Carter (18 page)

Unfortunately, they only made it halfway down my legs, and I couldn’t keep my eyes open long enough to keep trying. I fell over and collapsed into the mattress, my legs hanging off the edge.

Everything went black.

*

The next morning I would awake to find myself completely in bed, jeans off, covers over top of me, with the heater blasting from the corner of the room.

That just made me cry.

“Leah.”

He shook me awake, and I barely opened my eyes.

“You’ve been in here the entire day. You need to get up now.”

My head was pounding too much to move. I just shook my head. I needed sleep. Reality could wait a little while longer.

The covers went off of me, and I instantly shook from the chill. His strong arms wrapped around me and I shook my head in protest, but he didn’t care. He lifted me off the bed, and I curled into him, resting my forehead against his warm chest. He held me tightly on the way out of the bedroom, moving into the bathroom.

I didn’t understand why he was being so gentle. I’d hurt him last night. Why was he acting like nothing happened?

I opened my eyes and watched him lean into the shower stall. He turned on the water and slowly set me down. I stood, flushed against him, staring down at our feet. I felt embarrassed and uncertain. I was disgusted by my behaviour and unsure as to how I should apologize. No words seemed fitting enough.

“You smell,” he then told me, light-heartedly. “You need to clean yourself up, Angel.”

Angel.

That was the last thing I was.

I nodded weakly, but made no intention of moving. His hands grabbed at my shirt. “Lift your arms up,” he directed. When I did, he removed it and tossed it on the floor. I continued staring at the floor as he unclasped my bra and let that too drop. When his fingers snaked around the hem of my underwear, I looked up at him. He met my gaze, and he looked tired. So damn tired. And defeated.

It was my doing.

“Carter –”

“No talking. Let’s just shower and not say a word for a bit.”

“Why?”

“Because I think it’ll help.”

I didn’t see how it could. I’d been horrible, and he was being sweet.

He helped me into the shower and I stood under the spray. The fog slowly cleared, especially when he quickly threw his own clothes off and joined me. My eyes wandered every inch of his skin. It felt like an eternity since I’d seen him naked. I swallowed, but the rock in my throat bounced back up. I turned away from him so that my back faced him and ran my fingers through my hair.

His hands grabbed at my shoulders and he brought me to him. His arms went around me. He dipped his face to me and whispered, “It’s okay. I know you didn’t mean what you said, alright? You were trying to hurt me. I get it.”

I covered my face and breathed deeply. He just held me like that for a long while, and then he pulled away and helped wash me. I didn’t deserve this.

“I need to tell you something,” he muttered as his fingers worked through my scalp. “We’ve been contacted by a record label who listened to our demo. They’ve checked us out, saw our following and the videos we’ve put up. They want us down there for a recording. Nothing’s set in stone at all. It could be a total bust, but the music producer sounds really keen. I’m not holding my breath or anything, but the guys want to do this badly. Even if it doesn’t pan out, they think getting out of here is the best route for an even bigger fan base.”

“Oh, my God,” I whispered. I was absolutely shocked. I couldn’t even believe what I was hearing. “When do you have to go?”

“He wants us there as soon as possible.”

“Where is down there?”

“California.”

I was speechless. Utterly speechless.

“Congratulations,” I forced out of my mouth, but it sounded forced.

This is what I was waiting for. I knew they would need to branch out if they were going to take their music seriously. I just didn’t expect it to happen now.

A deep silence took over. His movements slowed, and I didn’t feel much comfort as he washed away the soap on my body. I would have preferred he left me alone right then and there. I needed to come to terms with what was to come and wrap my head around not having him here anymore.

It was like he could read my thoughts. He washed himself next and then stepped out of the stall, grabbing a towel and loosely hanging it around his hips as he left. I watched his back, took in his soaked hair that was darker when it was wet, and felt a huge sense of loss when he disappeared out the door.

I was going to miss all of him. Every little thing. Walking in the apartment and picking up his dirty socks. Listening to him sing his on-the-spot rubbish songs. Holding him to me. Joking with him. Talking to him.

Everything.

And I’d wasted so much time being angry at him.

All because of what?

Regret was a bitch, and it was feasting on my insides.

I turned off the water and stepped out. I grabbed a towel and wrapped myself before hurrying out of the bathroom. He was sitting on the couch, elbows on his knees, staring absently at a spot on the wall.

“I’m sorry,” I immediately said as I approached. I felt hot tears skid down my cheeks as I stopped beside him. “I’m so sorry for everything –”

He took me by the arm and pulled me to him. I crashed down on the couch next to him. He wrapped his arm around me and brought me closer. I cried into his chest, pained by everything.

I would never have his love.

I ruined our friendship.

I turned us into enemies for weeks.

He was going to go and I would have done anything in that moment to turn back time and savour every minute with him.

“I hate myself,” I sobbed. “I was just so hurt. I was so
angry
at you. I just wanted to be loved. I’ve loved you since I was ten years old. The first time I saw you stepping out of your car, I wanted you. I’ve always wanted you, and when you gave me a piece, I wanted it all. I shouldn’t have pushed! I should’ve just been there for you, as a friend. Then none of this would have happened.”

He listened to me. I wasn’t sure I was talking sense. I didn’t care, either. He just held me, and I could hear his heartbeats speeding up as I continued, muttering the same repeated shit over and over again. Declaring my love, apologizing, wishing that things hadn’t turned the way they did.

I was exhausted by the time I shut up and calmed down. My tears had long dried on his skin and I shut my eyes. I felt so good in his arms. Like this is where I belonged. It made the pain worsen. I was cursed. It was almost like I was wired to love him, and I wanted to turn it off.

“I lied to you about why I left the trailer park,” he suddenly whispered, pulling me out of my thoughts. “It wasn’t because of my dad. It was because of you.”

“What do you mean?” I asked, dumbfounded.

“I wanted you out of there. I’d gone around earlier to knock on your window when I heard the guys out front negotiating over something. I didn’t think anything of it at the time, but then Russell started to get angry, and I couldn’t resist eavesdropping when I heard him start to shout.

“He was negotiating the price on your head. Said you were going to be ready for the business, and they were auctioning you off for the next day. Russell warned them you’d be opposed to it, and that you’d be fighting back. He said you needed to be broken through, like he did with Cheryl, and the real twisted part was the men seemed even more eager than before.”

I felt his body tense, and his heartbeat took off against my ear, harder than before. He took a deep breath to calm himself before he continued again.

“Then they started their fucking auction, and one of them won, and it was something fucking stupid, like three hundred bucks for
all
of you. It was disgusting and I was pissed in a way I’d never felt before. I was tempted to grab my dad’s rifle and shoot them all down. It took everything in me not to. Instead, I followed after the
winner
.

“He was making his way down the street when I did it. It’d only just started to rain when I jumped him from behind and dragged him into the bush. He was a big guy, and he was completely surprised. I remember throwing him to the ground and slamming my boot against his face before he grabbed my leg and pulled me down. He fought back, punched me across the face before I rolled him back over and beat him again. He kept telling me to just grab his wallet, thinking I was robbing him or something. I didn’t listen. I fucked him up ‘til he could hardly move, and then I hurried back home and packed a bag. I waited for Russell and Cheryl to pass out. Then I went for you.”

He was shaking. I pulled away and looked up at him. He was devastated telling me this, and I felt completely broken watching him. I couldn’t believe he did that for me. All this time I thought it was his father that drove him out…

“Why didn’t you tell me?” I choked out.

His blue eyes glistened. “How could I tell you something like that, Leah? I didn’t want to make you afraid. I just wanted you to be happy. To not have to worry. To have a fresh start without the fear of some dog turning you into a whore. Truth was, I was terrified Russell would track you down. I sent him a note after we ran away, and I threatened to call the police and tell them everything if he ever showed up around here looking for you. I didn’t think that would keep him away, but it has and I don’t regret doing any of that.”

It never occurred to me he’d ever go to those extents to hide something like that from me just to make me happy. I stared at him in bewilderment, wishing he’d let me in on that.

“But your father…” I started and my words trailed off.

He looked away from me and sighed. “My father’s just a drunk, Leah. Nothing more. We’ve had fights, sure. A couple times it got physical, but he’s never instigated it.”

“You hate him.”

“I hate him for what he did to my mom. Their marriage was dysfunctional. That was my shining example of what relationships are like, and I don’t want any part of it. Things can go from good to bad in a blink of an eye. And my mom worsened around him, and in return it fucked up my childhood. He drove her away and made her do things that…” He paused and shook his head. His eyes went red in recollection. “They destroyed each other. That’s what love does, Leah. It destroys people. Look how far I pushed you.”

“You always made it clear,” I replied quickly. “It wasn’t your fault. It was my own.”

“No, Leah, it wasn’t your fault at all. You were right before. I need you more than you need me. It’s always been that way, since the first time I saw you, sitting on your porch. I saw your blonde hair and it reminded me of my mom, and all I wanted to do was look at your face. When you turned to me and your cheeks went pink, I thought you were beautiful. I’d watch you sometimes. You always stuck out. Always alone, sitting by yourself, doing your own thing. I remember watching you attack Graeme. I’d sort of hoped he would pick on you just so I could come swooping in to save the day. The last thing I expected was for you to jump him like that. It was incredible.

“I miss how we were back then. I miss our innocence. Things were shit, but life was simple, and now those days feel a million miles away and I want that nostalgia back. I need to feel like I deserve sitting next to you. I hurt you. I’ve always hurt you, and I’m a piece of shit for it.”

“We’re young,” I muttered just then, staring at him closely as his blue eyes looked into my brown. “We’re stupid… and we’re really wrong for each other.”

His chest gave out beneath me as he exhaled slowly, his eyes glistening. He knew I was right. I was coming to peace with it.

“You’re not where I am yet,” I continued, sniffing. “You’re not ready to open up. I’ve reached the point where I realize I can’t help you. Only you can do that.”

He didn’t say anything. He just listened, and the pain on his face burned me.

“It’s okay,” I said, holding back a cry. “I pushed you. I took you however way you’d give me, and I realize you’ve taken over my entire world. I… I don’t even know who I am.”

“You’re going to be amazing.”

I nodded. “One day. So are you. And… maybe one day after you’re gone, we’ll see each other again and on different terms. Maybe… we’ll be able to have a friendship again, and it be just that. Friends. But not now.”

“We can try,” he pressed me, pleadingly. His hand went to my face and his finger skimmed my lip. “I want you with me. I want you to come. I’ll take care of us. I’ll… I’ll do whatever it takes. Just come with me. With the band. It’ll be a new start. And we’ll be friends. True friends, Leah. Please.”

I smiled sadly, and pulled his hand away from my lips, motioning to it. “No, because it would mean you can’t touch me like
that
, Carter.”

His jaw tensed and he shook his head in denial. “I can do that. I’ll –”

“We’ve depended on each other in two different ways, and we need to find our own selves,” I told him. “I have a future here, and yours is out there. That’s the way it has to be. That’s the only way it’ll work. Otherwise we’ll ruin all that we are, until there’s nothing left but the bad, and I don’t want that to happen.”

I shut my eyes to stop the tears from falling. Even closed, they found a way out. I heard his breaths, hard and shaky, and when he grabbed me again, I moved into him, burying my face back into his chest again.

“You’re saying good bye, aren’t you?” he managed out, devastated. “Fuck, you’re saying we’re done when I go, huh?”