Checkmate (20 page)

'I'll do it,' said Sonny. He stepped forward, pulled my hands down to my sides and pulled the zip down before I could draw breath to tell him not to bother.

I spun away from him. 'Thanks. I can take it from here. Could you shut the door on your way out?'

I turned my head to watch him leave. Leave the room. Leave my life. But when Sonny did move, it wasn't towards the door. I was in his arms and we were kissing like our lives depended on it. Sonny's arms were wrapped round me and his hands moved up and down my bare back, burning into my skin.

'I've missed you so much,' Sonny breathed against my cheek.

'I'm so sorry for how I treated you, Sonny. You don't know how many times I've picked up the phone

And then we were kissing again like the last two people on earth. I poured all the longing and loneliness and love I had in me into that kiss. He had me burning and fizzing like a firework.

But then the door opened and in walked Nathan, closely followed by Sherona. I pulled away from Sonny, but not before our uninvited guests saw us. And my ridiculous fantasy of Sonny and me was blasted away like spring snow in a furnace.

'Rose, can I talk to you for a moment?' asked Mum.

I looked up from my homework. 'Yes, Mum?'

'I need to talk to you about something.'

'What?'

Mum chewed on her bottom lip. 'It's about. . . your dad.'

I put down my pen. Mum now had my full attention. 'Yes, Mum?'

'Your dad . . .' Mum sighed. 'Your dad loved you very much.'

Was that all? 'Yes, I know, Mum. You've already told me.'

'I just didn't want you to forget, that's all,' said Mum. 'Back to your homework.'

I didn't need to be told twice. All that build-up to tell me something I already knew. Honestly!

Here she comes. Look at her! She's actually pleased to see me. Got her brains from her mother's side of the family obviously. And meeting up like this at the cinema was a stroke of genius, even if I do say so myself. The brat has been blathering on about this film for the last month and how her mum won't let her see it because of its fifteen certificate. So naturally I said I'd take her.

Our secret, of course.

If the film was some nonsense love story then I wouldn't've bothered, but this film has violence rather than sex as its main ingredient. Perfect. I'm going to start taking her to a number of these, to show her what the world is really like. Good old Uncle Jude, who'll let Callie do all the things her mum won't allow. And a few others her mother never even thought of. How old is the brat now? Twelve? Thirteen? Plenty old enough to learn a few facts of life. Anyone for a game of corruption? I hate to brag, but I'm a grand master.

Standing in this queue is fraying my nerves though. Morgan has arranged backup at a discreet distance further down the line, but even so I'm not keen on standing out in the open like this. Not in my line of work. And my profile hasn't exactly diminished in any way. I'm working my way up the government's most wanted hit parade, not down.

'Hi, Uncle.'

'Hello, Callie Rose. How're you?'

'Fine,' Callie smiled. 'Thanks for doing this. I really appreciate it.'

'You can show your appreciation by not telling anyone what we're doing.'

'I won't.' Callie Rose worried the corner of her bottom lip. I'd seen that gesture too many times before not to know what was coming. 'When are we going to tell Mum about you?'

I made up a deep sigh. 'You know how tricky it is, Callie Rose. And you only know a fraction of the things that happened in the past.'

'Well, why don't you tell me the rest then, Uncle?'

'It's for your mother to tell you, not me.'

'But you—'

'I know,' I interrupted. 'I've told you not to ask her, but you've got to see it from my point of view. I'm in an invidious position, Callie. Anything I say about the past could make things considerably worse.'

'You're talking like a cryptic crossword,' Callie sighed. 'Again!'

'I'm a grown-up, that's my job.'

'Uncle Jude! You made a joke! That's not like you!' Callie said incredulously.

I almost laughed. Almost. But I caught myself in time. I wouldn't let this girl get under my skin. I let a Cross get under my skin once before, just once, and it almost cost me everything I was and everything I knew.

That'd never happen again.

'Don't you like my mum, Uncle Jude?'

'It's not that . . . It's just that I think I'd respect her more if she told you the truth,' I said, selecting my words with overt care.

'The truth about what?'

'I've said too much.' I shook my head.

'Oh, Uncle. I wish you wouldn't do that,' said Callie. 'It's really frustrating.'

'You just have to trust that when the time is right, you'll know all there is to know,' I said. 'Now let's go in and see the film. D'you want to have something to eat with me afterwards?'

'I'd better not. I told Nana Meggie I was popping round to Nikki's house and I'd be back before dinner,' said Callie. 'If I'm late she'll get very cross with me.'

'You mean she'll clear her throat
twice!'
I said wryly.

'She's a lot more strict than that,' Callie laughed.

'Not with you. Not from what you've told me over the last year,' I said. 'Besides, my mum

'What?'

'My mum will do whatever she can to protect you, even if it means shielding you from the truth.'

'Is the truth bad?'

'No, Callie. The truth will set you free
–
when you're old enough to handle it.

A little seed here. A dash of water there. Just enough to keep suspicion and doubt alive and modestly thriving until they could be nurtured into something far more spectacular.

'Callie Rose,' I said in all seriousness, 'I want you to know that I'll never lie to you. If you ask me something I don't want to answer, then I won't. But I won't lie. You can trust me. OK?'

'OK, Uncle.'

A little seed here. A splash of water there.

We went into the cinema.

'Excuse me . . .'

The older girls barged past me, spinning me around as they went. I turned and tried to ask two passing boys where SC12 was. They completely ignored me. My second day at Heathcroft High was shaping up to be worse than the first. The school was huge and busy and I felt like I was drowning in this unknown sea of faces.

'Hiya, Rose.'

'Oh hello, Lucas.' Lucas Cheshie and two of his mates stood in front of me. And I've never been so happy to see anyone in my life.

'You look lost,' said Lucas.

Was it so pathetically obvious?

'I was trying to find Room SC12.'

'That's in the science block. The quickest way is to cut across the quad and head for that grey and green building over there,' said Lucas, pointing through the window beside us. 'SC12 is on the first floor of that building. Didn't you get your school map?'

I wasn't about to tell him that Ella, his cow of a sister, had seen me looking at it on our first day at school and had snatched it from me and torn it up right in front of my nose.

'I must've mislaid it.' I shrugged.

'Hang on,' said Lucas.

I watched as he slid his rucksack off his back and started rummaging through it.

'Lucas, we're going to be late,' one of his friends protested.

The boy on the other side of him frowned as he looked from Lucas to me and back again. Ignoring him, Lucas drew a crumpled and disgusting-looking piece of paper out of his bag.

'There you go,' he said. 'You can have mine.'

'Thanks,' I said, taking the map carefully between my thumb and index finger. 'That's very kind of you.'

'That's very kind of you,'
Lucas's friend mimicked.

My face started to burn.

'Shut up,' Lucas hissed at his friend. Then he turned to me and smiled. 'Hope the map helps.'

And with that, he walked off. I was left watching him, wondering why he'd bothered to help me.

'Can I get you a drink?'

I smiled at the nought waiter before giving the menu one last glance. Even though I was ready to order, I didn't say so.

'Yes, er . . . can I have a cup of tea please.'

'Peppermint, camomile, jasmine green or breakfast?' asked the waiter.

'Er . . . breakfast please.'

'Certainly.'

'Thank you so much.'

I looked down at the menu again, even though I knew what I wanted. Eating out wasn't a comfortable experience for me. I still remembered when we noughts weren't allowed in places like this. It wasn't too many years ago when we weren't welcome in any Cross restaurants. So it was a case of get a take-away meal or pack up a load of food from home, especially if we were visiting relatives who lived more than a couple of hours' drive away. There was no such thing as stopping off at a restaurant or café for a meal along the way. And now here I was in The Garden
Experience, one of the best restaurants in the Dundale Shopping Centre in town, but I found it hard to look at my surroundings or catch anyone's eye. I guess I was too apprehensive about meeting stares of disapproval. My husband Ryan always used to say I cared too much about what other people thought. And he was right.

So what if some of the other customers didn't like me being in the same restaurant as them? That was their problem, not mine. I took a deep breath and forced myself to look around quickly. No one was looking at me. At least, I don't think anyone was. My quick glance around hadn't rested in any one place long enough for me to be sure. How foolish was that?

Let go of the past, Meggie. That was then and this is now.

But letting go of the past was easier said than done when it stuck to my head and my heart like superglue. I was better now than I used to be though. Some people didn't give me enough credit for that. Some people couldn't see how hard I was trying to move forward. The place was filled with late-night shoppers or those who'd just come out of, or who were about to go into, the multiplex cinema. I was quite hungry but I decided a light dinner would be best. That way, I wouldn't have to stay too long.

'Hello.'

I looked up at the man who'd just spoken. His appearance made me start. I stared, trying to take in the changes. His hair colour had changed from the last time I saw him. He was almost blond now and he'd dyed his eyebrows to match. He wore glasses, which was also different. He was still very muscular, almost thick-set. No doubt he was still boxing and working out.

'Hello, son,' I said quietly.

Jude sat down, his eyes darting around restlessly. He reminded me of a hunted animal.

'Did you—?'

'Yes. I took two buses and a taxi,' I interrupted. 'I wasn't followed.'

We had this same conversation every time we met. Why did I bother to do this? Jude and I met irregularly, about three or four times a year, sometimes more, often less. Jude was still a wanted man. And every time I met up with him, he broke my heart.

'How are you?'

I shrugged. 'I'm fine.'

'Still living with the enemy?'

'Don't start, Jude,' I sighed.

'Is she never going to move out of your house?'

'I don't want her to go. I'd miss her and my granddaughter too much.'

' Granddaughter?'

'Yes, your niece. The daughter of your brother—'

'Let's change the subject,' Jude said abruptly.

'What d'you want to talk about?'

'D'you need anything? Money?'

'No, I'm fine.'

'Living off that woman's money,' said Jude bitterly.

'I work, Jude. Sephy helps out with some of the bills but I don't expect her to do it all.'

'If you got rid of her, I'd pay your bills for you.'

'I don't want you to,' I said bluntly.

'So you're happy to take her money, but not mine.'

'Hers isn't covered in blood.'

'I work in admin, I told you,' said Jude.

'But you work for the
L.M.
'

Jude sat back in his chair, regarding me steadily. I was aware of my own heartbeat, pounding ever faster as my son sat and watched me. Jude opened his mouth to speak, just as the waiter appeared with my tea.

'Ready to order?' asked the waiter cheerfully.

'Yes, thank you. I'll have the chicken salad.'

'Anything to start?'

'No, thank you.'

The waiter turned to Jude. 'Anything for you, sir?'

'No, thank you.'

'Can I get you a drink?'

'Don't your ears work? I said no.'

'Jude,' I admonished.

'Very good, sir,' said the waiter, his smile wavering.

As he walked off, I said to my son, 'There was no need to be so rude.'

'Don't use my name in public, Mum,' Jude said softly. 'I've told you before.'

'So what should I call you?' I asked. 'Jude is your name. Your dad picked it out especially.'

'Are you so anxious to see me hang?' asked Jude.

Ah, there they were. Words to squeeze my heart. And it had taken no time at all for them to be uttered. Less than five minutes.

'You think seeing one son hanged wasn't enough?'

Jude had the grace to look away, however briefly.

'Sorry, Mum.'

My heart still felt like it was being pinched. Jude slid a padded envelope towards me.

'Please take it. I want to help,' he said.

So I picked it up and put it in my handbag – the way I always did. And the envelope would find its way, unopened, onto the church collection plate – the way it always did.

'You look tired,' said Jude after a long moment's silence.

'I am tired,' I agreed. 'If you hadn't phoned me to arrange this meeting, I would've stayed in bed today.'

'You should've said.'

'You're my son, Jude, and I love you. I'm not going to pass up the chance to see you,' I told him.

Jude looked away, almost embarrassed. At least, that's what it looked like to me. He was so uncomfortable with any word or sign of affection from me.

'D'you have anyone, Jude?'

'That again.' Jude sighed with impatience.

'It's a simple question.'

'No, Mum. There's no one. I'm too busy.'

'Too busy to share your life with someone? Too busy to have someone care about you? And I would love more grandchildren.'

Jude didn't answer.

'You're too busy doing what?'

Jude looked me straight in the eyes, his lips a thin line. I had my answer. Jude's life was entwined with his one and only love
–
the Liberation Militia. No one else could even compete.

'Callie Rose is at secondary school now, isn't she?' asked Jude.

'Yes,' I smiled. 'She's been there two terms now. It took her a while to settle in but now she's . . .'

Jude leaned forward, intent on my every word. The restaurant suddenly became very hot. When did it get this hot? Why on earth didn't they turn the heating down?

Wary, I licked my lips. 'Why the sudden interest?'

'Like you said, Mum, she is my niece,' said Jude.

Very carefully, I rested my hands on my lap, right hand on top of my left. And there was no sound in the restaurant except my breathing. I looked around. I could see other people, chatting, laughing; one Cross woman was even leaning across the table to kiss the man opposite. But no sound. I watched them all. In slow motion the Cross woman turned to smile. She caught me watching and smiled happily at me. Then all the noise and bustle of the place descended like a rain of bricks over me. It made my head ache.

'Jude, stay away from Callie Rose. OK?'

'I was only—'

'I don't want to hear it. I'm warning you, leave my granddaughter alone or else.'

'Or else what?'

I stood up. 'You can pay for my meal. I've lost my appetite.'

I walked out of the restaurant, my neck muscles aching, the light hurting my eyes, my stomach turning over. I groaned inwardly as my headache flowered into a migraine. I turned round to take another look at my son.

He wasn't watching me but even from across the restaurant I could see his cold, cold smile.