Center of Gravity (Marauders Book 3) (23 page)

“Maybe she was protesting. One of those crazy sign-holders thing?” Mitch tried, and Mac’s raised eyebrow was enough of an answer. “No. She probably wouldn’t. Do women do that? Don’t they… I don’t know,
tell
a guy they’re pregnant?”

“You’re asking me?”

“Yeah. That was stupid.” Asking Mac ‘the family man’ about how fuck buddies behaved was stupid. He leaned his head in his hands. “Shit. Fuck, motherfucker, and shit.”

He was trying to imagine it, but he had no idea how he really felt. If she’d done it, shouldn’t he be relieved? It wasn’t that fucking long ago he’d told his mom he’d put a bullet in his head if he were a dad before next Thanksgiving. And now he was… what? Being sad that she’d had an abortion? Or just pissed that she didn’t tell him, or even give him a shot? He had absolutely no fucking idea what it was that he was feeling—or what he was supposed to feel.

He looked at Mac. “I’m not sure what I’m supposed to do.”

“Me neither, but I don’t think pouring tequila down your throat is the answer.”

“No. Probably not,” he agreed. “I thought she’d met someone in New York or something, and I was pissed.”

Mitch rarely gave a fuck about what other people thought about him or what he was doing, but he always cared about what Mac thought about him. He always had because Mac was one of the good guys. He could never be
like
him, but he needed Mac to be okay with what he did. Always. Mac was pretty much his moral compass, and even if he didn’t keep a constant eye on it, he liked to glance at it on occasion to know he wasn’t way off.

Mac eventually laughed. “Pouring tequila down your throat could be the temporary answer to that.”

“Yeah.”

“You’re a total goner,” Mac chuckled. “It’s not too late. Unless you can’t forgive her.”

“I don’t know. I’m not sure what I’d have said if she had talked to me, but it does feel pretty fucking shitty of her to not even care enough to tell me.” The more he thought about it, the more pissed he actually got. “Extremely fucking shitty.”

“Maybe she’s confused about it, too, Mitch.”

Oh, he bet she was. He was kind of wondering how many loops life was going to throw her in a short time. He still thought she should’ve told him, though. He caught himself wondering if he would prefer it if she’d already had the abortion, or if he actually wanted her to keep it—and he didn’t know. At the same time it pissed him off that she’d cut him out of it all together. Even if they’d never talked about what they had going on together, they’d both known it was more than sex, and they both knew he deserved better than what she was doing now.

“Hey, it’s not all messed up,” Mac said. “It’s not like she met someone else, and is about to move away or something, and she might be having your kid.”

“I’m just trying to figure out if a kid is a good or bad thing.” When Mac started to laugh he turned towards him. “What?”

“Just... you’ve gone through your entire life, without ever hitting a real bump in the road. Then you actually fall for the girl, and when it really matters, you fuck up.”

Mitch just shook his head, but he did smile a little. Mac was right, when it really mattered, he had fucked up. And he had no idea how to fix it, or if he even wanted to fix it. Or what he wanted the result to be. He wanted Anna, wanted a real shot with her, and he wasn’t sure that knocking her up was the best way to do that, whether she kept the child or not. And frankly, he wasn’t sure what he’d do if he found out she’d had an abortion, either.

“Have you ever even been dumped before?” Mac asked.

“Yeah. Victoria Hanson.”

“You were seventeen then.”

“Still. I’ve been dumped and it sucked.”

“You got head in the library the next day.”

“That’s how I grieve.”

Mac just shook his head while laughing, but he stayed for almost the full night, and they talked, but not about Anna or... the thing that might not be a thing. Mac was being Mac, and he was giving him time. He doubted he’d get away that easily the next time he brought it up. He’d figure it out.

-o0o-

He didn’t figure it out, and after a few more days of drinking and drugs, he stumbled out of his room, hung over as fuck. After yelling at some hang-arounds and sweetbutts, he finally got a cup of coffee.

Two minutes later, his dad sat down next to him.

“I was gonna give you time, and I did. You’re my son, I love you, but after a month of this shit even
I
wanna put a bullet in you. Can you even imagine what the rest of them want to do?”

“Dad, this isn’t the time.”

“No, because you’ve been drinking like a fish and snorted more shit than I’d like to think about, but this is it. You’ve got two minutes to tell me what your fucking problem is, or you’re out.”

“Out?”

“We have important shit going on. The meet with the Ghouls is next fucking month, and you’ve dropped the ball. Mech is taking care of everything himself. So spill!”

“It’s Anna,” he started, but had no idea how to continue.

“Yeah, genius, I know that. I need the rest of the info.”

“She… left for New York to visit some friends, I didn’t hear from her after that, and a few days ago Mac saw her coming out of an abortion clinic.”

“What did she say?”

“I haven’t talked to her.”

“So you don’t actually know if she had an abortion, or if she was just desperate and tried to figure out what the fuck she should do?” His dad sighed and shook his head.

Mitch didn’t know how to answer, but it didn’t matter. His dad wasn’t done, and with a firm grip of his neck, he took him outside so they could talk in private.

“I don’t give a
fuck
where you put your dick, or if you’re drinking or smoking pot. But when you start with heavier drugs, and don’t seem to have any control over it, I
do
have a problem, because it means you’ll make stupid mistakes. And I don’t give a fuck about you not being able to keep it in your pants even when you have girlfriends. I really don’t. But if you knock a woman up, you take care of your kid.”

“Fuck you! I don’t even know if it’s mine! She could be screwing half the town for all I know.”

He honestly didn’t see it coming. Whether it was the fact that he was hung over as fuck, or that he didn’t think his dad was capable of it, he didn’t know, but he didn’t see it coming. His dad’s fist connected with the side of his face twice. The next thing he saw were his own hands resting on the ground, and his ears were ringing.

Then he was pulled off the ground, and Brick’s face was mere inches from his own.

“We both know that’s bullshit, so for once in your fucking life, be a man about a woman and not just a fucking dick.”

“I’m sorry.”

“You can’t keep this up. You know that, too. We need you, but we need you sharp. Go talk to her, sort this shit out, and come back when you’ve pulled your head out of your ass.”

Brick dropped him on one of the benches, and when Mitch touched his face with his hands, he felt the blood. Obviously his dad had split his eyebrow or something. With yet another sigh, Brick squatted down in front of him.

“Remember that dinner when you told me about black holes?” he asked.

“Yeah.”

When he was younger, Mitch’d eagerly shared his discoveries at the dinner table. Most of the time, it was him talking for twenty minutes straight without anyone interrupting or asking questions. This was before he fully understood the wonders of the internet, where he could share his discoveries with people who actually understood them, could comment on them, and even teach him more about them.

“I didn’t get much of it, but I do remember you saying it was just a whole lotta nothin’. That’s what you are now, son. A whole lotta nothin’. So get your act together and go get the girl.”

As usual, his dad had totally missed the point of what Mitch’d been trying to say when came to black holes, but he did understand what he meant.

“What if she had the abortion?”

“Did you ever say anything to her that could make her think she was more than just a fuck to you?”

“She should still have
said
something. Not just kill it off.”

“You don’t even know if she did. Find out before you’re pissed at her. And for the record, that could be my second grandkid there, so you better fucking try to patch that shit up. It’s family.”

“Ever thought that I might’ve just have been a fuck for her?”

“I know you’re a charming fucker when you try, so I’m not too worried,” Brick said with a crooked grin as he stood up. “I’ll see you in a few days. You need to come by and calm Mel down. She’s worried. And you owe Mech a big fucking apology, because he’s been covering your ass.”

Mitch watched his dad walk away and back into the clubhouse. It was the first time in years he felt like crying. He’d known his dad would be pissed, but he’d actually been more worried he’d go after Anna. Which was kind of ridiculous when he thought about it. Apparently Anna was on his good side, and instead it was somehow completely his fault, which didn’t feel fair, either.

Brick was right, though. He needed to at least talk to her before hating her guts.

Even if his dad got the idea of black holes completely wrong, Mitch was still stuck on them. A lot of physicists, even Einstein, hadn’t believed they were real. Their formulas and ideas proved they were possible, but they refused to believe nature would allow a force like that to exist. The idea of such an immense force, one that could cause the core of an enormous star to just disappear, it was beyond what a human mind could comprehend.

He could relate to that at the moment.

CHAPTER FIFTEEN

It Was More

-o0o-

When the doorbell rang, I was surprised, since I wasn’t expecting anybody, but I went to open it. And there he was. Mitch. I hadn’t seen him since the morning of the day I went to New York, but I’d certainly thought about him. I just hadn’t been able to deal.

While I was in New York, I had spent most of my time with my old roommates, the lovely Japanese Satomi and the very, very hot, and also gay, Jens from Germany. They were kind of a funny couple to look at. She was small, dark, and quite shy, and he was huge, blond, and outgoing to an extreme extent. It was great to see them again, and we spent the first night catching up. They didn’t avoid talking about dancing, but when it came to them everything about ballet was about gossip. Who was currently hating who, who was possibly giving blowjobs to get good parts since they totally didn’t deserve the roles they were getting, who was getting fat (besides me), and all those things I had missed.

It was fun, and I had laughed so hard my belly ached. I told them about what I was doing, the work at the theater, Lisa, and they both gushed about the fact that I was having sex with a biker. They kept asking about him, and I showed them the necklace.

“Oh my god!” Jens yelled. “Your biker has given you a pink diamond!”

“It’s not a diamond,” I laughed.

“Darling, I’m telling you, the babushka is far too good taste for him to put something that horrible next to it unless it’s a diamond.”

I rolled my eyes to Satomi—trust the gay to not know what bad taste straight guys could have—and she nodded understandingly.

“I saw that,” Jens said, still yelling, “and I’m telling you, it’s a diamond. Bet you anything.”

He made me take it off, so he could use it to make a small scratch on a mirror, claiming that was only possible if it was a diamond, but I still doubted it.

The next day, while they were working, I walked around New York, visiting my old favorite spots. Towards the afternoon I just did it, I went to the New York City Ballet. I sat outside and cried for fifteen minutes, and it took me another fifteen to calm down, and then I finally walked inside. It was like coming home, except it wasn’t my home anymore. They all welcomed me, and there were so many hugs and it was overwhelming—all of it. I spent the full afternoon there but left before the show. That would be too much. I’d also gotten used to the idea of seeing my first ballet since the accident with Mitch. I wanted that.

Both Jens and Satomi had Sunday off, so we had some wine on Saturday when they got home.

“Are you being careful?” Satomi asked when were talking about Mitch again. “I mean, using protection and so on.”

“Yes!”

“Good. I know we weren’t always before, but you should have a normal period now, so it’s much more likely that you’d get pregnant.”

Actually that hadn’t been the main reason why I had been insisting on a condom with Mitch, it was more the small detail about him being something of a manwhore, but Satomi was right. Ballet dancers were training so hard and had a body fat so low, it wasn’t uncommon that the periods disappeared, sometimes for months at a time. That was another thing I actually missed, because having one once a month was annoying.

And that’s when it hit me.

I hadn’t had my period, not since sometime around Thanksgiving, which was over two months ago.

My shock must have shown on my face, because both Satomi and Jens lowered their glasses and stared at me.

“Oh, my!” Jens finally said. “How long?”

“Two months.”

He took the wine glass from me. “Just in case.”

I nodded, and the three of us stared at each other. I couldn’t believe it! Sure, he’d half forgotten it once, but even though I knew there were sometimes early swimmers, it didn’t seem possible. We’d even skipped sex in the shower, since—

Except that one time, just after the picnic. I had completely forgotten about it. I hadn’t even thought about us not using protection that time.

Until now.

“Think she remembers it now,” Satomi said to Jens with a nod.

“Once!” I basically howled. “We forgot once! It’s not fair!”

“Maybe it’s nothing,” Jens tried, and then he sighed. “I’ll go to the all-night pharmacy down the street.”

So, he did, and he came back with five different types of test and until Sunday night, when I went home, I did them all. All five. And all five said the same thing.

I was pregnant.

Once again I had made a split second mistake. Okay, it was a bit longer than a split second, but it wasn’t that damn long. But still,
once
. We had been so careful and we had made
one
mistake, and I was possibly going to pay for it for the rest of my life. And
fine
it wasn’t the same as not ever being able to dance again, babies were... cute and so on, but I’d never pictured myself with children. And whatever shot Mitch and I had to get to know each other, me getting over other things and just...

I hadn’t allowed myself to really think about it fully, but the last month—or even two months—had been different between us. It had been good, and I had started to realize that no matter what Lisa had said, he wasn’t just being charming. He liked me. I was still trying to find my footing in my new life, and I think he was understood that, and he was giving me time while still being there. Not even mentioning I was starting to feel good about myself, at least when I was around him.

He might like kids, but liking them and having one of your own were two very different things. And getting pregnant after only three months of seeing each other was not a good way of getting closer to each other, either, so whatever chance we’d had, it was gone.

I also knew that there was no way in hell I’d be able to raise a kid by myself. If for no other reason than how this would send me into another spin. I knew nothing about babies. Kids had always been something I
might
do when my career was over, but never with a guy I had been casually fucking for a month and then had carefully tried something else with for another two months or so. And not once had I entertained the idea of having a child with an outlaw biker. Because I knew that was what he was; what they did was not all legal, I knew that without a doubt. Until now, I had managed to tell myself it didn’t matter, but bringing a kid into that life...

Either way, I couldn’t do this by myself, so I needed him. The way I saw it, there were two options. Either me being pregnant would send him running, which was the most likely, or he’d like it and want to be a part of it. If it was the latter, him being a part of it meant we needed to stay friends. If we tried a relationship, he’d be bored in a matter of months, start cheating, and we’d fight and it would all go down in spectacular flames. I needed him as a friend because I needed the two of us to work out. If he stuck around at all, that was. I was pretty sure telling him would end our sort-of relationship anyway.

I was in a state of panic the entire flight to Phoenix, and I still had a hard time breathing by the time I got home. Luckily Irina thought I was just tired after the weekend, and she left me alone. The panic didn’t leave me even once for the first week; I barely spoke to anyone and completely ignored my phone. By the end of the week, Irina demanded to know what was going on, and I told her while bawling. That was the first time I had cried about it, but since then I’d done that with disturbing frequency. As always she tried to see the bright side, and I loved her for it; it just didn’t work.

I had gone to an abortion clinic just to find out what my options were. It wasn’t scary, besides the people outside who screamed at me, but I just couldn’t. I was very pro-choice, but it was something else to make that choice. I didn’t blame those who did it, but I couldn’t. The people there were so nice, and said that there was time, and if I wasn’t sure I shouldn’t do it. So I went back home again.

I knew I had to tell Mitch about it sooner or later. I just had no idea whatsoever how to tell him, since I hadn’t been able to sort it out in my own head. I was scared, absolutely terrified, and his reaction was actually the least of my fears.

And now he was standing in my hallway, and he knew. I had no idea how he knew, but I didn’t even have to ask. He knew, and he did not look happy about it.

“Something you wanna tell me?” he eventually said.

“I was… going to. I just…”

“Before or after the abortion?”

“I’m not… How did you know? What the hell! Are you spying on me?”

“No! Mac saw you coming out of an abortion clinic in Phoenix. So you’re not having an abortion?”

“No,” I answered, and he looked about the same as I felt when I said it. Like he was trying to figure out if it was a good or a bad thing. “And I was going to tell you. I honestly just didn’t know how. I can’t even figure this out in my own head, but I want us to be friends, and I think I’d like it if you were a part of the baby’s life.”

“Friends?”

“I know I should’ve told you immediately. I probably messed this up royally, and I want us to work this out, but I can’t... Mitch, I can’t deal with all of it and this pregnancy really threw me off. I can’t lose you, and at the same time I can’t make another big commitment, and I understand what that means.” It meant that he was going to fuck other girls, possibly find someone he’d fall in love with and… all those things I’d started to hope would happen between us. “But at the moment, I need you as a friend, as someone who I know is going to be there to help me with this baby. I’m not single mom material.”

“Okay,” he mumbled. “I don’t think I’m mentally capable of… saying much at the moment.”

“Let’s go to the kitchen. Irina is at her boyfriend’s. She won’t be back until tomorrow morning, so we have time to talk.”

He nodded and followed me inside. I was still waiting for him to panic more than he already had. All I really wanted him to know was that having him in the baby’s life wasn’t something I was against in any way. I wouldn’t deny him that. I didn’t think for a second I would get away with doing it, I’d have an MC on my doorstep if I tried to keep a baby from them, but I didn’t want to. He was better than me with kids. In fact, the entire MC seemed like a family.

I gave him a beer and sat down opposite him.

“I’m sorry,” I finally said.

He shook his head. “It’s not just your fault.”

“I mean for not telling you—for panicking about it.”

“Okay.”

“How do you wanna do this?” I asked. “I mean do you
want
to be involved?”

“Yes,” he said, but he wasn’t looking at me. “I might need some time to get used to the thought, but I do.”

“What happened to your face?” I’d noticed it when he’d walked in, a cut in his eyebrow, and it looked as if was developing quite a black eye.

“My dad knocked me around a little.”

“What? Why?”

“Because of you.” He smiled. “He thought I was being dick.”

“I didn’t tell you I was pregnant, I stayed away for over a month, and that made you a dick?” I didn’t get it at all. “And he
hit
you?”

“Long story, and I kinda deserved it.”

“Is he going to hit me when I meet him next time?”

Mac laughed dryly. “No. He doesn’t hit women. Besides, he likes grandkids, and you’re giving him one.”

“So, is this you wanting to be involved, or are you just saying it so your dad won’t beat you up again?”

“No,” he said and shook his head, and this time he met my eyes. “I wanna be involved.”

“Do you think we can do this—as friends?”

“I don’t know, Anna, but we’ll figure it out. I guess. Not like we have a choice.”

“No.” I looked down at the table and my hands resting on it. After a deep breath I looked at him again.

“So how’s it doing?” he asked. “The sprout.”

“Sprout?” I asked with a smile. “It’s doing fine, so far. I have an appointment tomorrow.”

“Send me the bills. I’ll take care of them.”

“I like ‘Sprout.’ It’s a nice nickname for it.”

“Joshua was the Squid. Thought it was best to pick a new one for,” he cleared his throat, “this one.”

He drew his hand through his hair, and then emptied the beer bottle.

“Do you want to come with me to the appointments? I’ve been to one, and they say I’m about fifteen weeks along.”

“We could probably give them an exact date of conception,” he mumbled.

“I know.” I sighed. “The shower.”

“Sorry,” he smiled. “Just saying that we could. I didn’t mean to be an ass about it.”

I nodded. “I’m doing an ultrasound next month.”

“Yeah. I’ll go with you to that one.” He sighed and shook his head. “I’m sorry. This is a bit much right now, but I’ll come around eventually.”

“It’s okay. I’ve had time to get over it. Maybe you should take some time for it, too? I’m guessing that knocking up your fuck buddy wasn’t in your plans.”

“We weren’t fuck buddies. I’m fine with this friends idea, but don’t… It was more.”