Choices (38 page)

“Laurel, My God! Are you alright? What happened? I came as soon as Paul called and said you had the baby and for chrissakes, you were shot, too?
” Kristy was at my side as the gurney was being wheeled into the hospital and Mitch was with her. She was holding my hand and stroking the baby’s head with her other hand as they pushed me into the ER.

“Hang in there sweetheart, everything’s going to be fine. You’re safe now and everything’s just going to be fine.” I could hear the tension in Mitch’s voice but I know he was being very brave for me and for Kristy. I’m sure Mitch was worried how Kristy would handle seeing my newborn. That was the last coherent thought I had. Suddenly, she dropped my hand and I heard Paul’s voice. I couldn’t discern exactly what he was saying, I was beginning to feel really lightheaded again and disconnected. It took everything I had just to hold onto the baby. I heard her scream and cry.  I craned my neck to see what was happening but I couldn’t because they continued to wheel me into an ER bay. I closed my eyes briefly and as they began to remove the baby from my arms and begin their assessment of my situation, I heard Kristy rush through the room.

“Ma’am, you cannot be in here now! This is a medical…”

“Shut up!” She
screamed at the ER doctor and turned toward me with blazing, hot eyes and a ferociousness I’ve never seem from her before. It made the hair all over my body stand at attention. I couldn’t form any words, the shock was overwhelming. All I could do was lay there and receive her wrath. In a way she was right but, I could never have foreseen what Jo was really hiding inside her black soul.  “You bitch, you selfish bitch! It’s your fault! All your fault! How could you be so thoughtless! You did this to me! You brought that crazy woman into our lives and made my life a living and waking hell for the last three months! I hate you! I hate you!” She was panting; her eyes were wild and unfocused. It was a Kristy I’ve never seen before and Mitch and the ER nurses were trying to no avail to remove her from the ER bay. Unfortunately, for me they didn’t do it in time. She managed to get to me quickly and with everything she was worth she slapped me across the face and after that I can’t remember anything more even if I wanted to.

I came to in my
own room with Paul sitting in the corner of the room.

“Hey, Laurel, how you feeling?”
He stood up and walked over to the bed.

“Like I’ve been shot in the shoulder and just gave birth!
Hey, what hospital am I in anyway?” I snorted and even that hurt.

“
Where you had the other babies. The police have been here a few times waiting for you to wake up and answer some questions. They’ll be back tomorrow, once they realized you weren’t waking up any time soon. I talked to them and told them everything I knew.” He sighed and scrubbed his face with his large hands.

“Where are the kids? Who has them?”

“Don’t worry, I called Joni and she came and took them right away. She said not to worry one iota about them, she has everything under control. She’ll be in to see you whenever you’re up for visitors. Bonnie has been calling too. She’s been wanting to come and see you also, but I told her to wait since you were still in recovery and were probably just going to sleep.”

“Everyone knows then, I assume.” I asked sheepishly.

“Yeah, everyone knows. They said not to worry and that Kristy will come around, she just needs time to wrap her brain around the whole convoluted mess. Kristy loves you, she’ll come around, you’ll see. The two of you have been friends longer than anyone I know. You’ll work it out.” He stood and walked over to the bed and gently took my hand and I scooted over so he could sit on the side of the bed.

“I’m not so sure, Paul. This isn’t like staining her favorite shirt at a party.” I tried to stop the tears from spilling from my eyes but no such luck. I looked up at Paul and saw the sympathetic look on his face and I couldn’t hold back the waterworks. I turned my head into the pillow to stop them. I took a deep breath and the room was quiet and still. I’m sure Paul was figuring out what to do next.

“What happened to Jo’s parents?  Were you able to get any information concerning their fates?” I sighed and smoothed my hand across my face to wipe away my tears.

“Since Jo’s parents are so old they may get reduced sentences
and then there’s the issue of self defense on their property but they were still arrested. It’s all getting sorted out.” He stood up and leaned his arm against the hospital window.

“That’s awful. It’s just horrific to think of that elderly couple sitting in a jail cell. What could they possibly be thinking? What could be going through their minds? If only I’d…What if I did…Oh, the self doubt, they must be going through not to mention the grief and horror at the realization that their only daughter is gone and by their hands.” I shivered and started to cry more. Paul turned around and came toward me. The door to my room opened suddenly and the nurse wheeled in the baby.

“Someone wants his Mommy and is very hungry! Are you ready, Mom?” The nurse asked as she gently laid the baby in my arms. “You just ring the buzzer when you’re done and I’ll bring him back to the nursery if you’d like or you can keep him in here with you, whichever, you prefer. Is this your first one darling?” She smiled and Paul chuckled.

“No, actually
he’s my fourth.”

“Well, Mom, I have to say you look fabulous!” She smiled again.

“Thanks, I guess, considering I was abducted and shot in the arm.” This time I chuckled and she looked at me blankly and blinked her eyes trying to decide if I was serious or not.

“Thanks for your help.  I’ll buzz you when we’re finished.” This simple statement seemed to give her the opportunity to exit quietly and shake her astonishment away.

“Do you have a name for him?” Paul asked as he looked away as I began to position him at my breast.

“Um, I wanted to call him Noah
Paul Phillips”. The tears started to course down my face unabashedly now. I let them collect on my baby’s soft newborn skull.

“Jesus, really Laurel
! Why my name and not Brandon’s?” He seemed more amused than upset or embarrassed.

I took a deep breath and grimaced slig
htly while the vise like grip on my breast courtesy of my newborn baby son was a little too much to bear. I sighed and responded, “I don’t want to call him Brandon and be constantly reminded of him. He has his last name.” I drew a deeper breath and looked at Paul, “I wanted your name because if it wasn’t for you we wouldn’t be here, either one of us, at all. We’d be dead and my children wouldn’t have a mother anymore.” I looked at him with tears glistening in the corners of my eyes. I was looking for reassurance, acceptance but more importantly approval. I was feeling guilty again and overwhelmed with gratitude for what Paul had done.

“I won’t do it if you’re uncomfortable.” I blinked back more tears and searched his face for confirmation.

He shrugged his shoulders and raised his eyes to the ceiling and then he looked at me.

“Hmm…it’s odd, I will say that, but in a freaky sort of way, I feel somewhat honored. Jesus Christ, never did I ever think I’d feel that way toward another man’s son especially one that was also my wife’s.” He smiled.

“I know it’s complicated isn’t it” I smiled too.

“
Laurel,” He moved closer to me on the bed. “I’m not hurting you am I?” He asked. He seemed tense suddenly and wary.

“No.”

“Laurel, I know it wasn’t easy being married to me…”

“Paul, please, don’t do this.” I reached out a hand to place on his shoulder but instead of placing it on his shoulder he grasped it firmly and
folded it tightly into his hand.

“No, I need to say this.” He rolled my knuckles tightly against one another as he squeezed my hand into his as if my touch would permeate through to his skin and ab
solve his soul of his own sins and maybe mine too.

“I’ve made so many mistakes with you, Laurel, so many. I see that now. I was such a ridiculous, selfish, insecure fool, drowning my s
orrows in alcohol when all I really needed to do was wake up and let you in. I never wanted to share that darkness with you, I never wanted you to know how dark it really was, how painful.” He had tears glistening in his own eyes now as well. I gulped trying to figure out what to say and exactly how far I wanted to take this conversation. I decided to plunge in. It seemed the time that I’ve waited years for had finally arrived.

“Why, Paul? Why did you not let me in? That’s all I ever wanted was for you to truly trust me, share with me and realize that I mattered too, that we were a team, facing life’s hardships together.” The baby fell asleep and I left my tears fall again down my cheeks but this time for different reasons.

“I was afraid. I was so afraid.” His tears were falling now as well and running down his reddened cheeks. He was shaking his head and wringing my hand even tighter now.

“Afraid? Afraid of what?” I sobbed and tried to scoot closer to him.

“Of exactly what happened.” He sighed and sobbed himself now and scrubbed his empty large hand over his face.

“What happened? What do you mean?” I searched his eyes but he wouldn’t meet mine.

“Of losing you. If I told you all my deep dark secrets and fears that haunt me through the night and leave me no peace during the day; that you would truly think that I was crazy and leave. Yet, you left anyway, even without me opening my mouth. You left because I ignored you and the kids and shut you out because of my fear and my own ignorance and selfishness.  You turned to someone else and I have no one to blame but myself. It’s all my fault. All of it! I’m so sorry Laurel, I’m so sorry for shutting you out.” He finally let go of my hand and I was speechless. Things kept running through my head that just weren’t making any sense.
Did I hear him correctly, did he just say what I think he said!
I was so angry, so filled with hatred that I was ready to leap off the bed and hurl every single moment of hatred and despair I ever experienced in our sixteen year marriage and cram it all down his bobbing Adam’s apple. When suddenly all my epic, powerful, painful emotions coalesced into a spinning hurricane that slowly spun its way into plain and simple and utter heartbreak and sympathy for me, for him, for the kids, for all of us.

“No, Paul, it wasn’t just your fault. I was in the marriage too. I could have been more loyal, not too mention faithful, I could have tried harder, I could have…”

He stopped me then and gently put a finger to my lips. The intimacy of that simple act was incredibly disconcerting and left me yearning for a time I knew we could never recapture.

“Shh, you did everything you could, Laurel. I will not let you take the blame for this one. I lost you simply because I was a selfish, self absorbed coward.
I was…” He cleared his throat, directed his eyes right to mine and said, “I
am
alcoholic. I know that now.” I shivered. “Here you’re cold, let me get you another blanket.” He looked in the closet of the hospital room and found another blanket and lovingly draped it across my body. “Believe me, Laurel, I know how much I’ve lost, especially, now seeing you hold another man’s baby and realizing that if I wasn’t such an ass, it could have been mine.” I was dumbstruck. I’ve waited years for Paul to make these realizations and confessions. Years. I’ve prayed, pulled my hair out, poured my heart out in therapy, cried to my girlfriends, begged him to listen to me for him to get help and here we are sitting in a hospital, me recovering from giving birth to another man’s child and being shot in the arm and him recovering from his demons.

“Can you tell me what fears and insecurities,
Paul? Can you help me to understand?” I snuggled the baby closer to me and laid a gentle hand on his cheek.

He
sighed and gently cupped Noah’s downy little head, “You’ll think them silly but it’s what I’ve always struggled with, not feeling good enough, not feeling equal to everyone else, not feeling worthy, feeling as though life was for everyone else but me. The only way I could get those voices of self abuse to stop was to drown them in a bottle of alcohol.” For the umpteenth time I was thunderstruck.

“Paul, I’m so sorry you felt this way, I’m so sorry I didn’t see it, I’m so sorry I wasn’t supportive enough.” The tears were streaming now and running into my mouth tasting salty and reminding me of how bitter the truth can be at times.

“You were supportive enough, Laurel, more than supportive. The work I’m doing now can only be done by me and no one else. Self reflection is the key to sanity. I actually have you to thank for my recovery.” He smiled and shrugged his shoulders.

“ME! What the hell are you talking about?”
My eyebrows shot up to my hairline.

“If it wasn’t for you meeting Brandon and causing me to leave and forcing me to take a serious look at my demons in the daylight, I would still be traveling down the same self destructive road and maybe instead of hurting myself I would have injured one of the children or you even. I’m sorry Laurel and thank you, thank you so much
for once in your life thinking of yourself and even while you were thinking of yourself you were still saving me. Go figure that one out!” He laughed and I had to admit I chuckled too.

“So, what do we do now?” I asked tentatively.

“We move forward, one day at a time and rebuild. But there is one thing I want to do for you Laurel, to say thank you for what you have done for me, for what you’ve forced me to realize.” He moved toward the door and placed his hand on the handle and began to gently pull the door toward him. He wouldn’t face me.