, that’s what I do.”

Norma said, “Well, that’s fine, but the truth is I’m trying to do it without drugs. Or alcohol.”

“Why?”

“Well, I’m trying to eliminate all the negative influences from my life, and as much as I don’t want to, I’m going to have to cancel my future hair appointments.”

Tot looked at her in disbelief. “Why?”

“Because I work so hard all week to keep myself positive, and by the end of my appointment with you, I start to feel bad and get anxious all over again. You may not realize it, Tot, but you are very negative, and it makes me feel bad.”

“Oh but, Norma, that’s just talk, that shouldn’t make you anxious.”

“I know it shouldn’t, but it does. It’s not your fault, it’s mine. I’m probably too sensitive, but I just wanted you to know.”

After she left in tears, Tot was flabbergasted. She had never lost a customer before, and it shook her to the bone.

For the next few days Norma was wondering if she had done the right thing. She would certainly miss Tot. It was hard to think of anyone fixing her hair but Tot. She couldn’t face even looking for someone else. When she had been in Florida, not having her own hairdresser had been very hard on her. They had not done her hair right for two years.

The following Wednesday, Norma sat in the kitchen looking at the clock, wondering if Tot had filled her spot yet, wondering who was sitting in the chair, having her hair rolled up. Down at the beauty shop Tot sat over in the corner staring at the empty chair. She could no more have put anybody else in Norma’s appointment spot than fly to the moon. That afternoon, Tot drove over with her shampoo and rollers in a large bag and knocked. Norma, looking somewhat frazzled, came to the door and was surprised to see Tot standing there.

Tot said, “Honey, I’ve come to apologize, and if you will take me back, I promise not to talk about anything but positive things from now on. I thought about what you said, and you’re right. I just got myself into a bad habit of being negative and I didn’t even know it, but I’m going to try and kick it. Can I come in?”

“Oh, Tot, of course you can,” said a relieved Norma.

“Whew,” Tot said. “The thought of anyone else doing your roots just made me crazy. I couldn’t bear to think of you going out to Supercuts: they don’t know you and they don’t know your hair.”

Tot washed Norma’s hair in her kitchen sink, and after she finished rolling it up she felt like a hundred-pound weight had been lifted off her chest.

As she left she said, “Norma, I’ve been thinking, when you come in next week, I want us to go a little lighter with your color. I have a new product for us to try, if you’re up for it.”

“Sure, whatever you want, Tot,” she said. She was so happy to be going back, she would have let Tot dye her hair green if she had wanted to. Both her escrows were closing on time, and she had Tot back. All was right with the world again.

A Very Nice Cat

8:40
AM

E
very year on the same day Macky picked Sonny up and took him to the vet’s office for his annual checkup and shots. This morning Aunt Elner was in the living room waiting for Macky, and Sonny was already in his cat cage ready to go.

When he walked in, she said, “Ohhh, Macky, is he mad at me. He knows where he’s headed and he’s not happy about it either.”

Macky picked up the box. “How did you catch him?”

“I tricked him, I opened up a can of cat food and when he tried to eat it I threw a towel over him.”

He looked inside and he could see Sonny was not glad to see him.

“I’ll see you later, Aunt Elner,” he said as he picked the cage up.

“OK, tell Dr. Shaw hey for me.”

When Macky brought Sonny back that afternoon, Aunt Elner was out on the porch to greet him, happy to have Sonny back home.

“How did he do?”

Macky handed him over. “Just fine, he’s good to go for another year.”

“Did he bite anybody?”

“No, not that I know of.”

“Well, good, they say he’s hard to pill.”

Early the next morning Norma was in the kitchen trying to pull together a home inspection and a termite report on the old Whatley place when the phone rang. When she picked it up, it was Aunt Elner.

“Norma, you are going to have to get Macky to come up here and take this cat back over to Dr. Shaw.”

“Why?”

“It’s not my cat.”

“What do you mean, it’s not your cat?”

“It’s not my cat. He’s a very nice cat, but he’s not my cat.”

“Of course it’s your cat.”

“No, it’s not.”

“What makes you think it’s not your cat?”

“I can just tell. You know your own cat, Norma.”

“Well, maybe he’s still traumatized from having to go to the vet, give him a day or so and he’ll be back to his old self.”

“I’m telling you, Norma, this is not my cat. This cat’s hair is fuller around the face than Sonny’s was, and his personality’s not the same.”

“Honey, Dr. Shaw has treated Sonny for years, he would know if it was the right cat or not. What possible reason would he have for giving you the wrong cat?”

“Maybe they gave Sonny to some other person, and I got their cat by mistake. I don’t know, but I do know this is not my cat.”

Norma hung up and called Macky out at The Home Depot.

“Macky, Aunt Elner thinks the cat you picked up yesterday is not Sonny.”

“What?”

“She’s convinced that the cat you brought back is not her cat.”

“What makes her think so?”

“Oh, I don’t know, Macky. What makes her think anything, but you better go over there and talk to her.”

“Have you called Dr. Shaw? Who knows, maybe they did give her the wrong cat.”

“You saw the cat, Macky, didn’t it look like Sonny to you?”

“Yes, but all those orange cats look alike to me, I couldn’t tell one from another.”

Norma felt like a fool but she made the phone call anyway just to be on the safe side.

Dr. Shaw was in the back busy clipping Beverly’s new ferret’s toenails, so Norma spoke to his wife, who worked in the office.

“Abby, it’s Norma, let me ask you a silly question. Did you happen to have more than one orange cat over there the other day?”

“Other than Mrs. Shimfissle’s cat?”

“Yes?”

“Gosh, I don’t think so, why?”

“Oh, she has some crazy idea that the cat Macky picked up yesterday is not her cat.”

“Huh…well, let me check it out and make sure, but I don’t remember and I was here. Hold on…. No, no other orange cats were here.”

“Aunt Elner, I just spoke to Abby. Honey, that had to be Sonny, she said they didn’t have any other orange cats over there.”

“Well, I don’t know what to tell you, but this is not my cat. It’s too bad cats don’t have fingerprints or I could prove it to you once and for all. Like I say, he’s a very nice cat but he’s not my cat.”

“Well, what are you going to do?”

“What can I do, just keep him, I guess. I’ve gotten used to him now. I just hope whoever has Sonny is sweet to him.”

“Ironic,” thought Norma. They had switched cats on her in the past and she had not noticed, and now, when she really did have the right cat, she thought she didn’t. Go figure.