Choice Theory (31 page)

Choice theory looks at past abuse far differently. It teaches that these children, or now adults, can use choice theory to help themselves. They are no longer victims of what happened unless they choose to see themselves that way. Choice theory explains that the current thinking that they must relive, and even confront, the abuse is not only ineffective but can be harmful. In any situation, it is always harmful to imply to people that they are victims and can’t help themselves. Countless people in the world who have been abused as children and adults, many horribly, have helped themselves without traditional therapy and with no knowledge of choice theory. They have had bad experiences but still have been able to learn to trust people. They have suffered, but they have not been permanently damaged.

Children or adults who have not dealt effectively with the abuse need good counseling, which should include the choice theory explanations both of what happened and how to deal with it. Most important, they must learn that they are not suffering from the abuse itself as much as from the fact that they have lost trust in or may never have learned to trust people. Sexual abuse is one of the most difficult behaviors to deal with because, in many instances, the child did trust the abuser when the abuse began.

As I explained when I discussed child rearing, learning to trust is crucial to learning how to satisfy our needs as we deal with the
world. From their experience, not trusting people makes sense to abused children. If they have been hurt by people in their quality worlds, how could they possibly trust strangers? What they have to learn is that most people are not abusers and that many, but not all, people can be trusted. And they need to learn how to distinguish those who can be trusted from those who can’t and steer clear of those who can’t. Basically, they have to be cautious when they meet people and get to know them better before they trust them. They need to be extra cautious to avoid being hurt again and losing what little trust they were beginning to gain.

When the abuse ends, they are like people who were blind for a long time, maybe since birth, and suddenly regain the ability to see. Although they can now see, they are not able to use their vision normally; they literally have to learn or relearn to use their eyes. Abused children or adults have to experience loving and trustworthy people and, literally, learn to trust and then love. But to do so, they have to learn to let go of the idea that they are victims or have been permanently damaged. To be cautious makes sense; to continue to think they are victims makes no sense.

Counseling them with reality therapy and, concurrently, teaching them choice theory can do much more for them than taking them back through the abuse. Revisiting a bad experience does not make you stronger. If you have been starving for a long time, you need food, not an explanation why you weren’t fed in the past. Wounds, even severe psychological wounds, can heal, but only through experiencing love and gaining the trust that, with effort on their part, this love can be sustained.

Choice theory explains that all problems are present problems because the needs must be satisfied now. You cannot eat a meal you missed any more than you can eat a future meal. You can store food for the future just as you can make a good friend whom you can enjoy in the future. But enjoying the friend now is the key to enjoying the friend in the future. An abused person, because of an unhappy past, may be less capable but not incapable of dealing with the present. The past, be it abuse, neglect, or rejection, is not the problem. His or her present problem is no different
from anyone’s present problem—all present problems are relationship problems. We all need a satisfying present relationship with someone we can trust.

Terri, a thirty-three-year-old woman, came to me because she was unable to sustain satisfying sexual relationships. As soon as she began to get close to a man, she chose to behave in ways that destroyed the relationship. What she actually did is unimportant. Let’s take a look at how, using reality therapy, I counseled her. I will focus on what I did that got her redirected from the past to the present and helped her to learn to trust. What I did is not the only way to do reality therapy, but it is a good way. Other reality therapists might do it differently, but we would all be going in the same forward direction.

“Terri, tell me your story. Everyone who comes here has a story. I’d like very much to hear yours.”

“There is no story. I’m lonely and miserable. Well, I shouldn’t really say that. I enjoy my job and the people I work with, but my social life, I always seem to screw it up. A good friend where I work told me about you. I talk to her a lot about my screwed-up love life, and she tries to help me. She said you helped her cousin; she could see her cousin change when she went to see you. Her cousin told her a little about how you worked, but she didn’t want to try to tell me because she wasn’t sure she understood it. Anyway, I need help. I have a little insurance; I can see you ten times this year. If it’s going to take much longer, I’m not sure I can afford it. Between my car and my rent and the few clothes I have to have, there isn’t much left. Also, I’m paying off a big dentist bill. Can you help me if this is all I can afford? I’ve heard therapy takes a long time. I don’t want to start and then have to leave in the middle. Now that I’ve mentioned this, I guess that’s my problem with men. I start in OK but I never seem to get much further.”

“How long it takes depends on you. A lot can be done in ten sessions if you are willing to make some effort to learn a lot more about yourself than you know now. It’s not like going to the dentist. With the dentist, all you had to do was open your mouth, and he fixed your teeth. I can’t fix your love life, but I can help
you
to
fix it. We work together. It’s more like after going to the dentist, when you learn how to take better care of your teeth. The difference is that here you start right in, right this minute, learning how to take better care of your life. That’s what my kind of therapy is all about—learning how to take care of yourself. We’ll talk, I’ll ask you questions, and you’ll also help by beginning to take a close look at what you are choosing to do with your life right now. I’ll use the word
choosing
a lot because I believe that we choose what we do and that you have to learn to make better choices if you want to be happy. Tell me what’s happening; begin anywhere you like.”

“It’s men, I want a relationship. I meet them easily. A lot of them don’t mean much to me, so for a little while we get along and then we just drift apart. But once in a while, one of them does mean a lot to me, and then I screw it up. That’s what’s happening right now with Tom. He’s just like all the others I cared for. We find out we’re interested in each other, and then I ruin it.”

“Be specific. I need to know as much as you can tell me about all that’s going on. Tell me everything; it all helps. How are you ruining it with Tom?”

Being specific is very important. Life is lived specifically; generalities like “I screwed up” are worthless in therapy. It’s all the details that count.

“We got off to a good start. With Tom even the sex was good from the start. But then I started making demands. I started criticizing him for a lot of little things. He told me that a woman where he works lives near him and asked him to take her home after work; she gets a ride to work but she needs a ride home. I blew my top and accused him of wanting to go to bed with her. It was off the wall—she’s almost old enough to be his mother—but when I blew I was serious. But it can be anything. All of a sudden I don’t like his beard, I hate the tattoo on his arm, he didn’t call exactly when he said he would. This goes on more and more. It all ends with me accusing him of not loving me. How the hell could he love me? We just met, but I accuse him anyway. I tell him he’s just seeing me because I fuck him; I get crude like that and it’s awful.
The other night he blew up a little himself. He said, ‘You’re right, I am seeing you because I like to make love to you.’ He didn’t say fuck; he’s not crude like me. He said, ‘Of course I like to make love to you; I think that’s a marvelous reason to see each other. I can’t think of a better one.’”

“And?”

“I went berserk. I told him I don’t want to just go to bed; I want something more. I started to scream and cry and beat on his chest. We were in bed; it was before we even made love. The poor guy got up, got dressed, and started to leave. I got up and ran after him and begged him not to go. So he stayed and we made love and it was terrific. It was the fight that made it so good. I was pretty good in the morning, but as I left for work, I’m on the early shift this quarter, I gave him a parting shot. I told him if he ever gets up out of bed like that again, we’re through. I didn’t need to do that. I was sorry as soon as I said it. There’s something wrong with me. It’s not him. I decided to see you because this guy is the best yet. He works and doesn’t drink. He’s divorced, of course; they all are except the married ones. I’ve tried them, too. I’m fucking up my life and I don’t know why.”

What’s missing is obvious. She doesn’t trust him, and I guess she hasn’t trusted any of them. I’d better bring it up right now. There’s no sense beating around the bush. She seems comfortable with me. Something happened in her life. Maybe she can tell me; I’ll see.

“What does the word
trust
mean to you?”

“If you’re trying to tell me that I don’t trust guys, you’re right. I don’t, why should I?”

“Maybe because of what you said: He’s a pretty nice guy, but you’re afraid to get close to him. That’s the usual reason, and it’s probably right.”

“Look, he’s divorced, he has two kids, and he’s paying child support. Is he going to start in again with a nut like me? What’s in it for him? Anyway, why should I trust him? Why should I trust any of them after what I went through?”

I’m not going to ask her. She’ll have to tell me. If I ask her,
whatever it is, my asking will make it too important. She’s got to stop thinking about it, stop depending on it as a way to avoid getting close to men now. She’s thinking about whether to tell me. I won’t say anything. She went on after a long pause, but she kept looking at me as if to say,
What’s wrong with you? Why don’t you ask me what happened?

“I didn’t have exactly a great upbringing. If I tell you all I went through as a kid, I’ll eat up the whole ten sessions in no time. I’ve read about lousy childhoods, how they screw you all up. Do you want to hear about mine? I guess you do; that’s where it all is, isn’t it? My childhood, what happened to me as a child. My mother says she’s sorry now but she didn’t seem sorry then.”

OK, it’s out now; I can ask her. She wants to tell me.

“Who was it? Your father, your stepfather, your mother’s boyfriend?”

“Not my father. He left when I was six. It was my mother’s boyfriends—three of them. It started when I was nine; it didn’t end until I left home. I was seventeen. I left home, my mother gave me a little money, I guess she felt guilty. She pretended not to know, but she knew what was going on. I guess she was afraid she’d lose her boyfriends. If you think I’m a wreck, you ought to meet my mother. She knew where I was when I left; we’ve always kept in touch. For a while I lived with a girlfriend; it was tough, but I was out of there. I got this job in a market. I’m smart. As soon as I was eighteen, I moved up to checker. I’m good at it. It’s the one good thing in my life. It’s how I meet guys. The market’s in a good neighborhood; I meet guys that have some things going for them. The guy I have now works in a sound studio; he makes out OK.”

She’s pretty up front. She has every right not to trust men, but her genes have no memory; they don’t know she was molested. They want love and sex, and they want it now. She has sex. She says she enjoys it, and that’s good. But if choice theory is correct, I have to go forward. If I go back through all the abuse, what good will it do? She has a life and she is on some kind of terms with her mother, and that’s good. Maybe her mother should have protected her, but she didn’t. The men shouldn’t have done what
they did, but they did it. I can see she expects me to go back through the past. To blame her trouble with men on what happened. But if I do, where is she? Can she do anything to undo what happened? Will it do any good to blame her mother? She sees her mother as helpless, and maybe that’s the best way to see her. I’m not going to go in that direction. It’s enough that she lived through what happened to her once. She doesn’t need to go back through it again. It’s obvious she has some strengths. I’ve got to help her build on them.

“OK, I get the picture. I’ve counseled women who’ve been abused, some not as bad, some worse. Tell me, what’s good about working in the market? You say you have friends at work?”

“What’s good is I get good pay and benefits like seeing you. I like the people I work with and I like the shifts, it’s open twenty-four hours. You meet different people on different shifts. I met Tom at four in the morning. There was no one waiting, so I had time to talk. My boss is pretty good. He knows I’m a talker and thinks it’s good for business. When it’s busy, I’m fast as lightning and I can still talk. I enjoy meeting and getting to know some of the customers. I’m lucky to have this job.”

“When you came in, you said you were miserable, but sitting here talking to you, you don’t seem so miserable.”

“I’m not miserable here with you. It’s hard to be miserable when you’re talking about yourself. But I was miserable the other night when Tom got up out of bed to leave. I like this guy and I’m going to drive him away. That’s why I’m miserable. Last night I held it all in. I didn’t say anything when he called me from the studio and told me he was going to be three hours late and then it was four. He didn’t get there till almost midnight, but I didn’t say anything. He loved it; I could see the scared look on his face when he came in. But I felt like I was all bottled up. It felt like it did when I was young, with those men, all bottled up. We ate and then made love, but it didn’t work that good for me. It’s like, if I had really let him have it, the sex would have been better. I kept thinking, Here I am being all sweet, and it wasn’t as good as when I’m a bitch. You can see why I’m here, can’t you?”