Cassandra Austin (9 page)

Jane was aware of how close Adam sat, of every time his knee touched hers or his hand brushed against her arm as he reached for something on the tray. She didn’t want to think about how tempting he was.

“Who do you think will take her?” Jane asked.

“I need to talk to you about that.”

Jane shook her head. She didn’t want to hear why the board felt a single woman was unsuitable. George had probably mentioned how precarious her finances were. Which meant Adam knew now, toosomething she didn’t even want to consider at the moment.

“Look,” she said, drawing his attention to the little girl again. “I think we need to find a place for her to sleep.”

Peggy was slouched in a corner, her chin rolling on her chest.

“I’ll put her in my bed and sleep down here.”

Jane scooted out of the way so Adam could reach Peggy. She used her hand to shield the child’s head from the edge of the desk as Adam drew her out.

“The first thing you better do,” Jane said, “is wake her up and take her to the outhouse.”

The look on Adam’s face told her this hadn’t occurred to him at all. She chewed on her lip as she watched him. “Are you waiting for me to volunteer?”

“I was trying to decide if one knee or two was the more effective position for begging.”

Jane laughed and took the sleepy child out of his arms.

“I’ll be upstairs turning down the bed,” he said.

“Cleaning the room is more like it,” she teased. “I’ve had enough boarders to know how men keep house.”

She hoped the joke hid what she was feeling. The disappointment at being rejected by the placing board was still a sharp pain, but it was easing somewhat. No one else had wanted Peggy. The sponsors hadn’t taken her with them. There was still hope, however small, that she could convince the board members to reconsider their decision.

But while that thought stayed in the back of her mind, something else was beginning to overshadow it. She had just spent an hour or so in Adam’s home. She was soon to enter his bedroom. While the little
girl’s presence kept everything proper, she couldn’t help the thoughts that entered her head.

She scolded herself for her foolishness. She wasn’t a child and this wasn’t make believe. If she ever forgot herself and got too close, Adam had only to mention Doreena to remind her of her place. And, she vowed, if he didn’t, she would.

Peggy wanted to be carried back to the house and immediately rested her head on Jane’s shoulder. Jane carefully closed the back door behind them and started toward the stairs. She knew the house well, but she hadn’t been inside since Adam had moved in. She was very much aware of the fact that she was heading for his bedroom.

Adam was waiting for them. “Let me carry her up the stairs,” he said.

“She weighs next to nothing,” Jane said, reluctantly letting Adam take the girl out of her arms.

“I know,” he said, “but the stairs are steep.”

Jane let him get a few steps ahead of her before she followed. She hadn’t exactly been invited up, but she was determined to see the child settled comfortably fpr the night. Besides, she didn’t want to go home just yet.

The entire floor was one room, with sloped walls and dormer windows. Adam had lit a lamp that filled the room with a soft, warm glow. His narrow bed was neatly made with a corner turned down. Books lined the lower part of nearly every wall. Jane saw several thin spines that were probably his Wild West
novels. She found herself more curious about his books and possessions than she should have been.

She shifted her attention to Peggy. However, Peggy was with Adam, and Jane had been trying not to think about him. That was impossible, anyway, especially considering where they were.

Adam sat Peggy on the side of the bed and knelt to remove her shoes. She turned and looked at the pillow for a second, then crashed down onto it. Adam set the shoe aside and went after the other.

“I found a nightgown in her suitcase,” he said softly. “Do you think it’s worth the trouble?”

Jane stepped forward and brushed the child’s fine hair away from her face. “No,” she whispered. “But we better get the apron off her or that apple slice will attract a swarm of gnats by morning.”

Adam placed the second little shoe beside the first. “I wouldn’t worry about gnats,” he said, resting one hand very casually on Jane’s shoulder. “The spiders’ll take care of them.”

Jane looked at him sharply to find him smiling mischievously at her. “If you think I’m taking on your house next, you’re mistaken.”

“That hadn’t crossed my mind.”

Peggy had curled up on her side, her face turned toward them, and Jane was able to reach behind her and untie the apron. She slipped the ruffled bib over Peggy’s head and gently pulled the rest out from under her.

“Want to try for the dress?” he asked.

“It’s that or iron it in the morning.”

“I know which I’d choose.” He leaned over the bed and undid the buttons that ran all the way to the hem. “This shouldn’t be too difficult.” He slipped the sleeve off Peggy’s right arm, then paused, considering the left arm, curled under the little girl’s head.

Jane chewed her lip as she watched him. She was sure he was weighing the wrinkled dress against an unhappy child if he woke her. She couldn’t leave him to his dilemma for long. She slid her hand under Peggy’s head and raised it an inch off the pillow. Adam worked quickly to free the dress from the now accessible arm.

As soon as Jane laid Peggy’s head back on the pillow, she sighed and rolled over. Adam sighed, too. Jane covered her mouth to stifle a laugh. “We better leave her alone before we wake her,” she whispered.

Adam nodded. He pulled the covers up over the child. His fingers lingered a moment on a little pink cheek, then he drew Jane away from the bedside.

Jane’s body reacted instantly at being so close to him. Instead of stepping away, as her mind suggested, she leaned closer, turning her face toward his. His lips were mere inches from hers. He didn’t seem at all surprised to find himself in this position. In fact, he was bending closer!

Jane jumped away, nearly staggering. She shook out the little dress she still held and laid it over the
back of the suitcase. After emptying the pocket, she laid the apron beside the dress. Her illogical mind was already wondering what would have happened if she had let him kiss her.

She forced herself to think of Peggy and, hoping her voice didn’t betray her, asked, “Will she be all right up here alone?”

“She’ll be fine,” he assured her, “as soon as we quit fussing over her.”

Though she was still reluctant to leave the little girl, she let him direct her to the stairs and preceded him down. She didn’t want him to have to drag her away; she couldn’t afford to let him touch her. Downstairs she added the apple slice and carrot to the other few scraps on the tray to be tossed to her chickens.

Adam stood very near her as he lit the lamp. She should step away. She should take her tray and go. She shouldn’t be thinking of an excuse to stay. Was she hoping for a repeat of what had nearly happened upstairs?

The letter that lay on the desk beside the tray caught her eye as the light filled the room. She wanted to cry even as she reminded herself of her vow.

“You heard from Doreena,” she said, hoping she sounded pleased.

“Yeah, I did.” He definitely sounded pleased. Jane swallowed a lump in her throat as he brushed
past her to gather up the blankets from behind his desk.

She might as well dig the knife in a little deeper. “Did she say when she’s coming?”

He went around the desk and started spreading the blankets on the floor again. “Actually, she’s not,” he said.

Jane moved to help him with the blankets. An excuse, she knew, and a lame one. “You’ll leave when your year is over, then.” This was a possibility she hadn’t even considered. But wouldn’t that be easier than watching him with Doreena?

“No,” he said, straightening. “We’re no longer engaged. Well, she may be engaged, just not to me.”

“Oh, Adam, I’m so sorry.” She took a step toward him, then stopped. She didn’t trust herself any closer.

“I’ve been surprised to discover that I’m not. Sorry, I mean. It’s a blow to my pride, I suppose, but it’s also a relief.”

Part of her wanted to rejoice at his words. Ingrained caution wouldn’t let her. “That’s terrible, Adam.”

He laughed. “Yeah, I know. Sit down.” He indicated the blankets on the floor. “I need to talk to you about Peggy, but first let me tell you about Doreena and me.”

Jane couldn’t help the suspicions that clamored in her brain. “Sit down? Here?”

“Those chairs aren’t very comfortable, and I don’t have a porch swing.”

“Porch swing?”

“Please, Jane.” He sat cross-legged on the blanket. When he stretched his hand toward her, she threw caution to the wind.

A
dam had to tell her why she wasn’t getting Peggy. But not yet. First she had to understand that he cared about her. And before he could tell her that, he had to explain about Doreena.

Jane had seemed so carefree when she sat on the blanket to be near Peggy. Now she sat primly, her hands folded in her lap, her back straight. She seemed hesitant, self-conscious. She was also farther away. Adam wanted to move toward her, but knew she scared easily.

“Doreena and I met shortly after her father had taken an interest in me,” he began. He watched her closely as he went on. “But I should go back farther than that. I was raised in an orphanage.”

Her eyes widened, and he knew he had her compassion. That wasn’t what he wanted. “The orphanage was one of Mr. Fitzgibbon’s favorite charities. Every year or so he would pick out a boy who was
doing particularly well in school and give him a boost toward higher education.”

“And you were his choice,” Jane guessed. “That was very kind of him.”

“Yes, it was,” Adam agreed. “Fitzgibbon believed one should make his own fortune so his help didn’t include much in the way of monetary assistance. His recommendation helped me get into medical school, but I had to find a way to finance it myself.”

“Which is where Clyde came in.” Her hands were resting demurely in her lap, and Adam wanted to take one into his own. She seemed so distant, isolated. But what could he expect?

“Fitzgibbon threw a large party to introduce me and make sure the story made the papers. It was at this party that I met Doreena. She was unlike any girl I had ever seen.”

Adam had to laugh at himself. “That sounds funny now. How many girls did I know? There wasn’t much socializing at the orphanage. I had worked in a neighborhood store since I was fourteen so I wasn’t completely sheltered, but I wasn’t prepared for Doreena.

“I don’t know what she saw in me. Maybe the rich are fascinated by the poor. The reverse is definitely true. Her house, her clothes, her. style had me in awe.

“Through two years of medical school, we saw each other nearly every week. She would usually
initiate it. I had had to leave the orphanage when I was eighteen, and Fitzgibbon had arranged for me to live at a boardinghouse for young men that was located near the college and housed primarily students. I paid for my rent by washing dishes.

“There was a common room downstairs where we could entertain guests. Or in Doreena’s case, she would entertain us. She loved to play the piano and sing or show off her paintings. All the boys were in love with her.”

Looking back, Adam could see how much she’d enjoyed the attention. He had been her ticket into the gathering of young, adoring men. But he hadn’t seen it then. He had watched her captivate the others and had felt only pride.

“When I was about to graduate, I asked her to marry me. Her parents strongly discouraged it.”

Jane was watching him with sad eyes. “What did they say?”

“Doreena didn’t tell me everything they said, but I understand ‘disown’ came up at least once. They were convinced I was after her money.”

Jane wasn’t looking at him now, and her face was hard to read. He had talked too long about Doreena, anyway. “The point is,” he added, “I don’t think she would have agreed to marry me if her parents hadn’t objected. It was an act of defiance, but I didn’t see that at the time.

“Ever since I got here, I’ve been trying to imagine Doreena in this house. I’ve been trying to figure
out what she was going to find to do here. I don’t. think she would ever have been happy.”

“You were never in love with her,” Jane said.

Adam wasn’t sure if it was a question or an accusation. He could only answer honestly. “I thought I was. But no, I don’t think so now.”

“You would think a person would know-about love, I mean.”

Adam understood that while his confessions might let Jane know that Doreena was no longer between them, they didn’t really cast him in a very good light. “You’d think so, wouldn’t you? Maybe I let myself be fooled. Or maybe we did love each other, just not enough to give up anything else we wanted.”

“Is that what love is?” Her voice was very soft and made him think of Peggy’s whispers. “Giving up something?”

“I don’t know. It just seemed to come down to that.”

“I don’t think- Grams believed in love.” Jane shook her head. “I know she loved me and she loved my mother, but I don’t think she believed that men knew how to love.”

“That’s silly, Jane. We’re not that different.”

Jane was quiet for a moment, gazing down at her lap. She looked so vulnerable, so nearly frightened, that he wanted to comfort her. He wanted very much to take her into his arms. He realized he had wanted
to many times before, but hadn’t allowed himself to admit it because of Doreena.

But what would Jane think if he did, if he moved a little closer and put his arm around her shoulder? That this was all a calculated seduction? Especially considering what her grandmother had told her. He forced himself to be satisfied with capturing one of her hands between his.

“Why would your grandmother believe that, Jane?”

Jane shrugged, unwilling to look at him. Still, she didn’t pull her hand away. “I don’t know anything about my grandfather. Grams never mentioned him. I can only assume he disappointed her, somehow. Maybe he left her.

“My mother ran away with my father when she was very young. He dragged her all over the country. When I was born she didn’t want to travel anymore, but he wouldn’t change. I think he was a gambler, I’m not sure. My mother took me and moved back to live with Grams. Grams was poor but she made room for us.

“I was only seven when my mother died, so I don’t really know what happened, but I remember her fighting with Grams. I think she thought my father would come after her, but Grams was right. He never did.”

When she didn’t go on, Adam spoke softly. “My mother left me on a doorstep. I don’t mistrust all women because of it.”

Jane turned to him then, her eyes startled. “How could she do that?”

Adam laughed. “She was probably hungry. But I didn’t mean to interrupt you. How did you and your grandmother get out here?”

“We got a letter from George Pinter saying that my father had died. He owned a house here in Clyde, which now belonged to me. Evidently there was a will and papers that included our address, even though he never wrote to us in all those years.

“Grams sold what she could, abandoned the rest, and we took a train out here. The house, by the way, was this one. But Grams fell in love with the house next door. When its owners put it up for sale, she made a deal with the bank. We’ve been paying off the loan with money from the boarders.”

“And that’s why you work so hard.” He moved closer, barely conscious that he was doing so.

“Partly,” she said.

He couldn’t resist reaching out to touch her face. Her skin was soft and warm. She smelled of lilac soap and cinnamon, a delightful combination he had only encountered in Jane. He slid his thumb slowly across her lips. They opened with a tiny gasp that made them all the more tempting.

“Jane…”

He looked into her eyes and forgot what he had intended to say. Their dark depths were filled with longing. Longing that he was sure matched his own. Very slowly, wanting to draw out every moment, he
brought his lips to hers. They were softer than he could have imagined.

He savored their sweetness for a long moment, then slowly drew away. “I want you, Jane,” he whispered.

Somewhere in the back of his mind he realized that wasn’t what he should say. There was something else. Something important.

But what could be more important than holding Jane? Her hands were resting lightly on his ribs, and he could feel her trembling. He didn’t want her to be afraid. He tried to wrap his arms around her, but, sitting as they were, it was a little awkward. He brought his lips to hers again and lowered her gently to the floor.

The confusion Jane felt when Adam first leaned toward her was quickly replaced with something she had no name for. She had been aware of her attraction to Adam for some time, had fought the desire to be near him, to hear his voice, to savor the slightest accidental touch.

She wasn’t fighting now. She knew she should be. But this was the first thing that had felt right in a long time. And he was so gentle, achingly gentle. She found her hands grasping the fabric of his shirt.

“Shh,” he whispered, making her realize that she had moaned aloud. “I want to show you how I feel. I don’t know how to tell you. Let me show you.”

His lips hovered above hers as he spoke, then settled over them again, eliciting another moan. This
kiss was stronger, more demanding, driving the last objections from her mind.

His fingers alternated between stroking her burning skin and unfastening her buttons. She was much more aware of the former than the latter. Each touch produced a desire to touch him as well.

He rose above her to balance on his knees. She was afraid it was over, that he had had enough. She followed him up, ready to plead for one more kiss. Before she could speak his lips found her willing mouth, and she read an urgency she had missed before. It spoke to something deep inside her.

She was more ready than ever to plead with him to stay when she heard a collar button skitter across the wood floor. She took that as a good sign and helped him with the buttons on his shirt. It was soon tossed aside, followed by an undershirt, leaving a broad expanse of bare chest and lean ribs for Jane’s eager touch.

While she explored the texture of taut flesh and the sprinkling of fine hair, he went to work on the bodice of her dress. Though he had hurried with his own shirt, he seemed to take an excruciating amount of time with hers. With each button he teased the skin beneath it or dipped his fingers under the lace of her chemise. By the time he pulled the hem free of the waistband of her skirt, she was breathless.

How odd that she didn’t feel embarrassed, sitting before him in her undergarments. He didn’t seem to
be disappointed, but rather looked at her most admiringly.

Had he seen Doreena like this? Did Jane really want to know if he had?

His eyes locked with hers and all other thoughts fled. She felt his warm fingers trail down her throat and slip slowly beneath her chemise. His eyes never left hers, watching, perhaps, for her reaction.

She had no thought of stopping him, even when his hand encircled a breast and gently lifted it free of the lace barrier. She had had no idea how sensitive her skin could be, how exciting it was to feel her nipple harden under his palm.

She couldn’t stand the intensity of his eyes any longer and closed hers. At once she felt dizzy, as if she were floating, then realized he had lowered her back to the floor.

While her fingers twined in his hair, he spread kisses on all her newly exposed skin, sending ripples of sensations through her entire body. It was these sensations, she was sure, that prevented her from realizing what his hands were doing until she felt his fingers against bare skin on her upper thigh. Her skirt was bunched at her waist and her pantalets were on their way to her knees. Well, more likely her ankles.

This was exactly what her grandmother had warned her against. This was the seduction that would ruin her.

Even as the thought came she shut it out. This
was Adam. This was the man she loved. He had said he wanted to show her how he felt. She wanted to show him, too. With the slightest shift of her hips she helped the pantalets on their way.

He raised his head and looked down into her eyes as if he were surprised at the decision she had just made. “Ah, Jane,” he murmured. “Tell me you want this.”

A gentle tug at her knee separated her legs, and he moved to kneel between them. She felt both frightened and frustrated. She was breathing too hard to answer him.

“Tell me,” he persisted. “Tell me I’m not taking advantage of you. Tell me you want this as much as I do.”

“Adam,” she moaned.

He leaned over her, planting a tender kiss on her lips. “Please, tell me.”

“I want this,” she breathed. “I want to love you.”

He sealed her declaration with a fiery kiss that sent her senses spinning. By the time she recovered enough to realize he had pulled away, he had his pants nearly undone.

The lamp on the desk cast his face in a warm, soft light and left the rest of his body in shadow. Jane got only a glimpse of his manhood before he was braced above her again.

“Do you trust me, Jane?” he whispered between kisses.

“Yes,” she whispered back, and marveled that it was true.

“I don’t want to hurt you. Tell me if I hurt you.”

This was a new aspect she hadn’t considered. She tensed, but his kisses quickly banished any thought of pain from her mind. Desire that had seemed to tingle in every part of her body began to center itself between her legs, causing her to arch toward the warm body that pressed against her.

Perhaps he sensed her urgency because the next moment he let his member brush against her, then slowly eased inside of her. The sensation was too exquisite. Jane moaned, but what passed her lips was Adam’s name.

“Jane,” he breathed.

With one swift movement, he entered her, tearing the barrier and making her cry out at the sharp, unexpected pain.

“I’m sorry,” he soothed near her ear. “Please, forgive me. I didn’t want to hurt you. It’ll pass soon.”

He kissed her cheek, and she knew he was kissing away her tears. He was right, though-already the pain was fading and the earlier desire was returning full force.

He murmured against her cheek, “I’ll stop if you want, Jane.”

“No,” she whispered, clinging to him. She found it impossible to keep from moving against him, under
him, around him. They were one. The realization filled her with awe.

In a moment, all thought was overshadowed by the feelings that built inside her. His breathing quickened to match hers and she realized he was feeling the same things she was. She clung to him and called his name as they went over the brink together.

The world seemed to hang suspended for several minutes. Jane came back to the present when Adam rolled off her. Her clothes were a tangle around her. She started to sit up to bring them somewhat aright when he caught her and brought her up against his side. “Don’t go anywhere just yet.”