Checkout (3 page)

Another job which is almost as desirable as yours is the supermarket compere's. This strange specimen is wheeled out on very special occasions: Mother's Day, Grandparents' Day, Gardening Day, Green Plants Day, the First Day of Spring, the First Day of Summer, the First Day of Winter, Red Wine Day, White Wine Day, Beer Day, Pork Pie Day, Scotch Egg Day, Salmon Day, Chocolate Cake Day, etc. You'll soon learn that any occasion is a good excuse for a party. And on those days how you will regret not being a customer. All those special offers and presents galore you will miss out on …

And you will very soon realise that not just anyone can be a supermarket compere.

You need a nice voice (well, a voice) and a
lot
of
endurance. Supermarket comperes have to be able to talk into their microphone almost all day without stopping (which will rapidly make you detest them).

They also have to be convincing.

And they must be good at the schmaltz.

They must enjoy travel.

They have to have the charm of Chris Tarrant (generally they think they
are
Chris Tarrant).

And finally they need to be resourceful.

So you see, it's true. Not everyone has the skills to be a supermarket compere. You will come to admire them for their ability to make so much of so little. It's a highwire act!

Hats (and microphones) off to them.

Some people have a real phobia about queuing. But how can you avoid it at the supermarket, or the post office for that matter? With subtle little ploys, that's how. Here are the most devious.

The devious customer runs up with her trolley and starts to empty it on to the conveyor belt.

The checkout girl has no one at her till and indicates to an elderly customer waiting nearby that she should come to her till. The customer hurries over as fast as she is able and when she is almost there, a man rushes up and does a flashy fishtail move with his trolley. He immediately starts putting his shopping on the conveyor belt.

The checkout girl serves several customers and then turns to find an empty trolley without an owner. Five other customers are waiting behind.

If the third customer decides not to let this go the atmosphere will turn ugly very quickly. Abuse will fly and a fight could break out. And frankly, the very, very devious customer has behaved so badly that you'd have to be a saint to stay calm.

The checkout girl, with the best seat in the house, keeps score and leaves them to get on with it.

I would advise all these very devious customers to do their shopping on the Internet. They will find it less tiring than treating everyone else like idiots …

So you thought supermarkets weren't the sexiest of places? Think again.

They are much more erotic places than you had imagined. You'll be surprised how many kisses are stolen in the aisles (including in the loo-roll aisle …), by the number of languorous glances exchanged between the butcher's counter and the fishmonger's, by the number of hands on bottoms in the frozen-food section, of breasts (and more if the chemistry is right) caressed in the lingerie aisle, and by the romantic and even passionate conversations in front of the cheese counter. You'll be surprised as well by the number of domestic disputes …

Why? Maybe the plethora of products all within arm's reach excites the senses.

Once it was my good fortune to witness real passion. It was the end of the day. Most people had gone. There was no one at my till (yes, it does happen). I was looking around (I know, the till won't clean itself) and my glance fell on a couple and their four children in the comics aisle. I was immediately struck by the great tenderness between Mum and Dad and I said to myself that to be so in love after four children was the stuff of dreams.

And I starting daydreaming at my till … lots of romantic images passed through my mind until a sound like the unblocking of a sink made me look up. My dream couple were walking towards me with their trolley and four children … and snogging. Hence the romantic noise.

I told myself that love is deaf as well as blind. And can't afford to wait either. All the time they were at my till they were fondling each other. And completely without inhibition either – they weren't worried about anyone catching sight of Mum's pink lacy G-string or Dad's very hairy bum. Their children, unmoved, left them to it and took care of packing the shopping. I suppose it's better than parents who argue. But I have to admit I blushed. It's not every day that passion is aroused in front of your till.

But in your role as hostess of this love shack you should expect to inspire desire too (even though your uniform is horrible). Be prepared for these grand declarations of love:

Others will be slightly less direct, a little shyer and a bit more obsessive too. They will come to your till nineteen times in one week, each time with just one item. Eyes always on the floor. No hello or goodbye. You'll start wondering if they're a bit mad. But on the twentieth occasion:

If you say no you'll break his heart but save your own … The rejected admirer will generally run away without asking for his change. And you stand there with your mouth open, taken aback by the turn of events.

Exciting, isn't it?

And love at first sight? Perhaps, you might be lucky … but let me remind you: you're a checkout girl and this isn't a Hollywood movie.

What embarrasses or intimidates customers? Surely nothing, you say – isn't that the nature of customers? Well, let me put you straight because there are a few items that bother some customers. And thanks to these items you get a little insight into those dear customers' personalities. How you will laugh, but only inside.

Everyone uses it (consumption in Britain is more than twice the European average). And yet, for some customers it's as if their loo roll smells bad already. You barely have time to scan it (don't be sadistic and pretend you can't find the bar code) before they grab it from you and bury
it at the bottom of their trolley or bag under their other shopping. They will only breathe easy again once they are sure ‘it' can't be seen. And if ‘it' can still be seen (because the bag is too small or the 32-roll family pack is too large), they will try their best for several seconds to push ‘it' out of sight. Others will desperately try to find brochures and leaflets to cover it. And they will all scuttle away from your till as quickly as possible.

Apparently, for some girls (and even those who aren't girls any more) periods are still a shameful illness. Luckily, sanitary-towel packaging and tampon boxes are more discreet than loo roll and can quickly be stowed in bags. However, not before you've seen these customers blush furiously, mumble an embarrassed ‘hello', their eyes on their shoes, and drop their change in their nervousness. It's as if you had suddenly become a very imposing person. Amazing, a checkout girl can actually intimidate her customers! And then there are those for whom it is such an insurmountable ordeal that they prefer to send their husband or boyfriend to buy them. And generally these men find it rather amusing. You will be surprised by how often that happens.

But you shouldn't be surprised by any of this. When
you think of all the adverts that systematically highlight bad smells and leaks, which will make everyone look at you, it's no wonder that some people feel ashamed.

There are, of course, the customers who appear to think, ‘If I hide this condom, no one will see it.' They try to ‘drown' the box in amongst other items (some will even make sure that they choose other products whose colour and packaging are similar to the condom packet's), or they throw it down on the conveyor belt at the last minute like a casual afterthought. But they should beware of throwing it too hard because it might end up on the conveyor belt of the till next door where their neighbour is just paying for her shopping. If that happens their only recourse is to move to South America …

Then there are customers who don't give a damn. But they aren't funny.

And there are the show-offs. Real comedians. Pumped full of testosterone, they put two or even three or four boxes of XXL condoms on the conveyor belt. They don't buy anything else, obviously, unless it's lubricating jelly … and they fully expect all the customers around them (and preferably the whole shop) to notice and look at them with admiration (if they're ladies) and jealousy (if
they're men). They won't appreciate it if you scan their boxes too quickly but will love you if you use your microphone to ask the price (specifying that it's XXL). And obviously they never use a bag.

As you would expect, when the show-off buys one he places it proudly with his boxes of condoms. The more hardcore the title, the happier he is.

Then you get the couple who find it ‘scandalous' that ‘you' (obviously it's always your fault when things go wrong) don't sell porn. But this shouldn't happen too often. Supermarkets today have understood that porn is a juicy market and often have a designated aisle. Yes, they are hidden in the corner, right at the top, out of reach of children …

But others try to be more discreet.

They purchase their porn film with other, more ‘family-oriented' films (Walt Disney, for example) and sandwich it between two others when it comes to paying (as if to say ‘How did that get there?'). Cinderella appears to have increased her bra size recently, you think …

They ask for it to be gift-wrapped every time they buy one. Probably to give it to their wives instead of flowers. Or for a couple of friends who are going through a rough 
patch. Or because there are no more plastic bags. You will be dying to ask them which one it is.

You will also see husbands who only buy them when they are alone and only pay in cash.

And of course, not to mention (OK, I will then) the customer whose DVD doesn't scan properly so that everyone can hear you ask, ‘DVD aisle please, Till 5 would like to know the price of
Debbie Does Dallas
.' And I'd like to see the expression on your face when that happens.

Ah, so many unforgettable experiences await you!