Choices (21 page)

“You remember, how I told you I worked as an L&D nurse at CCH?” She asked hesitantly.

“Yeah, I remember.”

“Well, I just heard a story on the news about a young mother who died in childbirth. She was really young and didn’t tell anyone she was pregnant, therefore, she wasn’t taking care of herself. Well, it just brought back memories of a time right before I left Florida.”

“Sharon, do you want a refill?”

Slight nod. I quickly refilled her glass.

“
I remembered this one couple. There was a young girl about eighteen, nineteen, pregnant, ready to give birth. I watched her and her beautiful young husband come in together. I just remember thinking, those two are gorgeous. That baby she’s going to push out is going to be just as gorgeous. I was actually a little jealous. They were so young, beautiful and so in love. They couldn’t stop holding one another they were so excited. He was so supportive and tender and sure and strong for someone so young. It was amazing, quite beautiful and painful almost to watch. You were so happy for them and yet so jealous all at the same time.  Then for no reason other than there has to be some kind of balance in the world, something ugly to counteract all the beauty, she died.” She took another sip of her wine to compose herself and gather her thoughts.

“That’s so sad. I g
uess you see a lot of that?”

“
I do. They never leave you.”

“No, I’m sure they don’t. I always remember the little ones that don’t make it. It is sad.”

“Do you ever feel guilty?”

“
Feel guilty?” She nodded. “Why? Because they died? Listen, Sharon, it’s a really bittersweet story, but you act like it was your fault or something.”

“I know it’s not but I still feel guilty.
”

“Hmmm…I guess maybe you would feel guilty because you’re alive and they are not. Is that what you mean?”

She was crying now, huge deep painful tears. I got up and wrapped myself and my blanket around her.

“I always feel guilty when the young ones die.”

“Well, I guess maybe you could look at it as living your life to the fullest. See it as squeezing the most out of your life since these young mothers and babies can’t.”

“
I try.” She paused to take a deep breath. “What do you do about the lies?”

“The lies? I’m confused?”

“You know the ones I’m talking about Laurel. The ones you tell yourself in the middle of night so you can have some peace and get back to sleep.”

“Sharon, honey, what’s going on? This isn’t like you.”

“I’m just tired. I’m thinking maybe I should try something else, you know do something different.” She grimaced.

“Sharon, you are one of the best nurses I have ever met, not to mention one of the best people I have ever met.”

“Yeah, thanks for the pep talk Laurel but I think it might be time to move on. You know move on from here and maybe try something different altogether.”

“Move away from me? No, Sharon, you can’t do that! What else are you going to do?”

“Hmm…I don’t know, dance on tables again.” I put down my wine glass and glared at her. “Oh, I won’t do that. I’m just kidding. Who would want to see all this fat giggle across the stage. Yuck! I don’t even want to see it.”

“Sharon, you’re one of the most beautiful women I know on the inside and the out.”

“Yeah, I’m not so sure about that. Did you ever make such a huge mistake that no matter how hard you try to forgive yourself you just can’t…you just can’t?” She started crying harder this time.

“Sharon, honey, you’re not making any sense. Why don’t you go home and get some rest.” I was beginning to get scared myself. I had never seen Sharon like this before. I was confused. I had a feeling she was a watershed ready to overflow.

“Have you ever had to live with a terrible mistake, a terrible
lie that always haunts you, never leaves you at peace and just keeps snowballing into bigger and bigger circumstances that soon become way out of your control?”
Oh, if she only knew my secrets!

“Sharon, honey, listen if you don’t want to talk to me about what’s bothering you, I’m sure you can find someone at the hospital.”  She wiped away her tears.

“Thanks, Laurel, it’s always good to talk to you. It’s not a matter of not wanting to talk to you. I just can’t talk to you. I’m going to miss this.” She abruptly stood up, hugged my fiercely and walked off the deck in the backyard leaving me to wonder what the hell that was all about!!

“Brandon! Brandon, are you here?” I had a key to his condo so I let myself in. He quickly rushed to the door.

“Laurel, what’s wrong? I thought you were with your girlfriends. My God, you’re so upset. Please, tell me why you are crying.” He folded me up in his arms and just held me until I was able to catch my breath. My breathing instantly calmed as I took in his scent and could feel the weight of his body against mine. With his arms enveloping me, I felt safe, protected and loved and I knew that this is where I wanted to be, but also knew it was a place I shouldn’t be.  I rested my head against his shoulder and absolutely ruined his white shirt with my makeup.

“There are you alright now, can you talk to me?” He gently wiped away my tears and cupped my face with his strong hands.

“Wow, I really ruined your shirt. I’m sorry.”

“Laurel, I don’t care about the shirt. What has you so
upset?”

“Do you remember the nigh
t we shared in the cabana?”

“Remember it! How on earth could I forget it? You were so beautiful and sexy and vulnerable.”

“Do you remember what you said to me?” I bit my lip and looked up at him, my eyes wide with uncertainty.

“Yes, how could I forget that too?”
His thumbs caressed my checks.

“Brandon,
did you really mean it? Are you just playing with my emotions? Is this just a summer fling to you?”

“Laurel, how could you
? Are you still unsure of how I feel about you?” He was angry now. He loosened his hold on me and walked into the kitchen to get me a drink. Here I am questioning his feelings and he is still comforting and taking care of me.

“Laurel, you’re obviously really upset about something. Please, drink this. Maybe re
-hydrating will jump start your memory of my feelings for you.” He grinned now. Brandon didn’t seem angry. He almost seemed amused now. I fidgeted.

“Laurel, is that why you’re upset? You’re having second thoughts about my feelings for you.
Again?” He walked around the counter and placed his hands on my shoulders gently running his fingers down my arms.

“Brandon, every fiber in my being wants to believe you desperately. Some days I do
and some days it just seems too good to be true.”

“And today is one of those days w
here it just seems too good to be true. That’s why you are so upset. You can’t believe that anything good and true can really happen to you? Only your negligent husband can love you? You don’t deserve true and real happiness and love. You can’t believe that someone else can find you desirable and beautiful and more than worthy of love and happiness. What’s really blowing your mind is that you are starting to feel something for me. You don’t understand how you could feel these feelings for someone so young. I know you Laurel, better than you think.” He continued to caress my arms and his fingers gently wound their way into my hair, brushing it aside to expose my neck. He delicately placed his lips right over my carotid artery. That simple touch made my blood pump even faster and quicker, so fast and so quick I started to swoon. I could hear my blood thundering in my veins. I could feel it pounding in my head and chest so deep, so strong. Everything he said was so true.
How could he be only twenty two? How is that possible? He knows me so well, even better than I do. How could I have ever doubted him?
I turned around to face him. I looked him deeply in the eye and saw that smoky smoldering. Suddenly, my stomach wasn’t in knots, my head started to clear, my heart knew what it needed to say.

“Brandon, everything I have is yours
- my mind, my body, my soul, my heart. I can’t even claim it for myself anymore. All of it belongs to you.”

With that he swept me up into his arms
, walked to his bedroom and we crashed onto his bed. Again, like two nights ago, this time was frenzied and neither one of us were gentle or delicate. It was a scorching, burning fire we both needed to have quenched. We made love as if this was the last time we would ever be in each other’s arms again.

I awoke wrapped in his arms and legs about an hour later, relieved to believe it wasn’t a dream. My soul felt renewed and restored but most importantly it felt truly loved, however, my body was not as glowing.  I quickly and quietly rushed to the bathroom and let go of all the tension my stomach was holding. I had hoped I was quiet so as not to wake Brandon. I sat there for a few minutes trying to figure out what the hell was going on and why I was feeling like a Mack truck had just hit me. I chalked it up to nerves and stress. I brushed my teeth and quietly climbed back into bed with Brandon. I only had an hour left so I wanted to make the most of it.

“Are you sick? Are you feeling okay?” He quickly put his hand to my forehead. “You don’t feel hot.”

“Brandon, I’m sorry I woke you. I get sick when I get really upset.”

“I’m sorry I upset you.”

“Oh, I really couldn’t be more grateful for how you’ve upset me. I wouldn’t have it any other way. I’ve never felt so loved before.” He tangled me up in the sheets hugging and kissing every exposed body part he could get his hand on. Once he had his fill, he jumped out of bed and exclaimed to be famished. Brandon headed off to the kitchen and I lay on his side of the bed, where I could smell his earthy, musky scent clinging to his sheets. His laptop was on his night stand. I decided to jiggle the mouse to eliminate the screen saver and what popped up was his monthly calendar. I was looking through the summer months and realizing how quickly the summer was flying by. I was glancing at the rest of July, looking back on June, thinking forward to August and when Brandon had to leave. I shuddered and went back to remembering June. June.
What a beautiful time we had that weekend. When was that? Hmm...end of June. Wait, what’s today? July 15
th
. Wow, July 15
th
already!
 
July 15
th
? Really? I was due for my period on the 8
th
. Today is the 15
th
. I’m about a week late. That’s unusual. I’m like clock work and ever since Paul had his vasectomy after I gave birth to Jake I’ve hardly had to keep track. Holy shit! NO! This can’t be happening, NO! The dizziness, the crying…shit, I just threw up. Well, I’ve never thrown up before with my other pregnancies but I’ve also never been forty and possibly pregnant before either. Okay, hold your horses there missy! Let’s not jump to conclusions. You’ve been feeling a little stress lately about your feelings for Brandon so that certainly could be part of the delay. It took a entire year of fertility drugs to get pregnant with Jake. How could I get pregnant so fast with Brandon? Well, duh, that’s what happens when you have sex without protection you idiot? How’s that spontaneity working for you now, Laurel? That’s what you get for acting like a sex crazed teenager you jack ass!

“Hey, beautiful, what do you want to eat? Brandon called from the kitchen. Just the sound of his voice forced me to choke back tears.

“I’m not really hungry. I really should be going. It’s getting late and I need to call the girls and tell them everything is okay.”

He glided back into the bedroom with two sandwiches and some iced tea.

“Well, after that lovemaking session, I think we both need some sustenance. Don’t go until you’ve had something to eat.”

Just looking at the food, smelling the food, compiling all the dates in my head and seeing his blazing blue eyes looking at me adoringly, I rushed to the bathroom again.

“Okay, Laurel, now I’m starting to worry a little bit. Should I be worrying? What’s going on? Are you sick? Has this been happening all day?”

I couldn’t find the words to answer him. I just slumped to the tile floor, hoping that the dizziness would soon pass.

“Laurel, open the door.” He said forcefully.

“Brandon, I’m fine. I told you. I get sick when I get upset.”

“Yeah, but you’re not upset now. Laurel, open up I want to help you.”

I recovered and opened the door.

“See, I’m fine.”

“Didn’t sound fine to me.”

“Really, I’m okay. I should be going. Eat the sandwiches and I call you after Paul leaves tomorrow. Don’t worry, I’m fine, in fact I couldn’t be better.”

“Maybe I should drive you home, you say you feel better but you still look green around the gills.”

“You are too good to me. Thank you but how would I explain that my car is in the city and some gorgeous twenty two year old man dropped me off.”