Casanova Cowboy (A Morgan Mallory Story) (34 page)

I felt like I was begging
, my trying to be calm shattering with her betrayal.
Why was she was on Ryan’s side, and not mine.
For some crazy reason that I couldn’t understand.

             
“Okay, I understand,” she said.

By the sound of her voice
, I knew she wasn’t done beating the Ryan thing. When I hung up the phone, Brad was still in the kitchen, relaxed against the sink quietly eating his sandwich.

             
“Sounds like she’s determined about you and Ryan,” he said.

             
“She’s smoking crack or something,” I said, putting my face in my hands. “I don’t know what her deal is, or what bullshit Ryan is feeding her.”

             
“Call Tate,” he said through a mouthful of sandwich.

             
I was through with crying, I didn’t want to shed one more tear over Ryan.
Why Mom, do you not seem to understand that?
I didn’t call Tate, my nerves were too raw, I called Liz instead. I needed brutally honest logic.

              My last week in Tahoe, I spent a lot of time with Tate; I really liked him. We were both moving slowly, cautiously. We were able to talk comfortably with no need to rush things. I was starting to feel like it might be able to go somewhere, that I might be able to let him in.

Tate and I spent one of my last days i
n town on his boat. We talked candidly with each other, about our past loves. We understood there was still hurt to get over on both our parts. We needed to build the trust, the friendship, before we could think about anything more. He told me to be in touch, if and when I decided to come back.

Tate held me
, and when we kissed, I was pleasantly surprised that it felt so nice. I realized then that I could never go back to the love-them-and-leave-them pattern. Ryan had taught me something after all—that love mattered. I could no longer be casual about sex and men. I wanted a relationship, and I was going to make certain that it was good and solid before giving my whole heart. I had always thought Mathew’s idea of giving half or whole was ridiculous, but I understood it now.

             
When I picked Dad up in Reno, I felt anxious, jumpy almost, at the thought of leaving Tahoe.
Going back to a place where the landscape had changed.
We spent my last night on Ginny’s deck, talking. Dad was curious about my state of mind. I was honest with him: I wasn’t sure. I told him that I didn’t want to go home, but I knew that I had to. I didn’t share all my thoughts, but I knew if I was going to make a big life change, there were a lot of things I needed to get squared away.

Chapter 4
2

As
Dad and I talked the sun started to set between the pine trees; little slivers of light filtering through their branches. I was amazed that a month had gone by so fast. When I left home for Tahoe, my intention was to cure my hurt quickly, recklessly, throw myself out there, dive back into bad habits with abandon, and move on. I had tried, but it wasn’t easy. I couldn’t wash the feelings away like dirt and be over it. My head was still trying to convince my heart it was for the best. I’d said goodbye to Tate earlier in the day, and now, sitting here with Dad made me think of home. There were a few things I missed, especially my mom.

I
barbecued shrimp and steak that night, and the three of us had a farewell dinner. The smell of pine filled my senses, and the magpies squawked in the cool evening air. Those damn birds had attacked my head more than once on my morning runs. Runs where I’d tried to clear my mind of Ryan, tried to think rationally about life and love. Their sound reminded me of that, would always remind me that there could be new beginnings. I knew I would miss this place too.

“I’ve loved having her here
,” Ginny gushed to Dad. “It’s been a real treat. She can come back anytime.”

“Y
ou may be surprised how soon that is, Ginny,” I said with a wink, as I’d shared my thoughts with her about coming back.

Ginny and I
cried the next morning as we hugged in the driveway; she had listened patiently all month to my troubles. And yes she’d mothered me just like I’d expected she would. Brad and Doug were up to give me a hug and say goodbye. Emotion welled up from my stomach making my throat tighten as I took one last look around. I didn’t want to go back and face things again, but I knew it was important.

The drive home was good bonding time. Dad and I talked about all sorts of things, enjoyed a few stops, lunch on the road, and even shared feelings about music preferences. He never brought up Ryan. Dad and I pulled up to the house right around dinnertime that Saturday, and Mom came rushing through the gate the minute she heard us.

“Ohhh,” s
he squealed grabbing me up in a hug as I got out of the car.

She held me so tight it felt hard to breath. I could smell her Dove soap, clean and light and so Mom.
Oh, how I’ve missed you!

“I’m so glad you’re home
. I’ve missed you so much,” she said, pulling away to take a look at me. “You look great: fit and tan. Come on, come on, I know I’ve heard it, but I want to hear all about it again.”

D
ad laughed as she whisked me off towards the house, her arm linked through mine. Having talked all the way home Dad was feeling filled in. It was Mom’s turn now.

“I’m leaving your stuff in the car
, right?” he called after us.

“Yes,
I’m going home tonight,” I answered.

“No
, you aren’t. Not tonight, tonight I get you. You can go home tomorrow,” she said squeezing my hand.

“We’ll see
, Mom.”

She had
made a tray of chicken enchiladas, which she knew I loved. Pat was home for dinner, and we talked about Tahoe. Pat filled me in on his activities over the last month, most of which involved parties. He was working odd jobs in between. It felt nice to be back around my family, laughing and joking like the old days. Dad and Pat excused themselves after dinner, and Mom and I stayed at the kitchen table. She was delighted to have me home. She was beaming, and I was enjoying her happiness.

The phone rang
interrupting us, and she got up to answer it. She answered whoever it was in short answers and then not so short, I finally could tell by her responses it was Ryan. My body stiffened as I listened to her. I could especially feel it in my neck and I thought about Tate’s hands, trying to focus on something else.

“
We just finished dinner. She got in about five,” she said, watching me as she listened. “No, Steve flew up and drove back with her.”

I could faintly hear his voice at the other end.

              “No. I’m making her stay here tonight. I’ve missed her. She can’t go running home to a dark house,” she explained.

She listened.

“No,” she said.

I wondered
what he asked, why he called tonight while I was at the house. She looked at me, and I knew what was coming.

“He
wants to talk to you,” she said, putting her hand over the mouthpiece.

I shook my head
, declining. She held out the receiver towards me anyway. I grabbed two handfuls of hair and pulled them up, indicating my anger. I could not believe she was doing this. This was no coincidence I realized. They had planned this. The two of them had planned this phone call. I stared at her holding the phone. She knew I was mad. I got up from the table and went to the phone, yanking the receiver from her.

“Hello,
” I said.

“We need to talk
, Morgan,” Ryan said softly.

I sucked in my breath at the sound of his voice.
I paused trying to compose my thoughts.

“
Ryan, stop, there’s nothing to talk about. Obviously my mom has been getting into my business, and she shouldn’t be,” I said, shooting her a dirty look. “I understand you two are still friends, and I’m okay with that. You can talk. I don’t need you to explain anything more to me. Really I don’t.”

Again I gave
her an angry look. The vise that seized my heart pissed me off. The butterflies flipped upside down and crashed into each other confused. The sound of his voice tore at my emotions, and I felt like everything I’d accomplished in being away was crushed. I was furious at both of them. I was trying to be strong, get over it, and yet they weren’t letting me.

“I’m leaving to go home for a week
to New York,” Ryan said. “When I get back, I want to talk. Will you promise to at least meet with me.”

“I can’t promise
to meet you, but I will promise to listen,” I sighed.

I hung up the phone and
grabbed my purse and my keys. My heart was racing, and tears burned at the back of my eyes. I wasn’t even sure why I promised to listen. I felt like I might explode.
What was he going to do, explain his feeling guilty away?

“You aren’t leaving
,” Mom said, pleading.

“The hell I’m not
. That was so contrived, it’s sick,” I spat out. “Right now, Mom, what you’ve done makes me more than livid. I don’t care how much you care about Ryan. You should be thinking about me first, and that’s not what you’re doing. You can’t make someone love me, damn it.”

I could feel the tears pressing, but I stuffed them down, afraid of letting them come.

“
I don’t want someone who doesn’t know, who questions his feelings for a minute,” I choked. “Fuck Mom, let it go.”

I tore open the screen door and s
he jumped up following me out to my car. I could tell she felt awful, tears ran down her cheeks. I knew I was hurting her by going home, but I didn’t care. She stood in the driveway, her expression pleading as I backed out. I stopped in the road to put the car into drive and gave her one last look; she leaned forward her hands collapsing onto her knees.

“I’m sorry,” she yelled.

The minute I hit the freeway ramp, I could feel the tears come, big droplets that fell onto my shirt. Animal like sounds escaped from my lips as the damn broke. The anger, hurt, and betrayal swirled through me.
What did Ryan and I need to talk about that we hadn’t already addressed?
I seriously thought about driving straight back to Tahoe and directly to Tate’s bed. Make a clean break. Run away. Right this moment I was mad at myself for making him take it slow.

When I
opened my front door, I stood in the doorway a minute, watching the green light on my answering machine blinking down the hall. The condo was dark and smelled as if it had been closed up awhile, which it had. I looked at the couch in my small living room and could envision Ryan on it, his arm resting along its back. “I don’t want her going home to a dark house” Mom’s voice rang in my ears, probably because she knew it would make me feel lonely.

How can you do this Mom?! Why?
Determined, I turned on the kitchen light and opened up the sliding glass door before I made my way to my room, to the answering machine on the nightstand. I sat down on the bed and looked at all the encouraging sayings I’d taped to the closet door mirror. Things like “If you love something, set it free, if it returns to you, it’s yours. If it doesn’t, it was never meant to be”.

I sighed and pushed the
play
button on the machine. There were a few old calls from friends forgetting I was away, a recent message from Liz asking if I was home yet, and last, a call from Mom.

“Please don’t be mad at me.
I can’t stand it. I have missed you so much,” she said, her voice trembling. “I only talked to Ryan because he needed a friend. He really does miss you.”

I pushed the
stop
and
erase
button not wanting to hear anymore. I felt sorry for Mom. I knew she’d been caught in the middle. My heart felt shattered and the tears came forth again. I was sure he missed me; like me, he’d lost his best friend too.

When I was able to stop the tears I thought about the future; what that was going to look like. I needed to take one day at a time.
Tomorrow night I was working my normal shift at The Chart House. I knew Luke would be bartending. Maybe he could help me sort out my hurt and anger, give me some advice…let me get naked again in his sail, feel free.

Chapter 43

“Hey, girlie, glad to have you back,” Luke said grinning, grabbing me in a bear hug as I topped the back stairs.

I wrapped my arms around his neck and gave h
im a squeeze.

“
I missed you, Luke, not work so much, but definitely you. It’s amazing how fast a month goes. It hardly seems like I’ve been gone, and then it seems like forever,” I said letting go of him.

He took hold of my bare arms and held me in front of him examining me.

“Nice and tan, you look great. Really great.”

“Thanks,” I said embarrassed by his enthusiasm.

“You need to tell me, tell me all the stories. I want all the gory details,” he chuckled as we walked together through the kitchen to clock in.

“At least I hope
there’s some gory details. Some that involve being naked?” he teased.

I slapped him on the back.

“You really are a perv, you know it,” I laughed.

As we set up the bar
, I told Luke about my stay at Ginny’s. The parties that I went to, the people I met. I told him about staying out all night on the boat with Brad; how amazing it was, but how lonely it made me feel. Luke attributed the lonely feeling to the partying and the blow and no sleep.

“No more pity part
ies for you,” he teased, “move along, little doggie.”

“I met a really cute guy
too. Tate,” I said with a grin.

Luke was unload
ing the glassware onto the back bar that the dishwasher had left in big green trays sitting on the bar.

“
Any potential?” he asked.

“Maybe
,” I said coyly. “He’s nice, we had fun. I left it open with him.”

He spun around to look at me, an eyebrow raised.

“Did you have sex with him?” Luke asked. “Come on, tell me there’s some sex.”

He was like a little kid begging for a lollipop.
It made me laugh.

“
I’m not telling,” I teased, torturing him.

“Ah, come on, tell me there was some wild sex, on the beach even, with multiple mind shattering orgasms.”

“Um, you paint a very vivid mental picture,” I said.

“
You’re not answering me,” Luke said his shoulders slumping, a frown on his face.

I laughed and laughed at his exaggerated disappointment. He dumped a container full of limes on my station for me to cut.

“How’s your mom? She’s glad to have you home, I would bet,” he asked.

I watched as he filled
the other garnish containers with olives, cherries, lemon wedges, and pickled onions as I cut limes.

“Right now I’m so pissed off at her,” I said between clinched teeth.

“Why
?” he asked surprised. “You just got home. The two of you are usually best buds.”

I hacked into a lime cutting it quickly in half and then into quarters.

“Because she’s trying to drag Ryan back in,” I said.

“What?” he hollered. “Drag him back in how?”

I dropped the lime wedges in the empty tray
as Luke started to polish glasses.

“I don’t know.
He says he wants to talk when he gets back from his folks in New York,” I said.

“
Screw him,” Luke said his lips pulling into a straight line.

Hack at another lime, cut, cut done.

“I agreed to talk, or listen really. I don’t have anything else to say,” I said preoccupied. “I’m curious, but I don’t know what’s left for him to say, except maybe
sorry
.”

Luke held the glass up to the light to inspect it for
watermarks.

“You don’t have
listen to him, Morgan. What the fuck do you owe him? When he comes back, tell him you’ve changed your mind. Even better, tell him you fucked Tate,” Luke said heatedly. “Hot, very hot, passionate, to the moon fucking.”

“Luke
,” I scolded. “It’s never that easy. I want to hear what he has to say; I need to. I haven’t understood this whole thing, so it might give me closure. I want to be mad; I want to hate him. I want to run back to Tahoe with my head clear and my heart open.”

“Run back to Tahoe?” he
asked, looking up at me.

“I just might
,” I said and smiled. “He’s pretty damn cute, certainly fuckable.”

Luke laughed
jovially. I tried to think about Tate, feel his skin, feel his kiss, and feel feelings for him. I couldn’t be totally mad at Mom, because it still came back to the fact that I hadn’t really gotten over Ryan. I’d stuffed my feelings down, but they were still there. That is what she understood that I didn’t.
Fuck, why was love so damn complicated?
Yes, Ryan and I needed to talk, lay it out, finish it, so I could be done.

“So
this Tate, could he be a possibility, really?” Luke asked.

“H
e’s in Tahoe. I’m here. So right now, no, but I may be open to it,” I said.

“So
, Morgan, did you sleep with him?” he asked seriously. “Please tell me you did, that you made crazy love all night long.”

I
giggled.

“You’re such a chick,
Luke, so nosy, and no, I didn’t sleep with him. I didn’t think it was fair to move forward with him when someone else was still in my head,” I said.

“Aw
, darn, I was hoping for some juicy tidbits,” Luke said with another dejected look.

“
None to give, sorry. I know I’m stupid that way. If I let them in, it’s damn hard to get them out,” I said with a cheesy grin.

The Sunday crowd was generally
the Shelter Island locals and usually busy. Tonight, the Stars and Stripes team was in and kept me running. Luke could step up his game when it got busy, and he made my job easy even when we got slammed. We hadn’t had much time to talk since set-up. Now it was late, and there were just a few stragglers in the bar.

“Don’t be so mad at your
mom. She’s stuck, even if she’s creating it. Personally, I wish you wouldn’t talk to Ryan. I don’t think any explanation he gives you will make you feel any better. You’re hardheaded, though, and I’m sure you will anyways. Now your mom, you and your mom are tight, and you need to talk. I love your mom,” Luke said with conviction.

“E
veryone does,” I said. “This hasn’t been easy on her, trying to be my best girlfriend and my mother while being friends with Ryan. I’m sure she’s conflicted.”

Someone caught his attention
at the entrance of the restaurant, and he glanced up with a hello nod and then looked at me. I was facing Luke, standing at my station, unable to see the door unless I turned around. Whoever was approaching was obviously someone Luke knew.

“Hey
, Captain Blake,” he called out loudly, in his friendly bartender-banter sort of way.

I turned around just as Blake slid his arm around my waist and gave me a squeeze.

“Eh,” Blake said staring into my eyes.

He smelled good, looked tan and handsome, and I
knew the yacht must be back in town.

“
You haven’t been in to see us forever. Lost on some tropical island, I’m betting,” I teased, leaning in to give him a quick peck on the lips.

“Back at ya
,” he said, still holding me close.

“Belly up
,” I said, motioning toward a barstool. “I’m almost off, and I can come have a drink with you.”

I cleaned up my station while Blake
made himself comfortable.

“What can I get ya
, Captain,” Luke asked in a cheerful tone.

“I’ll take one
of your cold drafts. Morgan, glass of wine?” Blake asked. “I’m buying.”

He smiled at me and I remembered the night on the yacht
… before Ryan. Maybe Blake would have been easier; at least I would have had my eyes wide-open going in.

“You don’t have to do that
,” I protested.

“I know
I don’t. Wine?” Blake questioned.

“Perfect
. Luke, you know what I like. I need to go clock out, and then I’ll be back,” I said, taking my tray and cash caddy.

I went to the back room
, punched out, and put a light jacket over my outfit—management preferred that we cover up our Hawaiian attire if we were going to be a patron at the end of our shift. I slid onto the barstool next to Blake.

“Thanks for the drink
,” I said.

It had probably be
en almost four months since I’d seen him.

“Where you been off to this time?”

“The Caribbean a couple times, moved the boat down there then came back for a week before I moved it again. Last time I was in you were gone.”

“Yeah, I needed a break, took some time off,” I said.

“Luke told me things didn’t work out so well with your boyfriend. Sorry about that,” he said sincerely as he patted my back in a tender gesture.

“It didn’t work out the way I thought
, but then life likes to throw us curves,” I said, laughing slightly.

Blake fiddle with his mug of beer on the bar, sliding
it in the wet ring it had made.

“That’s one thing it never fails to do
,” he said. “Luke said you went to Tahoe. Where’s Tahoe?”

“
Lake Tahoe. It’s on the border of Nevada and California,” I said.

“Never been there
.”

I suspected there were a lot of places he’d never been, his life was dictated by a rich man from New Orleans.

“It’s beautiful,” Luke chimed in. “Morgan’s thinking about moving there.”

“Whoa
, Luke, moving is just talk right now,” I objected. “A tiny, tiny thought.”

“What’s
there?” Blake asked.

“
Besides a beautiful crystal clear lake, I have friends who live there. I graduated from college this summer. Not sure what I want to do now. Maybe it’s time for a new adventure,” I said.

“Running away from heartache
is what it sounds to me,” Blake said.

“That too
,” I admitted.

Ryan
’s smiling face flashed into my mind. I had sat at this bar with him more than a few times, when things were good. “He misses you” I heard Mom say. I knew she would stay upset until I got back with her, and I realized I wasn’t being totally fair, she was a mother after all. She was trying to do what she thought was best for me.

“I need to go cal
l my mom,” I said, my thoughts breaking through.

Blak
e looked at me confused, wondering where what I’d said had come from, and then looked at Luke.

“I’ll explain it to him
,” Luke said. “Go call her.”

I went to the office in the
back room and dialed my parents’ number. I looked at the clock on the desk: twelve eleven. I figured I would wake her, no doubt wake both of them.

“Hello
,” she answered, her voice faint.

“Hey
, Mom,” I whispered.

“I’
m sorry,” she said, recognizing my voice.

“I know you are.
I am too. Sorry I got so mad at you,” I said. “Did I wake you?”

“No, I haven’t slept well since you ran off so mad,” she
answered her voice cracking.

“I’m sorry, I know you’re just trying to do the best for me,” I said
, as I played with the telephone cord feeling badly that she hadn’t slept.

“Where are you
?” she asked.

“I’m still at work.
Luke and Blake are entertaining me,” I chuckled.

“Blake?” she asked.

“The yacht captain I dated a couple times,” I said.

She was silent a moment
, no doubt trying to recall.

“Don’t go home with him because you
’re mad at Ryan,” she said.

“Mom
, I didn’t sleep with him when we dated. I’m not going to now. If I was going to sleep with anyone, it would be Tate,” I said.

“Tate
?” she asked, confused.

“
The guy in Tahoe. I have to go. I didn’t want you fretting about me being mad at you, but I want it understood that I agreed to listen to Ryan, that’s it. I love you, Mom,” I said and hung up the phone.

When I came back to the bar
, it had cleared out and it was just Luke and Blake chatting.

“How’s Mom?”
Luke asked.

“Happy to hear I’
m not ready to cut her head off anymore,” I teased.

“See
,” he said.

Luke picked up Blake’s empty glass and filled it.