Checkout (5 page)

Ladies and Gentlemen, are you fed up with your unsightly spare tyres? Do you dream about losing your love handles? Are you finding it impossible to reach your ideal weight?

Panic over – by working on the till you have chosen the best possible path to weight loss. The miracle solution is at the end of the conveyor belt.

Let the Checkout Girl and Body™ laboratory guide you: follow these exercises and your well-being will improve in record time.

Your shifts will change every day and from one week to the next. The upside: you’ll skip meals, leading to certain
weight loss. Checkout Girl and Body™ has proved it. Small downside: you must avoid snacking during your breaks. If the snack machine in the staff room makes eyes at you it’ll quickly give you some extra padding which will keep you warm but will be fatal for your dream body! But your limitless willpower will keep you away from these servants of the devil and point you in the healthy direction of a bottle of mineral water (or tap water) and apples, your only indispensable workplace companions. Small downside: the noise of your stomach could rival the beep of your till. Never mind, you can always put it down to stress.

Ah, blessed be the stores which require you to lift heavy items on to the till to be scanned. Thanks to this additional effort when you work on the till you will be able to tone your arms beautifully. Your biceps will be endlessly grateful for these relentlessly repeated exercises. Be sure to keep up a good pace!

Small downside: Checkout Girl and Body™ has not been able to determine whether carrying heavy items can create tendonitis. Some checkout girls regularly complain of this but Checkout Girl and Body™ wonders whether this is not just pure fabrication.

No problem, your position when you’re working (half sitting, half standing) will tone your thighs and buttocks. Aren’t you lucky! And don’t forget, for the best results get up and sit back down thirty or forty times an hour. This is very do-able during your working time and you will change your shape with grace and flexibility. Checkout Girl and Body™ has proved it.

Small downside: it appears (but again this has not been proved by our laboratory) that this kind of exercise can lead to various kinds of backache. Checkout girls who have not agreed to be examined by the Checkout Girl and Body™ doctors have claimed that they suffer from sciatica and lumbago. But that’s just rumour at the moment …

Yes! As amazing as it sounds, the job of checkout girl has a big advantage for you, ladies! You carry a variety of heavy objects and you rotate by nearly 120 degrees with these items, which tones your pectorals. The result will be visible after only a few weeks. Your breasts will be firmer!

It’s easy to compare yourself with women who aren’t as lucky as you. A customer passes by? A new checkout girl arrives? Look at her chest area and then look at yours,
which already has several months’ work behind it. Can’t you see a clear difference?

Checkout Girl and Body™ has proved it, checkout girls have nice firm chests. No more droopy boobs!

Small downside: there is a slight risk of straining your back and this exercise is, of course, better suited to women. Some men might have to wear bras after a few months. But you have to admit it’s worth it!

Before working on the till, did you get colds, sore throats and flu all the time? Permanent contact with customers (one in seven will be carrying a virus during epidemics like gastroenteritis) will strengthen your immune system and make you resistant to all illnesses. What’s more, by working near the freezers, automatic doors which are nearly always open and air conditioning, you will become stronger in the long term.

Small downside: it appears that some employees will become more receptive to viruses because of prolonged contact with all these germs. A study is in progress but there’s no need to panic. Checkout Girl and Body™ suspects that some staff have started this rumour as an excuse to blow their noses at the till in front of customers.

Sitting behind a till all day under fluorescent lights will cause your complexion to lose its natural sparkle. Not a problem – after a few months’ work you will have become an expert in applying foundation (not provided by the store) to put some sparkle back into your grey skin. And use your breaks to get some sun in the store’s (noisy and polluted) car park. The reflection of rays on the cars will make you brown (or baked) in record time.

Note too that, with regard to the state and development of your brain, the automatic movements and phrases repeated a thousand times a day will allow your mind to take a break during your working day. You can engage your brain again when you leave the shop. A good way of preserving your neurones for when you’re old.

Small downside: some customers will confuse you with a house plant or the village idiot. Let them, it makes them feel superior and they will be delighted to come back and do their shopping with you. You have won your first regular customers. Checkout Girl and Body™ is proud of you!

So, dear customers, next time you do your shopping take a look at the checkout girls and observe the secret moves they use every day to create their dream bodies.

Working on the till is even better than going to the gym! Right, bring on the water bottles and cat litter!

You know the children's game, Musical Chairs? Did you like it when you were little? That's all right then, you're in luck! Your store's management lets you play it again but especially on Saturdays and the day before bank holidays. So how is the game played? It's very easy.

Saturday morning, about 11.30 a.m. You reach your till, happy to have a new day of work before you and, oh joy, you discover that there's no chair.

And so it begins.

Agitated, you glance right and left. The thirty tills are operating, their lights are all on. Have you already lost? A big sigh. But no, there is hope, twelve tills away the light is out. You take to your heels and off you fly. But what a
disappointment! Your colleague has just forgotten to put the light on. What an idiot! You're about to say so when you see another empty till and an empty chair! You check, no, it's not a mirage, they are both empty. Isn't life great? You make for the empty till. Your heart is beating hard and you throw yourself on the chair.

Have you won? Not yet. You have to get it back to your till as quickly as possible. If you're absent for more than five minutes, with or without a chair, you've lost. And you only have two minutes left.

Bother, the chair is too big for the gap! Come on, clumsy, pull on it with all your strength! Damn, it doesn't have wheels. And it's really heavy!

Stop moaning, pick it up and hurry! You only have a minute left and seventy metres to go. Do you give up? Perhaps you'd rather pull it because of your lumbago? OK, but you've lost anyway and the squeaking of the chair's wheels is giving you away … Oops, sorry, you've hit a customer's trolley … OK, you've finally reached your till? At last!

Are you sweating profusely and thinking you can get your breath back? Well, think again and get to work. At least 350 customers to serve during the day and five are already waiting (crafty ones … they were following you while you hunted for a chair). There's not a moment to lose. You can get your breath back at your next break.

But why, you ask, wasn't there a chair at your till?

Answer: there used to be enough chairs for everyone but it would be too easy just to replace every broken one, and, anyway, it's a fun game, isn't it?

Supermarkets – veritable treasure troves but, unfortunately, everything has to be paid for. Sometimes, though, especially if your purse is empty, or you’re a kleptomaniac, the temptation to steal is just too strong. It’s only human. But if you don’t want to get caught, dear customer, avoid the following ploys, which are all too well known by checkout girls, or else make sure you perfect them.

This ploy involves being very voluble. The customer relates their life story and tells lots of jokes with extravagant gestures. This customer is a real clown – actually, a real magician. They hope to distract the
checkout girl’s attention so that she won’t notice that underneath their coat their stomach is strangely round.

Do you have the gift of the gab like Graham Norton or Russell Brand? Give it a go but you must be sure you have the necessary talent, otherwise your next performance will be in front of a couple of police officers …

While the checkout girl scans their items a sudden violent argument breaks out between husband and wife about why they have bought some products twice or the colour of the loo roll … The tension increases and they come to blows. The checkout girl doesn’t know what to do and looks at the floor. They use the opportunity to whisk through a rucksack full of shopping.

Forget this tactic. Most checkout girls today love domestics and won’t miss a moment – unless you go so far as to tear each other’s clothes off (but that technique might attract too much attention).

This customer puts a blank CD in a box of Camembert, batteries inside packs of Coke cans, etc. All products which could be used to ‘cover’ others are well known by
checkout girls. You’ll either need more imagination or you’ll need to come with a shopping bag with a false bottom. By the way you can also forget the ‘Oh, I didn’t see it!’ excuse when the checkout girl discovers the booty …

This customer is going out with his shopping when the security alarm sounds. Immediately he cries, ‘It’s a scandal! … Unbelievable! … You can’t treat me like a thief when it’s daylight robbery in this supermaket! … The alarm must be broken, this happened last time too! … I’m never coming back here.’ The customer is hoping to intimidate the checkout girl or the security guard so they won’t ask to see his purchases and will just let him through, worn down by his shouting. Even if you can be really frightening, forget this tactic. It has been used to death.

The athlete passes through the tills at the speed of light, a large item under his arm and takes everyone by surprise. You need to be extremely fit with a good knowledge of rugby tactics to avoid being flattened at the exit by the security guards.

He will swap the bar code of the product he wants to buy for that of a cheaper product. Two drawbacks: today the labels with the bar codes are very difficult, almost impossible, to remove, and they break easily. And secondly, you are unlikely to get away with it. The checkout girl will notice if a pan costs the same as a packet of salt. Don’t take her for an idiot – it’s an error that could be your undoing.

He queues like everyone else. The checkout girl thinks he’s a normal customer who is quietly waiting his turn. But suddenly he leaves the queue and makes a dash for the exit, his bag full of shopping under his arm. By the time the checkout girl can react and warn security he is already home free. He counts on the passivity of the crowd and the checkout girl’s weariness. Nice try, but it won’t work. This tactic requires the security guards also to be very tired or else absent altogether. So you have to choose your time carefully and watch out for the security guards’ break times. It can be a question of seconds.

I would also like to warn you about a final point: beware of other customers. Some are born to tell tales and won’t
hesitate to betray you to a checkout girl or to management. Honestly, I promise. So be careful when you steal in the aisles (and hiding a pan under your jumper isn’t very discreet anyway!).

Some useful advice, I hope.

Good luck!

Supermarket raids? Don’t push it!

Did you think that when you were on the till you were alone at the helm dealing with the customers? Wrong. You're forgetting your boss – who has one eye looking out for you and one eye watching you.

But who is he or she? What do they do? What is their day like? And what is the best way for you to manage your boss?

There are nearly as many managers as checkout girls in supermarkets. Some will last a few days, others years. Each will have their own method, goals and principles.

They have climbed the ladder, rung by rung, through
hard work and they certainly deserve their place. They fully understand the workings of the store and know how to solve problems. They will be there to help if you have a problem.

Your till breaks down. You call your supervisor (naturally).

‘My till is stuck.'

‘I'm on my way,' the efficient boss replies immediately.

Three and a half seconds later the door of the Office opens and your supervisor emerges with a telephone in one hand and a screwdriver in the other. ‘Good morning!' he says with a big smile for the customer. ‘I'll take care of this little problem, won't take a second.'

Yes, managers like that do exist, I've actually met some!

Fear not – you will also meet some moody ones. They don't say hello. Want to try the same with your customers? (Oh, that's right, you can't, you're not a boss.)

You will also come across the moaners. When it comes to the sensitive issue of cashing up, these are the bosses who harass you, adding to your stress. And they don't see any more need to be helpful than they do to be nice.

‘My till is stuck. I can't do anything.'

‘Again? Bloody tills! And bloody checkout girls who don't look after their equipment,' followed by an unintelligible grumble.

One of their minions will arrive a few minutes later to reboot the till. While you wait you should tell the customer a few jokes to keep the bad vibes emanating from the telephone from reaching the customer.

This one only thinks about his career, his progress and his personal goals. He forgets that staff under his command still have rights. His weapon? Excessive communication. He writes hundreds of memos – on targets, turnover and performance. He spells everything out for you. You'll almost feel involved in the running of the store – until your lovely boss reveals his predatory side.

If you say hello to the union representative and chat with him for a couple of minutes you can be sure that thirty seconds later the boss will ask you if you have a problem with authority …

If you need to change your hours because of a personal appointment you'd better agree to do overtime (unpaid and claimed back in lieu … six months later) the week before unless you want to attract the rage of the God boss.

And if you are unlucky enough to contest a truly unfair decision by the boss he will quickly call you to order with his unanswerable argument: ‘I'm the boss!'

You've learnt your lesson, I hope. Otherwise, punishment! No, not like at school where you take a note home for your parents and write out one hundred times, ‘I will never say no to my lovely boss again.' It's another kettle of fish here. The good news will arrive with your rota. You'll have been given particularly horrible shifts (closing time every day, oh joy) or a change of post. Oh, so you fancy working on the customer service desk? Well, apparently you don't smile enough so you won't be going there.

The worst thing is that your boss will think that this punishment will be good for you. You think it will just cause more conflict. Obviously you don't share his view of life (or the same goals) …

This one relies on mystery shoppers. Customers who apparently report the good and especially the not-so-good behaviour of the cashiers (I told you that some customers are born to tell tales). And this boss is only trying to increase customer satisfaction. And his customers will be more satisfied if his checkout girls smile more. Is this your
boss? Lucky you, because he will try to do his best for his employees, he will always be in a good mood (or nearly always) and might even lend you his support.

This is a rare species so if you have one, don't let him go!

You should know though that your proven stupidity will force you systematically to appeal to your boss or his deputy for anything which is not explicitly part of your duties (you won't even be able to remove an item rung up in error on your own). And the surveillance cameras will always be on you. They will dissuade you from stealing a couple of pennies, catching a little nap, blowing your nose in a customer's bread or picking your nose. And thanks to the latest modern tills your boss can follow your turnover in real time and ‘turn you off' when he feels like it.

So you see how work makes you free …