Cattleman's Courtship (22 page)

Cara easily heard the pain in his voice and knew how dearly this would cost him. Would cost the ranch. But was leaving the only solution?

“I could ask Gordon to do another test, to try again—”

“I talked to Gordon. He’s already put in the order to slaughter the herd.”

“I can’t believe every problem has to be solved by you, or by you working away from the ranch. Isn’t there anything else you can do?”

Nicholas turned to her and she caught a flash of despair in his eyes. “What? Carpentry work? Driving a school bus? Maybe working part-time at the Seed and Feed in Cochrane? Or how about I work at the auction mart for about nine dollars an hour? And maybe, after ten years of that, I’ll be able to build up my herd again and support a family.” He sliced the air with his hand. “Truth is, Cara, I make more in one tour on the rigs than I would in four years of working at any other job.”

“So the money is that important to you?”

“You say it isn’t to you, but that changes over time.”

“I don’t want you to go, Nicholas,” she said.

Nicholas reached out to her, as if to help her understand. “Don’t ask me to stay. Please don’t make me choose again.”

Cara pressed her hand against her chest as if to push down her rising fear and with that, her anger. He still didn’t get it.

“If you leave again, Nicholas, we’re right back to where we were three years ago. I’m not going there. I thought we were through that, I thought we had both grown and changed, but it looks like you haven’t at all.”

Nicholas stared at her. “And have you? You accuse me of running off, but are you still leaving for Montreal?”

“I wasn’t going to.”

“Wasn’t?” A frown creased his forehead as he zeroed in on that vague word.

“No. I wasn’t. But you leave me no choice.”

“Cara—”

She held up her hand to block his protest, to put up a shield against his heartrending appeal. “Your job is too dangerous.”

“I always come back, Cara.”

His words snaked into her mind, an eerie echo of her mother’s.

She glanced down at the leg he had broken the last time. She remembered the stories she’d heard of threats on workers’ lives, thinking of the casual way his co worker had talked about kidnappings and ransoms.

And as she turned her eyes back to him her past came crashing into her present and her throat thickened with old pain and old sorrow. “That’s exactly what my mother always said.”

“What do you mean?”

Cara wrapped her arms around herself, as if to contain the sorrow that she had walled in these past few years.

But Nicholas’s gentle foray into her heart had softened her. Had made her vulnerable and the pain sifted too easily through the breaks he had created in her fortifications.

“Every time she left she told me the work wasn’t dangerous. And when I pleaded with her to stay, not to leave me alone, she told me not to be selfish. Not to think of myself. That her work was important and that she would be back.” Cara couldn’t stop the hitch in her voice. “And then one time she didn’t come back. And I was alone.” She swallowed and swallowed, struggling to maintain her composure as the pain she had held back so long came crashing back.

She looked up at Nicholas, at the face that had grown so dear to her. At the eyes that could melt her heart with one look. At the mouth that promised so much and the arms that gave her security and shelter.

She couldn’t stay behind, waiting each time he left, wondering, as she had with her mother, if he would return.

“It took that one time to tear my world apart,” she cried, her hands clutching her sides. “And I’m not going through that again. I can’t, Nicholas. I can’t live with that fear hanging over my head each time you leave. I can’t think of losing you.” She dashed the tears away, not caring that he saw her like this, not caring that she had lost control of her emotions.

Nicholas stared at her, as if finally realizing what his leaving might cost her.

“Cara, please—”

“Stop. I know the ranch is important and I know how much you’ve put into it, but if you leave I can’t stay and put myself through that pain again.”

She waited a moment, as if her declaration might change something, anything between them, but he made no move toward her, said nothing to change her mind.

Then she turned, stumbled down the steps and ran toward her car.

Every step she took away from Nicholas was like a shot to her own heart.

She knew she would never see him again.

Chapter Sixteen

“C
an’t sleep, honey?” Aunt Lori walked into the half-darkened living room and settled herself on the couch beside Cara as the grandfather clock in the corner rang two o’clock in the morning. “What are you reading?”

“The Psalms. Trying to find out what I’m supposed to learn through all of this.” Cara’s eyes were dry. She had cried all the way back from Nicholas’s place, praying that she wouldn’t get into an accident. Thankfully neither Uncle Alan nor Aunt Lori was home when she got here.

She had hidden herself away in her bedroom, letting the tears flow until her eyes burned.

After supper she had gone back to her bedroom but sleep had eluded her.

She’d been here for four hours already, reading, praying—anything to keep from looking into the bleak and cheerless landscape of her future.

Cara turned another page. “I thought Nicholas and I were on our way to a new and better place. I even thought, in one silly, hopeful corner of my mind, that he would propose again.”

Aunt Lori slipped her arm around her niece’s shoulder. “I’m so sorry, honey. I was starting to see such hope and joy in your eyes. I was starting to make my own silly plans.” She squeezed Cara, offering what comfort she could. “Have you called Mr. Rousseau in Montreal?”

“He’s not in the office until tomorrow. I was going to call him then and let him know I wasn’t coming.”

“And now?”

The words hung between them.

“I’m taking the job,” Cara said finally. “It’s a great opportunity. And it will take me halfway across the country.”

“And away from Nicholas.”

Cara didn’t reply.

Aunt Lori sighed and stroked Cara’s head. “I’m sure you know what you’re doing. I wish there was a way to solve Nicholas’s problem with the cattle. Because if that happened, maybe he wouldn’t leave.”

“Am I being selfish because I don’t want Nicholas to work those risky jobs? I know he wants to save his ranch but if this is Nicholas’s way of solving all his money problems that won’t change in the future. There will always be something to fix, repair or buy.”

Aunt Lori gave her a reassuring smile. “No, honey. You’re not selfish. I think Nicholas feels he has no choice, which, of course, is never true. We all have a choice and it’s how we make our choices that determine what is most important in our lives.”

“And for him, it’s the ranch. Always will be the ranch. How can I compete with that?”

“You don’t have to fight the ranch or compete with it. Maybe you just have to embrace it, understand it. I know you’ve been looking for community and roots, but I also think you’ve been afraid to get too settled.”

“What do you mean?”

Aunt Lori angled her head to one side as if to look at the problem from another viewpoint. “I remember telling your mother it wasn’t fair to you, to move you around from place to place, and that she had to do something about it. For your sake.”

“Is that why she left me here?”

“One of the reasons.” Aunt Lori picked up Cara’s hand and gently stroked it with her thumb. “She said something to me once that didn’t sink in until recently. How she was afraid of you.”

“Afraid?” What could Aunt Lori be talking about? “My mother wasn’t afraid of anything.”

Aunt Lori’s gentle look held a shadow of pity as she squeezed Cara’s hand. “I think she was afraid of getting too attached to you. You never knew your father, and though he was never in your life, your mother cared for him a lot more than she let on. When he died, it sent her into a tailspin of grief. I think she always hoped he would come to his senses and come back to her and you. And I think her reaction to his death was to throw herself into whatever work she could to get rid of the grief.”

“She always told me I was lucky to be born where I was, and that she had to help these other children.” Cara’s heart seemed to fold in on itself, as if protecting itself once again from the pain of the past. “It was like she always chose them over me.”

“That was her way of keeping you at arm’s length.” Aunt Lori’s voice was suddenly quiet and steady. “I tried to tell her she would be the one who would lose in the end. Trouble was you were the one that lost the most. I think you lost the ability to give yourself completely to anyone because you were afraid that whatever you love might get taken away.”

The tiniest crack tremored through Cara’s defenses. “When I asked Nicholas not to go, I felt like I was a little girl again. Asking my mother not to go.” Cara sighed. “Do you think I’m afraid of loving Nicholas, too?”

“What do you think?”

Aunt Lori’s simple question placed doubt on Cara’s arguments against loving Nicholas. The arguments she built to defend her heart. Then she released a heavy sigh. “Maybe.”

“Do you think he loves you?”

“I don’t know. If he does, why would he leave?”

Aunt Lori released Cara’s hand and sat back, folding her arms around her middle, as if trying to find the best way to answer.

“When your uncle had his heart attack, I resented every minute he’d spent at the clinic. I thought if only he hadn’t worked so hard he would have been fine. And maybe that was true. But I also know that your uncle defines himself through work. For Alan a large part of his significance is not only in his work, but also in being able to provide for the people he loves. I think Nicholas is of a similar character and if you care for Nicholas, you need to appreciate the things he appreciates.”

“I know what the ranch means to him. I didn’t get that the first time.”

“Then you’ll have to understand why he does what he does.”

“So you’re saying Nicholas is right to head off?”

Aunt Lori responded with a shrug. “I’m not saying he’s right or wrong. I’m just saying that if you care about him, you’ll realize his dedication to the ranch is a vital part of who he is.”

“And what about me? Where do I fit in this?”

Aunt Lori’s only response was a careful lift of one eyebrow encouraging Cara to explain.

“I have to protect…protect myself,” she continued, pleading with her aunt to understand her stumbling answers. “It’s the only way I’ll survive.”

“Survive?”

Cara’s resolve weakened with each question her aunt lobbed her way.

“Yes. Survive.” A throb of an older emotion passed through her, as the pain she had exposed to Nicholas returned.

“That makes it sound like you’re on your own. Like you have to get through life on your own strength.” Though Aunt Lori’s words were gently spoken they held the gentlest lash of reprimand.

Ashamed, Cara looked down at the Bible in her lap and her gaze was caught by the word
strength.
She read the passage aloud. “‘Blessed are those whose strength is in You.’”

“Those words are true for all of us,” Aunt Lori said. “Me as well as you. I know I had to cling to that when Uncle Alan was in the hospital, and I still have to realize my strength and my trust is in God, not myself.”

Cara ran her finger along the edge of the page, drawing up the old memories she had thrown at Nicholas. “When mom died, I had to think of what she always told me. That you have to take care of yourself.”

“She was wrong, Cara. Taking care of yourself turns you into an island. Thinking only of yourself pushes other people and their needs away. You’re a better person than that. You have a good heart. Please don’t take on your mother’s problems.” Aunt Lori released a light sigh as she stroked Cara’s hair. “When she died, I wanted nothing more than to hold you close, to let you know we were here, but you were older, so independent. So much, in some ways, like your mother. So I kept my distance, waiting for you to let me know how you felt. Waiting to hear from your own mouth how much it hurt. But you kept us at a distance.”

Cara covered her mouth with her hand, holding back the trembling. “I’m sorry, Aunty. I felt so alone. And I pushed you away and I pushed God away. I was doing exactly what my mother told me to do. Taking care of myself.” Cara turned to her aunt. “Just like I did the last time I left. The last time Nicholas and I fought. I’m sorry I didn’t call as often as I should have. I’m sorry that I kept myself separate from you. I thought if I did, I wouldn’t hurt as much.”

“Did it work?”

Cara shook her head as hot tears welled up. “I missed you so much.”

Aunt Lori gently brushed an errant tear from Cara’s cheek. “I know you did. But I’m also guessing you missed Nicholas.”

Cara sighed. “I did. Horribly.”

“And you will again. I know losing your mother made you afraid, but how would you sooner live? Alone? Safe? Or would you sooner risk loving someone? When you left I was so hurt. And I’m not telling this to make you feel guilty, just to explain. I could have avoided that hurt by not taking you in at all. Your uncle and I could have kept our lives free and uncluttered.” Aunt Lori’s expression softened and she reached out and tucked a strand of hair behind Cara’s ear. “But we would have missed out on all the good things we had having you in our home. Love causes pain and makes you vulnerable to pain, but it’s worth every hurt for the blessing it gives you.”