Chasing Forever (18 page)

Chapter 27

Lucy

Being back with him in London was the best I could hope for. The first night, we barely had the chance to talk much since we both ended up indulging our carnal appetites. The second day was the same, and I was relieved that he opened a
little
about Amelia and the baby. He rehashed that last night with her and told me about their conversations. He even went on to say that he was hopeful after the ultrasound appointment. He told me a ton—and yet only brushing on the subjects that mattered most to me. But I didn’t want to push it since we barely just restarted again. Besides, I didn’t want to lay everything out there when I wasn’t fully sure where I stood with him. True he admitted that he wanted me to be happy. Said that he couldn’t get enough of me, missed me tremendously—yet none of them indicated any words of love…from a man deeply in love. They were words from a man who had a satisfying sex life…words from a lover. But still, I was optimistic, knowing that this was a great start for us.

We
had been happy for three days straight until he brought up a subject he kept pressing on me.

“Why won’t you move in with me? This house has four bedrooms. If you truly despise sharing a room with me
, then you’re more than welcome to have one of the three. You can do whatever you like—redecorate this entire place and make it into your own—I don’t care. I just have to sleep right next to you. Is that so much to ask?”

If I gave up my place, I would have no place to hide. No place to call my own. If the time came that he and I would part again, I wouldn’t have anywhere to go
other than my parents’ house.

“I’ll move some of my things if that makes you happy
, but I don’t think I can sell the flat, Toby.”

“Why not? You can use that money for something else—
invest it in a business. You don’t need to two homes. You can have this one with me.”

Why couldn’t he just drop it?

“That place
is
my home,” I emphasized. “Besides, I might need it for later use.”

“I see.” He studied me a moment, pensive.
When he did speak, I was caught off guard. “Okay. I won’t bring it up anymore. It’s about making you happy, isn’t it? Then I won’t push the subject any longer.”

I suppose
d this was part of his change? I liked that. “Thank you.”

He nodded, barely meeting me in the eye. “I’m going to make something for dinner. Anything you fancy in particular?”

“No, not really.”

He stepped closer before leaving a kiss on my forehead. “Okay, I’ll think of something.”

There was sadness in his eyes that wasn’t there before we started discussing about my flat. Despite that, I knew if I let things go his way, I wouldn’t have any power over this relationship. And for sanity’s sake, I needed some control.

It
had only been three days and I already saw the major changes in him. He was almost like the old Toby—almost. I still remembered the horrible side of him. It was awful, but I’d been waiting for it to resurface.

Thirty minutes later, I went downstairs to join him in the kitchen. “Do you need
help?”

“I’ve got it under control. Why don’t you take care of the wine?” he suggested with a strange look about him.

Taking the glasses out before choosing a red, I directed him a glance. “Chad called. He’s arriving this weekend and wants us all to be there at Blake’s house. Luke and the baby will be there, too.”

“Okay.”

I carefully placed the wine on the table, pausing. “You sure that’ll be okay?” I was afraid that it would be too much for him. After he’d lost his child, I wasn’t sure how he felt about children as a whole.

He directed me an odd look. “Why wouldn’t I be?”

“If you say so,” I murmured, pouring the contents in my glass before taking a quick sip of the crimson liquid.

“Should we tell them about us?” I wondered out loud.

He took a cloth to wipe his hands together before turning the fire off the stovetop. “Do you want to?”

“Should we?” I wasn’t sure why I was hesitating.
For some reason, I wasn’t sure what to do.

He strode over, hands in his pocket as he half sat on the table, facing me. “If it were up to me, I wouldn’t even have to question it.”

This showed how much I trusted him, and how strong we were as a couple. Even though I didn’t want to hurt his feelings, I felt the need to be forthcoming with my thoughts. Our friends saw everything unfold between us—they saw it all—the ugliness and the sadness. And as much as I adored them and wanted to share this new development with them all, I felt that I needed to be sure first, that this was going to be a permanent thing and not a momentary fleeting reconciliation, before announcing to my friends and family that I was back with him.

“Would it insult you if I asked you to keep it between us for a little while?”

“Whatever makes you happy.”

We had come to this. It was sad and disheartening to see us here. “I just want you to understand…”

He pulled me into his arms, slipping me in between his legs, before looking at me with such tenderness it almost broke my heart. “You don’t have to explain anything. It’s fine. As long as I have you, I’ll be okay.”

I hated how much we
were trying to work hard on getting back what we’d had.

“Toby, what if this
doesn’t work? What if we’re just deluding ourselves here? I love—
I love
being with you again, but maybe we made a mistake? Wouldn’t we be better off with other people? You can be with a woman who would be readily there for you and I could be with a man—” I had to stop myself before I went overboard and said more than I intended.

“You could go ahead and be with a man—
then what
, Lucy?”

A man that loved me.
A man that hadn’t been married and would only call me
his wife
. A man I could share a family with… a child. Toby wasn’t that man. I knew he wasn’t, and I would not
force
him to be one because he wanted me happy.

“It’s nothing
. I’m sure it’ll pass,” I bluffed, but his hold around my body only tightened, not letting go.

“You want to be with someone else?” he questioned, probing into my eyes. When I didn’t respond, he went on, “Is it Troy?
Do you want to be with him again?”

“I dated him.” My heart was filled with bad things
; it was time I unloaded a little of the lies I had deceptively let him believe. “Nothing came out of it except for friendship. And he’s a great friend that I can always count on. I haven’t dated since then… nor did I sleep with anyone since you…”

“Since Rome?”

I shook my head, smiling sadly. “Since we broke up. I tried. I even went to go as far as wanting to seduce Clive Barrington—”

He was ready to combust. “Tell me he didn’t touch a s
ingle—”

Licking my lips, my eyes met his stormy ones. “He didn’t
. He gently declined my advances, but… that was after I kissed him.”

“You kissed Clive?”
he screeched, letting go of me as he paced around the kitchen before he stopped, looking beyond hurt. “It feels like you told me you kissed Blake. What if I told you I made out with Sienna? You just don’t come after my friends, Lucy—that’s just wrong.”

“This was after I found out you got her pregnant. I was hurting so much that night and wanted to drown in alcohol
. Clive just happened to be there. If he wasn’t there, I’m sure I would’ve found someone else to have sex with.” Remembering it brought a dull ache inside my chest. “I couldn’t even bring myself to
think
of letting a guy touch me. How did you think I felt when I knew you were screwing women day in and day out? And when the news of you expecting your first child…”

His face fell, gripping the side of his head. “You left me, Lucy
. How was I supposed to know any of this?”

I wasn’t sure. “I was naïve to think that our love was different, that it was special enough—even though we were apart
. I expected you to fix your family problems and come back to me when everything was fine again. That’s why I had waited… because I wasn’t sure how long it would take you to accomplish that.
I waited…
I waited for you.”

“Luce
, I don’t know what to say—”

I shook my head, grabbing hold of my wine. “Don’t say anything. It’s the past,
isn’t it?”

In one go, I emptied the contents. “Should we start dinner?”

Perplexed and apoplectic, he opened his mouth for a minute.
“You want dinner?”

No, I wanted a do-over.

“I never thought I’d say this, but if you want to be free, I would step back. Though reluctantly, I would. As I said before, I just want you to be happy.”

Everything around me disappeared as I met his gaze. “What do you mean?”
eerily, I whispered.

“Just keep that in mind, if that day ever comes…”

I was at a loss. “And you’re fine with this?”

“I know how it feels to live with regrets. Hoping you can take back time and wish
ing things were done differently. I don’t want that to happen to you.”

He
was referencing them, wasn’t he? He had said I would come first, and he’d meant that. It was sad to realize where I truly stood with him.

“Thank you. I’m sure this will come
in handy very soon.” My sarcasm couldn’t be hidden, yet he didn’t even try to argue with it.

I gave him a quick glance before leaving him in the kitchen, heading upstairs. Once in the bedroom, I went straight to the closet, picking out the first black dress I saw, placing it on the chaise lounge before I started to undress myself. I was calm,
composed, however I was going bat-shit crazy inside.

Naked, I carefully chose my underwear
, matching it with the black lace garter belt, before slipping on pointy-toe pump shoes. Eyeing myself sideways, I was glad to see my swimming had made a difference to my body. My curves looked more defined and my breasts seemed bigger, perkier than before. Now, off to browsing for a bra to match.

I
had barely plucked the see-through mesh when I saw his figure, watching me. Expressionless.

“Heading somewhere?”

“Yup.”

He stepped into the closet, picking up the dress with curiosity, shifting it from side to side. “Mind telling me where?”

“Dancing.”

“You’re going to dance with a garter belt on?”

Ha. “Sure.”

“If you’re angry
, I’m here. You can talk to me. You don’t have to go out dressed like—Luce, don’t do this.”

I spun around to face
him, catching his blatant gaze at my breasts. “You want another man to touch these, don’t you?” I asked him.

“Fuck no—”

“Memorize me—my body—and imagine me writhing underneath someone else, enjoying everything he’s doing to me while I slowly forget how it feels to have you inside me.”

His nose flared, fury roaring in waves
so strong I could feel it seeping out of his pores.

“That’s what you want, right? Good. I don’t want to have regrets
, either.” I reached out to get my dress from his hand, but he moved it away. “Give me that.”

“You love driving me crazy, don’t you?” he growled, throwing the dress to the other side of the closet
. Just when I was about to run to get it off the floor, I was pushed back against the full length mirror before he angrily parted my legs and hooked his fingers on the crotch of my thong then ripped it in two.

I barely had the time to blink before I felt his cock impaling me, seating himself all the way in. I could
practically feel him all the way in my stomach.

“Memorize this cock
, my dear Lucy.” He fucked me against the mirror while I hung on to him, opening my body to welcome more of his lashing. “Memorize it well. Because, once you leave, you will always come back begging for it. No man will compare.”

God, my pussy started to contract. I shouldn’t be turned on
, but his dominating side had gotten me beyond wet and horny.

“You didn’t let anyone fuck this glorious cunt and you never will.” His hands gripped my breasts as he fucked me harder. “This. Is. My.
Cunt, Lucy. It’s always been fucking mine.”

“No
. I will prove you wrong,” I stuttered, hating and loving him at the same time.

He immediately stopped, looking at me like a wild animal being provoked and ready to attack. “Liar
. You won’t even have the guts to do it.”

“We shall see.”

His hand gripped my chin while I felt him pulse inside me, barely containing his rage. “Stop. Lying.”

I wasn’t sure where this was
heading, however his anger and jealousy had brought something out of me. “How can you tell I’m lying?” I taunted him.