Champagne Toast (23 page)

Kate notices my eyes on her and she gestures to me.  The guy turns his head and I can
’
t believe what I
’
m seeing. 

Shawn. 

Her ex. 

The guy she left for me. 

What the fuck is going on? 

My entire body tenses up and I
’
m ready to hurt someone.  My palms sweat and I ball them into fists before hopping off my barstool and walking towards my girlfriend and the loser I thought she dumped almost three years ago.  As I approach, Shawn starts to laugh, which only pisses me off more.

“
Something funny, dickhead?
”
I ask harshly.  My hands rest near my jeans and even though I look calm, I
’
m anything but.  My clenched fists are begging for a reason to attack.

“
Evan, stop it
.” 
I feel Kate
’
s hand rest against my bicep and it feels like a warning, like she
’
s telling me not to step any closer to the intruder standing in front of me.  She knows exactly what
’
s going through my head. 
“
He was just leaving.  Shawn, it
’
s time for you to go,
”
Kate snaps. 

“
Whatever you say,
sweetheart,
”
Shawn says, giving me a smug grin as he lightly touches Kate
’
s arm.  I want to punch him, but I feel Kate
’
s hand on my chest, pushing me away.  My eyes widen in shock.  If she
’
s protecting him, where the hell do her loyalties lie?  With
him
?  Shawn winks at Kate before walking towards the door.  He turns back to look at us once more before walking out the door.  Kate looks overwhelmed and slightly guilty and the look on her face crushes me. 
This can
’
t be happening.

“
Do you mind telling me what that was all about?
”
  I demand.

“
It was nothing,
”
she says dismissively as she brushes past me.
I grab her and glare at her, forcing her to return the eye contact.  She breathes in deeply before speaking,
“
He came by here to bother me. I told him to leave and that
’
s when you saw us.  That
’
s it, Evan, I promise.
”

“
No, that
’
s not it.  There
’
s more to it.  You two broke up years ago, Kate.  Why the hell is he showing up here now?  What aren
’
t you telling me?
”
I demand.  None of this is adding up, none of it.

“
Ev, calm down, you
’
re making a scene,
”
Kate snaps, dragging me by the arm.  She pulls me outside the bar, throws her jacket on and cups my cheeks in her hands.  I resist the urge to push her hands away.  I want to hear her out. I
need
to.
“
I still work here, ya know.  You can
’
t act like that, not where I work.
”

“
Fine, sorry, whatever.  Now, tell me what the hell he was doing here.
I
’
m losing my patience, Kate.  Things have been different lately.
You
’
ve been weird
.” 
I fling my hands towards the bar.
“
Is this why?  Is he the reason why you
’
ve been pulling away?
”

“
Pulling away?  Are you crazy? I
’
m just trying to be supportive of your new life.  I
’
m trying desperately not to lose you!
”
she screams before covering her mouth with her hand, closing her eyes tightly.  She
’
s holding back tears.

“
Sweets,
”
My demeanor softens a little as I see how much pain she
’s in.
“
T
alk to me,
”
I say firmly, enunciating each syllable.  Kate looks at me with soft, moist eyes.  When she looks at me like that, I lose my determination to stay pissed.  She has such power over me
,
it
’
s ridiculous.  Kate doesn
’
t cry often and when she does, it breaks me in two.  Something is different about this fight.  Something is different about Kate.  The thought alone runs chills down my spine.

“
I don
’
t know why he keeps coming around.  I really don
’
t, Ev.  He keeps telling me that he misses me and he wants me back.  He
’
s working in Evanston now at a restaurant a few blocks away.  He stopped in one night.
I guess he was curious to see if I was there.  And now he comes by constantly.  I ask him to go, but he won
’
t
.” 
My brain is all messed up and I have no idea what to believe.  I keep trying to look into her eyes, to find the answer I
’
m looking for.  But, Kate won
’
t look at me.  She keeps staring down at our feet, looking guilty.

“
Why haven
’
t you talked to me?  Or Vince?  You know Vince would kick his ass out, you just need to say the word.
”

“
I just keep hoping he
’
ll give up and move on,
”
she says, looking at the sidewalk.
“
Can we please go home now, Ev?  I just want this awful night to be over
.”
Her eyes are pleading with me to drop it.  I wrap my arm around her and we walk to the car in silence.

I want to believe her so badly, that nothing is going on and that Shawn is as unwelcome to Kate as he is to me.  But, something in the pit of my stomach tells me this is the beginning of
the end.

Kate

May 29, 2010

Maybe my mother is right about me.  Maybe I
am
a terrible investment, and Evan
’
s made the horrible mistake of investing himself in me.  Maybe I
’
m nothing but a self-saboteur who pushes away anything good that comes along in my life.  Evan
’
s been in Sacramento for eight excruciating days.  If I was ever curious
about
what life would be like without him, I now have my answer and I hope to never feel like this again.  But, I might not have a choice anymore.

For months, I
’
ve been a royal pain in the ass.  Evan
’
s been patient and charming, he
’
s been supportive and encouraging, he
’
s been
himself
.  He
’
s tried to get me to take myself seriously with my photography and all I do is reject any ideas he has, acting like I have no interest in pursuing a career in the one passion I
’
ve ever really had.  The truth is, I want nothing more than to get the hell out of Molly
’
s and start my business, to make a living off of the photos I take.  Do I want to shoot weddings and bar mitzvahs?  Not exactly.  But, I would love to do freelance work, to sell my pictures to magazines.  The point is: I
’
m too chicken shit to start it. Afraid of failure. Afraid of my mother being absolutely right about her screw up of a daughter.  I
’
m starting to believe her.  And the idea of Evan seeing me the way she sees me terrifies me to my very core.

The night Evan saw me talking with Shawn was the icing on the proverbial fucked up cake that is my life.  Deep down, I know Evan
’
s right about how I
’
ve been acting.  I
’
ve been keeping my options open because I
’
m terrified of losing him, of having him drift away from me.  Or of him meeting some stunning ad executive who rocks his world in a way I never could.  I
’
ve never been good enough for Evan, and the direction his life is taking will inevitably not include me in it.  Deep down, I know this.  It
’
s just a matter of time before he looks at his life with me and realizes it
’
s not what he wants, that I
’
m not what he wants.  And so, when Shawn kept stopping by
the bar, it was an ego boost —
I
’
m not gonna lie.  Yes, it makes me a terrible person because I really don
’
t care about Shawn at all.  Those feelings disappeared practically the moment Evan walked into Molly
’
s.  But, that insecure part of me doesn
’
t want to be left.  I want to do the leaving. 

But, that night in the bar with Shawn everything changed.  I saw the hurt in Evan
’
s eyes, and knowing I was
the source of that hurt was gut
wrenching.  It almost destroyed me.  I knew I didn
’
t reassure him enough that night because the guilt I felt was overwhelming.  I knew if I looked him in the eye, he
’
d know.  He
’
d know why it all happened that way, why Shawn was there and why I acted the way I did.  And he
’
d know he was right, that I was doing exactly what he thought I was doing
—
preparing for our inevitable demise
—
and keeping my options open. 
Like the cheater I am.

And now, I sit here several hours after having another awkward conversation with the man who owns every bit of my heart, dreading that I now have to pick my heart up off the floor, dust it off and go to Molly
’
s for another Saturday night shift.  Evan said he
’
ll be home on Monday morning and I
’
m scared to death to see him.  I
’
m not ready for
us
to be over, but I
’
m not sure I
’
m capable of convincing him of just how much I love him. And if I can
’
t do that, I
’
m afraid he might leave me.  And not just the way he left me at the bar months ago when I was flirting with Dave.  But,
really
leave me; walk out of my life and never turn back.  That is my biggest nightmare.

“
You look like death,
”
Bree says to me the moment I walk into the backroom of Molly
’
s.

“
Thanks.  You
’
re a peach
.” 
I shake my head at her while stuffing my things into my locker.

“
Sorry, I
’
ve just never seen you like this.  You
’
re edgier than normal, and you seem depressed since he left.  It
’
s just a business trip.  And it sounds like it
’
s the first of many, so you should probably get used to it.
”

“
It
’
s not just that, Bree.  Things are different lately
,
and I don
’
t know if I can fix them.  I think he might be slipping through my fingers.
”

“
Look, he
’
s a good guy and I
’
m sure you two will work it out
.” 
She says dismissively, opening up her locker door and slinging her purse over her shoulder. 

“
You
’
re not working tonight?
”
I ask, surprised.

“
Nope, if you
’
d been paying any attention this week, you
’
d know that Jon is taking me to see Lady Antebellum at the Allstate A
rena.  It was my Christmas gift,
remember?  And I
’
ve been talking about it for
days,
”
she snaps, her hand resting on her hip.