Center Ice (12 page)

Chapter Eighteen

- Karen -

This time when Tyler pulled up outside the house to drop me off after our swim, there was no crowd of family members in the front yard, but I still felt awkward. It had been a great afternoon. We’d gotten along well, we’d had fun. There had been several times that I’d wanted him to kiss me, and I definitely felt like he returned the interest, but he hadn’t made a move. And now, sitting in his truck, it seemed like another natural time for us to slide closer together and let our bodies do what they wanted. But instead of letting any of that happen, or
making
any of it happen, I just gave him a small smile and slid out of my seat. “Thanks,” I said. “That was fun.”

He nodded. “Yeah. I’ll give you a call, okay? Or you can call me. Or I’ll see you at school on Tuesday. Something.”

So many options, but I still felt like I didn’t have any choice in the matter. I’d see him, sure, but I was too weak to trust myself to really take advantage of it. “Okay,” I said, and I headed toward the house. I thought about the first day of school, and how maybe I’d see him walking down the hall with another girl, smiling at her in his sweet way, and I knew I’d have nothing to complain about, nothing to reproach him with.

I was feeling almost queasy as I made my way around the back of the house and toward the kitchen door. I’d apparently decided that the front door was off limits, and now it always seemed like I was sneaking around. One more weird, pointless decision on my part.

My random angst turned into full-blown anxiety when I walked into the kitchen and saw Natalie standing at the counter, her hands gripping the edges of the sink as if she were trying to keep herself from being blown away in a tornado. Will was a few feet behind her, his expression strained.

He turned to look at me, but she didn’t. Somehow, I knew too much. I knew she wasn’t looking at me because if she did I’d see that she was crying. I knew that he was the one who’d made her cry. Probably cheating, but it didn’t really matter. He looked guilty and almost shocked. I could see him trying to work up to being indignant, as if her reaction was out of line, as if she should have just shrugged off whatever his current transgression was.

Will was my father, but I wanted to go over and give Natalie a hug, maybe even kiss her cheek and whisper some words of comfort. Instead, I turned my head and found my way down to the basement.

Surprise number two. All three kids were down there in the rec room, huddled on the big leather sofa with their faces tense. Matt was at one end looking concerned, and Sara and Miranda were cuddled up together at the other end. Their saccharine-sweet “we all love and support each other” bullshit should have made me nauseated, but it didn’t.

I had no idea what to say, so I headed into my bedroom and shut the door. I didn’t know if this was typical, just another fight in a stormy marriage, or if it was something bigger than that. The kids didn’t seem to be taking it too well, and that wasn’t a good sign.

How much of this was my fault? I hadn’t exactly been a ray of sunshine since I’d arrived. Well, that was a bit of an understatement. I’d been a nightmare for the entire family, an unwelcome reminder of Will’s past misbehavior who refused to shut up and let things settle down. Miranda was a bitch, no doubt, but I hadn’t been much better, and it had been Natalie who’d been stuck between the two of us.

I was tempted to go back out to the rec room. I could sit on the floor, not presuming to be part of their little club but still close enough to draw a bit of comfort. Maybe I’d lean back against the sofa and somebody would put their hand on my shoulder.

Or maybe Miranda would kick me in the kidneys and then start screaming at me to go back to where I came from and get out of their perfect lives.

Not a chance I was willing to take, so I lay down on my bed and stared at the ceiling, instead.

When I finally emerged from my cave and made my way upstairs, Natalie was gone. I hadn’t heard a thing. No yelling, no slammed doors, no crying. Either the house was even more soundproof than I’d thought, or Natalie had left with her typical dignity and poise.

Will was on the phone, ordering pizza, and the kids were sitting at the kitchen table looking shell-shocked.

Will hung up and smiled at me. For the first time, I saw desperation in his attempted charm. “Natalie’s mom isn’t feeling too well, so Natalie’s going to stay over there for a couple days, help nurse her back to health. We get to look after ourselves for a bit.” He was trying to make it sound like a fun adventure, but no one else even cracked a smile. Still, he kept going. “Pizza for breakfast, lunch, and dinner, if we want!”

As if Natalie’s only contribution to the family was her cooking.

Sara had clearly been crying, and it looked like she was ready to start again. “But I
don’t
want,” she said plaintively.

“Pizza’s your favorite!” Will reached out to muss Sara’s hair, but she jerked away and eyed him reproachfully.

“She’s coming back, right?” Sara stared at Will as if trying to read the truth from his soul. “A couple days. That’s all, right?”

“Probably not even that long,” Will scoffed. “Grandma Patterson is tough. She’ll be on her feet in no time, and Natalie will be right back where she belongs. Everything will be normal again.” He might have been convincing himself, but I don’t think anyone else in the room believed him.

None of the kids even looked at me, and it had never been more painfully clear that I was an outsider. I felt awkward, sure, but that was all. I had never really been a part of the family, so it wasn’t all that horrible for me to see it being torn apart.

Except that somehow, it was.

I had never thought I wanted this family, never thought I needed them.
I’d
been the one pulling away and telling them to give me space. Now, though, I realized that I
did
need them. Natalie, at least, but even the others meant something. For all his failings, Will was the only real relative I had left. Sara was a sweetheart, both younger and older than her years. Matt and Miranda…well, Matt and Miranda were a challenge, but I definitely envied their closeness and the way they seemed to really enjoy spending time with each other. This was family worth fighting for. Worth saving.

“We should have a salad,” I said. “Shouldn’t we?” Natalie was a big fan of fresh vegetables at every meal. “Sara, can you help me make a salad?” I knew the next part was a gamble, but I went for it. “And, Matt, you made that dressing the other night, right? The pesto vinaigrette? Do we have the ingredients for you to make that again?”

For an awkward moment, nobody moved. I was about to slink away back to my cave when help came from the most unexpected source. “Yeah,” Miranda said decisively. “Matt, that dressing was great. Sara, can you go pick us some tomatoes and cucumbers?” She stood up, tall and graceful, and moved toward the cupboards. “I’ll set the table, Karen, if you can figure out the rest of the salad stuff?” It sounded genuine, like a polite invitation to share a project, not an order or a trap.

Still, I was suspicious. “Okay,” I said cautiously. There was no punch line, no sarcastic response from Miranda. We all just started our assigned tasks, while Will stood with his back to the counter, watching us work. It was kind of amazing how smoothly everything went. We made the salad, the pizza arrived, and we all sat down to eat. With nothing to keep ourselves distracted, the lack of conversation was a little more obvious than it had been while we were working, but we were able to pretend that we were just not talking with our mouths full.

We were just finishing up the meal when the phone rang, and Sara jumped out of her chair as if she’d been given a shock. “I’ll get it,” she yelled, sprinting for the kitchen.

We could all hear her answer the phone and start sobbing. “Why are you gone? When are you coming back? You’re coming back, right? Can you come back
now
?”

Will had the grace to look ashamed. He stood abruptly and said, “You guys take care of cleanup, okay? And…take care of Sara.” He left us, then, striding off toward the den.

Miranda sighed in disgust and growled, “This is all your fault.”

I couldn’t disagree. I couldn’t even look at her.

I was a bit surprised to hear Matt say, “Come on, Miranda.” He didn’t sound like he was defending me. It was more like he was defending himself, and when I made myself look at Miranda, she was staring at him, not me.

“
Your
fault,” she repeated. “That’s what set her off.”

I was completely confused. It felt like a conversation I shouldn’t be hearing, but it would feel too awkward to stand up and leave. Besides, I was curious. What had Matt done?

“It has nothing to do with any of you. I can’t believe Beth even mentioned it.” Beth was his girlfriend; I hadn’t met her because she’d spent her summer as a camp counselor somewhere up north and had just gotten back recently. But what the hell had she said that could set off something like this?

Miranda whirled toward me, and suddenly I was no longer the fly on the wall for this conversation. “He was cheating on her,” she announced angrily.

I had no idea what to say. “Yeah. I thought…I thought everybody knew that?”

It was her turn to look confused, but her expression quickly changed to disgust. “Not Daddy! Matt! Beth was away for the summer, and Matt was going out with Andrea Davis! Sneaking around, not telling anybody.” She snarled at her twin. “Just like Daddy! God, Matt, is it honestly that hard to just control yourself?”

“You’re one to talk,” he fired back. “You gave it up for Tyler MacDonald without much self-control, didn’t you?”

This was too much. I’d have thought I’d love to see them at each other’s throats, but it turned out it was kind of sad. And almost scary. “Shhh,” I hissed. “Sara’s in the kitchen. She’s already freaking out, she doesn’t need to be worrying about you guys, too!”

They both stared at me, and I could see the snarky response just ready to fly out of Miranda’s mouth. Instead, she closed her lips tightly and spoke much more quietly when she told Matt, “You need to make this better.”

“How?” he replied in a hoarse whisper. “It doesn’t even make sense. Why would she leave Dad because
I
did something stupid?”

“You’re admitting it was stupid, at least?” Miranda sounded slightly mollified.

“Yeah,” he said, “I guess. I mean, I really like them both…”

“You’re a pig!” Miranda snarled.

“Okay,” I interrupted. “Maybe that should be a conversation you guys have some time when Sara isn’t quite so close.”

And of course, that was when Sara appeared in the doorway. “I’m not a little kid!” she yelled. It was the first time she’d been upset with me, and I didn’t like it. “I don’t want to be lied to, and I don’t want people hiding things from me!”

“Is Mom still on the phone?” Miranda interrupted. “I need to talk to her.”

“She said she was staying at Grandma and Grandpa’s for a couple days. She said we can call her there whenever we need to.” Sara sounded a little calmer now that she had news to share.

“I need to talk to her now,” Miranda said firmly. She looked at her brother. “And so do you. We need to fix this.”

She stalked off toward the stairs, her brother following reluctantly, and Sara looked at me, then turned away. “I’m going to watch TV,” she announced, and headed for the basement.

I was left in the dining room looking at the remains of the dinner. Will had asked us to tidy up, but we’d been the ones who’d
mad
e the dinner. Well, us and the pizza place. Still, it didn’t seem like my job to be the family’s maid. I pushed my chair back and felt in my pocket to be sure my cell was there. I wanted to make a call of my own, and I didn’t feel like putting it off until after I’d done the dishes. It didn’t matter what accusations Miranda was throwing around; this whole situation was Will’s fault. He should clean up his own mess, in the kitchen and elsewhere.

I felt like everything was spinning around me, shifting and changing too fast too keep up with. The only time I felt stable was when I was with Tyler. Maybe it was a mistake, and maybe I was setting myself up for the same sort of pain Natalie was suffering from. But I needed to feel safe, and I knew Tyler could give me that.

Chapter Nineteen

- Tyler -

“I have no idea what that little show in the locker room was about, but in the future you will keep your goddamned mouth
shut
when there is a scout around.” My dad was doing a weird thing where he tried to look like he was smiling and happy at the same time that he was cussing me out. He wasn’t very good at it and probably anyone who saw him would just think he had a weird facial tick or something. They’d definitely realize that he was giving me shit. But we were at a team dinner, around guys who’d seen me and my dad interact for years now. They’d know he was giving me shit just because they saw that his lips were moving.

“I didn’t know there was a scout around,” I said defensively. “He was spying on us or something.”

“You were in the goddamn locker room,” my dad growled. “From now on, you treat that as a public space. No, you treat it like it’s a goddamn boardroom you’ve been brought to for a big interview. You should
always
be on your best behavior,
always
trying to impress people. There is no goddamn room for mistakes here, Tyler.”

“Was he pissed off? The guy this afternoon. He seemed okay when he left.” I wasn’t trying to defend myself anymore, just trying to figure out whether I
had
been homophobic or offensive. Not that the scout was the final word or anything, but I didn’t really know anyone who was openly gay, so he was the best judge I had.

“I don’t know,” my dad said disgustedly. “He was hard to read. And, really, it’s not like you want to get drafted by Ottawa anyway. We’re looking for a big market team for you, Tyler, somewhere you can use that pretty face to earn yourself some serious endorsement money.”

Between his bragging about my puck bunnies earlier in the day and calling me pretty at night, I was hitting a limit for how gross my dad could get without me puking on him. “Okay, well, I’ll try to keep an eye out for scouts in the future,” I said. And I began to understand what my grandma had meant when she’d said I was born with a devil on my shoulder. For some reason I felt compelled to add, “And I’ll try to keep my feelings for Winslow under cover. Not literally. Well, maybe literally, if he actually comes to his senses and realizes that our love is meant to be.”

“What the hell is wrong with you?” my dad asked. It sounded like a genuine question, but I didn’t really have an answer for him. Then he made it worse. “Is this about the new girl? What’s her name? The one I’m hearing you’re spending so much time with. You do not have time for a serious girlfriend, Tyler. You want to screw around and sow your wild oats, that’s just fine. You need to be sure you don’t get anyone knocked up, because that is
not
a headache we want to be dealing with, but other than that, go for it. But keep your head in the game. No distractions.”

Yeah, getting permission from my dad to sleep around? That was the hat trick of gross dad comments, and definitely more creepiness than I could handle in one day. “I should go,” I said. We’d already eaten dinner and done all the cheesy toasts and all the rest of the crap that apparently made The Corrigan Falls Raiders into the best darn OHL team ever, so I could escape if I needed to. And it was definitely time. “There are puck bunnies out there just
begging
to have totally non-distracting sex with me. I can’t disappoint them.”

“You didn’t used to be so mouthy,” my dad said. He sounded almost sad, but as always there was a distinctly angry undertone.

“I used to be a little kid,” I reminded him. “You’ve known me since before I could speak. It’d be kind of amazing if I hadn’t changed at all in that time, wouldn’t it?”

“You weren’t this mouthy
two weeks
ago,” he said.

I didn’t answer him, but I was pretty sure he was actually telling the truth. It wasn’t just Karen. Well, yeah, it was probably mostly her. But not in the obvious way. Not, like, she was mouthy so I was, too. It was more like she thought about things and tried to point out when they didn’t make sense, and I was trying to do the same, and that made both of us—well, it made both of us a little mouthy, maybe. It wasn’t an accusation I was going to lose a lot of sleep over.

My phone rang then and I was happy to answer it, even happier when I saw the name on the call display. I knew my dad was standing there, listening and judging, but I tried not to let myself care. I needed a break. “Hey,” I said.

“Can you come get me?” Karen asked. I waited for more details, but she didn’t offer any.

“You’re at home?”

“If that’s what you want to call it,” she agreed.

“Okay. Give me ten minutes.” I hung up and looked at my father. “I’ll be at the rink on time or early, every day. I’ll work my ass off, and I’ll try to be a leader. I’ll play the best hockey I can. That’s all I can do.”

He shook his head disgustedly. “If you throw this chance away, you’re going to spend the rest of your life regretting it. Trust me on that.”

He said it like he’d been a prospect himself. He always talked that way, but I’d looked him up, and he’d never even made the OHL. A year and a half in Junior A, and that was it. He’d never got too specific about this mythical chance he’d thrown away, but looking at his dates in the league and my birth date, it wasn’t too hard to figure out what he was talking about. Bullshit, of course, because a nineteen-year-old still in Junior A does
not
make it to the big league, whether or not a baby comes along to slow him down, but I guess it’s what he told himself to make his life easier to accept. And it gave him a good way to try to guilt me. It had worked for a while, before I understood how the hockey system worked.

But now, I just nodded and let his words flow over me. “I won’t throw anything away,” I said. “But I need to go.”

He didn’t try to stop me. But I knew he was standing there, watching me leave, and I knew he wished I was different than I was. Just like I wished the same thing for him. Neither one of us was going to get our wish, though, so it was up to both of us to just try to get along as best we could with the family we were stuck with.