Casting Down Imaginations (40 page)

sixty two

Anaya

My foot was leaning heavy against the gas.

Eighty…

Ninety…

One hundred…

One hundred ten…

The numbers on the speedometer didn’t scare me, although they
should have. I was going entirely too fast, but I didn’t care anymore. I was
tired, and I didn’t feel like living anymore. If I crashed into another car or
ran off the road and rolled over fifty million times and landed upside down
with a cracked skull, I didn’t care. I was tired of the heartache. Tired of the
pain. I just wanted to die. My life wasn’t worth living anyway. No one would
care. I would just be some half naked stripper on the side of the road. In the
newspaper they probably wouldn’t even print my name. No one would miss me
because nobody cared. I may as well just put myself out of my misery…

Deacon Patterson flashed before my eyes.

I burst into tears, and after years of running, I finally
surrendered. Even though my foot was still pressing the gas, a comforting force
pressed the brake for me and guided the car off the road and to a complete
stop.

“Jesus,” I cried wearily, and collapsed onto the steering
wheel. “I’m sorry!” I managed to get out.

There was pitch blackness all around me, but when I closed my
eyes I saw white. There was a brightness to it, but it was soft, and in the car
I felt it rocking me. I continued to apologize, but the glow of the whiteness
told me that everything was going to be alright. I didn’t have to be sorry
anymore. It was almost too good to believe, but I knew that this whiteness had
been protecting me this entire time. It was forgiving. It didn’t care that I
had sex with numerous people, that I had an abortion, that I lied, stole, or
that I took my clothes off for money. It didn’t care that I unknowingly had sex
with a married man. It loved me so much more than all of those things. While I
was running around being promiscuous, it kept my body healthy. After I had my
abortion, it kept my sanity. While I stripped, it kept me safe. This whiteness
that consoled me was love, and it came from God.

I curled into a ball and let Jesus rock me. Tears continued
to fall, and all of my pain was taken away. The hurt of my first heartache,
David, was gone. The light took it. The betrayal of a close friend. Gone. The
light took it. The pain of aborting a child. Gone. The light took it. The hurt
of never knowing my mother and being overlooked by my father. It was no longer
there. The light, my Father up above, took that, too. Being attacked by Adam,
rejected by Reese, taken advantage of by Jeff, and used by Derrick. The hurt
was no longer there. Jesus took it and covered the emptiness with His grace and
mended the openness with His mercy. My brokenness was healed. The fragmented
pieces were mended, and I was made whole.

I must have sat in the car for two hours, crying, basking in
this precious presence that showered me. Finally, I started the car again and
headed home.

sixty three

Anaya

I parked my car in the driveway of Deacon Patterson’s home. I
was tired. I sat in the car for a moment, afraid to move. I didn’t know what I
would say or do, or if Deacon would even let me in. I’d treated him so
horribly, when all he ever did was love me.

“Stop it,” I rebuked myself. There was no sense in going down
that road. I was already here and had no place else to go. But I realized just
now that I was still dressed in my stage clothes. I had on a bustier with a
pair of ruffled underwear and tall spiked heeled boots.

I mumbled a few curse words to myself. I already knew I
didn’t have anything to cover up with in my car. I purposely kept it clean and
clutter free.

The car radio said it was six o’clock in the morning. None of
the stores around were open yet, and even if they were, I couldn’t go inside
dressed the way that I was.

My gut told me to just get in the house. If I knew Deacon, he
was already up, sitting at the kitchen table drinking a cup of coffee and
reading his bible before he headed off to work.

I looked up and down both sides of the street that I grew up
on, where I used to play hopscotch when no cars were coming, and Karen and I
would race each other and play hide and seek and play with our dolls. No one
was coming, and no one was outside. The quiet neighborhood was still asleep. I
quickly got out of the car and made a mad dash to the front door.

Once I was on the porch I felt more at ease, although I was
still nervous. I was shaking. I didn’t know if Deacon would let me in. He had
every right to slam the door in my face and send me on my way. I must have been
such a disappointment to him, such a let down.

I was discouraged, and almost went back to the car. But
somehow my finger ended up ringing the doorbell.

I gasped when I realized what I had done. I wanted to run,
especially when I heard the familiar shuffle of Deacon dragging his house shoes
across the wooden floor of what used to be my home. I was fidgeting, my knees
threatening to give out on me. I squeezed my hands together in front of me,
trying my hardest not to cry.

I failed miserably when he opened the door. The look on his
face was too much for me. His eyes widened when they recognized me, then his
mouth dropped. He blinked a couple of times as if to see if he was dreaming.

I immediately curled into a ball at his feet and cried.

“Daddy!” I wept loudly. I hugged his feet and kissed the top
of his slippers. “I’m so sorry! I’m so sorry, Daddy!”

I wanted to say more, but nothing else would come out but
deep sobs. I quivered with remorse. I just wanted him to take me in his arms
and tell me that he loved me and that he forgave me and that I was still his
little girl. If he never did anything else for me again, I knew I would be
okay, as long as I had his love.

I felt a slight draft, then something covering me. I opened
my eyes to see the sleeve of his robe next to me. I cried even harder.

“Come on, baby girl,” Daddy said softly as he wrapped me in
his robe and helped me stand to my feet.

I was too ashamed to look at him. I kept my head down to the
floor and covered my face with my hands.

He hugged me, and as I continued to cry I heard him praise
God for bringing me home.

“I was so worried about you,” he told me. “And I prayed and
asked God to cover you and keep you safe. And now He’s brought you back home to
me.”

I hugged him back, and through my tears, I thanked God, too.

sixty four

K
aren

The breeze from the open window of my bedroom tickled my
face. I stirred, not wanting to wake up yet, but figured I may as well since
Kevin’s constant kicking through the night hadn’t provided for a decent rest
anyway.

A sigh came out of me when I thought about all that had
happened in the last year. I left home for college, thinking that I was going
to stick to this wonderful plan for my life. I was going to stay celibate,
finish school, grow up and get married and have this wonderful life. But then
life happened. Daddy lost all of my school money, I moved in with Terrance,
became sexually active again, got engaged, and now, I was leaving him. It was
time for me to get back to me, the real Karen, who was committed to God and
didn’t live life to please others. The Karen who stuck to doing what she knew
was right. The Karen who was waiting on God to let her know who that right one
was. And I couldn’t do that living with Terrance. So yesterday I went down to
the bus station and bought a ticket.

I got up from the bed and closed the window, then made my way
to the bathroom to wash my face and brush my teeth. I’d just put my hair up in
a decent ponytail when I heard someone pull up into the driveway. I recognized
the sound of the engine, but was surprised that Terrance would show up at my
parents’ home so early in the morning. It was a little after seven o’clock, and
no one else was up yet.

I hurried down the stairs so that he wouldn’t wake anyone by
ringing the doorbell. Once I made it onto the porch, I grimaced when I saw him
hobbling towards me.

“Where are your crutches?” I asked him softly.

“I ain’t crippled,” he answered. His voice was cracking. He’d
been crying. “Why you leave me, Karen?” he asked blatantly.

I covered my face, not wanting to have this conversation.

“It’s because of my knee, isn’t it?”

“No, Terrance.”

“Yes, it is. After all we been through, you mean to tell me
you just like everybody else?”

“No!” I shouted. “Stop it, Terrance. You know that isn’t
true! I didn’t even want you going back into the NBA, remember?”

He tried to stand strong as the tears fell from his face. I
went over to him and led him to the porch where we both sat down. He held my
hand, and I hugged him.

He looked off into the distance. “It’s ‘cause of Christy,
huh?”

I didn’t answer.

“Well… You ain’t got to worry about her no more. She left me,
too.”

“I already knew that, Terrance.”

“Then why’d you go? I need you right now, baby.”

“I left because of me. Not because of some skank you had on
the side. She didn’t help matters any, but baby, you and I are just two
different people and we want different things out of life.”

“But I love you.”

“I know you do. And I love you, too. But it never would have
worked for us, Terrance. You were always going to have your women on the side.
You did in high school, you do now. Even with this knee injury, I’m sure you’re
going to find some way to get ahead in life. And when you do, more women just
like Christy are going to be right there for you, ready to give you whatever
you want whenever you want it.”

“I don’t want no more Christys. I want Karen. I want you. You
my baby. Girl, I love you.”

I shook my head, feeling sorry for him. Some men just didn’t
appreciate what they had until it was gone.

“I’m sorry, boo. I gotta stick to who I am.”

“But you were always my number one, though.”

“That’s the problem. I can’t be number one. I have to be the
only one. I deserve nothing less.”

He turned to me quickly when I said that, and appeared as if
he finally understood. Then his countenance fell even lower, because he knew
that he couldn’t be that man for me. But I wasn’t upset. I’d come to terms with
this already and was moving on.

“I will always love you, Karen Stephens,” he told me.

“And I’ll always love you, Terrance Thomas.”

He looked down on me and smiled, then gave me a long kiss. We
both knew it meant good-bye.

“What are you gonna do now?” I asked him, and tapped his knee
brace.

“I been thinking about it. I think I’m gon’ stay in school.”

“That’s good.”

“Yeah. Get my degree. Might as well. I think I’m gon’ switch
my major, though.”

“Oh yeah? To what?”

I really didn’t want to know. I was just trying to prolong
the conversation to help ease the pain. But I knew he had to go.

“Sports medicine. I think I wanna be a doctor. Make some good
money.”

“Well okay, Dr. Terrance. You just make sure you take care of
that knee.”

He wrapped his arm around me. “What you gon’ do?” It was
obvious he was asking for the same reasons that I had.

I sighed. “I don’t know. I definitely gotta get me a job,
though. I can’t stay here for too long.”

“You not gon’ go back to school?”

“I don’t know yet. I want to, but right now I don’t see how I
can afford it without taking out more loans. DU is really expensive, so I might
transfer to another school.”

“Which one?”

I shrugged. “Been thinking about Sam Houston State.”

“Huntsville?”

I nodded.

“That’s too far away from DU.”

I laughed. “We’ll see, alright. I got a few months to make my
decision, if I even go back.”

“I want you to go somewhere,” he said seriously. “It’s hard
out there without an education.”

“Yes, sir.”

We sat in silence for a few minutes. Finally Terrance pulled
his shirt up and showed me his tattoo.

“I guess you gotta get that turned into like a star or
something, huh?”

He frowned. “A star? Come on, now. I’m too hard for that
girly stuff. You could have at least said a panther.”

We laughed.

“Nawh. For real, though. It’s gon’ stay just like this.
‘Cause me,
you,
and that baby that’s in heaven waiting on us, are always gon’ be family.” He
gave me another kiss, then stood to his feet. “Let me get outta here,” he told
me.

I stood to my feet as well and gave him a long hug, and I
felt the tears falling.

“Stop that crying,” he whispered.

I chuckled, and wiped them away. “You take care of yourself,”
I told him as I looked into his eyes.

“I will,” he promised. “And when you meet that perfect man
for you, I want you to call me and let me know. I wanna meet him so I can shake
his hand and congratulate him on being the luckiest man in the world. And I’m
gon’ tell him not to be a fool like me and let you get away.”

He squeezed me close and rocked me back and forth. I wiped my
face and gave Terrance another kiss.

“I meant what I said,” he told me as he pulled away,
preparing to leave. “Take care of yourself.”

“I will,” I said, trying to be strong.

He walked away from me, limping on the way. I went back
inside the house to find Kevin walking down the stairs.

“I’m hungry,” he told me, wiping his eyes.

“Did you brush your teeth and wash your face?”

He nodded.

“No you didn’t. Go do it.”

“How did you know?” he laughed.

“’Cause I know you,” I told him.

He went back up the stairs and I went into the kitchen to get
breakfast started. I’d just taken out the eggs and butter when I heard Kevin
scream.

“Kevin?” I called out.

“Daddy!” he screamed.

“Hey, boy!” I heard a familiar voice bellow.

I ran out of the kitchen and into the living room. Daddy was
walking down the stairs with Kevin on his hip. Mama walked down the stairs
behind them.

“What’s going on here?” I asked them.

Daddy was too busy enjoying the tight hug he was receiving
from Kevin to answer me.

“Daddy’s back!” Kevin yelled with laughter.

“That’s right,” Mama said. “And I’m happy.”

She was glowing, too. Her hair was tousled, a far cry from
the usual bone straight look that she always wore. And I noticed that her
wedding ring was back on her finger. Suddenly I knew where that glow on her
face came from.

I burst out laughing. All of them looked over at me with
questions in their eyes, but all I could do was laugh. When my eyes darted from
Daddy to Mama, she knew why I was laughing.

“Everything is fine?” I asked, unsure of what to make of the
situation.

“Yep,” Daddy answered. “Your mama has forgiven me,” he said
sincerely. “Kevin has, too. What about you?”

I thought about everything that had happened over the past
year, including all of the wrong that I had done as well. Then I thought about
God and how after everything I’d done, He still forgave me, too. And suddenly,
I could no longer be mad at Daddy.

I walked over to him and kissed his face. “Welcome back home,
Daddy.”

“Thanks, baby,” he said, and hugged me. Then all of us went
into the kitchen for breakfast as a family.

The End