Carter (16 page)

Carter

I wasn’t capable of more.

I needed simple.

I needed something beautiful without the pain.

I should have realized they came hand in hand.

He was MIA at the house for the five days that followed. He said he was spending time with Jared to write lyrics, but I knew it was just his way of staying away from me.

I thought about what I said to him all that time, and I realized I was absolute in my decision. I wouldn’t take it back. If he wanted me, here I was, but I was not going to take this friend bullshit for one more minute. It was terrifying waking up and having nobody to talk to. It was even more terrifying realizing my decision meant I was essentially alone now.

I didn’t cry anymore.

I was just angry.

We avoided each other when I worked. He watched me while he sat with the guys, but his face was usually screwed up in a glare. I was sure he was waiting for me to crumble and come crawling back to him. By the fourth day, his glare had turned into something less dissecting. He looked melancholy, and even when that look seared me on the insides, I kept my distance from him.

On the fifth morning, a hand nudged me awake. I opened my eyes immediately, hoping it was him. Instead, I was greeted by Rome’s face.

“Leah, we’ve gone viral,” he said to me.

He knelt down beside the bed, tapping his cell phone against his chin.

I frowned in confusion. The hell was he on about? “What? How the hell did you get inside?”

“I’ve got the spare key to the suite and you’ve been hiding out in here for days now. You know it’s noon, right? Anyway, doesn’t matter. We’re all over the internet. Some girl posted up a video of us last week and there’s something fucking crazy like two million views in six days.”

I rubbed my eyes and immediately sat up in bed. I was shocked. I couldn’t even speak for a moment as I digested his words. He was watching me carefully, a soft smile on his face.

“Who told you? When did you find out?”

“Jared just called me fifteen minutes ago,” he explained. “He told me there were links all over his Facebook of the video. There are hardly any thumbs down either, and it’s been shared forty thousand times already.”

“Wow.”

“Yeah!”

“Let me see the video.”

He handed me his phone. “It’s already on there. Just press play.”

I swiped the screen and watched it. The video was in surprisingly good quality, and it was one of the band’s more catchy songs. It wasn’t at the bar but at another gig they’d taken a while back. My chest warmed hearing Carter’s voice, singing with his hands wrapped around the microphone, looking like he was made for this. His heart poured out of him with his words, and I knew it was because of this very fact that made this song a particular hit.

The girls could be heard screaming just as the video ended, and I ended up scrolling through the comments below the video. The response blew me away, and a lot of the positive feedback had to do with Carter’s incredible vocals and, of course, his remarkably good looks. One person wrote, “This guy’s got everything: amazing voice, sexy as hell, and the song is fucking wicked.”

I laughed and shook my head in disbelief before I looked up at him. “This is insane, Rome.”

“You’re telling me.”

“Do the other guys know?”

“Jared said he’d call Leo up, and Carter’s crashing his place, so of course he knows.”

I felt a sting in my chest. Carter should’ve been the one here telling me about this.

“So what now?” I asked Rome. “Is this going to change things for you guys or something?”

“Jared said it might land us some more gigs. Our Facebook page has definitely blown up, and to think, Carter thought it was pointless having one before.” He scoffed and shook his head. “We’ll probably start our own channel on Youtube and try promoting ourselves some more. We’ve sent out our demos a long time ago, but with this video, you never know, we might hear back from somebody. We’ll put a bit of money in advertisements for gigs. If we get some more stuff out, we might get a bit of a following.”

A bit of a following? He was being way too humble. They already had a following, and it was definitely not a bit.

“This is great,” I told him sincerely. “You guys are going to go places. I just know it. With this video out and getting all this attention, you don’t know who’s going to come knocking.”

He nodded. “Hopefully, anyway.”

I replayed the video and watched it again, all the while Rome was staring at me with concern, no doubt sensing something was wrong. His warm hand grabbed at my own.

“It’s Carter, isn’t it?” he asked me quietly. “Do you want me to fuck him up? I’ll bust his eye or something. He can still sing if he’s blind.”

I laughed lightly and shook my head. “Nah, don’t hurt him. This is my doing, Rome. I want more than… what he’s offering, and he’s not capable of offering it. Which is fine. The world will keep turning. I’ve come to realize I’ve been living for years in this Carter-induced haze, and there’s more to life than obsessing over a guy. I’ll be fine. Really.”

“You know he’s messed up over his past, and once he’s over it, he’s going to realize he pushed the best thing away from him.” He frowned in contemplation as he spoke. “He probably never told you this, but he jumped me once and told me never to cross the line with you. That time, some part of me always thought we’d be together. I didn’t think he was a threat, not until he actually fucking punched me.” He chuckled lightly and shook his head. “So there you go. A guy who doesn’t want to be more than friends with you warded me away for wanting more with you.”

I stared at him in stunned silence. My jaw literally dropped. “Why didn’t you tell me?”

“I’ve got some pride, you know.”

“He punched you, Rome!”

“Honestly, Leah, that guy has such an itch for violence, are you really all that surprised?”

No. Carter had a problem with violence, so no surprise there. I scowled at Rome, though. I was pissed for just learning about this.

“Don’t you fucking dare tell him I told you,” Rome added, solemnly. “The last thing I need is to ruin the peace we’ve got going if he thinks I’m rubbing more drama in your face.”

“Don’t worry,” I assured him. “I won’t say a word. It’s forgotten.” Which was a shame. I’d have loved to know why Carter did that. Maybe it was just that he viewed Rome as competition for my attention at the time. It seemed likely.

“By the way,” Rome said, nudging my knee, “I’m glad I didn’t try and pursue you, anyway. I wouldn’t have had the fucking maturity to go through with it, and I might have ruined a good friendship.”

I nodded in understanding. I was glad he didn’t, either. I never looked at him more than a friend.

With a long sigh, I returned the phone to him. “Anyway, I’m not going to rain on your parade with my sob stories, okay? Let’s move on from all that. You need to celebrate your amazing success. That video there has two million freaking views! That is incredible!”

I distracted him well. He nodded heartily and dived into a conversation, telling me the sky was the limit, and I think he was referring to me as well.

Even if he wasn’t, I was taking it on board.

*

That evening, I texted Melanie about what had happened. I needed to get it off my chest somehow, and since I didn’t want to take it to Rome in fear of him turning against Carter and putting a wedge in the band, she was all I had left.

Mel:
If he doesn’t want more, then he’s a fool.
 

Me:
Or maybe I’ve been the fool this entire time. He was explicit about not wanting a relationship.
 

Mel:
Men are stupid. He’s actually being mopey right now, cursing at Rome because he almost tripped over his drum sticks. How do you trip over drum sticks? :/
 

Me:
Where are u?
 

Mel:
Watching them practice. Jared invited me along since I had nothing to do this afternoon. They’re going to the club tonight to celebrate the video. Jared’s also going through the emails he’s been getting over it, and apparently there’s some booking agents vying for their attention. This could be insane.
 

Me:
I know.
 

Mel:
Come out with us!
 

Me:
I’ll think about it.

I set the phone down and later joined Marlena and Harold for dinner. She seemed to sense my confliction, and she didn’t ask about it. Instead, she just smiled warmly at me and touched me softly on the shoulder.

Harold, ever the oblivious one, was complaining to us about Rome deciding to postpone Uni in order to venture out on the band. He seemed a bit haughty about it, but I admired that he let Rome decide for himself what he wanted. I wished I had parents like them.

“Focus on your education,” he told me then. “Independency is a woman’s strongest weapon. Understand, Leah?”

I nodded. “I understand.”

He seemed pleased by that and nodded back.

He was right. Being independent was important, but not just in education or employment, but everything life had to offer in general. I didn’t want my happiness to be dependent on the people I surrounded myself with. I wanted it to be dependent on me.

I just wasn’t entirely sure how I was going to get there.

I didn’t go out clubbing with the boys to celebrate their viral success. Instead, I stayed at home and went over my first semester school schedule. I was going to have my head in the books for four years. I wasn’t sure I was smart enough for this. How was I going to cope with yet another change in my life? And juggling a job on top of that? I was scared.

I could only hope it was going to be worth it. I was going to end up with a shitload of student debt stacked to the roof, and if I didn’t get a freaking job outside of waitressing after this bachelor’s degree, I probably might strangle a few teachers.

My cell phone buzzed just then. I picked it up and swiped the screen, expecting Melanie to fill me in on updates about Carter. Apparently all he was interested in doing was drinking and being a pessimist. That was alright. I sort of liked hearing it.

My heart skipped a beat when I realized it wasn’t from her.

Carter:
You weren’t serious. I know it.

I stared at the message for a little while, not knowing how I was going to respond. My chest ached just a little, and I was close to crumbling. But another look at my school paper and I knew I had to be strong.

Me:
I was very serious. I want more
.

Carter:
You can’t be without me. This is just a phase.

Me:
It’s not a phase, Carter. You either want this like I do, or you don’t.

Me:
And I’ll have you know, I have been doing just *fine* without you.

Carter:
You’re not fooling me, angel.

Ugh, I was tempted to throw the phone across the room. He was right. I wasn’t doing fine, but for the sake of what little dignity I had left, I had to pretend I was. I couldn’t let the cocky bastard get to me.

Me:
I think you need to realize there’s more to life than you.

With that, I turned the phone off, determined not to get distracted by him again.

*

A bang sounded out from the front door. After having dozed off on the couch, I opened my eyes and looked toward it.

I could hear the sound of keys jingling. I glanced at the time. 1:40am.

The knob turned, but it wasn’t opening. It wiggled and another bang sounded. I got up from the couch and went to the door. I knew it was Carter. Who else could it be? I looked through the peephole and sighed.

I was right, of course.

I opened the door and he immediately collapsed into me, knocking me back. We fell to the ground, him over me. My ass broke the fall, so it wasn’t so bad, but his upper body had me flat on the floor in an instant.

“Shit! Fuck!” he cursed, looking down at me with glassy eyes. “Sorry, Angel. Was leaning against the door.”

He smelled of alcohol, and he was drunk off his ass. The weight of his upper frame had me pinned harshly under him. I could hardly move.

“It’s okay,” I breathed out. “But you need to get off now.”

“No,” he protested in a whine, “I like where I am just fine.”

“You’re squashing me.”

He balanced his weight on his elbows and I sucked in a breath of air. What was his problem? He was
still
over top of me.

“You didn’t mean it, right?” he slurred, those plump lips demanding attention.

I stilled and eyed his mouth for a moment. “Carter…”

“You weren’t serious,” he went on, determined. “I know you weren’t. What we have is too good.”

“Please, get off.”

“Why?”

“You know why.”

He sighed and rested his forehead against my own. My body naturally warmed to him, and I had to shut my eyes to try and not be taken aback by the way he made me feel every time he touched me.

“Carter…” My voice felt weak and uncertain. I was doubting myself. This is what he did. He clouded my firm belief in something and made me question everything.

“Leah…” His lips brushed against my own. Even drunk his hands were skilled, moving down my body slowly, making my breathing hitch.

“Get off me,” I told him inaudibly.

“No,” he replied, resolute. He pressed his lips against me again, forcing me to spread my mouth apart. I felt his tongue against mine, and I sagged further into the floor. “You want this,” he muttered. “I know you do.”

I wanted this, sure, but not under the same conditions. I shook my head slowly, trying to fight this soul sucking man from ruining my decision.

His hand went to the side of my face and his mouth moved deeper into my own. He was an addiction that was impossible to kick the second you tasted it. My mouth naturally took him in, flicking my tongue against his. Fuck, it was good. I felt his other hand gripping my thigh, moving it apart from my other leg. The second he rested his lower body against me, I gasped, feeling his length pressing into me.

“I missed you,” he went on to whisper. “Fuckin’ hell, Leah, my cock missed you too.”

My skin broke out in sweat and my need to grab hold of him to me was consuming. I was so close to letting go. To saying fuck it and taking him. But I quickly broke free of the kiss instead, and pushed him off with all my strength. He fell to the side, stunned and grunting. I speedily stood up and backed away from him. I was panting and my hair was over my face, clinging to the sweat on my cheek. I was wet and needy, and it didn’t help his taste was still on my tongue. I wiped my mouth to fight against it.

“I’m done with this,” I told him firmly. “I’m not going to play your game anymore.”

He slowly stood up, his face hard now as his hair fell over his eyes. He gripped the kitchen counter to balance himself and looked back at me.

“This is bullshit,” he told me angrily. “I’m not the one playing games, Leah. I know you want me. Why deny yourself that?”

“I’m not going to keep repeating myself.”

“We were fine before!” he shouted suddenly. “I don’t fucking get it! I don’t understand where the fuck this is coming from!”

I crossed my arms, surprised by how quickly this had escalated. “I’m tired of getting hurt.”

“I’m not hurting you! You’ve done that to yourself! You’re pissed because I referred to you as my fucking friend? I told you right from the get-go that I wanted us to stay close, that I didn’t want to fuck us up by being more than friends!”

I balled my hands up and retorted, “We were never just friends!”

He shook his head, disagreeing, and pointed at me, leaning forward as he gritted out, “Then that’s your own mistake, Leah.”

“Then why touch me? Why kiss me?”

“Because I’m attracted to you, and you’re attracted to me. That doesn’t mean I’m going to unload my soul to you like you’re my other fucking half. That shit doesn’t exist! Stop deluding yourself with your fairy tale bullshit. Love doesn’t fucking exist the way you think it does. It’s made up bullshit, designed to fuck people up into having these illusions that there’s more to life. There’s not. There’s nothing out there, Leah. Wake up.”

How had things gone from bad to worse in the blink of an eye? I couldn’t even stand being in the same room as him the way he was talking to me. I saw nothing but a stranger standing in front of me. It was almost like he was trying to be a dick on purpose. Did he want me to hate him? Is that what this was?

“I’m not chasing you,” he then said with finality. “You understand? You walk away from this and you better expect I’m done.”

This was getting out of hand.

“How can you not see?” I asked him, and it wasn’t in a nasty way. I was being sincere. “All I’ve ever wanted was to be involved. To help you and be there for you. Why can’t you just involve me? We’ve been through everything together, Carter. What will it take for you to realize we have something?”

He only stared at me, though. The passion that he’d shed only minutes ago was gone, replaced by a stone cold wall I didn’t believe I would ever penetrate. His scars ran deeper than I ever thought they did. He alienated me so he could keep his secrets with him, and it was me who came to the realization that this was never going to work. We were too stubborn for our own good.

“You want me to give up on you, don’t you?” I whispered to him just then. “Well then fine. I give up.”

He stiffened just barely before tearing his eyes off of me. He walked past me and into his room without another word. In that exact moment, I regretted taking it so far with him. I wished I’d kept my distance from him, careful not to give myself away so heartily and readily. I would have taken it all back. Every moment together, beautiful as it was, I’d have turned the other cheek and moved on.

This kind of heartbreak wasn’t worth it.

*

He was sitting on the couch the next morning in nothing but his jeans on, staring on at the television with dead eyes and a frown. I tiptoed out of my bedroom and into the kitchen, hoping he wouldn’t hear me. I needed to steer clear of him. I couldn’t bear another confrontation.

I put the kettle on and dug out my mug from the cupboard. I made my cup of coffee and leaned my back against the counter, draining every last drop of it. Then I made another cup. I was dead. Physically and emotionally, I was drained and I was hoping this disgusting coffee might help clear the fog.

“Leah.”

I went rigid at the sound of his voice. I barely turned my head to look at him approaching the kitchen. He was slow, as if he too had barely slept, and he stopped in front of the counter. He stared at me with tired eyes, and I could see the surrender in them as he rested his elbows on the counter and exhaled.

“I’m sorry,” he muttered. “I was a dick last night. I’m sorry for shouting at you.”

I shrugged. “It’s okay.”

He looked at me for several moments, licking his lips for what he was about to say. “Look… I should have known, right? I should have known you would want more. I was foolish and selfish. I wanted a taste of you, had always wanted it, and I fucked up by taking that extra step. I didn’t realize in the process I would be leading you on, that you would want more from me than I could give you.” He sighed and ran a hand over his hair, staring idly at a spot on the wall. “Everything just seemed good the way it was. No strings attached. Stress free. The fact we were good friends and… I should’ve known it was different for you.”

I didn’t respond. I had nothing left to offer. Also because nothing had really changed for him along the way. He kept to the basics of what a friends with benefits should have been, and I was the one that failed to meet those conditions. To be fair, it was entirely my fault. I wanted more right from the start and was willing to take him in any way.

It made this entire situation all the more tragic, and I felt almost betrayed that even after everything, he didn’t want more.

I hated him a little.

“Look, despite everything, I care about our friendship,” he continued. “I don’t want us to have a fall-out. I can’t stand to have you against me. This can be worked on. We can resume what we were before… all of this. We can still be friends, Leah. Nothing on the side. Just friends.”

With a flat voice, I asked, “Is that what you want?”

His eyes flicked to mine, and he swallowed hard. “Yeah.”

“Then why do you sound uncertain?”

“I’m not,” he denied firmly.

I took another sip of my coffee and shook my head at him. With a monotone voice, I told him, “Somehow I don’t think being
friends
is wise.”

“Why?”

“Everything that’s happened is too fresh, don’t you think?”

He frowned. “So what would you rather us be then, Leah?”

I shrugged. “We’ll co-exist, and I’ll do my best to tolerate you, but I’m not going to be your buddy. In fact, you’re my roommate now. Period.”

“Roommate?” he sneered in disbelief.

My spine stiffened as I shot him a look. “Did I stutter?”

Despite the seriousness, his lip perked up in a smirk. “That’s not going to last very long. You’ll crumble and need me all over again.”

I raised a brow and stared evenly at him. “The truth of the matter is, Carter, you needed me a lot more than I needed you. And that’s something you can’t deny.”

That lip flattened immediately. His eyes darkened. “Is that right?”

“Yeah.”

He studied me for a moment, and I think he knew I was right. He knew this was too far fucked. That we could never be what we were before. We’d ruined that possibility the second we decided to take things further. But it was as though he wanted to put the blinders on. He didn’t want to acknowledge the horrible truth.

Well, he would have to.

As far as I was concerned, I was no longer interested in ever being friends.

Actually, I wasn’t interested in being anything at all to Carter Matheson.