Carried Forward By Hope (48 page)

He turned back to May. “Could we eat early? Around seven o’clock?” He waited for her nod, gave Janie another gentle smile, and then strode from the room purposefully.

******

“It’s time, Robert,” Amber said firmly. “You and I both know it’s time.”

Robert gazed at the little girl, bemused by her calm assurance but also aware she was right. The knowledge both encouraged him and shamed him. As he had felt the strength returning to his body, his shame over what he had put Carrie through grew with it. There were days he truly wished he had just withered up and died, but there were other days when he had hope for the future again.

“Robert?” Amber stood in front of him, her tiny fists planted firmly on her hips. “It’s time.”

Robert blew out his breath, his heart swelling with love as he looked at Amber’s determined face and shining eyes. She had curled up with him in bed every day for the last month. She said she was reading to him, but he had to interpret many of the words for her — even ones he suspected she already knew. As his brain came back to life, and as his soul responded to her quick laughter and unconditional love, his body began to chafe against his continued inactivity. As laughter, talk, and the sounds of the plantation filtered in through the window, he felt a yearning to be a part of it. He knew it was nothing but fear that was keeping him from moving forward.

Robert nodded slowly. “Okay,” he said. The very act of saying the simple word seemed to blow a fresh breeze through his soul. He could feel the solid wall of fear dissolving and crumbling away as he made the choice for life.

“Okay,” he said more firmly, reaching out his hand.

A bright smile exploded on Amber’s face as she reached forward to take his hand.

Robert was a little in awe of the power he felt pulsing in her tiny hand.

Amber nodded, a light smile playing over her lips. “Auntie JoBelle tells me I have the healing touch,” she confided.

Robert smiled when he thought of the tall, statuesque woman who had convinced Polly he could walk again after his wounds at Antietam had left him paralyzed. She had suggested the warm rags and leg movements that resulted in what he believed was a miracle. It didn’t matter that she was as surprised as anyone when he actually walked again. It had been her belief that made it possible. “I think she’s right,” he managed.

“It ain’t gonna be as hard as you think, Robert,” Amber said confidently.

“I haven’t walked in almost three months,” Robert reminded her.

“Nope, you ain’t, but you been moving them legs for the last month,” Amber reminded him with a grin. “Don’t worry. I ain’t told anyone our secret.”

He had allowed Amber to move his legs, exactly as she helped her mama do two years earlier, but he wouldn’t let her tell anyone. Robert hadn’t wanted to build Carrie’s hopes only to dash them again. His wild wavering from hope to despair was painful enough — he refused to create any more dark shadows in his wife’s beautiful eyes.

“My mama says I can’t think my way out of being scared,” Amber said. “I just have to go ahead and do the thing I’m scared of.”

Robert was suddenly curious. “What are you afraid of, Amber?”

Amber regarded him solemnly. “I’m afraid I can’t get you to walk again,” she admitted. “Carrie loves you a right lot, Robert. She came all the way up to home to get us and bring us back here. That’s a powerful lot of love.”

Robert’s heart swelled with emotion. Amber was right. He wasn’t going to
think
his way into walking. He grasped her hand tightly and swung his legs over the side of the bed. He knew Amber couldn’t support his weight, so he had asked her to put a sturdy chair beside the bed. He took a deep breath, grasped the back of the chair, and pushed up with his arms.

He stood.

“You did it!” Amber cheered, clapping her hand over her mouth, and running to peer out the window to make sure no one else had heard her. “The coast is clear,” she whispered dramatically, her eyes sparkling with fun.

Robert chuckled and sucked in his breath, realizing his legs felt weak, but they were definitely working. He stood there a few moments and then forced his legs to move, walking to the end of the bed. He grabbed the bedpost when he felt his legs quiver, but they continued to support him. A broad smile exploded on his face. He knew all he needed was time.

Amber grinned with him. “I done told Moses that we would fix you up, just like we did that night when he brought you to us.”

It took Robert a moment to understand what she had said. He turned questioning eyes to her just as she slapped her hand across her mouth again.

“I wasn’t supposed to say nothing about that,” Amber cried. “I just forgot for a bit!” Her eyes were wide with distress. “I told Carrie I was real good at keeping secrets. Now I done told you about it.”

Robert eased back and sat on the bed, his mind racing. “What are you talking about?”

Amber just shook her head. “I wasn’t supposed to say nothing!”

“But you did,” Robert said gently. “Why don’t you go ahead and finish?” He knew he shouldn’t press Amber to reveal a secret she had sworn not to tell, but suddenly he had to know. “Moses saved me at Antietam? How?”

Amber shrugged reluctantly. “I just knows he found you out on that battlefield. You was about dead. He found Granite too. He didn’t know what else to do with you since you was fighting for the other side, so he brought you to us. He told us to take care of you for Carrie. That was all we knew,” she insisted. “We didn’t even know his name until he brought Carrie back to find us.”

Robert’s forehead creased in confusion. “But why wouldn’t they want me to know?”

Amber shook her head. Now that she had revealed her secret, she seemed eager to help him. “I don’t know, Robert. I heard them talking about it one night when we was coming here. Carrie said there was more you needed to know, but that she wanted to tell you all at one time.” She frowned. “I guess I messed it up,” she said sadly. “I’m sorry.”

“Don’t be,” Robert responded quickly. “Maybe it’s best I know so that I’m not caught completely by surprise.”

“Could you maybe
act
like you’re surprised?” Amber asked hopefully.

Robert laughed and nodded. Suddenly he was eager to enter the land of the living again. He reached for the back of the chair and stood, willing strength into his legs.

******

Janie laughed with delight when she saw Spencer sitting in the carriage in front of the house as they walked out onto the porch the next morning. “Spencer!”

“How’do, Miss Janie,” Spencer responded, a broad smile lighting his face. “It be real good to see you again.”

Janie knew Jeremy had already spoken to him when he didn’t ask about Clifford. She was grateful she didn’t have to talk about it. In spite of her fears, she had slept soundly in Carrie’s bed, and May had already shoved enough food in her to make up for many weeks of not being able to swallow a bite.

“I hear we be headin’ out to Cromwell Plantation,” Spencer said. “I be right glad to finally see that place after hearing so much about it.”

“It’s even more beautiful than you can imagine,” Janie said. In spite of her determination not to, she peered down the road, still expecting Clifford to appear at any moment.

“Why don’t you climb on in, Miss Janie?” Spencer said. He looked around. “Ain’t you got a bag?”

Janie just shook her head. She knew Carrie would let her borrow some clothes until she could get more of her own, though how she was going to earn money to do that, she had no idea. Panic welled in her again as the grim reality of her situation taunted her. She swallowed hard as feelings of shame and stupidity swamped her.

“Don’t be listening to them voices,” Spencer advised softly.

Janie stared at him.

“I recognize that look,” he said. “My daddy used to beat on my mama. He beat on her with his words, and he beat on her with his fists. It got to where Mama just disappeared into her pain. She tried to escape sometimes, but the feelings he done put into her made her too ashamed,” Spencer growled. “My mama done just folded up and died when I turned fifteen.”

Janie laid a hand on his arm. “I’m so sorry.”

Spencer nodded and gripped her hand tightly with his own. “I’m telling you this ‘cause you escaped. You done did the hard part. Them words Clifford put in your head ain’t nothin’ but lies. You be one of the finest women I know, Miss Janie. Mr. Clifford ain’t worth nothing. You remember that!”

Janie’s eyes flooded with tears. “Thank you,” she whispered. She reached up to touch his cheek. “Thank you so much…”

Jeremy finished strapping bags into the back and swung up next to them. “Let’s go, Spencer. They are expecting us. We should be right on time.”

“Who is expecting us?” Janie asked, breathing easier as they drew further away from the house. Clifford might come looking, but it was going to be much more difficult to find her.

“That’s what I didn’t have time to tell you yesterday,” Jeremy answered. “I came to Richmond partly to handle some things for the factory, and partly to take care of an investment Abby has made.”

“A rather
large
investment,” Spencer chuckled.

“I think I would rather you see it for yourself,” Jeremy said as he looked at Janie, his eyes dancing with fun. “I’ll even let you have first choice.”

Janie stared at him. “First choice of
what
?”

Robert was sitting up in bed when Carrie brought lunch to him. She stared at him, encouraged by the light in his eyes. “Hello, dear,” she said lightly.

“Can you forgive me?” Robert asked hoarsely.

Carrie placed the tray down and settled beside him on the bed. Though there had been no intimacy, she had slept with Robert every night since her conversation with Abby by the river. It seemed to give him comfort, and it had done much to lessen the ache in her own heart. “Forgive you?”

Robert nodded. “I never understood people who could just give up on life,” he said slowly. “I never understood a level of pain that made them close their hearts and minds to anything and everything. I thought it was just a sign of weakness.” He paused.

“And now you don’t?”

Robert shrugged. “I suppose I still think it’s a sign of weakness, but I also have a better understanding of how pain can suck the life from you. People just get to the point where they can’t endure one more thing. Rather than risk more pain, they simply shut down.”

“Like you have,” Carrie said gently.

Robert flushed with embarrassment and raised his eyes. “Yes,” he replied. “Like I have.”

“And now?” Carrie asked, allowing herself to feel hope but also tempering it with caution. She had felt hope before — making it all the more difficult when Robert simply slid back into the darkness.

“And now I want to join the living again,” Robert said firmly. “I also hope you can forgive me.”

Carrie shook her head. “There is nothing to forgive you
for
,” she said quickly.

“You and I both know that’s not true,” Robert said firmly.

“You were not responsible for becoming so ill,” Carrie insisted.

“No, I wasn’t,” Robert agreed, “but I made a choice every time I kept my eyes closed when you were in the room. Or every time I refused to speak to you, or to anyone. I made a choice when I wouldn’t eat. I chose to escape into sleep and oblivion.”

Carrie gazed into his eyes burdened with regret. “I forgive you,” she said firmly. She had released her resentment months ago, and he didn’t need the burden of regret as he struggled to become strong again.

“Can you really?” Robert persisted. “I know how very difficult it’s been for you. You thought life would be better when the war ended. Suddenly you were saddled with a husband who had no desire to live. I know you came out to the plantation for me. You went to Maryland to bring Amber back…”

“Which was evidently the best decision I have ever made,” Carrie said gladly, joy beginning to spark in her heart. “That little girl is a miracle worker.”

Robert nodded. “I’m truly sorry, Carrie. It will take me time to get my strength back, but I want to be your husband again.”

Carrie gazed into his eyes for a long moment. Satisfied with what she saw there, a brilliant smile exploded on her face. “Then I suggest you start by kissing your wife,” she commanded joyfully.

Long moments later, Robert held her back and stared into her green eyes. “I don’t know how I ended up the luckiest man in the world, but I will never again let you down.”

Carrie shook her head. “We can’t promise each other that because we don’t know what the future will hold. I may be the one to let you down, or life may throw something so terrible at us that we both will want to give up.” She took a deep breath. “I think the most we can reasonably commit to is that we will never walk away from the other, no matter how dark it gets. I made you that promise when we married, Robert. I’m making it again.”

Robert smiled, his eyes shining with moisture as he clasped her hands. “And I make the same promise to you,” he murmured. “I intend to spend the rest of my life letting you know how much I love you.”

“Then I will be the happiest woman in the world,” Carrie breathed as she crawled onto the bed beside him and settled back against his chest, her head resting on his shoulder.

They spent the next hours talking. Carrie held nothing back, believing Robert could handle it. She told him about his mother and aunt, comforting him when he cried. She told him about Janie’s leaving with Clifford and all the fears she had for her friend.

“You’ve heard nothing from her at all?” Robert asked sharply. “And you’re afraid Clifford will hurt her?”

Carrie took a deep breath and nodded. “He was not the same man when he left here.”

Robert shook his head. “The war may be over, but the ramifications will continue for a long time,” he said quietly.

“I know,” Carrie agreed. She told him of seeing all the veterans on the road when they had come out to the plantation. “I have to find a way to help them,” she said softly. “I’m not sure how…”

“I know you’ll find a way,” Robert said confidently.

Carrie glanced up and then burrowed her head into his shoulder, finally letting the tears come. “I have missed you so much,” she whispered. “So very much…”

Robert held her tightly, stroking her hair and letting her cry until the tears had run their course. “How about if we watch Granite in the pasture for a minute?”

Carrie stiffened. “Watch Granite in the pasture? How…?”

Robert moved her over and slowly swung his legs over the edge of the bed. “I believe the proper term for it is walking,” he teased, his face tight with concentration as he rose to stand upright.

Carrie held her breath and watched as he stood and slowly walked to the window. She was at his side in a flash, breathing in the warm air as it flowed over them. “There is a storm coming,” she said, joy exploding through every fiber of her being that she was actually
standing
next to the man she loved.

“I would say we could go outside on the porch to watch it, but I’m afraid it will take a few days to get my strength back,” Robert said regretfully.

“How about if you had help?” Carrie asked. “I just saw Father and Moses return from the fields. I know they could get you down easily.”

“
Moses
,” Robert murmured. He turned Carrie’s head to meet his eyes. “I’m supposed to be keeping a secret, but I have so many questions exploding in my head.”

“Amber told you about Moses saving you at Antietam,” Carrie guessed. “I shouldn’t have asked an eight-year-old little girl to keep such a big secret.”

Robert frowned. “Why
is
it such a big secret? Amber said she overheard you saying that there was more to know, but she didn’t know what it was.”

Carrie nodded and took a deep breath. “It’s not my story to tell, Robert. How about if you get some rest, and I’ll send Moses up after dinner?”

“Not even a hint?”

“Not even a hint,” Carrie said firmly.

******

Moses stood at the bottom of the stairs, forcing himself to breathe evenly. He knew this day would come. He had also accepted that no matter when it actually came, he would probably not feel ready for it. Unfortunately, he had been right.

Rose slipped beside him and wrapped her arm around his waist. “Just speak from your heart,” she said gently. “You’ll find the right words.”

Moses gazed at her, wishing he had the same confidence. Finally he nodded, squared his shoulders, and walked up the stairs.

Robert was sitting in a chair by the window when he entered the room. Moses understood he didn’t want the vulnerability of being in bed when they talked. “Hello, Robert.”

Robert smiled, his brow creased with curiosity. “Hello, Moses. I understand there are things we need to talk about. Why don’t you pull up another chair?”

Moses nodded, glad to have something to do to delay the conversation even for a moment. He had played this over in his head at least a thousand times, but no scenario ever felt right. He carried the chair over to the window and sat down, gazing out at Granite grazing in the pasture.

“You’ve definitely got my curiosity aroused,” Robert finally said.

Moses nodded again, but still he was silent as he searched for a way to begin.

“While you figure out how to say what you obviously have no idea how to say, I want to tell you thank you for saving my life at Antietam,” Robert said quietly. “I’m surprised you saved me,” he added.

Moses looked up then, seeing an opening. “Me too,” he said bluntly, “but I’m glad I did.”

“Why did you? I’m pretty sure you knew how I felt about slaves and black people at that point in my life.”

“I did it for Carrie,” Moses said softly. “What I thought about you was irrelevant. Carrie loved you. I couldn’t have lived with myself if I hadn’t tried to save both you and Granite.”

“Especially Granite,” Robert said wryly. “I guess I should be glad you took me along for the ride.”

Moses laughed then, realizing that no matter what the outcome of the conversation, right now it was just two men talking. “It’s time to get this all out,” he stated firmly. “Secrets always have a way of coming out when you least want them to.”

“Secrets?”

Moses nodded and took a deep breath. “I’ve imagined this conversation so many times, but I’ve never figured out a good way to tell you that it was my daddy that killed your daddy.”

Once he had said the words they seemed to just hang in the air, supported by the breeze and the dust motes dancing in the sun.

Robert stiffened and sucked in his breath. “What?” He hardly recognized his own voice. “What are you talking about?”

“I was eleven years old when my daddy tried to escape the plantation we were on. He got caught, along with a lot of others. They decided my daddy was one of the leaders and decided to make an example of him by hanging him.” Moses paused, trying to keep his voice calm as the memories threatened to swallow him. “I overheard some men talking on the porch of my plantation so I knew what they were going to do. I didn’t want my daddy to die alone so I snuck out into the woods to watch.” His voice thickened as telling the story took him back in time.

He could feel the blackberry brush stabbing him as it pulled him into its embrace to hide him. He could see the flames roaring from the bonfire. He could hear the angry shouts of men. He could see the broken body of his daddy being prodded into the clearing with pitchforks.

Robert waited quietly, watching him closely.

“They had broken both of my daddy’s arms. They didn’t think he could do anything, so they untied his hands before they took him to the platform where the noose was.” Moses faltered as vivid images flashed through his mind.

He could see his daddy’s lips tighten. He saw the determined look that said his daddy was going to do something important. He could see the knife waving in the firelight as Master Borden threatened to cut him up before they hung him
.

“It was
my
father who was going to cut him before they hung him,” Robert said heavily, regret mixed with a lingering anger from what he had witnessed so many years before. He thought he had released all the anger, but the vivid images pouring into his mind had his heart and gut tightening like a vise.

Moses gasped. Had he said his thoughts out loud?
“How could you…?

“I was there too,” Robert said flatly.

Moses could only stare at him.

“I saw the whole thing. I overheard some of the men talking and decided to do the same thing you did. I followed them and hid away in the woods.”

“So you saw…?”

Robert nodded grimly. “I saw your daddy lunge off that platform and kill my father.”

Moses stiffened with anger but didn’t have time to get a word out.

“I also saw my father threaten to cut him with the knife,” Robert added in a voice full of regret. “I know your father did the only thing he could do. I also know I would have done the same thing if the roles had been reversed,” he added firmly. Saying those words — knowing the truth of them — released the last vestiges of anger and filled him with peace.

Moses sat back in his chair and gazed at Robert while a stiff breeze suddenly blew through the room. “Both of us lost something precious that night,” he finally said softly. He felt peace flow through him as the wind swept over his hot face.

“Yes. And it also set both of us on a course we didn’t have a lot of control over,” Robert said. “Both of us hated because of things other people did. We hated because we were taught to hate.” He took a deep breath. “Moses, you had more reason to hate than I did.”

Moses nodded slowly. “Yes, I suppose you’re right, but that doesn’t diminish the pain of a boy watching his father be murdered.”

“For either of us,” Robert said simply. A long silence fell over the room. “You knew all this when you saved me,” he said slowly.

“Yes.”

“And you knew I killed the little boy on my plantation the year before the war started.”

Moses tightened, forcing the image out of his mind as soon as it sprang up because he knew Robert was a different man. “Yes.”

“And still you saved me,” Robert said in wonder. “You took me to a black family that totally changed my life.” He reached out a hand and gripped Moses’s arm tightly. “Thank you,” he whispered, tears springing to his eyes.