Carry You Home (Carry Your Heart #2) (28 page)

Caleb nodded immediately through his tears. "Absolutely, Iz. Whatever you want."

I knew how stupid it was that, out of everything, the mural was the thing that had bubbled to the surface, but maybe that was just the safest thing to fixate on right now.

He grasped my fingers again in between his hands and pressed a long, meaningful kiss into my fingertips. "Just tell me what you need and I'll do it. If I can't do it, I'll get it for you."

I laughed in spite of myself, relieved I really was able to feel something other than pain and numbness.

"I need you to keep holding me and kissing me like this."

He nodded, immediately kissing me again. "I can do that."

We stayed like that for a few moments longer until his voice cracked against my hair.

"I named her, Iz."

My head jerked away from his chest. "What?"

Caleb swallowed tightly. "The doctor said you were right. She really was a girl and I—I named her Ava like you wanted."

There was just no way to ever prepare yourself for something like this. I'd always known I was right, even when it was too early to truly know, but hearing the confirmation...the sledgehammer that had flattened my heart got back to work again.

"I put Katherine for her middle name," Caleb went on quietly. "You were sleeping and I didn't want to wake you and I figured that was what you would want—"

I cut him off with my lips, my heart swelling at yet another reminder why he was absolutely everything I needed. He was and always had been everything to me. With him, all the pieces of my shattered existence could be pieced back together again. It would take time, but I knew that at the end of the day, as long as I could lean on this man, who was the glue that held everything together, there would be light at the end of the tunnel.

There would be life after this night.

Isabelle

The music thumped in my ears, effectively drowning out everything else, but the beat, the paint, and the canvas. My brush swirled and swayed to the rhythm, but what I was doing right now could hardly be categorized as art. Leaning back to study the muddied shapes on the canvas, I cringed at the sight.

It had been over a week and I'd spent most of that time right here, perched on my tiny stool as I attempted to exorcise the demons threatening to consume me. Which also meant my interactions with Caleb had really been few and far between. He was giving me the space I craved right now and I knew it, but the timing couldn't possibly have been worse. Caleb was due in court in three days and here we were, as far apart as ever.
 

When the day we were supposed to go to City Hall came and went, neither of us even acknowledged it. And now that we were staring down a separation, the length of which still had to be determined, this distance was only going to make things worse.

With a sigh, I gingerly set the paintbrush down and rubbed my hands anxiously against my thighs. Shutting him out wasn't going to help anything. What I really needed right now was for everything just to go back to normal. But, the problem was, with all these impending changes in my life, I had no idea how to define normal anymore.

The idea of having to confront these changes and work through this emptiness without Caleb there beside me was excruciating. How could I possibly expect to heal without being able to lean on the other half of my soul? How could I possibly expect to move on without Caleb moving in step beside me?

That last thought was all the motivation I needed to propel me out of this room and out into the rest of the house. I hadn't seen Caleb since earlier this morning, when we'd had a quiet, almost awkward breakfast. Our interactions had been tentative at best with Caleb mostly treating me like glass and with me mostly keeping my distance.

The time for separation was over.

Figuring he was most likely working on his bike or something along those lines, I rounded the corner to head towards the garage only to find Caleb already stepping into the kitchen. It was hard not to see him like this, in just a pair of red Nike shorts with sweat and grease streaked across his bare chest, and not drop everything to wrap my legs around his waist. I hadn't realized how much I'd missed him until just now.

That familiar stirring pulled at my stomach and I had to swallow down the urge to sprint toward him. While my doctor had cleared me for things like exercising and general day-to-day activities, sex was not on that list yet and it wouldn't be for another week or so, which was really a week too late. Still, I found myself chewing absentmindedly on my bottom lip with my eyes focused on those taut muscles.

"Hey, Iz," he called out to me as I slowly closed the distance between us. "I thought you'd be working a little longer."

"I did too," I shrugged. "But it was starting to look like a huge blob of nothing, so I thought I'd see what you were up to."

"Okay," Caleb nodded softly and ran a hand over his scruff.

We stood there awkwardly for a few long moments and I chewed on my bottom lip as he nervously tugged a hand through his hair. He was just standing there looking so hesitant, not wanting to make the first move and wanting to give me whatever I needed, but not completely sure what that exactly was. I couldn't wait any longer. All I needed right now was just to be close to him.

But when I got close enough to wrap my arms around him, the typical warmth I was used to seeing in his eyes wasn't there. He was smiling, but it didn't quite reach his eyes. For a moment, he even seemed frozen by my touch. Then a beat later, his calloused hands grazed my waist before pulling me flush against him as he buried his face in my neck. With a deep exhale, I leaned into him, reveling in the feel of his bare skin against my cheek.

One of his hands was gently massaging my head now as he drew me in closer and I squeezed my eyes shut. Our foreheads found their way to each other and I lifted my head just enough to search for his lips and carefully pressed my lips into his. Caleb jumped a little at the sudden contact, but it only took him a moment to recover from his surprise.

Instead of pulling me in, like he always did, his fingers tenderly grazed my cheek and I wanted to cling to him for as long as I could. He released me almost immediately, rubbed his hands anxiously on his thighs, and gestured to our kitchen table.

"Iz," he started unsteadily as he pulled out a chair for me. "I think we should talk about what's gonna happen when I'm inside."

I swallowed hard and nodded despite the fact that all I wanted to do right now was forget about everything and just be with him.

But when I sank down into the chair across from him, something shifted between us. I stared back at him in a daze, searching his face for the cause. This was more than just the weight of the last few weeks. I knew his expressions like the back of my hand and right about now, the steeled, blank resolve in his eyes sent my heart plunging down into my stomach.

We sat there like that for a few long, silent moments as Caleb quickly averted his eyes away from me and the longer I sat across from him, the more I felt like everything was about to come crashing down around us again.

He squeezed his eyes shut and rubbed a hand roughly over his face. "I don't think it's a good idea for you to visit."

Those words had me frozen to the chair and I couldn't move even if I wanted to. Suddenly, my eyes darted around the kitchen, searching for the easiest way to cut and run. Maybe if I could get out of here and bail before he had the chance, maybe I could stop this.

Caleb swallowed tightly and when he forced his gaze back on me, his eyes had glazed over. I furiously shook my head at him and just as I started pushing back from the chair to run, his cold voice stopped me.

"I don't want you to wait for me, Iz."

My mouth dropped open in protest, but my throat was hoarse and dry, unable to form the words I needed. I stared back at him in shock, my heart thundering wildly in my chest.

"I don't understand."

I understood full well what he wanted, but I needed to hear the words. I needed to make him say it.

He glanced up at me for just a moment and then tore his eyes away. It felt so foreign to see him this way, so spineless, so cowardly, and I couldn't reconcile
this
man with the man I fell in love with a year ago.

"Iz," he started again shakily, still unable to meet my eyes. "I—"

"Why are you doing this
now
?" I sputtered furiously. "And you know what? If you're gonna lay this on me now, at least fucking look at me!"

His cloudy blue eyes shot up at my outburst and the blank expression there quickly eroded into clear pain. At this point, I couldn't have cared less.

"Iz—"

"Don't call me that," I snapped.

He shifted nervously in his seat and chewed on his bottom lip with a brief nod. "Alright. I know the timing doesn't make sense to you, but I wanted us to have a couple of days to sort everything out before I leave. Like I said, I don't want you to visit me. I'm not gonna," he swallowed hard as his voice caught on the words, "I'm not gonna put you on my visitors list."

I leaned away from the table, feeling like the walls were starting to close in on me and now, I just wanted to scream.

"What about us getting married? The baby? All that just never happened?"

He couldn't hide the pain that flashed across his face, but he recovered quickly. "It's just better this way. You can stay at the house for as long as you need to, but—"

"So that's it, Caleb? Just like that?"

He shook his head and leaned forward. This time, the steel had slipped back into his eyes.

"I know this isn't what you wanna hear right now," he charged on. "But I'm not gonna let you put your life on hold. I'm not gonna let you waste years sitting around waiting for me."

Now I had half a mind to wind up and punch him right in the face. Now I just wanted him to put on a stupid T-shirt already so I didn't have to look at my name written across his chest. I just couldn't reconcile that tattoo with everything he was telling me.

"That's bullshit," I pushed out through clenched teeth. "And I missed the part where you had any say over how I spend my time while you're in
prison.
"

Resolve clouded his eyes and he sat up a little straighter. "I know you don't see it now, but this is for the best. If you're not tied to me, you're not missing out on anything. You won't be—"

"What happens when you get out?"

He swallowed tightly and folded his hands in front of him at the table. "I don't know."

"So you're telling me," I narrowed my eyes at him as I spoke, determined to make him squirm as much as possible. "That when you get out and I'm with some other guy halfway across the country and a kid on the way, you'll be completely fine with that?"

Pain flashed across his handsome face and disappeared just as quickly as his jaw clenched. "It's just like you said. I don't have any say in how you spend your time while I'm gone. If I get out and you've moved on just like I'm telling you to and you're happy...yeah, I'm good with that."

"Really."

He squeezed his eyes shut and ran a hand over his face. "Iz—"

"You don't get to sit here and tear everything apart and still call me that," I spat.

Because he didn't have a leg to stand on, he just shook his head and rubbed his eyes again. "Okay. Okay. I get it. We don't have to make it harder than it has to be."

I huffed out a bitter laugh and leveled a hard glare his way. "Let's do it the hard way, huh?"

A ghost of a smile flashed across his face, like this was exactly what he'd expected me to say. There was a hint of pride there, too, but it vanished a moment later.

"You always do this—you always do whatever you
think is best without ever bothering to actually talk to me about it first," I raged on. "All that insurance crap, buying our house, going on that stupid run, not talking to me about money
and
conveniently forgetting to mention all the other times you've been arrested, hell—I would still be at school in Richmond if you had your way."

"I wish you
had
stayed in Richmond," he nodded firmly. There was no apology. No acknowledgment that I was right. He just kept his hands on the wheel, steering this train right off the track. "I wish you'd never started working at the shop. I wish you'd never started coming to the clubhouse last year. And I wish we'd never gotten together in the first place."

I knew what he was doing. He was breaking us apart, shattering whatever was left of us, rubbing salt in the open wound all so I would hate him. All so I would stay far away.

"You don't really mean that, Caleb," my voice was trembling now, but I couldn't fight it anymore.

"Yeah, I do," he murmured and scrubbed his face with his hands again. "Being with me, Iz—Isabelle, I feel like I ruined you. I'm the worst thing that's ever happened to you."

Tears pricked my eyes and no amount of willpower could keep them at bay. They flowed down my cheeks like a river, pouring out all the things I couldn't bring myself to face.

"That's not the way I see it," I whispered through my tears. "You're the
best
thing that's ever happened to me. I don't understand why you can't see that. You've given me—"