Casanova Cowboy (A Morgan Mallory Story) (36 page)

“I’ve missed you
,” he said. “I’ve been thinking a lot about what you said.”

I
pulled away and tried to recall something specific that he was referring to.

“What I said?” I asked.

“About the fireworks, how I expected fireworks to go off when I fell in love. You were right, I expected to know, maybe I was wrong,” he said.

I stared at him
, trying to remember when I’d said that. There had been so much said in those days before he moved out. He searched my eyes,
he was totally serious.
I started to laugh.

“You’re kidding
me, right? This is what you wanted to talk about? Fireworks? That
maybe
…” I said, stressing the word, “that
maybe
you were wrong. Let me tell you something, Ryan, you are absolutely wrong. If you expect some big mallet to hit you on the head in order to know you’re in love, you will be waiting a very long time.”

The anger
and hurt grew, spreading through my body like hot lava and I wanted to go home. The waiter interrupted us with dinner arriving. I pushed my food around the plate while Ryan ate his steak; I wasn’t hungry. I drank my glass of wine, and he poured me another. I went back to watching people on the street. A homeless man with a shopping cart full of stuff went by. I wondered what his story was. Maybe he’d died of a broken heart and changed his situation. I wanted to go home and crawl in my bed.

“
Morgan,” he said softly.

I looked at him.
Why, am I here?

“I’m trying
,” he said.

He was trying?
Trying what?
I’d heard those words before, words of
trying
. I wasn’t like some goddamn pair of shoes that you tried on.
Hmm, I tried them on, but decided I didn’t like them.
I wondered why, when I fell in love, I knew, and yet the men I loved wanted to
try
. If they had to try and love me, it wasn’t enough.

“Take me home
,” I said putting my cloth napkin on the table.

We drove back to my place in silence.
I didn’t understand it. The evening was uncomfortable and resolved nothing. He walked me to my door and then proceeded to come in.

“
Ryan, I think you should go,” I said, leaning against the counter.

“I want to see you
,” he said. “I want to date you.”

I stared at him in dis
belief.
Seriously?
My chest felt like someone was stepping on me. I tried to grasp the meaning of his words and not fly completely off the handle. I took a deep breath and rubbed the muscles in my neck. I rotated my head to one side and then the other, trying to think of what to say.

“
Ryan, I can’t go back to dating. With everything that’s happened between us, I just can’t,” I said, more unemotionally than I felt.

I walked to the front door and opened it.

“Please go,” I said, holding it open. “I need you to go.”

Chapter 45

I thought Ryan would give up, go back to whatever he thought he was looking for, to the girl. But he didn’t. He called to ask me out, and I continued to refuse him. He showed up at The Chart House a couple of times and sat at the bar where he made it hard not to at least be civil to him. I went on a date with a guy Liz and I met at the beach. I was trying to be normal. Mom would tell me when Ryan came by, or that they had talked. She constantly told me he missed me.

We
had heated discussions about why I wouldn’t see him. I explained more than once, that after knowing each other for almost eight years, dating for two—which included living together for one—that I wasn’t going back to dating him. Either Ryan was telling her things he wasn’t telling me, or she was purely obsessed with some crazy notion we should be together.

Ryan
had stopped by The Chart House on Sunday again. He was wearing me down, I could tell. I longed to be with him, curl up in his arms and feel his touch. I couldn’t close my eyes anymore without seeing his. I hated what was happening and trying to discuss it with Mom simply frustrated me even more. I was thinking about him when my phone rang.

“
Ryan’s on his way over. I told him you were at home. He said he needs to see you,” she said.

             
“Oh, Mom,” I said, disgusted, hanging up the phone.

             
I’d run bleachers earlier at the local high school, showered and put my sweats on, no makeup, expecting a quiet evening alone. I wasn’t going to change on his behalf. I should be mad he was coming unannounced, but instead my feelings were betraying me because I wanted to see him. When he knocked, I took my time opening the door.

             
“Hi,” he said.

             
“Where are you headed?” I asked, noticing his clothes, his boots.

             
“Here,” he said, walking into the condo past me.

             
“Come on in, Ryan, can I pour you a glass of wine too?” I said sarcastically, closing the door.

             
“I would like that,” he said, sitting down on the couch.

             
I went to the kitchen and pulled a glass from the rack and filled it.
The nerve he had.
I wished I had the strength to throw him out. Once again I felt Mom’s hands in things. Whether I was right or wrong, I couldn’t be sure. I brought both our glasses into the living room and handed him one.

             
“I miss you,” he said, taking it from me.

             
He stared into my eyes, following my eyes as I sat down in a chair across from him. Thoughts whipped through my head, a jumble of them. He had no idea how much I missed him, had tried to get him out of my head, and had thus far failed. He wasn’t making it any easier on me.

             
“So my mom has told me on several occasions,” I said, feeling tired. “What do you want from me, Ryan?”

             
The desire to run far away filled me.

             
“I want to see you, be with you. I understand that
date
and
trying
weren’t the right words. I can’t stop thinking about you, about
us
,” he said.

             
I searched his eyes, eyes I’d longed for. I saw his face, and the sadness that was there. He put his glass down on the coffee table and stood up, coming to me. He pulled me from the chair into his arms. I felt limp and shaky, like I’d been beaten down and then run over on the way out. He kissed me tentatively on the lips.

             
When I let him, he held me tight to him and kissed me more passionately. I tasted him and smelled him, my head spinning. The butterflies within took flight spinning out of control with delight. I wanted to resist, but my feelings and his nearness were colliding together, breaking down my resolve. I ran my hands down his back, down his arms, a body I’d missed; a body that filled my dreams regardless of my attempts to stop it. It was almost painful, the longing I felt. I wanted words, wanted him to scream
I’m in love with you, I know it now
. When he backed away to see my reaction, I put my fingers to my lips, not wanting to forget the feel of his. He searched my face and I reached for his hand leading him down the hall towards the bedroom.

             
I let him slowly take my sweatshirt off and then slide my sweat pants down. Standing in my bra and panties, I leaned into him and kissed him, breathing him in. His lips were soft and open slightly, coaxing me for more. His tongue was warm and hungrily sought mine, rolling, and probing.

“Oh,” I murmured.

I could feel the tingling, the ache, between my legs, the wetness. I unbuttoned his shirt and ran my hands down his chest, and then pushing his shirt down his arms, I squeezed the muscles in them, felt the firmness, yet the smoothness of his skin. A body I had felt so many times and yet hadn’t tired of. As I moved away to admire him my breath caught and the butterflies in unison did a swooping dive, and my stomach lurched like it did when racing down a roller coaster. He stood shirtless, his jeans tight and low, his abs flat.

             
“Take your clothes off, cowboy,” I sighed, giving in.

             
He smiled at me.

“I wasn’t sure what wo
uld happen tonight, but I had to come. I had to see you. I hadn’t planned on this,” he said with a sexy grin, as he bent down to pull off his boots.

             
“Really?” I said mockingly as I stripped off my bra and panties.

             
“Yeah, really,” he said smiling.

I watched him peel off his
jeans; still commando like always. The sight of his hard cock made my heart race with anticipation.

             
“You’re full of shit,” I panted. “You’ve got your boots on. You were at least hoping.”

             
He laughed, and it felt like music to my ears. When we fell into bed, he pulled me to him, pressing our bodies together. He was ready to go, but he took his time, massaging my back, feeling my body, making me wild with desire. Our breathing was coming in gasps before he finally rolled on top of me. I wrapped my legs around him, my heels pressed into his backside as he entered me.

“Oh, Ryan, make love to me,” I moaned.

His cock filled me; in and out he thrust, slowly at first, and then building, faster and harder. My hands caressed his neck, his back, his ass, as he rocked us towards the peak all the while kissing me. Our bodies fit together like they hadn’t been apart. He made me feel like I was flying, soaring, as we launched off the peak together. As he collapsed into me I could feel his heart beating, it filled my ears, a sound so sweet it brought tears to my eyes.

I wiggled into the crock
between his arm and his shoulder, resting my head on him. He ran his fingers lightly down my side. I wanted to stay just like this, almost afraid to move and break the moment. He lifted my face and lightly kissed my forehead and my eyelids and then my lips.

             
“I do love you,” he whispered. “I love you with all my heart.”

             
That was enough for now. I wasn’t going to ask him to define it. Maybe he had figured things out, and maybe he hadn’t. I would have to wait and see if he was able to give me what I needed. He held me tight and we talked, catching up on things, gradually at first and then like we always had, easily and comfortable. He wanted to know about Tahoe, and I divulged most of it. He asked if I had dated and I told him
yes
. He didn’t push for any details.

             
“Ryan, I’ll agree to see you for a while and see what happens. This isn’t an easy decision for me. I went away to forget you. I wanted to force you from my head and my heart, and you won’t let me. I won’t be waiting anymore, and I won’t be exclusive. If we are going to date, I’m going to date other people as well,” I said.

             
“I don’t like it, but I understand,” he said quietly.

             
Of course you don’t like it and why do you understand it!?
If he wanted to date, that was what he was going to get. I didn’t know who else I was going to date, but I would find someone. If he still didn’t have both feet in I was going to torment him. I thought about Tahoe,
was I willing to push it off?
Here, now, in his arms, with the man I felt was the one, sadly the answer was yes.

Chapter 46

Mom acted like she had won the lottery.

“Mom
, I agreed to see him. It doesn’t mean that we’re back together,” I cautioned.

             
“I know,” she said excitedly.

             
I didn’t want to blow her high, so I left it alone. I spent the next two months finding dates, to not be readily available for Ryan. I could tell it was torturing him, and I wanted it to. I made sure at least every other week I already had plans: a movie date, a dinner date, a sailing date. I gave the dates different names and spent a lot of time with Luke. He was a saint to tolerate me. As close as I was with Mom, I didn’t even let her know. I figured she might slip and tell Ryan.

“So
, can I take you out to dinner Friday?” Ryan asked over the phone.

             
“I can’t, Ryan, I have plans already,” I said.

             
There was a pause.

             
“Okay,” he said, sounding bothered. “Saturday night?”

             
“I think I’m open Saturday,” I said.

“You think?” he asked.

“I guess I could be,” I said casually.

             
“Can we do dinner and dancing?” he asked.

             
“That sounds like fun.”

             
“What are you doing Friday night?” Ryan asked with a hint of dread in his voice.

             
“Dinner and a movie,” I lied.

             
“Not with that Blake guy again?” he asked.

             
I’d used Blake’s name more than once, although I wasn’t seeing him at all. Ryan had met Blake once at The Chart House, so he knew what he looked like, like someone I would be attracted to.

             
“Ryan, don’t ask me,” I said, crossly.

             
I had to keep reminding myself that Ryan put us in this uncomfortable place. It was he who questioned his feelings. We hadn’t revisited the whole
love
and
in-love
question. I wasn’t going to open myself up by asking. For once in my life, I was being realistic instead of letting my feelings run the show. Nothing came up about the girl.

“On
Saturday, can we have a drink at your place, say around six, and then head out?” he asked.

             
“Sounds like a plan. I’ll see you Saturday,” I said.

             
I hung up the phone, pleased with myself. I called Liz and asked if she could be my dinner movie date on Friday. We decided we would skip the movie and instead have just dinner. I suggested we go to La Jolla to stay out of our normal haunts. Liz liked Ryan, but she had seen my hurt, and she understood my need to make him feel some pressure.

When
Ryan arrived Saturday, he looked so handsome that it made me long for other times, times when I thought we knew we loved each other. I had done a pretty good job of keeping my emotions in check, but it was getting more difficult every time I saw him. I was tiring of the game; I was never good at games. I was thinking maybe it was time to move on, end it, that I loved him, but it wasn’t going anywhere. He’d said he loved me, but other than that there was no commitment. I would never issue another ultimatum.

             
That night Ryan took me to a Japanese restaurant. We followed the hostess into a private room where we sat on mats on the floor. We talked and laughed, and for a minute, I could pretend it was like the old days. He offered to take me line dancing, but I didn’t want to share him tonight. I told him I would prefer we go back to my place. I was feeling melancholy about our past. Once inside I took his hand and led him to my bedroom wanting to lose myself to him, maybe for the last time.

He took me in his arms
, holding me tight. A safe peacefulness I hadn’t felt since before he left washed over me. The butterflies were calmly floating on a sweet smelling breeze; stripping my mind of any thoughts of an end. I kissed his lips lightly and then his neck as I unbuttoned his shirt. As I did so I kissed down his chest and his stomach until I got to the top of his jeans. I got on my knees and undid his pants, button by button. I pulled them down from the back feeling his tight ass.

“Um,” he groaned.

Pushing his jeans to the floor I took his hard cock in my mouth.

He lay on his side staring down at me with a smile. I was lying on my back in the bed still catching my breath, my chest rising and falling, my heart beating fast. I looked into his eyes and could see the sparkle.

“Wow,” I whi
mpered.

Our lovemaking made me think of the time in the shower after the desert when I’d seen a side of Ryan I hadn’t before. He could always surprise me; make me reach new places. He leaned down and kissed me
softly on the lips.

“Wow? You liked that huh?”

I smiled stretching languidly like a cat. He hadn’t asked me directly, but he’d poked around the question of whether I was sleeping with anyone else. I let him poke, never giving him a straight answer. He ran his fingers down the side of my face pushing my hair back then lifted my hand from my stomach and laced his fingers in mine.

“
Morgan, I don’t want you to date anyone else,” he said.

             
I closed my eyes. I didn’t want the moment to be gone.

             
“Ryan—” I started to object, pulling my hand from his.

             
“Let me finish,” he interrupted. “I love you…and I’m in love with you.”

             
My eyes flew open and I rolled onto my side pushing myself up on my elbow. He smiled, as I stared into his eyes. Taking my chin in his hand he drew my face to his and kissed me.

“I’m sorry for the pain I have caused you.
I wasn’t sure before, but I am now,” he said adoringly.

             
He searched my face.
Am now, what?
Swallowing hard I tried to slow my mind, memories, thoughts, emotions were swirling like a newly churned up river. I could feel my heart spill open, but I was afraid to say anything, feel all the feelings again, let my heart completely reattach to him. He ran his hand down my arm gently.

             
“Our time apart made me take a hard look at things, take a look at myself. I’ve had to dig deep in my soul, and it hasn’t been easy. I’ve had to look at my fear and take it apart, try to figure it out…” he started.

My blood was pumping
rapidly and I could feel the pulse in my neck. I glanced away from him.

“
My initial reaction was to go, to pack up and move away so I wouldn’t have to answer the questions, but that’s always been my solution. I talked to your mom and to my mom, and I started to see that I didn’t want to keep going that way. I realized I can live without you, but I don’t want to,” he said with a conviction that shook me.

The words ran around in my head and made me feel dizzy.
Now what? What was I going to do with his words?
I rolled onto my back and closed my eyes. They burned slightly, and I put my fingers to my temples massaging them. Ryan leaned over and kissed me. When he pulled away, I opened my eyes and could feel them fill with tears. I stared at him, not knowing what to say.
What does that mean?

“I’m in love with you
,” he said intensely.

             
I searched his eyes for reassurance, reassurance I could let my heart go.

             
“I want to marry you,” Ryan said. “Spend my life loving you.”

             
I heard the words, but it took my brain a minute to process them.

             
“Will you marry me?” he asked.

             
The tears spilled from my eyes as the butterflies tumbled joyfully.

             
“Why are you crying?” he asked, pulling me to him.

             
“I don’t know,” I said, burying my face into his neck.

What the hell, Ryan?”

             
“Will you?” he pleaded. “Will you marry me?”

             
“Yes, of course I will,” I said through a happy sob. “When, when do you want to marry me?”

             
It seemed unreal. I’d yearned for this moment so many times with him and yet never saw it, never visualized what it would look like. It wasn’t staged or pre-planned. It was from the heart. If he had given me clues that it was coming, I hadn’t seen them.

             
“Let’s pick a date,” he said elatedly.

             
“Now?” I asked, still in shock.

             
“Right now, get a calendar,” he said, wiping away my tears with his fingers.

“You know Mom will go nuts. She has been so broken up about us. I have felt so bad for her, how torn she’s been. My family loves you, Ryan,” I said and kissed him.

“Get a calendar
,” he said, pushing me from the bed.

I walked naked to the spare bed
room and pulled the calendar from the wall. The picture was of a tree-lined dirt road the fall colors vibrant and beautiful, leaves of orange and red and yellow; the beginning of a new road for
us
. I brought it back to the bed and climbed in next to him feeling his warm skin on mine.

“Here
,” I said, flipping forward through the months.

“You pick
,” he said.

“I need time to plan a w
edding.” I said happily. “A wedding…”

We decided on
April. I asked him to call his parents and tell them; I wanted to make sure he was absolutely serious. He dialed their number, and I could tell from both the length of their conversation and Ryan’s answers that they were thrilled.

“I want to tell
my parents in person,” I said when he hung up. “Can we have them over for dinner tomorrow night?”

“That will work
,” he said grinning.

I
called Mom and invited them. She was excited to hear Ryan would be at dinner. I kept our conversation brief as I was so wound up I didn’t want to leak anything over the phone.

“She is going to fre
ak,” I said with delight.

I loved
surprising Mom. It felt like Christmas. I wanted to surprise her, to feel the magic.

“So about the dating thing, s
ince you agreed to marry me, I assume you will call the other guys off,” he teased.

I snuggled into him
.

“Oh
, I assume I’ll have to,” I said nonchalantly.

I had to know the
whys
. I needed to understand why we had happened this way. Why the path had been so long and so rocky.

“What took you so long
, Ryan?” I asked seriously.

He wrapped his arms around me.

“I needed to be sure. I’m only doing this rodeo one time, so I had to be damn sure. When I first met you, I never thought I could date a girl like you. That you were so far out of my league, and Max was in the picture then too. When he wasn’t anymore, I’d gotten to know you, and I thought you were too wild for me. That you would never stay with one person. I saw you with the boys, remember,” he said.

He paused
, and I waited.

“
I watched the partying, the guy parade, and I didn’t think it would stop. You and Liz scared me more than once. You two could do material damage. Like the day you started at Del Dios Bar in the morning after a fight with Max and Dave. I was building shelves for your mom, and you two showed up at noon completely hammered and in your pajamas after being at the bar all morning. I remember thinking,
who does that
? When we started dating, I was pleasantly surprised, but still had my doubts.”

I could see where I could have scared him.
I hadn’t only been somewhat of a wild child, but he knew all about it. He’d heard the stories, from me no less, and witnessed enough firsthand to have cause to worry.

“When I
’d proved it to you though, you still had reservations obviously,” I said.

He shifted adjusting us
slightly.

“
Look at my life. I’ve moved around every two or three years, and I have been in California almost seven years now. You wanted more, and I wasn’t sure I could give it. I thought maybe it was time to move on again. When I moved out, and then you were gone, all I could think about was you. I would go talk to your mom and try to work through my feelings, but that was tough too because it was your mom. Every time I tried to tell myself to just leave town, I thought about how my life would be without you, and I couldn’t picture it,” he said.