Catalyst (The Best Days #1) (12 page)

What right did she have to derive any pleasure out of life when Grace was
dead
? 

Rory hadn’t bullied Grace…not directly, anyway.  But she still felt like she’d contributed to the suicide in a big way.  She’d stood by, silent, while others had said hurtful things to a girl who was already on the brink of disaster. 

She should have done more the day she found Grace crying in the bathroom.  She should have gone looking for Grace a lot sooner the night of the party.  If she had, then maybe…

“Are you ready?” 

It was a simple question but Rory didn’t answer.  Instead, she stared out the window with a distant look in her eyes until Rebecca poked her arm.

“Rory?”

Rory blinked.  “No,” she said softly, “but let’s go.”

“Are you sure?  I know everyone’s been pushing you to go back to school but if you think –”

Rory cast a glance over her shoulder and saw her dad hovering nearby in the kit
chen, looking very concerned.  Now that his big project had wrapped up, he’d taken time off work just to be home with Rory.  She couldn’t stand the look of worry in his eyes.  Even worse, when she tried to stay in her room he’d knock every hour or so, bringing her tea or offering to take her for a drive just to get her out of the house.  He meant well – they all did – but she couldn’t take it any longer. 

“You know what I think?” Rory interrupted
her sister as she slung her backpack over her shoulder.  “I think Sheck is probably going to start laying on the horn soon if we don’t get out there.  Let’s go.”

With that, Rory led the way out to the driveway where Sheck was waiting to drive them to school.  It wasn’t the first time she’d seen him since…well, Since. 

Rory had started thinking of time in terms of things that had happened prior to and following Grace’s death.  She wasn’t sure when that had begun but now it was a strange and somewhat annoying habit that she couldn’t quite seem to shake. 

When Rory hadn’t returned his calls, Sheck had taken more drastic measures.  His leg still wasn’t quite healed, so climbing the tree outside Rory’s window and throwing pebbles at it to get her attention wasn’t an option.  So instead, he’d conspired with Rebecca, who’d dutifully unlocked the back door before going to bed one night.

When Sheck had appeared at Rory’s bedroom door, she’d wryly asked if he planned on using the door instead of the window from that point on.

“Are you kidding?” he’d replied with a scoff.  “Where’s the fun in that?
  The thrill of sneaking around is the whole point.”  Then, wearing his walking cast and moving with a slight, barely visible limp, he’d crossed the room and sat down at the foot of her bed.  “I miss you.”

Rory had realized in that instant how much she’d missed him, too.  She didn’t know why she’d been shutting him – and everyone else – out.  Sheck was her best friend.  He made things better just by being there.  Of course it wasn’t a magical cure all solution, but it was a start.

Now, as Rory climbed into the front passenger side of Sheck’s station wagon, she felt a strange sense of calm.  It was what she imagined an out of body experience must feel like.  It was as though she wasn’t really in the moment.  Instead, she was off somewhere watching herself like she was a character on a television show.

She’d done this what seemed like a million times before.  Getting into Sheck’s station wagon so he could drive them to Belleview High was nothing new.  But this t
ime Rebecca was in the backseat.

It felt good to have her sister there for moral support. 
She watched over Rory dutifully like a mother hen.  Maybe it should have been the other way around as Rory was the elder sister, albeit only by a slight margin.  In any event, it felt reassuring.  For whatever reason, the look in her sister’s eyes didn’t get to Rory quite as much as that same look in everyone else’s eyes did.

Rory knew how shy Rebecca was.  In fact, Rory suspected her sister might be just as nervous as she herself was about her return to school. 
They both knew everyone would stare.  Rory could only imagine the gossip.  Everyone knew she’d been the first one to find Grace hanging in her closet and all eyes would be on her after her long absence from school.

She was dreading it like nothing else.

Rory prayed for every light on the way to school to be a red one.  She hoped for a traffic jam, road construction, an overly cautious driver who drove well below the limit…anything that would delay their arrival at the high school.  But cruelly, it seemed they arrived there in record speed. 

She got out of the car on shaky legs, painfully aware that people were noticing her arrival already.  Their curious stares burned.  Rory, who usually basked in the limelight so long as her plethora of insecurities weren’t crippling her, just wanted to hide. 

She cast a desperate look at her sister, who was standing close to her as though to shield her from the inquisitive stares.  Rebecca reached down and squeezed Rory’s hand, a gesture no one else could see because of all the textbooks Rebecca was balancing on her hip. 

Sheck got out of the car and walked around to where the sisters stood.  With him on Rory’s left
side and Rebecca on Rory’s right side, the three made their way into the school. 

The bell rang, signalling that the students should start making their way to their homerooms for the first class of the day. 
Rebecca and Sheck were in a different homeroom than Rory.  “I’ll meet you here after school?” Rebecca asked, as though she was requesting permission to leave.

Rory nodded.

“You okay?” Sheck asked, leaning down and whispering in Rory’s ear.  “I’m not planning to stick around but if you want me to…”

“No, it’s okay.”  For a moment Rory contemplated asking Sheck to take her along with him, wherever he was going.  But she knew she had to face
school – and the stares – someday.  She was tired of putting it off. 

As she stood there alone in the clearing hallway, Rory clutched her bag to her chest. 

She hadn’t been prepared for the giant memorial that accosted her right inside the main entrance.  Flowers, stuffed animals, candles and handwritten notes were all arranged around a big banner with Grace’s name on it.  She felt her breath catch in her throat as she took it all in and then lowered her head, hurrying past it.

All through first period, the memorial dominated Rory’s thoughts.  How was it that Grace had practically been invisible before but now that she was dead, she had a larger-than-life presence at the school?  It made no sense. 

Halfway through second period, Rory asked to go to the bathroom.  But instead, she returned to the memorial.  She hadn’t wanted anyone to see her looking at it, but now that the hallways were empty and classes were in session, she could do it unnoticed.  She stood in front of it somewhat awkwardly, unsure of what one is supposed to do when visiting a memorial.

Grace’s funeral hadn’t seemed real.  At that point, Rory had still been in shock; nu
mb; detached.  The entire time she’d felt as though she was having an out of body experience, simply watching herself from above as she went through the motions.  This, somehow, seemed more tangible.  

As she read the notes that had been posted, Rory felt her
temper flare.  There were handwritten messages from several of the girls who sat at Rory’s lunch table.  Monica had signed hers with “Love, Monica” even though Rory wasn’t sure Monica had even known Grace’s name prior to the suicide.  There was even a note there from Hilary. 

Rory clenched her fists without even realizing she was doing it.

“Rory?”

She spun around, dismayed to be caught taking in the memorial.

Carson stood there looking as effortlessly handsome as ever.  He had a backpack slung over one shoulder and his letterman coat folded over his arm.  His eyes, normally twinkling, looked sad.  “Hi.”

“Hi.”

“I’ve called a few times.  I don’t know if you got my messages…?”

“I got them,” Rory said.  “Sorry, I meant to return them, I just –”

“It’s okay,” Carson interrupted, his gentle tone indicating that he hadn’t taken her silence personally.  “You don’t have to apologize.  I was just calling to see if you were okay.  Well I mean…I know you’re not okay but uh…I just wanted to check on you.”

“Oh.  Thanks.”

Carson took a step forward and picked up a teddy bear, turning it over in his hand thoughtfully.  “I wonder what Grace would make of all this,” he said contemplatively before gently setting the cuddly stuffed animal back down.

“I don’t know,” Rory said regretfully.  “I really didn’t know her that well.”

“Me neither,” Carson agreed.  “I’m not sure too many people did…although you wouldn’t know it by all this,” he added, gesturing to the scene in front of them.  His tone remained respectful but Rory caught the look of distaste on his face as he said the words.  It made her feel slightly less alone to know she wasn’t the only one bothered by the spectacle. 

Rory leaned against a locker, suddenly feeling lightheaded. 

Carson looked at her with concern.  “Are you okay?”

“I…yeah,” Rory nodded, exhaling deeply.  Her bag slumped to the floor and a tiny part of her wondered if she might follow suit.  Apparently Carson thought the same thing because he reached out and put a hand on her arm to steady her. 

Normally the simple gesture would have sent Rory over the moon, but nothing was normal anymore. 
This was the new normal.  This emptiness, this guilt, this pain…this was it.
  The thought made Rory feel like she had to throw up. 

“Rory?” Carson looked worried. 

“I don’t think I can do this,” she said quietly without an ounce of her typical melodrama.  “I thought I could do this…come back to school today, but I was wrong.  It’s just…it’s too much, you know?” 

Carson nodded.  “Let’s go.”

“Go where?”

He shrugged.  “Wherever you want,” he said.  “Are you hungry?” 

“Not really.”  For once in her life, food didn’t have any appeal whatsoever.

“Well then how about we just go to a movie?” he suggested.

A movie meant sitting in the dark for an hour staring at a screen.  It didn’t require much of Rory.  If she couldn’t concentrate on the plot or didn’t laugh at the funny parts or heaven forbid, started crying right there in the theater, no one had to be any the wiser.  A movie, Rory decided, sounded perfect.

It felt strange, walking out to Carson’s car with him.  The skipping school part wasn’t the unusual bit.   She’d done that plenty of times before.  It was the fact that she was getting something she’d always dreamed about –
time alone with
the
Carson Keller.  

But there was no excitement involved.  In fact,
she hesitated to even think of it as a date even though he insisted on buying her ticket for the dumb, predictable comedy that was playing.  Instead, she couldn’t help but wonder if Carson was paying attention to her out of pity.

Rory’s doubts were laid to rest about a half hour into the movie. 
Despite it only being mid-morning, Carson bought a jumbo sized container full of enough popcorn to feed a small country for a week.  Even though Rory’s appetite had been fickle since the night of the party, the melted butter smelled fantastic.  So when Carson told her she’d better help him eat it, she obliged.

The mindless stress eating felt good.  It gave Rory something to focus on.  Open mouth and insert popcorn, chew, swallow and repeat.  It was simple.  It was predictable.  It was, in some small way, comforting.

But then Rory and Carson both reached into the bucket at the same exact moment and his fingers grazed her hand.  Rory glanced over at him and saw he was looking at her.  There was something about sitting there in the semi-darkness beside him that made her feel a brief, fleeting moment of excitement.  She felt her heart leap into her throat as, for a second, she felt truly, genuinely happy.

She could imagine kissing him. 
She could practically feel it.  Her eyes moved over Carson’s lips longingly as she contemplated leaning forward and pressing her lips against his right then and there.  Had it been some other guy she cared less about, maybe Rory would have done it.  But she’d fallen so hard for Carson, admiring him from afar, that she didn’t want to risk messing anything up.

Maybe he would kiss her. 
Maybe he truly liked her even when alcohol wasn’t clouding his judgment.  She’d sensed something that night at the party and –
oh God, the party.
 

Grace.  Just like that, Rory’s
thoughts turned to Grace as they always inevitably did.  She swallowed the lump in her throat and abruptly pulled her hand back as though she’d been burned, wiping the remnants of salty melted butter off on her jeans.

She didn’t blame Carson for looking confused.

Suddenly Rory didn’t want to be there anymore.  For ages, all she’d dreamed about was being alone with Carson, going out with him…doing anything with him, really.  Her thoughts had been consumed with giddy fantasies of the fairytale way in which they’d fall in love. 

But now that her dream was coming true, she didn’t want it. 
It wouldn’t be right.

She stood up abruptly right there in the near-empty theater. 
She knocked over her drink in her haste to get up, the lid popping off and the syrupy cola spilling in the theater aisle. “I should get back to the school,” she said.

Carson’s brow furrowed in bewilderment.  “But the movie isn’t over,” he pointed out, gesturing to the screen that Rory had been pretty much ignoring. 
She hadn’t noticed.  She didn’t even know what the movie was about – she’d just been staring blankly at the screen and going through the motions.  She didn’t care.