Change of Heart (18 page)

“So fucked up,” I said, shaking my head.

“I can tell you this much,” Shane said, meeting my eyes. “They did whatever they could to save him. They wouldn't have just let it happen. The men he was with, they would have been working like hell to help him.”

“Okay.” I swallowed hard.

“And he wasn't alone.”

“Okay.” I dropped my head down beside Arielle's and closed my eyes as my nose began to sting, remembering Henry as a six-year-old with missing bottom front teeth, yelling at us to not leave him behind as we ran to pick blackberries. Henry as an eleven-year-old, trying to hide in the bed of my truck when Alex and I were going out with a couple of girls from school. Henry sleeping on Katie's floor when we'd lost power for an entire week one winter. Henry asking Ani out over and over again, his fourteen-year-old chest puffed out as he tried to make himself seem bigger. Henry jumping on Trev's back and yelling at the top of his lungs as he tried to take him down, but failing because Trev was built like a shark and Henry was a minnow.

“You all right?” my mom asked, pulling me out of my memories as she set a gentle hand on the top of my head.

“Yeah,” I rasped, nodding.

“Love you, Abraham,” she said, leaning down to kiss my forehead. “Wish I could take this all away from you kids.”

“I'm a grown-up,” I argued halfheartedly.

“You're still my son,” she said, reaching out to take Arielle from my arms. “Now it's my turn to hold the princess. You've been hogging her.”

S
hit, Trev could carry the fucking thing by himself,” I growled in frustration, making everyone grow silent around me. My tone was scathing. I couldn't stop it. “Bram, Alex, Shane, and Trev can carry him; all this bullshit about pallbearers is stupid. You've got four. If you don't want the honor guard to do it, tell them no. The end.”

My hands shook as I set them in my lap, the silence growing heavier and heavier as I looked at the floor I was sitting on.

My nerves were fried.

It had been four days since we'd found out Henry was dead, and they were finally sending him home to be buried. We were supposed to go meet the airplane he was on—in the fucking cargo hold, no less—in just two hours, and I was about to lose my shit. I couldn't deal.

Arielle was doing fine. She didn't seem to notice or care about the extra attention she was getting from our family and was still sweet as sugar when it was time for her to sleep. No fussing or anything. Like she knew that I couldn't take it.

But Bram was in my bed each night. I'd let him in that first night because I didn't want to be alone, and I couldn't stand the thought of Bram being alone, either. Now that Alex was in town, I'd assumed that I'd be able to distance myself a bit.

I'd assumed wrong.

Bram was up in my space even more. He kept coming to my house, and I kept letting him in—because how could I not? I loved the jackass, and I knew he was hurting. I couldn't turn him away.

However, each time he rolled into me and wrapped an arm around my waist, I felt even more desperate for some space. I was holding on by a thread, barely making it through the hours I was awake without completely breaking down and sobbing my eyes out. There was shit to do, things to plan, people to see. The first week after a person dies is full of company and appointments and never having a moment to yourself.

I knew that.

When I went home at night though, I should have been able to shut all of that shit away and grieve. I couldn't do that. I couldn't do it with Bram's wary eyes meeting mine as I opened my front door to him over and over again. I couldn't do it when he shuddered against my back, practically trembling until he fell asleep every night. I couldn't do it when I woke up in the morning and he was in Arielle's room, changing her diaper and speaking softly to her about everything and nothing.

There was no time for me. And so, as I sat there on the floor, words had slipped past my lips without thought, and now I felt even worse.

“Jesus Christ, Ani,” Shane murmured tiredly.

I swallowed hard.

“That sounds fine to me,” Ellie said, her voice trembling. “You boys carried him around on your back for years, most of the time because he'd jumped up there trying to bug you. Makes sense you'd carry him now.”

My breath hitched.

“Anita,” Liz said, making my entire body tense, “kitchen.”

She climbed up from the couch and walked away as I pressed my hands against the floor, pushing myself up to follow her. I'd fucked up. When Ellie had gone on and on about not knowing who should fill the last two pallbearers' spots, I'd completely lost patience, and that was really shitty of me. I deserved anything Liz had to dish out and more.

“What's going on?” Liz asked sharply as I hit the kitchen.

“I'm sorry.”

“I didn't ask if you were sorry, and I wasn't looking for a damn apology. Now tell me what the hell is going on with you.”

“Nothing,” I sighed, running my fingers over my hair. “My nerves are just fried.”

“All of our nerves are fried.”

“I know—it's no excuse.”

“Go home, Ani.”

My eyes shot to hers, and I almost stumbled back from her words. She was kicking me out? My throat got so tight it felt like I couldn't breathe as my eyes began to fill with tears.

“You need sleep, baby,” she said gently as I stared at her in horror. Then she lifted a hand and ran it through my hair. “You need some time out of this house.”

“I'm fine.” I shook my head.

“No, you're not. Go home for a few hours. I'll keep Arielle here with the kids.”

“We have to go get Hen,” I argued stubbornly, chewing the inside of my cheek.

“Henry won't care if you're at the airport,” she said quietly. “But
I
care that you look like you haven't slept in a week.”

“But—”

“Anita Bonita,” she murmured, shutting me up. Only Henry used that nickname. Oh, God. My stomach turned. “Go home and get some rest. I'll have Danny drive you.”

I nodded as I braced myself on the table. Less than a minute later, Liz was walking Dan back into the room, his worried eyes on me.

“Come on, kiddo,” he said gruffly, wrapping an arm around my shoulders.

I walked back to the bedroom Arie was sleeping in and gave her a soft kiss on her forehead before grabbing my purse. She'd be fine there while I got my shit together. All the adults were going to get Hen that night, but a really nice lady named Heather that Ellie and Liz knew from some club was going to watch the kids at the house.

I walked out the door with Dan on my heels and dragged my weary body into his truck.

“Only two hours, okay?” I rasped as we reached my driveway. “Come get me on your way to pick up Hen.”

Dan looked like he was going to argue for a long moment, then finally gave me a small nod.

I nodded back, then climbed out of the truck as he rolled to a stop.

I didn't bother undressing, just took off my shoes and crawled between the sheets of my bed.

Then I finally let it all out. It started out as sniffles, a catch of breath, a hiccup, but soon I was sobbing so hard that my entire body jerked with each cry. I cried freely. Hard and loud. Then I fell into an exhausted sleep.

I woke with a start, looking around my bedroom blearily and wondering what had startled me awake. When I glanced at the clock, I cursed and scrambled out of my bed. When my feet hit the floor, I stumbled to the side, slamming my hip into my nightstand, knocking the lamp there onto the floor with a crash.

It was an hour past when we were supposed to leave to pick up Henry's body.

No one had come to get me.

My heart raced in panic as I ran to my dresser, pulling out the bottom drawer too far, making it fall to the floor. I ignored the mess and grabbed a pair of dark jeans, throwing them on the bed before I grabbed one of Henry's old boot camp shirts out of my pajama drawer. It was navy-blue mesh, with a little emblem in the chest, silky and shiny, and one of my favorites even though it was way too big for me.

Running into the bathroom, I screamed a little as I caught sight of my face and hair. I frantically wet my hair down and grabbed a beanie off the floor to cover it up, then swiped at my face to wipe off the tears pouring out of my eyes.

“Shit,” I sobbed, my beanie falling back to the floor as I stripped out of my clothes quickly. My hands were shaking as I panicked.

I was going to miss it. I wasn't going to be there.
Oh, God.

I was down to my bra and underwear, scrambling to pull on my jeans, when my name was called from the front door.

“Ani?” Bram asked in confusion, walking into the room as I lost my shit. I was sobbing by then and tripping as I tried to pull the jeans up my legs.

“Why didn't anyone wake me up?” I yelled shrilly. “I said to wake me up!”

My words were garbled with sobs.

“Baby, stop,” Bram ordered, hurrying toward me. “Stop!”

His arms wrapped around me tightly as I shook.

“You guys were supposed to come get me!” I screamed, slapping at his chest.

“I'm here,” he said, trying to soothe me. “I'm right here.”

“You were supposed to pick me up,” I sobbed, my entire body going limp. “Dan said—”

“The flight was delayed,” Bram said quietly, leaning his face down to mine. “We're leaving as soon as you're ready.”

My chest heaved as his words penetrated. I wasn't too late.

I cried in relief then. I couldn't stop it. I couldn't even try. I was so far gone that I could feel my eyes growing tight as they swelled with the force of my tears.

“Come on,” Bram whispered, letting go to grab the jeans at my thighs and pull them up my body, gently buttoning and zipping them as I held his shoulders for balance. “I wouldn't leave you.”

I wiped at my face as I tried to catch my breath, my chest aching with each spasm.

“This shirt?” he asked, reaching behind him for Henry's shirt lying on the bed. “I remember when he came home with this.”

He pulled it over my head and waited while I threaded my arms through the sleeves.

“Everything okay?” Katie asked, coming into the bedroom as Bram grabbed me some socks.

“I thought I'd slept through it,” I said achingly, meeting her eyes. “I thought I missed it.”

“Shit, Ani,” she murmured, coming farther into the room as Bram pushed me gently to the bed and lifted my foot. “I'm sorry. Once we heard the flight was delayed, me and Mom figured we'd give you a little extra time. We didn't want to wake you up if you were sleeping. Damn, your poor eyes.”

“Hey, baby,” Bram called quietly, kneeling at my feet. “Rain boots?”

I nodded as he reached up and gently ran his fingers down the side of my face.

“I remember that shirt,” Kate said softly as Bram left to get my boots. “He gave it to you after I told him he looked like a stripper.”

I gave a watery laugh as I glanced down at the T-shirt I was wearing. It had tiny holes throughout the mesh, making it look almost see-through. Good thing I'd be wearing a coat.

Bram carried my boots back in and helped me to my feet so I could step into them, then he held out my coat so I could slide it on.

“Ready?” he asked, handing me my beanie.

“No,” I said, pulling the hat on.

“Me either.”

“Amen,” Kate said, leading us out of the room.

Airport staff met us and led us to where a group of Marines wearing Dress Blues were waiting on the tarmac. They were reserved. Kind. Solemn. Respectful.

Quiet.

We didn't wait long before another Marine was coming down the steps from the tunnel connected to the door on the plane. His strides were long and purposeful, but he didn't seem to be hurrying. His gaze passed over us, his eyes pausing on Shane before he came to a stop.

“Good evening,” he murmured, glancing at each of us, like he wasn't sure who he should be talking to. “I'm Gunnery Sergeant Samuel Monroe. I have the privilege of escorting Staff Sergeant Harris home.”

Ellie sobbed once loudly, and Monroe's eyes immediately locked on her.

“Ma'am?” he asked, stepping in front of her.

“Thank you,” Ellie rasped out, reaching for Monroe's hands.

“It's an honor,” he said gently. “Henry was a good friend.”

My throat tightened as Bram's hand came up to wrap around the back of my neck.

“Do you have any questions?” Monroe asked gently.

“No.” Ellie shook her head, looking up at Mike.

“The chaplain explained it all,” Mike said gruffly.

Monroe nodded, then glanced at Shane, giving him a small nod, too.

“I'll be escorting Staff Sergeant Harris to the funeral home,” he said, his eyes going back to Ellie. “A Marine will stay with him at all times until we've laid him to rest.”

“He won't be alone,” Ellie said, almost under her breath.

“No, ma'am. He won't. I promise you that.”

He squeezed Ellie's hands once more, then stepped away from us as the honor guard went under the plane.

I held my breath.

A few moments later, his feet snapped together as the six Marines came back into sight, a flag-draped coffin carried between them.

Our Henry. There you are, friend.

I slapped my hands against my mouth as my knees began to buckle. Then Bram's arm came around my belly, holding me tight against his chest as we watched them carry Henry toward the waiting hearse.

Monroe was completely motionless as Marines stopped in front of him, then he raised his arm and saluted the coffin.

From what seemed like far away, I heard Katie give a small sob.

Then they slid Henry into the back of the hearse.

We followed the hearse back to the funeral home, but I don't remember much of the ride. Bram held me, I know that much. I wasn't sure if it was more for my benefit or his. Alex sat with his elbows resting on his knees, his seat belt pulling tight against his chest as he covered his face in his hands. And for the first time since I'd met Liz, I watched her slide across the bench seat in Dan's truck and ride home nestled against his side, her head on his shoulder.

“What's that?” I asked the next day, coming to a stop on the sidewalk in front of the church where Henry's funeral was held. Once we got him home, arrangements were in full swing. We weren't sure how long Shane would be able to stay, and Ellie and Liz didn't want there to be any chance that he or Alex would have to leave before we buried Hen. They deserved to say good-bye with the rest of us.

Arielle was asleep in my arms, a dark gray blanket wrapped around her purple dress. I hadn't been able to dress my baby girl in black. I just couldn't do it.

“It's the Patriot Guard,” Trevor said thickly, stopping beside Bram and me.

“Whoa,” I breathed as I looked down the row of motorcycles lined up around the block. “Did someone—”

“No, they just showed up,” Trev cut me off, running a hand down the tie hanging from his throat.

“Henry would dig that,” I said, looking over the men who were standing next to their bikes. “Oh, shit,” I breathed, leaning into Bram's hand at my back as the hearse pulled up.