Captured Again (21 page)

CHAPTER 25

“Gabby,
how are you feeling about your mom?”

Gabby glared at the sparsely decorated office, wishing she wasn’t there. Now that Jake was home, she had so much to do and a sudden burst of energy to do it. She’d been hesitant to ask for more time off from work, but when she’d made the call, her boss was thrilled that Jake had come home and she’d shaken off the fog, as well as the unreality of Jake’s death. He had encouraged her to take the entire week off and told her he would inform the staff that she now knew what they’d known all along—Jake was alive and well. Gabby was embarrassed, but her heart swelled when her boss had explained Olivia and Emma had been to see him shortly after Gabby had returned to work, and that he, and eventually the rest of the staff, had been made aware of her memory lapse and struggles with PTSD. They’d all known and quietly supported her, waiting for her to remember on her own, as Olivia and Emma had asked them to do. She loved these people; she was fortunate to have such a kind and caring work family.

Gabby was glad he’d offered the entire week. She was looking forward to having Jake all to herself. She had shirked her responsibilities to him long enough and wanted to cook for him, tend to him, and just watch over him. He still needed lots of rest to counteract the physical therapy he was doing for his leg. And she had plenty of neglected housework she’d hoped to handle while he was asleep.

Unfortunately, she was still expected to see Dr. White and the reminder appointment call made sure she hadn’t forgotten. If she didn’t attend, she ran the risk of her and Jake switching places—her at the hospital and Jake at home.

She also was a little pissed off at the question Dr. White opened with.
Bam
—right in her face! He’d been constantly briefed by Olivia or Jake; she felt sure of that. So he most likely already knew what had happened this morning.

“Well, seeing as how I just found out my mom is
dead
, I’d say I feel pretty friggin’ bad, Dr. White,” Gabby spit out between clenched teeth. “How the hell did you
think
I’d feel?”

“Gabby, let’s be careful how we word things. You didn’t just find out your mom died. You just stepped out of a PTSD breakdown and
remembered
your mom died. You’ve subconsciously known it all along,” he answered patiently. “Now, how do you feel about admitting to yourself Jake is alive but possibly disabled and permanently scarred?”

Gabby repositioned herself in the chair, taking time to gather her composure. She didn’t want to make an enemy of this doctor. He held the ticket to her full release. “I’m not sure how to feel, to be honest, Dr. White. I’m grateful to have my husband back, and the scars are barely noticeable—at least to me—and a slight limp is not exactly disabled. But I’m not sure I should feel any happiness when my mom has just died.”

“Actually, I think it is okay to admit you’re feeling a little bit of happiness. I think your mom would want that, don’t you?”

“Yeah, she would. She’d want that,” Gabby said, just as she was realizing it was true.

“Then go ahead, Gabby. Tell me how you really feel, how you felt when you woke up and remembered the truth.”

Gabby inhaled, holding the breath deep in her center, and then exhaled. “When I woke up, I felt shattered—hopeless. I immediately remembered Mom’s funeral, but it didn’t register to me that if it was Mom that died, that Jake was still alive. I hadn’t gotten that far in my mind yet. All I could think of was I needed to go talk to Mom—to say good-bye. I went to her grave to tell her I was sorry, and I fell apart.

“And then Jake came. I’m not sure I can exactly explain the feeling that went through me. Maybe first disbelief, then a flash of memories from the night of the accident... horror, pain, and finally relief. For that moment when I put my eyes on him and realized he was alive, it was a feathery, warm light all inside me. I felt like I was wrapped in a big, warm blanket—a safe blanket—the moment I saw him standing there. And I felt a heavy sadness leave me. I was weightless for just that moment—free from the loss of losing him, at least.”

Gabby looked up and met the doctor’s eyes.
Is that enough?
She waited for his response, but he continued to just look at her. She’d have to dig a little deeper.

“I’m still sad, but different sad. I’m in misery over my mom being gone, and I still feel responsible. But I know she was doing what she wanted to do, and that was being there for me.”

Gabby felt guilty admitting her happiness that Jake survived.
Had I been given the choice of which one was to live and which one was to die, I’d have chosen myself before my mother or my husband. I feel sure I would have... wouldn’t I?
She felt her face heat up and wanted to just end these meetings so she could stop thinking about it. She would tell Dr. White everything she knew so maybe she wouldn’t have to come back.

“I remembered what I had forgotten about that night—what I’d blocked out. Jake couldn’t calm me down enough to get me into the car at the restaurant the night of the accident. He called Olivia, but her phone was off, so he called my mom. Nick drove her all the way there, to the restaurant, so she could hold my hand and coax me into the car. She insisted on riding with me and Jake because I was so upset. I remember sharing all that had happened with both of them, and I remember Mom sitting in the middle of the back seat, without her seatbelt, just so she could reach me, so she could hold me while I said what I needed to say. I can see it all now, in my mind. One arm reaching between the front seats, covering my hand with her own, and her other hand was on my shoulder. My mom was holding me—comforting me—when she died.”

“And do you remember more clearly
after
the accident, too?”

“I do now. After seeing the blood run down Jake’s face, I passed out. When I woke, I assumed it was him on that gurney with a sheet pulled over him. I had completely forgotten Mom was there, in the car with us. They must have told me then it wasn’t Jake. I’m sure they would have... but I didn’t remember. Olivia said she came into my hospital room and told me Jake was alive—and Mom wasn’t—and that Jake was in surgery for his face and his leg. She said I freaked out. I remember screaming because everything was clouded, blurred. I couldn’t make sense of any of it. Then, I either passed out again or they put me out, but when I woke up, it was Jake I mourned—not Mom. I refused to accept she was gone because of me. I was so confused.”

“Gabby, you did not just get confused,” said Dr. White. “Thinking you saw your abuser that night triggered your PTSD. Before you could deal with that, you were slapped with a life-changing tragedy: the loss of your mother and your husband critically injured... You couldn’t cope with your own grief, or Olivia and Emma’s. You felt like your mother’s death and Jake’s injuries were your fault, so your PTS put up roadblocks and muddled your memories. The important thing is you know now what happened and you go through the grieving process for your mother. There’s no getting away from it but to go through it.”

“I know—and I am. I’m making progress.” Gabby paused and thought of the night at her mom’s house.
They’d said Mom wasn’t going to be there for dinner. Why had I blindly believed that bullshit? Mom would never be gone during our monthly dinner at her house. It all makes sense now, what they were talking about when I overheard them, why Nick was cooking and doting on me...
She knew she owed Nick some time, time to grieve Mom together—properly. Everyone had put on a strong face for her—and lied, sort of.

“I do have a question, Dr. White. Did you ask my family not to tell me my mom had died and my husband was alive?”

Dr. White nodded his head. “Not at first. You just said yourself that your sister, Olivia,
did
tell you those things at the hospital immediately after the accident. You couldn’t handle it so you made up your own reality to avoid the guilt of your mom’s death—and maybe to punish yourself by feeling your husband’s. I’m not positive, Gabby. What I do know is you had to be sedated, and when you woke up, you were in a fragile state of mind and you told us your altered version of reality.

“I asked your family to not argue that reality. I told them if you didn’t come to your senses on your own, your husband and I would confront you together, once he had recovered enough to get out of the hospital and meet me here. That was our plan and it would have happened this week, but you did it on your own, as I’d hoped you would. I’m glad you did. It shows you’re stronger than we thought you were. But you can’t let your PTSD take control and sink you into avoidance again. You need to embrace the real reality, even if it hurts.”

“I am. I’m one hundred percent going through it—not blocking it out anymore,” Gabby said and bit her lip to stifle the urge to cry. She knew her time was almost up and Dr. White wasn’t here to handle her grief. She had Jake, Nick, and her sisters to help her through that, and she to help them.

“Good. That’s what I need to hear.” Dr. White smiled and stood up. “I guess I’ll see you next week, then?”

Gabby couldn’t help herself; she let out a frustrated sigh. “I feel pretty good about where I am now. Do you think I need to come again?”

Dr. White smiled and nodded his head. “I do. For now. Let’s be sure we stay on the right track. I think it’s important to talk through the stages you’re going through as you’re going through them. I also need to know if anything else pops up that we need to deal with. Okay?”

Gabby stood too and grabbed her bag, holding it closely, as if it held the one guarded secret she was keeping from Dr. White and she didn’t want it to escape. She felt like she was being watched—stalked—and if she told him, he’d chalk it up to paranoia, delaying her release even longer. She quickly made her way to the door, answering him over her shoulder. “Sure, I’ll make an appointment for next week, then,” she said, reaching for an upbeat voice in effort to conceal her disappointment. She had hoped he’d release her from these visits now that she had stepped out of the dark camouflage of her illness and come to grips with her reality.

On her way to the truck, she realized Jake was at home—finally. She hurried to get there. It was time they talked too.

CHAPTER 26

“Jake,
” Gabby whispered, “I’m so sorry...”

She sat on their bed as Jake stood looking around their bedroom, leaning against the footboard for support. Gabby ran her hand over their bedspread, smoothing out invisible wrinkles, unable to meet Jake’s eyes.

They hadn’t spoken much on the way home from the graveyard earlier. Gabby had felt self-conscious driving Ruby with Jake in the passenger seat, and a little weird just being together again. She hoped that would go away soon; they’d never been this way with each other before. But she hadn’t been able to break the silence on the short ride home. There was too much to say; she didn’t know where to start, so she just didn’t. Jake had seemed happy enough to gaze out the window at all he’d been away from for so long, occasionally sneaking a glance at Gabby.

After they’d gotten home, Gabby had helped Jake in and settled him on the couch, then had rushed out to make her appointment with Dr. White, thankful to avoid facing Jake with an explanation for just a little longer while she was still trying to work it out in her own head. Talking it out at Dr. White’s office had helped, although she’d never admit that to anyone.

Now they were home together—finally—and Gabby was still fumbling for words. How could an “I’m sorry” ever explain to Jake how confused she’d been, how she’d thought he’d died and just put that thought away, like a piece of fine China, never to be taken out and examined for fear of breaking, but it was her who would have broken. Her mind had blocked her memories in self-preservation, twisted her thoughts and tangled everything until all she could do was focus on life
after
. Now she could see
after
wasn’t what she thought it was going to be. She still had Jake—and she was so thankful—but she’d lost her mom.

She started again. “I know it sounds crazy, but I really did believe it was you who died. I didn’t remember it was my mom. I don’t understand how I could have
not
known... I’m so sorry I left you there in the hospital alone. I should have been there—”

“Shh, Gabby,” Jake answered, limping over to take her hand in his. “You don’t have to explain. Dr. White and I talked every week. Between him and your sisters, I knew what you were goin’ through, and your sisters were there every day, bringing me food and clean clothes, jibberin’ and jabberin’, driving me a little crazy...” he trailed off and laughed. “Seriously, they took turns popping in and kept me motivated so I would work harder to get to walkin’ again. I needed to get outta there and get home—I was chomping at the bit to get to
you.
”

Gabby looked up to see a mischievous smile cross Jake’s face. He raised an eyebrow. She smiled back. She knew that look. “Should you be... can you...?”

“Damn straight I can,” Jake said as he pulled his shirt over his head and tossed it across the room. He unbuttoned and unzipped his pants, showing a peek of his boxer briefs. “I may just need a little help gettin’ my boots and pants off.”

He sat down beside her on the bed, thrusting his boots out before him. He turned to Gabby, tilting his head and giving her a half smile. He waggled his eyebrows at her, as if to prompt her into action. It was obvious he wanted her to take off his boots, and Gabby knew where that was leading.

She leaned over, resting her head on his shoulder.

“Jake, I don’t know. I want you, I do...” Gabby said, feeling a blush creep up, “but your leg... my mom... Do you really think we should be doing this right now?”

“Heck yeah, Gabby. Stop
thinking
. It’s time to start feeling again... time to feel me, girl. I’m here. I’m real. Your mama’s gone, but I’m not. You can grieve for her later. Right now, I just want my wife.”

Gabby’s resistance melted away. Although she still felt fresh despair for her mom’s death, she needed Jake... in the intimate way a wife needs her husband. He was her rock, and she knew once they reconnected, it would keep her grounded in the here and now. Jake knew her well—better than she knew herself, she sometimes thought. He’d known Gabby needed to feel him again, as close as they could be.