Chat Love (31 page)

I grab my purse. “Yes, you did; you told me that your name was Jack,” I explain.

His jaw clenches and I can see that he’s getting frustrated now as well. “You did the same thing; you told me that your name was Pia!”

“Yes, but Pia is actually my middle name,” I argue.

“OK, but what about your picture?” he asks. “You used a picture that looks nothing like you. I would’ve known that it was you sooner if you would have chosen a more recent photo!”

I take a step away from him. “I see; you wanted to go out with a blonde.”

He groans. “You know that I don’t give a rat’s ass what color your hair is. I was only trying to meet someone that would help me learn to love again, and I met you.”

I feel tears threatening to fall and I look up at the ceiling in an attempt to will them away, “Jackson, you don’t understand what I’ve been going through lately. I was trying to choose between you and Jack when I’d developed feelings for both of you, and it was one of the hardest decisions I’ve ever had to make. I just wasn’t expecting things to be like this,” I explain.

He comes closer to me, “I know, and I’m sorry for not telling you sooner. I thought you’d be happy, because I was relieved to find out that you were Pia.”

My heart is happy but my mind continues to feel betrayed. My conflicting thoughts must be showing on my face because Jackson takes my hand and says in a low voice, “Lucia, don’t think.” He places my hand on his chest over his heart. “I’m ready to be yours.”

The feel of his heart beating breaks my strength and my tears begin to fall. I shake my head, unable to breathe. “I’m sorry, but I can’t,” I say as I pull my hand back. I turn and run away; away from Jackson, away from heartbreak, and away from potential love.

As I exit the restaurant and emerge into the cool city air, I take a deep breath and try to calm myself. I hear the door open behind me and Jackson’s hands grab my shoulders, turning me around to face him.

“Lucia, why are you running away? Why are you making this seem like it’s a bad thing? I want you,” he says emphatically.

I shake my head. “But you wanted Pia first; you wanted someone else.”

“I may have thought that, but all along it was really you that I wanted, Lucia.”

I keep shaking my head. “No,” I say through my tears.

Jackson grabs my face with his hands and holds it still. “Can you just shut your mouth for one minute?” he asks, leaning in to kiss me with passionate intensity. He pulls me in closer, and everything I’ve ever felt returns as electricity ignites our embrace. He pulls away and looks at me, his eyes sparkling.

“Love, I didn’t think that I would ever meet anyone; I thought that I would be alone with Ginger forever, but you came into my life and nothing has been the same since. When I kiss you, my heart stops beating and I feel things that I’ve never felt before, not even when I was with Lisa. I know that you feel it too.”

More tears fall from my eyes as he says all of the things I’ve always wanted to hear. I’ve wanted him for months, and he’s finally admitting that he wants me too. I know about his past, and I know how cold he can be with women, but somehow I know that he’s not going to be that way with me.

I clear my throat, “I do, Jackson; I feel the same way. But I’m just not sure if I should be feeling those things for you.”

He backs away from me. “Because of my past?”

I nod. “I’m scared of having my heart broken again. I don’t know if I can trust you to take care of it.”

He pleads, “Love, the last thing that I want to do is hurt you. Please, give me a chance. I know that I’m ready now.”

“I need time to think about this,” I answer.

His face falls and his shoulders slump as his eyes lose their brightness. “OK,” he says, “I’ll try to wait for you.”

His words make me shiver, and I watch as he walks away, staring at the ground.

I somehow make it to my apartment without falling apart, and then walk down the hall to Autumn’s room; I need my friend’s support right now. Not thinking to knock, I open the door to find Wayne and Autumn having sex. I scream, and the two of them freeze, turning to look at me.

“I’m so sorry,” I blurt out, turning several shades of red. I shut the door and lean against the wall, more confused now than I’ve ever been.

Soon after my uncomfortable mishap, I am crying in my bed. My hair is still wet from a shower, and I hear a light knock on the door as I sob into my pillow. Autumn slowly enters, wearing a purple robe and slippers.

“I’m really sorry for interrupting you two earlier,” I say, not even mentioning the fact that it had been Wayne she was sleeping with at the time.

Autumn waves her hand in dismissal. “Everyone was going to find out eventually, anyway. I’m more concerned about you right now. What’s wrong?”

“Jack and Jackson are the same person,” I say.

Her eyes widen as she realizes what I mean. “Wow,” she says, shaking her head. “OK, I’m going to need to make us some drinks.”

An hour later, Autumn, Wayne, Danni, and Ian are all seated in our living room. I’ve been polishing off one alcoholic drink after another, and I’m feeling pretty relaxed. After I’d told my story about finding out that Jackson was Jack my friends had all been speechless.

Danni puts down her drink and says, “I’m sorry to distract from your situation, Lu, but I’m still surprised that Wayne is Autumn’s mystery lover.”

Wayne grabs Autumn’s hand and says, “I’m not just some lover, Danni. We’re actually in a relationship, you know.”

Autumn smiles at him and I narrow my eyes at them, jealous of their happiness.

“So that means that everybody is paired off with somebody else,” Ian says with a grin, forgetting about me. Danni casts him a frown and he quickly corrects himself. “Well, everybody has at least found someone that they like.”

I blurt out, “Everyone but me! You’ve all found someone on Chat Love, and I’m still left here alone, crying into a glass of wine. It’s not fair; I’m the one who wants to find love more than anybody else!”

Autumn corrects me. “Lu, you did find someone, but you’re not willing to give them a chance. You won’t allow yourself to be loved.”

“That’s not it at all,” I argue. “What he did was shady, and it wasn’t fair to me.”

Autumn replies, “Did you ever think that maybe he was nervous, too? Especially if he likes you as much as he said he does.”

Danni chimes in. “I agree with Autumn. Lu, if you like him then stop fighting it and go for it. The opportunity is right in front of you.”

“I don’t want to talk about this anymore,” I say, raising my glass. “I just want a refill.”

For the past two weeks, I have been avoiding Jackson. He has been sending me flowers and leaving me messages in an attempt to convince me to talk to him, but I’ve been refusing. I try to keep distance between us at work, even though he tries to find every opportunity to talk to me. I just can’t seem to forget that he had known that I was his mystery woman and chosen not to tell me. He keeps telling me that he wasn’t playing games and that he’s fallen for me, but I’m just not sure what to believe.

These past few months have revealed a different side of Jackson, and I’ve learned that even he has experienced heartbreak. In just a few weeks, I had fallen for both Jackson and Jack, and I’m still having difficulty accepting that they’re one and the same. Half of me wants to believe that Jackson is telling the truth about his feelings for me, but my other half continues to doubt his every word.

At work, everyone can sense the tension between us, and Caitlin couldn’t be happier with the drastic change in our behavior. She flirts with Jackson constantly, but he ignores her advances.

Skyler thinks that I’m an idiot for not giving Jackson a chance, even though I continue to remind her about his deception. She can’t believe that I’m turning my back on potential love, regardless of my reasons for doing so. I’m more confused than I’ve ever been in my life, and my heart, brain, and friends are all telling me different things.

Work has been especially stressful because it’s difficult being so close to Jackson while still remaining emotionally distant. He only adds to the challenge by sending me flowers and messages at home as well; I can’t escape the situation, even in my dreams. Jackson haunts my every moment and thought.

Although I would normally dread my high school reunion, I’m actually thankful for the distraction. My friends have tried to take me out in an attempt to free me from my thoughts, but something always reminds me of Jackson anyway. It seems that he is everywhere, always waiting to pop into my mind again. At home, Autumn has taken down the painting that Jackson gave me, but I’m still reminded of him when I see the empty spot on the wall.

The reunion is tonight and I am sharing a limo with Ian, Danni, Autumn, Wayne, Corey, and Sandy. Once again, I am the only person without a date, but I try to focus on enjoying the ride. We had decided to hire a limo in order to make it feel as though we were going to prom again, and we’d all dressed accordingly, with all the women in dresses and the men in suits. Looking around at my friends, I’m already reminded of Jackson as I remember how nice he had looked in a suit at Skyler’s wedding.

I feel something hit me in the head and fall into my lap, and I look down to see a balled-up napkin. I look up and see everyone staring at me.

Danni says, “Lu, we’ve been trying to get your attention for the past five minutes. Are you OK?”

I feel my face flush with embarrassment. “Yeah, I’m fine. Sorry.”

Ian hands me a glass of champagne and we all toast to memories. I take a large sip, wishing that I could shake certain memories of Jackson from my mind.

Corey leans over to me and whispers, “Lucia, you have got to get your mind off of that asshole, OK? You’re depressing us all!” I turn and give him a frown, wishing that he could understand just how upset I actually am.

“Lucia?” I hear a timid voice call my name and I turn to see Sandy giving me a small smile. I know we don’t know each other very well, but may I ask you a personal question?”

I nod reluctantly.

“Did you have a crush on anybody when you were in high school?” she asks.

“I guess that you could say I was dating my crush,” I say, wondering what she’s getting at.

“Well, then I have a suggestion for you. I think that you should find him at the reunion and go have wild sex with him. It’ll help to take your mind off of that other guy.” I just look at her, not quite sure how to respond.

Sandy is a very polite woman, and I just can’t understand how she and Corey get along so well. Corey enjoys sex, and he enjoys having it frequently. I know for a fact that he can be wild and kinky, and Sandy seems to be very conservative despite what others have told me. According to my friends, however, she’s a lady in public but a whore in private, making her Corey’s perfect woman.

Corey looks at Sandy with adoring eyes and says, “Baby, you’re so intelligent. That’s a great idea!” She blushes and hides her head in the crook of his neck, whispering something into his ear that makes him grin excitedly.

I look at Sandy and thank her for her suggestion, politely informing her that Matt is now married and is therefore off-limits. She pulls away from Corey and grins. “Who says that he’s off limits? Maybe you guys could have a threesome; that’d
really
distract you from your worries.”

Autumn coughs, nearly spitting out her champagne as I shake my head. Meanwhile, Sandy winks at me as Corey nibbles her ear, obviously turned on by her boldness.

I reply, “I’m not really that wild, and I also haven’t spoken to Matt in years, so I have a feeling that it might be a bit awkward for everyone involved.” Sandy laughs and shrugs her shoulders.

As I watch the couples interacting around me, I can’t help but wonder what Jackson and I would be like if he were here with me. Would he be rubbing my back, kissing my neck, or even just holding my hand like everyone else here? I feel the familiar sting of heartbreak and quiet it by taking a large gulp of champagne.

I hear Danni and Ian laughing loudly and I lean toward them, trying to listen to their conversation. The two of them are excitedly chattering about which of our high school classmates have gotten “fatter, uglier, or more pathetic.” As Danni says that she bets one particularly awful girl, Helen Longo, became all three, Wayne and Ian laugh. Autumn glares at Wayne and he quickly quiets down, putting his arm around her shoulders.

Autumn chimes in, “I don’t like this game. It’s mean, cruel, and rude. Did you only come to the reunion to make fun of old classmates?” she asks Danni, a grumpy expression on her face.

Ian and Danni look at one another for a moment, and then both burst out laughing as they turn back to Autumn, nodding.

“Autumn, you don’t understand,” begins Danni, “most of the girls at our school were complete bitches to Lu and I during senior year. They thought that it was fun to tease us for being Italian.” She looks to me for support and I just roll my eyes, already tired of reminiscing.

Autumn frowns.

“Well, I still think you’re being mean,” she says, addressing both Danni and Ian.

“No, honey,” Danni replies, “we’re just being honest.”

After the limo drops us off, I follow my friends into the same reception hall that we’d danced in at our prom. However, I’m no longer met with young faces and prom dresses. Instead, I’m greeted by a collection of adults, most of whom I no longer recognize. Balloons, streamers, and pictures decorate the room, and I feel a rush of emotions as I remember all of my high school experiences.

Danni grabs my arm excitedly. “I was totally right about Helen Longo,” she says, nodding in the direction of a larger woman wearing a tight dress. “Look at the size of her ass! Come on, let’s go say hello.”

She drags me over to where Helen is standing and we awkwardly say hello. Danni is being incredibly fake, and I try my best to remain silent, not wanting to hurt Helen’s feelings.

Of course, Helen only adds to the superficial exchange by offering a showy hug to both Danni and I. I can’t help but roll my eyes as I listen to the two of them discussing their lives, each trying to outdo the other as they brag. As they compare careers, houses, and salaries, I can tell that Danni is growing more competitive. Finally, she decides to pull out all the stops.