Checkmate (21 page)

Rose pushed her hair back from her face with an impatient hand.

'Why don't you tie it back if it's getting on your nerves?' I suggested.

Rose looked up at me. 'It's OK.'

She pronged one of the sausages on her plate and bit into it. Her mind wasn't on her dinner though, that much was obvious.

'How was school today, Rose?'

'Mum, could you call me Callie Rose, please? I have asked you before.'

'I know, but I've spent years calling you Rose,' I pointed out. 'I'll try to remember. Anyway, why the sudden urge to change?'

'I just prefer Callie Rose. I think it's prettier and less weedy and it reminds me of my dad.'

'Rose isn't a weedy name – by definition.'

'You know what I mean,' said Rose impatiently. She dug her fork into her mashed potato and stuffed that into her mouth as well.

'Rose, I mean Callie Rose, your food isn't about to run off your plate so there's no need to stuff so much into your mouth at once.'

'Yes, Mum,' said Rose, her mouth more than half full.

I was about to nag her about that as well, when I decided against it. I didn't want our entire conversation around the table to be me nagging and Rose arguing. What I wanted to do was open my arms and tell her . . .

'Where's Nana Meggie?' Rose asked.

'She went into town to have dinner with a friend,' I replied.

'She did?' Rose couldn't've been any more astonished. And I couldn't blame her. Meggie had gone out for dinner. We'd have blue snow falling by morning.

'Who's the friend?' asked Rose.

I shrugged. 'No idea. I don't pry into Meggie's business.'

'So you didn't ask her?'

'No.'

Rose studied me, that thoughtful expression on her face that I've come to know so well and dread so much. She was about to ask me one of her impossible-to-answer questions.

'How come you pry into my business but not Nana Meggie's?'

'Callie Rose, I don't
pry,
but you're my daughter so I'm interested in everything you do. More than interested. I . . . I care about you,' I tried to explain.

Just say the words. Why d'you find them so difficult to say? Lack of practice? Yes, lack of practice. Then tell your daughter how you feel. The more you say it, the easier it becomes. Just say it . . .

'Don't you care about Meggie then?'

I frowned.

'Is that why you two never really talk to each other?' Rose continued.

'We do talk.'

'No.' Rose shook her head. 'She asks you a question and you answer or vice versa. She tells you something or you pass on information, but you and Nana don't sit and talk like you and Nana Jasmine do.'

'Well, your Nana Jasmine is my mother

'And Nana Meggie is my dad's mum,' said Rose. 'Don't you like her?'

'Of course I . . . I do. It's just that . . .'

Rose looked at me expectantly, waiting for me to continue.

'Meggie and I . . . we have a lot of history to deal with.'

'What kind of history?'

I sighed deeply. Why on earth hadn't I just said that Meggie was the best thing since grated cheese and left it at that?

'Rose, a lot of the things you now take for granted weren't the same in my day,' I began.

In my day . . . !
How old did that sound?

'Like what?'

'Like Noughts and Crosses going to the same schools for one. When I was your age, Noughts weren't allowed to go to public schools past the age of fourteen.'

'But that was decades ago when people didn't like Noughts and Crosses mixing,' said Rose.

'It wasn't "decades" ago,' I said dryly. 'I'm not that old. The law was only changed a few years before you were born.'

'I thought you said Dad and you went to the same school,' said Rose.

'Only because the law was changed in the year your dad started at Heathcroft. Callum was one of the first Noughts to go to a Cross school.'

'I still don't understand. What has that to do with you and Nana Meggie?'

'Meggie lost a lot, Rose, because of those times. She watched her family disintegrate around her. Disintegrate means—'

'I know what it means,' Rose interrupted.

'There's no need to snap my head off

'Don't change the subject.'

She'd noticed.

'It's not your fault that Aunt Lynette was knocked down or that my dad died. They were just accidents. Does Nana Meggie blame you for all the horrible things that happened to her?' asked Rose.

Accidents? Tell Callie Rose the truth, Sephy. Here's your chance. Tell your daughter how Callum really died. And why. Tell Rose about her Grandad Ryan's trial and what happened to him in prison. Tell her. Don't wimp out again. Just do it.

But I couldn't. The timing wasn't right. I ignored the voice inside asking if the timing would ever be right?

'No, I don't think she blames me . . .' I began. 'But she grew up in a time when it was hard for Noughts and Crosses to be true friends.'

'So doesn't she like you?'

'It's not that simple, Rose.' I sighed again. I felt like a fly in a spider's web and the more I tried to extricate myself, the worse I was making things. 'When you were born I was ill for a while and Meggie had to sort things out. After I stopped being ill, Meggie and I—'

'Hello, Nana Meggie,' smiled Rose.

I turned quickly. How long had Meggie been standing there, listening?

'Hi, sweetie.' Meggie smiled at Rose. 'You'd better hurry up and eat your dinner before it gets cold. Hello, Sephy.'

'Hello, Meggie.'

'How was your dinner, Nana?' asked Rose.

'Not very good,' said Meggie. 'That's why I ducked out early.'

'D'you want some dinner with us?' I asked. 'There's plenty.'

'No, thanks,' said Meggie. 'I'm not hungry. Actually, I've got a bit of a headache so I'm going to have a lie down for a while.'

After directing another warm smile at Rose, Meggie headed out of the room.

'Mum, you—'

The doorbell rang. Thank God! I practically sprinted from the room. I couldn't cope with any more questions about the past. I really couldn't. I opened the door and my heart bounced like a tennis ball.

'Hello, Sephy.'

'Sonny! Hi. I . . . er . . . d'you want to come in?' I was all confusion.

I stood to one side as Sonny stepped past me.

'Mum, who is it? Sonny!'

Rose launched herself forward into Sonny's open arms. The smile on her face could've lit the whole street.

'I've missed you, Sonny. How come you haven't been around for ages?'

'I've missed you too, pumpkin,' Sonny grinned. 'Very, very much.'

'Are you back now?'

Sonny put Rose to her feet. 'I need to speak to your mum, pumpkin.'

Rose stood there, smiling at him.

'In private, Callie Rose,' Sonny said ruefully.

'Oh. I'll go and finish my dinner then,' said Rose. She looked at me, fierce suspicion on her face, before turning back to Sonny. 'You're not going to leave without saying goodbye, are you?'

'I'd never do that,' said Sonny.

'That's all right then,' said Rose, satisfied.

She trotted back into the kitchen. Now that we were alone, I felt my face begin to burn. I couldn't help remembering the last humiliating time Sonny and I had been together. And what'd happened when his girlfriend caught us kissing.

'Let's go into the living room,' I suggested. 'Can I get you a drink? Tea? Coffee?'

'No thanks. I'm fine.'

I waited for Sonny to choose a seat so I could sit opposite, but he waited for me to do the same. I finally sat down in the armchair. I moved the cushion from behind me and hugged it to my stomach.

'How are you?' I asked.

'Fine.'

'How's Sherona?'

I had no doubt that Sherona was more than fine. A pit-bull had nothing on that woman. When she had caught me and Sonny together, I had thought she was going to rip my throat out. Not that I blamed her. There I'd stood in the dressing room with the zip of my dress undone and my dress half off and Sonny's arms wrapped round me. In Sherona's shoes I would've put two and two together and made plenty as well. Mind you, in Sherona's shoes I would've probably just walked away, closing the door behind me. Part of me admired her for wanting to tear my head off. She was a girl who fought for what she wanted. Me? I rolled over and played dead. I never used to be like that, when I was a teenager. But after Callie Rose was born, all the spark had seemed to desert me.

Until recently.

'Sherona's fine.'

'I'm glad you two didn't break up because of me,' I said.

'Are you?' asked Sonny pointedly.

'Sonny, what d'you want me to say?' I asked.

'Tell me why you took up with me in the first place? Propinquity? Expediency?'

'You really believe I'm that shallow?'

'I don't know,' Sonny admitted. 'After all these years, I still don't know you.'

'How could you get to know me when I didn't know myself?'

'What does that mean?'

'It doesn't matter. I was just a bit lost for a while. A long while.'

'And what happened?'

'You did,' I said truthfully. 'For a long time I felt like I didn't deserve to be loved or to love anyone. I thought . . . I thought our relationship was mostly propinquity
–
oh, not from my point of view, but yours.'

'Thanks a lot,' Sonny said bitterly.

'I'm just being honest,' I said.

'If that's all you thought it was, why did you let me in your bed?'

'I was fond of you and grateful that . . . that you wanted me. I didn't realize how desperate I was for someone to want me.'

'So you put up with me touching you out of gratitude and you thought all I wanted was sex?' Sonny spoke as if the words were hot ashes in his mouth.

'No. Of course not,' I sighed. 'I'm not explaining this very well. It was more than just sex. You could've had sex with anyone, but you wanted me. You wanted to be with
me.
Not Kamal Hadley's daughter, not Callum McGregor's lover, not Callie Rose's mother. Me. I started to see myself the way you saw me, as someone worth holding onto instead of someone dead inside.'

'And then I asked you to marry me.'

I looked down at the cushion on my lap, worrying the corner of it with restless fingers.

'And then you asked me to marry you,' I repeated.

I forced myself to look at Sonny. I wanted to say so much, but I could tell from the look on his face that I didn't have to.

'And where are you now?' asked Sonny.

'I'm beginning to remember who and what I am and what I want,' I said. 'It's like waking up inside. Does that make sense?'

Sonny didn't answer.

'I'm sorry for the way I treated you Sonny. You deserved better.'

'And now?' asked Sonny.

'And now you have Sherona.' I forced a smile. 'And I wish you only good things.'

'I see,' said Sonny.

He stood up. I did the same, dropping the cushion back in the chair.

'D'you . . . still want to work together? I'd like to . . .'

'I don't think that's a very good idea,' Sonny said quietly.

Who would've thought that words could weigh so much? They sat on my chest, crushing my heart.

'OK.' I nodded. 'You're probably right. And your girlfriend would never trust the two of us together now.'

'Sherona isn't

'Isn't what?'

'Isn't very forgiving. So I think it'd be better if we didn't see each other any more – just for a little while.'

'I understand. Don't forget to say goodbye to Rose.'

'I won't.'

We went out into the hallway just as Rose emerged from the kitchen.

'Are you staying for dinner?' she asked.

'No, Callie Rose. I have to go now,' said Sonny.

'When are you coming back?'

'I'm not sure,' said Sonny. 'I have to do a lot of travelling in the next few months. I'm not sure when I'll be round this way again.'

'Oh,' said Rose, her face wilting. 'Don't you like me any more?'

'Callie Rose, I love you,' said Sonny, getting down on one knee. 'Don't you ever think anything else.'

'Then why're you going away?'

'I have to, Callie Rose. I wouldn't leave unless I had no other choice.'

'Will you come and see me when you get back?'

'I promise. Just as soon as I can,' said Sonny.

I watched as Sonny and Rose hugged each other, her arms around his neck, his arms around her waist. I had to force myself not to look away. Sonny stood up.

'Bye, Callie Rose. Be good.'

Rose sniffed but didn't answer.

'Goodbye, Sephy,' said Sonny.

'Bye, Sonny.'

I watched him open the door and leave, shutting the door carefully behind him.

'What did you do?' Rose rounded on me immediately.

'Pardon?' It took me a couple of seconds to tear my gaze away from the closed door.

'You sent him away, didn't you?' Rose exploded. 'You ruin everything. You hate everyone and everything and you drove him away.'

'Rose,' I said, stunned. 'I didn't send him away.'

'I don't believe you. You just want everyone to be as miserable as you are,' Rose shouted. 'Well, I am. Are you happy now?'